Would you ever act as caregiver for a relative who falsely turned you in for Elder Abuse to them?

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I care for an elderly parent who has dementia. I have a very close relative who is 67 and will be in need of care in the near future. I know she is thinking I will be the one to care for her however I do not want to. This person has caused me pain my entire life for no reason.

A year ago I was turned in to APS for Elder Abuse to her. The entire story was made up and false. There was a witness there who saw what happened and knew I did not do what I was accused of. When I was interviewed I gave them my statement and I gave the phone number of the relative who saw what happened and told them to call her and have her tell them the story.

This was the only way I escaped prosecution, God was with me by having her there that day.

I was told by APS that I could not touch her not lay a finger on her. This being the case I hope she is never in need of help, but I do not feel I can put myself in the position to care for her.

She has alienated everyone in her life.

I am not willing to go to jail for anyone but need input on how to handle this.

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I might, possibly, depending on all the circumstances. But you can't. You've got it in writing from APS. How ironic that she herself gave you your "get out of jail free" card!
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I did. My mom. I've posted this ridiculous story before, but I'll post it again here, now.

My mom, the grand narcissist, and I were in a heated argument and she was in a rage. What else is new. I think she was after more money(what else is new)and I told her I didn't have anymore freaking money to give. She's always been a physical and verbal abuser, so I wasn't really that surprised when she grabbed a heavy glass ashtray and hurled it at my face. I jerked my head to the side and the corner of it caught me right at the very corner of my left eye. If I hadn't turned, it would have hit me in the eye dead on, and there's no doubt it would have done some major damage. I immediately felt my own sense of rage, snatched that bad boy up off the floor, aimed at the cabinet above her head, and hurled it right back. It shattered into a thousand pieces. Damn, how satisfying! That felt great. Anyway, she immediately started screeching about calling DSS on me and reporting me for 'abuse'. Really, now. I pointed at my eye and said 'That's ASSAULT mom, you go right ahead.' It kills me that she thought nothing of what SHE did. In her narcissistic mind, assaulting me was just fine, perfectly justified and ok. SHE didn't do anything wrong, of course not. Never. But when I retaliated, THEN there was a 'wrong' done. Gotta love a narcissists twisted way of thinking, hmmm? Anyway, she called DSS and spewed away to them, playing the perfect victim. The lady came out. She asked me about the situation, asked if I had thrown an ashtray at my mom. I said I sure did. Then I pointed at my now black eye and told her the real deal. The lady went away and that was that. lol Did it shock or surprise me that my mom would try and get me in trouble? No. She's called the cops on me numerous times, DSS, whoever she could get to listen. Nothing ever came of it once I told the truth of the matter. I've never physically assaulted my mom, or abused her in any way at all. But if she hits first so to speak, I give it back in spades. Always did. My mom and I have been at war since my earliest memories. My mom was never 'mommy' to me as a kid. No, my mom was the bogie man come to life from as far back as I can remember. I still took care of her when she needed someone. I'm an only child. When she'd get too out of control, I'd just remind her that she was getting old and weak now, and I was still young and strong, and that nobody would question her demise were she to fall off the porch steps. Then I'd stare at her, stone cold. That was usually enough to shut her up, or stop her from attacking me physically. Would I seriously have killed my mom? She wouldn't have lived to the ripe old age of 88 if I was capable of that. And I'm not capable of abuse, I'm not my mother, thank God. But if scaring the shit out of her is what it took to stop her abusing me, so be it. It worked for me anyway. If you're dealing with abusers, you have to play by a whole new set of rules.
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I tell you all to NOT care for any family member who has dementia/alz. It is a death sentence. False accusations are rampid. The mandatory arrests, protective orders, ignorant greedy attorneys will bankrupt you financially and emotionally. If you think you will get a fair trial you are wrong. Even judges will threaten you with personally putting you away in prison for 22 years, and call you names, "Mother Beater", "Elder Beater", "Dispicable". Dementia people don't lie. Dementia people aren't violent and the real doozie, "police reports" don't lie. Your life is over. Don't go near your dementia/alz parent or family member. Your life is at stake.
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I would disown anyone who would falsely accuse me of anything. I have never caused harm to anyone and has always offered a helping hand in those in need. False allegations on me makes the person history in my life!
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Absolutely not, no way, nada, your sister is not your responsibility. She made her life, and now must deal with the consequences. Tell her to invest in insurance to cover her caregiving. Set boundaries. Start [lanning your life away from your abusive sibling when the time comes to leave.When do you get to live your life? What kind of life will that be? Dream big, and leave nasty negative people out of the equation.
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If the consequence of being hostile and biting the hand that feeds you is to end up in a care faciity instead of in family care, that's not like the world's worst punishment..she would still be cared for. If it had been just one time event when very ill or distraught, a thoughtless way to get attention when they could not think of anything better, or a bad reaction to medication or hallucinatin, rather than a pattern of demanding and hostile behavior it might be different. You realisticaly can't do it yourself and if "all" you do is your best to see that she gets the care she needs, you have done enough and done right.
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Raven, a little Christian theology might help. I was seeing a bad situation and asked my parish priest, who was also a very highly trained theologian. He told me that the Christian duty of forgiveness is crucial spiritually and also psychologically. It allows us to release and let go of bitterness that could poison our lives. HOWEVER, forgiveness DOES NOT MEAN just ignoring the situation - we are expected to deal reasonable consequences for bad behavior. For example, you report child molesters, - think about that horror at Penn State - the coach that was guilty had been doing that for a long time and at least some of his family knew but forgave him - well, forgive and then call the cops was the advice I received. Your sister sounds like a sociopath... way way beyond your ability to treat much less heal. Best thing you can do is to limit the evil she does - indeed as a Christian you have an obligation to do that, which in your case, it would seem to me, would mean that you should not get involved with her in any way. Frankly, with these narcissists, it will not do you any good to try to have a normal relationship with them. Some might call it a mental problem, but I suspect it is usually a moral problem - habitual sins against justice, peace and charity. They would have to want to change and keep working at it honestly, but really how often does that actually happen? (I mean really change, not just play at it for manipulation). The advice to live your own life as a child of God is right on target and your real primary duty as a Christian. No one is to be abused nor is anyone ever lawful prey.
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You have to do what is best for you. If she has a mental problem and does not know what she doing, then you have to take that into account. It sounds like you have been a caregiver to a few people which tells me you have a good heart and when it comes right down to it you will do what you think is best for you and her. I am taking care of my mother now with dementia and she was not always a very nice person, but I do know she loves me. I want let her die alone in some nursing home after my dad died alone in a hospital. If she does have mental problem maybe they can put her medication. You know her better than anyone else since you have been around her all your life, so just do what you think is best for you and her. You have to think of your physical and mental health and what you can take if you take care of her. Decide if you can handle it. In the long run you have to think of your well being first. So when it comes time for her to be taken care of, just do what your heart tells you and pray then you know you can't go wrong and will be doing the right thing. .
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sounds like my mother, after calling her in terror when my father (84)yrs, going blind, still works as an armed guard tried to asault me again. She told me next day after telling my father to go ahead and hurt me, that she does not want to speak to me I made her sick.
Mind you I live with my father as a result of losing my house when she was supposed to move in. I live on constant fear, and she knows I have pending surgeries, and can not move now.
She accused me of trying to hurt her years ago, mocking me saying a cop would never believe I hit you, since she is 5ft tall. She is the devil incarnate.
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All I can say as once I removed the toxic family from our life mother n I have never been more at peace....It was painful to let go as a female and a compassionate person I felt the need to care for these peeps as they obviously could not do for themselves but they brought more pain and hurt than anything with them so only after hospital social worker witnessed the chaos and advised me it was time to make a choice, your mother or them, did I finally let go....wish I had done it many years prior but it was the best choice no doubt!!!!
I wish you luck and support and lots of love to you in your dilemma.....
Peace,
Juju
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