Caregiver expenses. Am I being unreasonable?

The only behavior you can control is your own.

Tell your siblings that you can no longer participate in dad's care unless you are reimbursed for travel and lodging expenses.

Who has POA?

Have you asked your father? If his health issue is cancer, his mind is fine, and money is not an issue, it’s something he can decide. No need for your brothers to judge.

You're not being unreasonable at all. Many POA documents specify exactly this sort of thing, and claiming back travel and subsistence costs would not be unusual. What's your siblings' objection? - whatever it is, I'd bet they'd squeal a lot louder if you pointed out that travelling to share the care is also a choice and one you can't afford at the current rate. The burden is not equal and it isn't fair.

? So your father is covering your expenses, then?

If he's more than covering your siblings' expenses then that's gravy for them, but it doesn't leave you out of pocket. I'm not sure what their justification for accepting the $300/week gift is but I certainly wouldn't lose any sleep over it. Are you also losing income doing your 1-in-3 care rota?

So, simply look after him at your place - father would surely be happy to stay with you at HIS expense??? What's good for the goose...

It sounds like father's little dig at you moving away from him TBH.

I’ve been thinking about this, as it’s relevant in my own family. I think that when we move away, we do it in the knowledge that some things will be more difficult and/or expensive in the future. Even presents get whittled down to ‘small and light’ for postage. Daughter in London for 6 years paid for airfares to come back and see the family while she was away. I’m facing $1000 so that daughter and grandson can come and visit us in Alice Springs in April. They want to see where we live before they head off to Ireland, and money is understandably tight. That's part of my cost for moving away.

However family also know that the trips may not be as frequent as when they are just around the corner. There’s a compromise in there. How would your brothers feel about upping their visits while you drop down a bit? And how would F react if he thought they were only doing it for the money?

I think this is called living with your choices. While it might be nice to be the only one reimbursed for travel, any suggestion of it should come from your siblings or father, not you.

If you feel you deserve something for driving 600 miles, then the sibling who drives for 90 minutes should also receive something.

Another alternative might be for you to spend two weeks when you are there which would cut your expenses in half. The other two siblings could still do the one week rotation when you aren't there.

Family Caregivers reimbursed equally!! You come from a longer distance which makes it harder! It is your right to live where & as you choose. And don’t ever put up with being the only one doing anything!

A thought- see dad less & hire a caregiver for one of your alternate weeks?

Tell siblings you will have to cut back on visits due to the increasing expenses.

My sister lives 45 minutes away from mom & I have offered her gas reimbursement especially with the cost increasing. Families are selfish. They could at least pay half.

Well, if all three are reimbursed for travel regardless of distance, that would be fair. But I think you know that it would be near impossible to come to that agreement. At any rate, I would tell them you will have to cut back on your care visits and if finances are not a problem for your Dad then his estate can either pay for in home care or the other two can pick up the extra time. This is typical sibling squabbling. Like politics, if your mind is made up, facts only get in the way and we'll find justification for absolutely any situation. Its hard to come to a reasonable agreement...it's why we have so many lawyers because we can't see reason on our own. It's not the travel expenses that bother them, there are or family issues and the travel is just their focus for argumental purposes. Good luck because I see this already setting up for estate settlement issues after your Dad passes.

You moved away. Why should your siblings have to pay financially because you made that choice? If the situation was reversed (imagine one of them lived overseas) you might not be able to pay for their travel back.

These times are precious and worth every cent. Don’t miss your opportunity to be there because of money.

Yes you are being unreasonable .

you ARE getting reimbursed for your expenses plus an extra $100 apparently . So likely you would be fine with this except that your siblings who live closer are getting the same amount despite lesser expenses. If you were getting 300, one 300 and other 100 would that make you feel better? Yes ? It never helps when we compare does it ? Just choose to be happy for what you have .
I moved four hours away and never got for anything and this included ( others are all less than 30 min) . My only regret is that when my parents passed I was not there . With my father it was not anticipated , though he was hospitalized and I had been there the day before . For my mother , she was on hospice and I still feel cheated out of being there to say goodbye.
I understand your feelings but just look at yourself and not what others are getting . Be glad also that all of you are doing equal parts of care.

Seems like you need to talk with your siblings about a new arrangement. Consider how you can help your father that is reasonable for your finances and time. Try to get your siblings to sit down and brainstorm options with you. If they will not budge, then involve a counsellor in this process. The goal is to make sure dad is cared for and that each caregiver doesn't go broke or burnt out in the process.

To be blunt, You did choose to live 600 miles away.. You're being reimbursed plus extra that your siblings don't get. In other words, you're being rewarded for living so far away. Will that make you feel better? Go stay 2 weeks instead of one or let your dad hire someone to take your place. Better yet, let dad go to assisted living. Let him pay the bill and quit your petty whining. Isn't it worth something to be able to see your dad while he's alive and enjoy his company? If not, It's time to sit down with your siblings and come up with a better plan if at all possible that will work for everyone. No plan will make everyone happy. It's called being an adult and compromising. Feel lucky your dad can afford to pay you. I lived 5 minutes away from my mom. I took care of her everyday for 16 hrs. I had kids in school. She couldn't afford to pay. I felt privledged to be able to spend time with her while my siblings whined and squabbled between themselves just to care for her on weekends and they wanted to be paid for living 1 hr away!

So you feel you're being treated unfairly.

Here's a question...has everything dealing with dad's care needs been divided up fairly BEFORE he was on hospice? Had he needed help previous to that? Running errands, doctor's appointments, cooking, cleaning, laundry and so forth? Did he undergo chemo and radiation and needed help then? And if so, did you and siblings equally split that between you? Or did "5 minute away" sib become the defacto caregiver, because you were too far? If that's the case, then I can well understand your siblings' position. You don't get to use distance from a parent as a convenient excuse, and then when it's no longer convenient, complain that you're being "punished " for living far away.

Dad is giving you money above your travel costs, and yet you're still complaining it's not "fair". Quite frankly, you sound like a petulant 5 year old who whines sibling got about bigger bowl of ice cream for dessert than they did.

You say that this is going on now for a year. Your father, I am assuming, is able to communicate during this time? If this is the case, and if this expenditure is a hardship, then I think I would ask your father if he would please pay your expenses so that you can continue to come. Your siblings argument of "your choice to move" is of course quite ridiculous, and not worth arguing about. Speak to your father.
Now if this is NOT a hardship for you, then I would not speak to anyone and would continue to pay these expenses on a monthly basis. When I helped my brother with selling, moving, becoming his bill payer by being his POA and Trustee I had fees for airlines, other expenses. I was well able to incur these costs, so it was one thing that didn't even need to be considered. This is not the case for everyone.
I think it is wonderful that the sibling and you are able to do this. It gives your Dad time with you all. You don't give us idea of prognosis and time this may go on, and that's often difficult to predict.
So again, I think that this all depends on your ability to absorb the cost. If you cannot, speak to your Dad. If he can't communicate, and you can't afford this, let the siblings know that you are so sorry, but you cannot do this anymore, or as often. Or that you can come and stay for several weeks, but cannot come monthly. There's a way to work this out if you all behave as the adults you are.

Amazing. Most who share in this forum would love to have another person sharing the load. The question I have would be who would pay? My guess is that the others wouldn't mind getting a reimbursement for their gas money also. I only lived 15 minutes from my mother's house and took her on lots of rides to scenic areas, took her to lunch, and ran errands with her. She offered to pay for my gas on the urging of an older sister who lived a couple of hours away and could not come often. In this case, I turned down the money for a variety of reasons. I do not know if she gave gas money to my other sisters or not and do not care.

If your father is willing to pay for your gas and tolls, it should be between the two of you. There are so many issues that will come up both between now and your father's death and after his death that you really don't want to start sniping at each other over this. Your sisters should feel overjoyed that you are willing to make the trip at all. However, you cannot dictate to them how they should feel just as they should not dictate to you what you should do or feel. Your real consideration now is more about whether you want to have a relationship with your sisters after your father dies and what kind of relationship you might want.

Your father is paying you $100 more than your expenses. Your siblings live close by. I am sure your father calls on them more. He's right. You made the choice to live elsewhere. I you aren't satisfied drop out of the arrangement. Your siblings getting to save the money is their right. I would not stir up things. It's not worth the money.

Based on some of the replies here you can see there are a lot of mentally ill posters so just ignore comments with phrases like you choose to live far away and the like.

You dont say if you are working or not but I can't imagine driving 600 miles every two weeks for over a year to care for dad who has been on hospice. It is unfair that all siblings are compensated equally when the distance for all three is so drastically different. Unfortunately if your father and other 2 siblings don't see this as unfair at this point they never will.

Oobviously hospice does not mean dying anytime soon as many posters have had a loved one on hospice for a really long time. You don't say what your father's illness is or the level of care required of you for the week you stay with him. Maybe the bigger issue is you are getting burnt out doing this as you never expected it to be ongoing for a year. How long can you continue this back and forth commuting is the bigger question.

Wow. I don't know what the answer is for you, but the responses you've received are uncalled for, in my opinion. If this were me, I would talk to my dad. I feel a dad who is able to make this contribution to all of you could understand what the difference is in the travel costs and see clear to settle up differently moving forward.

If it’s costing you over $200 each trip you should be reimbursed. Speak with your dad and cut the siblings out of the conversation.

if your dad can afford it he will pay just to have his daughter with him.

it’s a bit unfair for your sisters to expect you to travel over 600 miles every 3 weeks

You should be reimbursed.
Your dads assets should reimburse EACH person that is helping to care for him.
Mileage, check the IRS for current rates per mile for reimbursement.
You should each be paid for the care that you are giving. Check your local area for going rates that a caregiver would cost and his assets should be paying you for that as well.
If you happen to have to stay in a hotel during your travel from your home to your dads that should also be reimbursed as well.
And meals as well would be reimbursed.
This is not just for you but for your siblings as well.

OK...that is what I get for not reading all the other comments and posts.
You are being reimbursed. And your siblings are as well,.
I think that the $300 that is being given to each of you is fair. You can ask for a raise. Tell dad that gas used to be $2.29 a gallon it is now $4.20 and the other costs of the car have risen. But if dad does give you a "raise" in fairness he should give your siblings the same raise.
If you wish to reduce your cost rather than go as often as you do to help out take a "shift" from each of your siblings so you do an extra 2 weeks at once. That eliminates several trips for you and cuts costs.

I don’t think it’s fair that you have to drive 600 miles every three weeks. You have every right to live where you choose. I think its amazing you have kept this up for a year. It seems to me your Dads payments are intended as reimbursements for his care and not really gifts so they should be based on expense and your expenses are clearly higher. it seems to me you are asking for a very minimal level of reimbursement and I think that is very fair.

teamcare: Imho, even though you are getting paid by your father, there is still the issue of your sisters, who are local to your dad, receiving the same sum. Perhaps this is a convo to have with dad.

I would contact an eldercare attorney and get a Power of Attorney and some kind of a contract whereby you take care of him and get expenses paid by him. I do not think anyone would hold this against anyone if he ever needed Medicaid. Just document everything. The father needs help and would have t pay someone else. The others refuse to help and I think you are acting as if someone had a job and should be reimbursed. Just stand firm or hire an outsider and they will find out what happens. YOU must stand up to these selfish idiots.

What on earth do finances have to do with your choice of where to live. You are free to live anywhere and if it is far, you should be reimbursed. It is not YOUR fault that your father is ill. If he has the means and wants to pay you, that is HIS RIGHT AND HIS MONEY, Get reimbursed and tell them to mind their own business. Would they do this without pay? I doubt it.

Where you live and why is YOUR business - not your family - as a re the reasons. I see you have but two options. Either you just simply stop going or you all share in the costs equally. This is your father. And if he has the money, he should pay the $200 but do NOT continue this unless you are reimbursed. You are in taken advantage of. If they don't like it, tell them to hire a caretaker to cover your time - then they don't have to pay YOU $200 which I feel should be paid back to you.

Why not get actual hospice care. Call your local hospital and advise. If your father has enough funds for it, you can get around the clock depending how sick he is. Then all three of you could come see him as often as you can without doing all the work. If the funds aren't available, then all siblings should be paid equally but for actually costs like gas and tolls, you should get what you are actually spending. The fact that you live 600 miles away is irrelevant. Each of you had a life before your Dad was in hospice and I assume each of you chose where to live at the time.

I don't feel it's unreasonable. Your car expenses are not only gas and tolls, but oil, tires, wear and tear, breaks and other regular maintenance along with the depreciation by driving so many miles. There is also the value of your time with these extra hours you put in by driving. You are not making a 'profit' like your sibs. You are losing money. Family dynamics are tricky. I wish you the best in working out something feasible.

You are being selfish. Your parents took care of you and now it is your turn to care for them. It was YOUR choice to move so far away. That being said, if the other siblings are getting paid to stay with him, then by all means, you should as well but if they are doing it out of the goodness of their hearts and obligation, you should as well. Your options are to either stop going, or stop whining about the cost and go anyway.