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i really don't know what I need or why I am exactly writing this but I am feeling so lost I need to do something. The last five years has been really rough with my mom. She has continually struggled with health and has had a steady decline over the last year or so. Five years ago my mom had a surgery that about took her from us...i will never forget the ICU code call and the sternal rub that she didn't respond to. since then my mom has become a shell of herself, she has moderate dementia, can only take care of her own ADL's with assist most often then not, falls continually (multiple falls a day sometimes, and at least two or more a week). we've been to the ER three or four times this year for various infections, and found out she has TIA's in march, and she had another surgery in July to clear her sinus cavity of the impaction that we found out after the fact was actually a staph infection. since the diagnosis of her TIA's we have come to realize that she probably has them a lot more often then we think, and has had them for a long time. She ended up in a rehab for 20 days in September, but since coming home has only went down hill more. Since coming home in October the doctors have said that there is nothing else they can do for the TIA's, they can't figure out where the clots come from or what causes them. They don't know why her health is failing in general, why she is falling, or anything else other then to say that her body is starting to fail her in general.

We've had the discussions as a family to plan for next steps, and to talk about what to do if mom were to have a serious stroke. I struggle with all of these discussions, and though overall i agree with the decisions I really struggle with losing my mom. I have lost parts of her so long ago i feel foolish missing what we had, but I miss her. I don't know what I need but I need to feel better, or learn to cope with all this without going crazy. I work in a high stress job and have two high schoolers and stay incredibly busy keeping up with them. Most of the time I feel like I am just one slip from losing my mind and everything in life. Is this normal? does it get better? any ideas how to cope and live with this all!?

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Well, I will share with you that this is a process. Yes, it does get better. I will state however that you have far too much on your agenda if you are working full time at a high stress job, (does your mother live with you)? and you have high schoolers. That is just too much for one person to handle. The reason you feel overwhelmed is because you are overwhelmed. Do you have anyone else in your family that can assist you. The kids are pretty much in your house until they move on, but your mother is your mother, and I totally understand. My mom has Alzheimer's and I had to place her in Assisted Living, and it makes me feel awful, but I know without a doubt it was the best decision. Saying that however, I realize that that is very expensive and most people cannot afford that unless, they are selling your mother's house etc. I would recommend to reach out to the senior centers in your area. I know there are some very kind volunteers that will come and assist you, but if you can afford it, you need to find some help. No you are not slipping away or on step away from losing your mind, you have to re prioritize all of the things that you have. What if you took a far less stressful job. Would that work? I am thinking of you, and know that many of us, feel the same sense of wishing it was the way it was years ago, but we have to accept what is. Take care and good luck.
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You need to follow kaydeb's advice...I will take it one step further, my husband has Alzheimer's, it is mild to moderate, he still does a lot for himself, but we started our journey 6 years ago, the changes are hard to watch, the more I had to do, the harder it got for me, I went to counseling, that helped some...I do not have a full time job, my kids are grown and out of the house, I worked part time until 3 years ago, my husband did not want to be alone, so I quit work and stayed home, I went crazy, tried everything I thought of to help me cope, meditation, prayer even working from home, I bake and cook for people....finally I realized I needed to talk with my family doctor about medication for ME! I take an anti anxiety med, it helps me to cope with the day to day issues...I thought that made me weaker, needing a drug, but when everything seem to be imploding, well, it has kept my head above my stormy seas...you can't give 100% to your family! your mother and your job...prioritize, get help from others, get help FOR YOURSELF, if you don't stay healthy physically and mentally, YOU can't help anyone...
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First of all, NOTHING in life is "normal". When we medical professionals don't know how to tell the family of a loved one your fill-in-the blank has no chance of surviving, we say there is nothing we can do. This immediately sends a "fight or flight syndrome" within people, and they search for all kinds of remedies wanting to keep their loved one alive. NO ONE gets out of this world alive. We all must die. We all must learn coping mechanisms if you are to continue living. With a high stress job, high maintenance children (when are they not?), the best advice this medical person can give is to reduce your stressors. Accept the fact your mother is going to die, just as you are. Know that what could be done is already being done, and keep her as comfortable as you can for the time she has left. Focus on those high schoolers who are probably doing more undercover stuff than you know and could wander without your constant watchful eyes. They are your future just as you are your future. The fact you care about your mother's well-being shows me she did a fantastic job of raising you! Now, your energies need to shift into your children, husband, job, and start detaching yourself from the nasty part of dying. It is depressing to know someone you love is getting ready to die. Keep the good times ever present and stop focusing on what is to come. Her body will cease to exist, but the memory of what she has taught you will remain in your heart and mind forever. My blessings to you and your family and may God be with you all!
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As we ask ourselves if it gets better... I recall that our parents will not grow up and become more able bodied as our children do/did. They are aging. It is a natural process that we will all face.

I received one piece of advice here that helped me immeasurably as my Mom was aging. It was suggested that I tell her I love her and hug her every day, or when ever possible.

It did indeed become more and more difficult and then one day my Mom passed away. For all the years I have to live that are ahead of me, I know that I treated her with kindness and compassion, to the extent that I could and I am thankful that I told her that I loved her and hugged her whenever I could. Now, it's over.

Did it ever get better? It's all a matter of perspective. I'm thankful for the time I had with her, although it was the MOST challenging time of my life. I wish for you the same... that you can navigate this time with grace and compassion for YOURSELF as well as for others.

Take very good care of yourself, while you are caring for others. Do everything you can for you, because you (and everyone around you) needs YOU to survive this.
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I say the serenity Prayer everyday it just reminds me that I cannot control or fix everything and to accept that and be content with what I Can Do.It doesnt make every day easier but I dont feel guilty about anything that is not in my control!!! I take celexa and it helps my anxiety sounds like you have the meds that help you!! My Prayers are with you!!
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Oh my...I wish it did get better, but, in my experience, it has not. Like you, I miss the parent I HAD. My dad has been with me for 4 years, after a broken hip. It has not been horrible until the last 6 months, after another fall. I now jump every time the phone rings, as I am waiting on a placement for assisted living for him, as lack of sleep, physical exhaustion, and no daily happiness are wearing me out. I feel like I am on the edge of tears every day. I quit my job that I loved last year and retired early, thinking it would help, but it has been worse without an outlet. I have three grandchildren out of state who I cannot visit because there has to be 24 hour a day care for my dad.
On another note, my mom died at 81, having never been sick a day in her life. My dad, now at 91, has spent the last 10 years struggling with many health issues. Given my new perspective, if I could choose, I would have preferred to remember my dad as I do my mom and I would prefer to go as she did...making cookies.
Have you involved Hospice? They have been helpful to have others involved in my dad's care, but I think he's not going to make "the cut" soon for their care.
Hang in there, cjaharmon...I'm so glad for you that you have sibling support!
Also, there are places around to get a wheelchair for free. Ask around. Peace.
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Oh yes it does get better. The more educated you get the better the situation gets. Look to the Alzheimers association for help. The thing that was most helpful for me in regards to my husbands Dx of AD is that once the Dx is made, the patient is forgiven 100% of the time. That is a mind set and it keeps things running smoothly. OK honey, that sounds fine, Oh really, Etc. etc. etc. It may seem fake but logic & critical thinking are not up to snuff or not there at all so just go with the flow, relax, be thankful for the memories still there and don't forget to laugh!
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cjaharmon: The not knowing what will happen next is the worst. I have anxiety all the time taking care of my father. Most emergency things happen in the middle of the night. I have trouble sleeping because I have become such a light sleeper, listening for anything that may happen. I took care of my mom for 8 years and now dad with his parkinsons for 6. Talk about burn out. I am on anxiety pills, which help, but I still have panic attacks when things happen. Try to be strong and I am sending all of you a little extra strength as well. Prayers and calming peace to all of you! Hang in there, it is not easy. I often find myself wishing for my own life and feeling guilty about it, but know I am not alone and either are you. This is a great place to find answers, options and above all very nice people that share what they are going through. Hang in there!!!!
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Sometimes I think it is all part of the different life steps when it comes to elderly parents. When they do pass on, part of us feel lost but on the other side of the coin part of us feel like the world is finally off our shoulders.

No matter how much or how little we try to contribute to helping our parents, it is quite stressful as we are put into a situation where we had no training, especially those of us who never raised children.

I know I am constantly thinking why don't my parents hire people to help them out, or use the home delivery of groceries. Good heavens, that is what I am doing for myself because I don't have the time or energy to fix or shop for myself :(
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Yes!!! Home delivery is the way to go. I ordered our Thanksgiving dinner from FreshDirect -- my brother said it would be a shame not to cook. When I said then he could cook, he relented. The food was great and everybody was more relaxed. Highly recommended the more delivery the better.
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