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I care for an elderly parent who has dementia. I have a very close relative who is 67 and will be in need of care in the near future. I know she is thinking I will be the one to care for her however I do not want to. This person has caused me pain my entire life for no reason.

A year ago I was turned in to APS for Elder Abuse to her. The entire story was made up and false. There was a witness there who saw what happened and knew I did not do what I was accused of. When I was interviewed I gave them my statement and I gave the phone number of the relative who saw what happened and told them to call her and have her tell them the story.

This was the only way I escaped prosecution, God was with me by having her there that day.

I was told by APS that I could not touch her not lay a finger on her. This being the case I hope she is never in need of help, but I do not feel I can put myself in the position to care for her.

She has alienated everyone in her life.

I am not willing to go to jail for anyone but need input on how to handle this.

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I might, possibly, depending on all the circumstances. But you can't. You've got it in writing from APS. How ironic that she herself gave you your "get out of jail free" card!
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I did. My mom. I've posted this ridiculous story before, but I'll post it again here, now.

My mom, the grand narcissist, and I were in a heated argument and she was in a rage. What else is new. I think she was after more money(what else is new)and I told her I didn't have anymore freaking money to give. She's always been a physical and verbal abuser, so I wasn't really that surprised when she grabbed a heavy glass ashtray and hurled it at my face. I jerked my head to the side and the corner of it caught me right at the very corner of my left eye. If I hadn't turned, it would have hit me in the eye dead on, and there's no doubt it would have done some major damage. I immediately felt my own sense of rage, snatched that bad boy up off the floor, aimed at the cabinet above her head, and hurled it right back. It shattered into a thousand pieces. Damn, how satisfying! That felt great. Anyway, she immediately started screeching about calling DSS on me and reporting me for 'abuse'. Really, now. I pointed at my eye and said 'That's ASSAULT mom, you go right ahead.' It kills me that she thought nothing of what SHE did. In her narcissistic mind, assaulting me was just fine, perfectly justified and ok. SHE didn't do anything wrong, of course not. Never. But when I retaliated, THEN there was a 'wrong' done. Gotta love a narcissists twisted way of thinking, hmmm? Anyway, she called DSS and spewed away to them, playing the perfect victim. The lady came out. She asked me about the situation, asked if I had thrown an ashtray at my mom. I said I sure did. Then I pointed at my now black eye and told her the real deal. The lady went away and that was that. lol Did it shock or surprise me that my mom would try and get me in trouble? No. She's called the cops on me numerous times, DSS, whoever she could get to listen. Nothing ever came of it once I told the truth of the matter. I've never physically assaulted my mom, or abused her in any way at all. But if she hits first so to speak, I give it back in spades. Always did. My mom and I have been at war since my earliest memories. My mom was never 'mommy' to me as a kid. No, my mom was the bogie man come to life from as far back as I can remember. I still took care of her when she needed someone. I'm an only child. When she'd get too out of control, I'd just remind her that she was getting old and weak now, and I was still young and strong, and that nobody would question her demise were she to fall off the porch steps. Then I'd stare at her, stone cold. That was usually enough to shut her up, or stop her from attacking me physically. Would I seriously have killed my mom? She wouldn't have lived to the ripe old age of 88 if I was capable of that. And I'm not capable of abuse, I'm not my mother, thank God. But if scaring the shit out of her is what it took to stop her abusing me, so be it. It worked for me anyway. If you're dealing with abusers, you have to play by a whole new set of rules.
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I tell you all to NOT care for any family member who has dementia/alz. It is a death sentence. False accusations are rampid. The mandatory arrests, protective orders, ignorant greedy attorneys will bankrupt you financially and emotionally. If you think you will get a fair trial you are wrong. Even judges will threaten you with personally putting you away in prison for 22 years, and call you names, "Mother Beater", "Elder Beater", "Dispicable". Dementia people don't lie. Dementia people aren't violent and the real doozie, "police reports" don't lie. Your life is over. Don't go near your dementia/alz parent or family member. Your life is at stake.
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I would disown anyone who would falsely accuse me of anything. I have never caused harm to anyone and has always offered a helping hand in those in need. False allegations on me makes the person history in my life!
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Absolutely not, no way, nada, your sister is not your responsibility. She made her life, and now must deal with the consequences. Tell her to invest in insurance to cover her caregiving. Set boundaries. Start [lanning your life away from your abusive sibling when the time comes to leave.When do you get to live your life? What kind of life will that be? Dream big, and leave nasty negative people out of the equation.
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If the consequence of being hostile and biting the hand that feeds you is to end up in a care faciity instead of in family care, that's not like the world's worst punishment..she would still be cared for. If it had been just one time event when very ill or distraught, a thoughtless way to get attention when they could not think of anything better, or a bad reaction to medication or hallucinatin, rather than a pattern of demanding and hostile behavior it might be different. You realisticaly can't do it yourself and if "all" you do is your best to see that she gets the care she needs, you have done enough and done right.
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Raven, a little Christian theology might help. I was seeing a bad situation and asked my parish priest, who was also a very highly trained theologian. He told me that the Christian duty of forgiveness is crucial spiritually and also psychologically. It allows us to release and let go of bitterness that could poison our lives. HOWEVER, forgiveness DOES NOT MEAN just ignoring the situation - we are expected to deal reasonable consequences for bad behavior. For example, you report child molesters, - think about that horror at Penn State - the coach that was guilty had been doing that for a long time and at least some of his family knew but forgave him - well, forgive and then call the cops was the advice I received. Your sister sounds like a sociopath... way way beyond your ability to treat much less heal. Best thing you can do is to limit the evil she does - indeed as a Christian you have an obligation to do that, which in your case, it would seem to me, would mean that you should not get involved with her in any way. Frankly, with these narcissists, it will not do you any good to try to have a normal relationship with them. Some might call it a mental problem, but I suspect it is usually a moral problem - habitual sins against justice, peace and charity. They would have to want to change and keep working at it honestly, but really how often does that actually happen? (I mean really change, not just play at it for manipulation). The advice to live your own life as a child of God is right on target and your real primary duty as a Christian. No one is to be abused nor is anyone ever lawful prey.
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You have to do what is best for you. If she has a mental problem and does not know what she doing, then you have to take that into account. It sounds like you have been a caregiver to a few people which tells me you have a good heart and when it comes right down to it you will do what you think is best for you and her. I am taking care of my mother now with dementia and she was not always a very nice person, but I do know she loves me. I want let her die alone in some nursing home after my dad died alone in a hospital. If she does have mental problem maybe they can put her medication. You know her better than anyone else since you have been around her all your life, so just do what you think is best for you and her. You have to think of your physical and mental health and what you can take if you take care of her. Decide if you can handle it. In the long run you have to think of your well being first. So when it comes time for her to be taken care of, just do what your heart tells you and pray then you know you can't go wrong and will be doing the right thing. .
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sounds like my mother, after calling her in terror when my father (84)yrs, going blind, still works as an armed guard tried to asault me again. She told me next day after telling my father to go ahead and hurt me, that she does not want to speak to me I made her sick.
Mind you I live with my father as a result of losing my house when she was supposed to move in. I live on constant fear, and she knows I have pending surgeries, and can not move now.
She accused me of trying to hurt her years ago, mocking me saying a cop would never believe I hit you, since she is 5ft tall. She is the devil incarnate.
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All I can say as once I removed the toxic family from our life mother n I have never been more at peace....It was painful to let go as a female and a compassionate person I felt the need to care for these peeps as they obviously could not do for themselves but they brought more pain and hurt than anything with them so only after hospital social worker witnessed the chaos and advised me it was time to make a choice, your mother or them, did I finally let go....wish I had done it many years prior but it was the best choice no doubt!!!!
I wish you luck and support and lots of love to you in your dilemma.....
Peace,
Juju
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I'm on the "hell, NO!" bandwagon and would also suggest, that when the estate is settled .. sell the house and split the proceeds, everyone going their own direction. Detach from that sibling, get some counselling and move ON with your life. Sounds to me like you've been DOing for everyone else for long enough.

Remember that you deserve to live your own life.
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Raven1, your sister sounds mentally ill, can't be trusted and needs to look elsewhere for her next doormat. Don't do it. Why would you ever feel guilty for not wanting to set yourself up for more false reporting and abuse? She sounds dangerous.
I'm still LMAO, bobbie321, at your response!! Good for you. My mother claimed to be such a good Christian. How does a Christian wind up disowning her own flesh and blood (me and my kids) after caring for her many years? I did learn something from my mom though and that was not to take crap, dont put up with the negative and stand up to people like her and raven1's sister. I have vowed to never again give care to someone who thinks they can threaten me with elder abuse, go to a lawyer to accuse me of stealing and make my life hell. Won't happen, and I also don't care if its the disease either.
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Way to go, Captain Bobbie! WhooHoo! xo
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My biological mom is a raving 'christian' and threatened me with elder abuse when I was taking care of my mom (her sister). Of course she had no idea what we were dealing with, hadn't seen her sister in decades, would say terrible things about her sister, my mom whom I loved very much, on the phone to me and still expected me to be executrix for her estate (she never had more children) and probably had designs on me for a caregiver if needed.

I told her to remove me from her will and if she didn't I threatened to give everything away to the Gay Atheists (don't know if there is such a thing but sounded good at the time).

There is no way I would subject myself to caregiving of my mom's intensity again much less care for a woman who is a hypocritical religious zealot and abusive to boot.
These days I will not tolerate any kind of negativity in my life. If it can be eliminated I will eliminate it. I've had it and any kind of threats are a no go and I don't care if it's the disease talking or not. Screw it.

Raven! Listen to the caregivers here! Choose Life! Yours!

lovbob
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Hey Raven, Bless your heart, dear one. There is such a thing as being a "doormat." If you were raised in a "Christian home" how come it did not rub off on your sister? What is her excuse?
Suggestion: assertiveness training, tough love-- learn to say "no, I have plans."
Get your own life, as I suggested in first post to your question. You can still be a Christian. God does not want you to be taken advantage of. He created you to reflect "Him", not a doormat.
Good luck to your jealous sister. Typical golden child.
You are special. Don't forget it;) xo
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Thank you for your input and questions. This person is a sibling and I actually live in my mothers house with her. Since 2003 I have cared for 4 relatives, basically because I was the one at home while others were working. I care for Mom but my sibling has health problems and I don't think she will be able to work for much longer. She has alienated her children and is divorced. I made the mistake of basically being born and she has never forgiven me. She has lied to everyone about me my entire life including her children which were told to stay away from me because I hated them which is totally untrue. Two years ago my other sibling finally saw what I had been telling her for years, she saw how my sister was lying about me and would not accept the truth about a situation. I was floored that it had taken 51 years for her to see the truth. The first sibling gets along okay with the last one but she tries to find anything to fault me on and I do mean anything. She will ask me to help her with something and I do, then I get slapped in the face and told I didn't do something right. I constantly live "waiting for the other shoe to drop." By that I mean if she is nice to me, I know she wants something and I will fall into that trap of forgiveness, because I want to get along with her and have a good relationship, but I hold my breath because I know at any minute everything is going to blow up and it always does.

When our mother passes we will inherit her home and some money which we all need but there is talk of the three of us living together in this home as it is paid for. I just don't see how that can happen and it actually work. She is ill and I believe she has a mental issue because what she does is not normal. Her only ambition in life seems to be to destroy me and my reputation. To the last straw of filing a false report with APS telling them I had beaten her and she even showed them bruises on her arms and scratches that I had supposedly caused. She did this to herself and turned me in. As i said, thank God for witnesses.

I know that because I have cared for these other people she is fully expecting me to care for her and I don't want to. I am tired of this and don't feel like I can care for another person, especially someone who has tried to ruin my life. I am going through pangs of guilt with this as I was brought up in a Christian home where you basically keep forgiving those who wrong you. I just find it harder to forgive or trust her because she is not worthy of my help or trust.

With no one here to help her, I am going to have to tell her NO and tell her that she will have to seek help in a nursing home or whatever she can come up with. I am afraid I will not be this strong or I will be riddled with guilt. I do need to find something else to do and get it going before she needs me so it never becomes an issue. This entire scenario is shaking me up. I need an out, minus the guilt.
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You say she is a relative, what relative? I think I'd ask myself, if she HADN'T made the accusation what I want to care for her? Could there be a financial agreement where she paid you? If your relationship is a little distant, and she wouldn't be paying you, then why would you do it?

On the other hand, if you want to do it, there are ways you could. You'd want to talk with Adult Protective Services and get them on board, current status so to speak. And they would know that you I have installed nanny cams, that you're going to record interaction just in case your "relative" would think to lie again.

Where there's a will there's a way...l sense the reason you posted is that the caregivers heart that beats inside of you isn't comfortable with the thought of leaving your relatives to the mercy of the bureaucracy unless there's no other answer.
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No way. With a prior accusation, if she made another, it would be worse, and you may not be lucky enough to have a witness the second time.
APS will be thinking you were up to no good if you go back to caring for someone after they falsely accused you.....specially if they are not a parent.

Stay away from this person.
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Don't do it. Caregiving involves a high level of TRUST. It appears there is none from your relative. You will be miserable....make other arrangements. It is hard enough dealing with the day to day chores as a caregiver, it will be even more draining on you emotionally. Can you seek other arrangements for her?
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Wyndie, you were very fortunate to escape being arrested for elder abuse from this. You had a witness. If you ever get bullied or guilty into taking care her of her - it's a one-on-one situation. This time you most likely would not have a witness the next time she accuses you. And she WILL accuse you. My father might have dementia but was never diagnosed. For the past couple of months, he's accusing me of trying to kill him whenever I go against his wishes. It's part of the dementia.

Anyway, why on earth would you even say yes to caring for her? She has already proven that she has no problem accusing you falsely. There's nothing to stop her from doing it again. Caregiving is already so stressful. You and her would double or triple your stress.

But most important of all - APS already told you not to go near or touch her. I would listen to them. Can you imagine if she fell and got bruised? You already got a record with APS, I'd avoid this relative as much as possible.

If none of the relatives step up, you can call APS on her. Let Them handle her.
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Are you a professional cargiver? Do you do anything else for fun or profit?
Maybe plan your future by training for something else so that by the time your crazy relative needs a caregiver, you'll be busy with another vocation. I'll bet if you accidently turned the hose on her while watering the garden, she might just shrivel up and leave her pointy hat on the ground. In the meantime, you get a restraining order against HER.
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Not only would I not care for such a ruthless person like that relative, I would file a civil lawsuit against that person for false allegations.
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In one word, "NO". Is this person your mother? If not, NO, NO, NO and NO again. Wait that is more than one word but you get the point!
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You need help with boundary setting. Why in the world would a 67 year old relative assume that YOU would care for them? Have you had that conversation? Does she have children? Where is the rest of her IMMEDIATE family?

You could write her a letter and tell her that though you love her (if true), due to a number of factors, including her allegation of elder abuse, you will not be the one to care for her as she ages.
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