How can I deal with my mother's aggressive behavior?

When your mom gets aggressive, tell her that she is being rude, let her know that you love her, but you will not subject yourself to her outbursts. Leave the room.

I learned this through great tears - and it was hard at first - but got much better. Fortunately, mom has made peace with God and is no longer cranky. Thank God!

Your sister handled the sitiuation correct. Always redirect her thinking. Use your imagination and understand what she is thinking at that moment and be in that moment with her.
Never get mad at her. I am sure in the past she has had much patience with you. It is your turn now. Relax enjoy your mom while you have her.

Through out the day I am always redirecting my mothers attention to something else to get her mind away from wanting to "go home", but when my sister stopped by, she thought she was coming to take her home. Yes, my sister did just what should have been done, and I thank God that she stepped in to handle the situation because I was totally shocked with the sudden aggressiveness toward me. Usually when she get's upset, my holding her hand or hugging her and talking to her had worked, but not this time. No, I could never get mad at my mother. I do know & understand that this is a disease and not my mother. And, eventhough I'm very tired and burnt out, and feel like throwing my hands up and giving up, I can't... she needs me as I did her when I was a child... Thanks to all for taking the time to reply to my questions :) It is very helpful!

I WORKED AS A ACTIVITIES ASSISTANT FOR FOUR YEARS. HANDS ON WITH THIS DISEASE, AND HOW IT EFFECTS THE FAMILY. MY HEART TRULY GOES OUT TO YOU. IT WAS A EASY JOB FOR ME BECAUSE I NEVER KNEW MY RESIDENTS BEFORE THEY HAD THE DISEASE. SO I JUST LIVED IN THE MOMENT WITH THEM. I HAD TO LEAVE THE COMPANY BECAUSE I WAS BIT VERY BAD BY ONE OF MY RESIDENTS. THIS WOMEN WAS NEVER AGGRESIVE TOWARDS ME, AND ALWAYS SHOWERED ME WITH LOTS OF LOVE. YOU HAVE TO BE VERY CAREFUL. THEY DON'T REALIZE WHAT THEY ARE DOING. THEY BECOME VERY STRONG WITH THEIR WORDS AND ACTIONS, THEY DON'T KNOW THEIR OWN STRENGTH AND ARE UNAWARE THEY ARE HURTING YOU. MANY FAMILY MEMBERS STOP COMING, BECAUSE IT IS TO HARD TO BE AROUND A PARENT THAT DOESN'T RECOGNIZE THEM, AND EVEN HARDER TO WATCH THEM DETERIORATE. THIS DISEASE DOES NOT GET BETTER. IT'S A LONG HAUL AND VERY DRAINING FOR THE FAMILY. THAT IS WHY IT IS SO IMPORTANT TO DO EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE DOING. SO MANY SUPPORT GROUPS ARE OUT THERE. SO MANY PEOPLE ARE GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING YOU ARE. IT IS SO IMPORTANT TO TAKE THE TIME AND GO TO SUPPORT GROUPS. I BELIEVE ITS THE ONLY WAY TO KEEP UP YOUR STRENGTH. THAT AND ALOT OF PRAYER. GOD BLESS.

I want to clear up something terrytunes said. You are not a bad person if you get angry and/or frustrated. You are human. And in keeping with terrytunes point, since your mom cared for you growing up now you must care for her. Terrytunes seems to suggest that your mom, while raising you, never got frustrated and would have NEVER gotten angry with you when you were a child. What a load of crap, lol!

It's ok to feel frustrated, it's ok to be upset when your mom comes at you in an aggressive way. If we want to keep using the same "logic", when your mom raised you you were not demented. You were not unreasonable. You were not the size of an adult with the strength of an adult while you had outbursts.

Remember, you are human dealing with someone with a diseased brain that is unable to be rational. On top of this, you love your mom which makes things all the more confusing. Do NOT beat yourself up if you feel upset or like you're at the end of your rope. It is normal to feel that way and frankly, I'd think there was something wrong with you if you didn't feel like you were at your wit's end. We're not saints.

Thank you, Eyerishlass! I so needed to hear this! I have had plenty of days that I felt guilty and I have beat myself up over the fact that I do get frustrated. You are axactly right, we are human! Thank you so much ~

exactly*

I feel for you (been there), and with family help to care for your mom, it would definently give you a little time for yourself. I'm not sure if your sis, or other family members has the time to alternate sitting w/your mom(1-3hrs), giving you a little time for yourself, but it might help you. Currently I'm on a 2-3 days a week visit to my mom's house. The sad part about it, is that she only lives 3 blocks away, but since she's been acting out, and physically trying to attack me and only me, not my much taller brother (that lives w/her); I decided to stop visiting as much as I use too. Every since she's been actually diagnosed, more of my family that lives in different states, makes it a point to visit more, and that's a big help. My mom, doesn't act up/out while others are visiting..and to a point it's as if she fights her mind, to show others that nothings wrong with her (if that makes sense, but that's how it seems to me). I'm sorry for straying off the subject, but maybe you can have a family/close friends meeting, set up a schedule or something to get more help caring for your mom.

Hah! Eyerishlass, you are so right! I can't count how many times I got mad at my Mom. In the beginning, because she would criticize and fight my best efforts over just about everything. Then came the insults because I would 'hover' over how/when she took her meds (she progressively went off schedule because whe was losing track of time as her dementia progressed). It sometimes got to the point where I was "dam**d" if I DO and "dam**d" if DON'T. Shopped too much, shopped too little, needed this, didn't need that. Wanted to make her own lists and a week later still hadn't done it or lost the list. Of course I did what I had to do whether she liked it or not - on my schedule, not hers. Trying to reason with her was often a losing battle, and I went home emotionally battered, angry and frustrated - but not until I made sure all her needs were taken care of for that day. Now, she is in the NH 13 months, and still feisty as ever (another story-another day). This forum probably gave me the best resources for coping that I could not have gotten anywhere else. I learned how to "emotionally detach" my feelings from her. It took quite awhile to achieve that ability, and truthfully I have never quite mastered it 100%. Those once a month outings with her really escalate my stress level and the next day I am totally wiped out physically and mentally. It takes me a good 24 hrs to recuperate! Even visiting the NH once a week, I have to limit the visit to 2 hours or so, because she starts to get testy and argumentive. But I still love her in my heart! So I would say to Krazy8's or anyone, keep on working on that emotional detachment thing and keep reminding yourself she can't help the way she behaves. And take that day of rest if you need it - it's a lifesaver.

Limit visits to once a week.

I AM REALLY SORRY IF YOU FEEL I HAVE GIVING YOU WRONG ADVICE. MY MOM HAS COPD. I AM SO AFRAID OF LOOSING HER. I LOVE HER SO MUCH. YES THERE ARE TIMES THAT I GET FRUSTRATED, BUT I HAVE ALWAYS LEARNED TO HOLD MY TONGUE AND TURN THE OTHER CHEEK. IIT PASSES VERY FAST. EYELISSLASS HAS REALLY GOOD POINTS. THEY ALL COULD HAVE BEEN MADE WITHOUT ATTACKING MINE. THE POINT I FEEL IS TO TAKE WHAT YOU CAN FROM EVERYONES INPUT. THEN DECIDE FOR YOURSELF WHATS BEST FOR YOU. THERE REALLY ISN'T ANY RIGHT OR WRONG WAY, ALTHOUGH IT IS THE SAME DISEASE EVERYONES SITUATION IS DIFFERENT.

terrytunes... don't be sorry. It's fine, really. We are all human. There is no perfect person on this whole forum, if so they wouldn't be here in the first place... No harm done, on my part. I'll take all the advice I can get, rather it be good, bad or ugly... as long as it's real... Wishing you & your mother the best. :)

Thank you for that response. I'll keep you in my prayers