What do I do? I am getting burnt out on this.

Karol, even if I were annoyed with you, that wouldn't be a good reason for not writing again. I'm just one person among hundreds. I have no official position here. I am just voicing my opinion, as others do. You are free to disregard it. You are free to tell me why I'm wrong. But going away because of one person doesn't make sense.

You walk into your father's private space and find him doing something that embarrasses you to see. Isn't the logical thing to stop walking into his private space? Seems to me to continue doing it is illogical. Sorry, I tell it like I see it.

I know that you are not an illogical person, because I have seen your answers to other people. But your relationship to your father seems to be getting in the way of simple logic. It really seems to me to be time for Dad to live elsewhere. This is taking too big a toll on you. You deserve lower stress! Let paid staff deal with how often he does or does not bathe. Visit him as often as it suits you. If he is disrespectful, leave.

Karol53, you have written about this before. This is the third time you have walked directly into your father's bedroom without giving him warning and found him doing something embarrassing to you. Seems like you should stop walking into his bedroom without warning. How about going into the front door and leaving the spoons on a table? Or taking the spoons home until the next time your father expects to see you? One of my neighbors is deaf, and the doorbell not only rings (for the hearing members of the family) but also causes a light to flash in the house. There are ways to work around your father's hard of hearing condition. Don't use your father's lack of hearing as an excuse to invade his privacy, especially when doing so bothers you so much.

If walking is good for Dad, get him a rollator with a seat so he can pick up the paper and stop to sit down a couple of times and rest. Don't be a martyr to his infirmities if there is a way to help him be more self-sufficient.

This burnout did not happen overnight. You've been struggling with these issues for some time. So when Dad decided to give money away 6 months ago and you knew that would greatly complicate getting him into a care center, did you try to stop him? Did you urge your siblings not to accept?

No one will have to pay the money back -- that is not how it works. Instead a penalty will be assessed and there will be a period when he has been accepted for Medicaid but not eligible for payment. Perhaps your family could agree to pay for his care during the penalty period.

It is clear you are burned out. You don't seem to be looking for ways to ease the stress. It is time, I think, to get him into a care center that can deal with his needs and his infirmities. You have done your duty. Now do what will be best for both of you, and find a good care center for him.

Karol53, please do NOT stop coming on AC. You are entitled to vent and share and if it makes you feel better then it has served it's purpose so keep doing it.
I've been coming on AC for almost 5 years. I posted my first and only question the other day. NOBODY responded...until I made a comment about no responses!!! I wasn't mad, I was hurt and dismayed. I try to comment when I know what I'm talking about or have something to share,I hit the "like" button all the time and I send hugs but evidently my post wasnt interesting enough. I thought about quitting but then decided, naw, I have a right to be on here and it's helpful for me. One of my "goals" is let let those who had a less than stellar mother know they have company. There are many stories on here about all the warm fuzzy feelings daughters have for their mothers but there are those of us who did not have fuzzy feelings, not anything close. It's ok for us to have our own feelings and others think we are being mean, we'll, they should try being raised by a mom like ours.
All of us have a right to post and word that post as we like. If you find it offensive, tell them, BUT don't stop posting. Just learn to expect a reply you don't particularly care for and move on. There are posts I find not to my liking, I sure don't like everyone on AC but its all part of the game.

This is a bit delicate, I know. If he is behaving in public, I wouldn't worry about what he does in private. Just don't walk into his bedroom unannounced and you will not be alarmed by anything he might be doing. As weird as it may seem, some older people still have sexual needs. if he is not doing it in public, there is nothing wrong with it. We are just shocked when it is our parents. It adds to the shock factor.

I would be most concerned about his hygiene. I know people don't really need to bathe as much as we tend to, but still I think men need at least 1-2 wet baths a week to keep the skin healthy in the private areas.

Karol53 .....

Please do not allow one person in this forum to discourage you from venting!!! That is what this forum is for. You are allowed to post as much as you would like and I encourage you to do so. Maybe Jeanne G. should refrain from responding!

Hang in there :)

Karol53,

I have received the same questioning from her and I find it extremely inappropriate! Not sure what we can do about it other than pushing the "Ignore Button." I'm at the end of my rope with my cargiving woes ... So, I understand your post and frustration about your father. My father is a PITA (Pain in the A**) ... Literally!!! Everyday it's a struggle to maintain my sanity while interacting with him. So, I pack up my computer go to Starbucks and log into this site and read for an hour. It reminds me I am not alone ... However, I'm disappointed that there are individuals on this site that want to make your venting as bad as your caregiving experience!

I refuse to allow it and so should you!

Re masturbation: I am afraid I agree with Jeanne. It is HIS private business if he does or not. He is doing it in his bedroom, with the door closed ... and even if it wasn't, although it is your house, it is also HIS HOME, and so he has the right to expect privacy when he is in his own home. Unless he is masturbating inappropriately ... eg: in the lounge, in front of other people, then leave him alone and respect his privacy.

I for one would celebrate the fact that he can still have sexual feelings at 94, instead of condemning him for it. If the door is shut, then leave him be.

Please don't feel like you are annoying anyone!! I keep walking in on my mom half naked because she is deaf to my knocks.If she had a hearing aid she would probably throw it away,along with all my washcloths and her underwear....Big booster hugs to you!!!

Karol53, I know the fear of a parent's anger for placing them in Assisted Living. I went through it personally with my own mother, and I obviously lived to tell the tale. It was awful, no denying that, but it needed to be done for my sanity, my husband and son and for my mother's own safety.

I had her placed 21 months ago and we now have a close-to-normal, mother/daughter relationship. The angst and screaming are over. It was the hardest thing I ever did in my life but now there is peace. I look at it as a trial by fire and you will come out of it on the other side.

It's time for placement for your dad. You need to take care of yourself or you're not going to be any good for him or anyone else. Set up a family meeting without dad. Get a plan in place, no matter how difficult and daunting it seems, and proceed. I'm in a state of mind now where I'm amazed I had the strength to make it all happen, but I did. If I can make the tough call, I know that you can too.

Karole - if the old guy wants to jerk-off, he is going to do so. It is his space. There are quite a few old roosters at my mom's & late MIL's NH.

I think the bigger issue is that all of this seems to be to be part of a bigger pattern of a dysfunctional relationship between him & you.You keep on repeating the pattern and he keeps on repeating the pattern, each of which upsets the other. That is what I think is the reality of the situation and that is what I think Jeanne is getting at. You are in the vortex of all this & can't see out. At his age and what his physical condition is, well none of this is going to get any better. And certainly not cuter for either of you.

He needs to go into a facility.I'd venture a guess that your brother has said that to him ages ago and therefore is a big part of why dad & him don't get along. There will likely be a transfer penalty over the $$ her gave you and your sisters. You have to figure out how to private pay for the period of time that the state figures it out to be. Obviously one sister knew that it would be an issue as she set the $$ aside for this for him. So say it ends up being 10K, 20K or whatever he gave you all, isn't that worth the piece of mind that dad is where he needs to be and you can move on to take care of yourself first and foremost.?