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My Dad lives in a small house next to me that belongs to me and my husband. He can no longer drive and depends on me to take him everywhere. Yesterday he ask me for some more spoons. Today I went to take them to him and beings he cannot hear I always just walk in. He is nearly deaf and has the tv blaring so I never bother to knock as he cannot hear it. He was laying on his bed masturbating. I dont know if he saw me so I walked out. He is 94. This is the 3rd time this has happened. Anyone know how I should deal with this. I am getting tired of his games. He complains about walking to the road to get his paper so I go get it for him. He wont bathe. Maybe if i am lucky he will 2 times a month. I am getting burnt out on this.

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Karol, You said, "Oh yes I ask him not to give the money to them and also ask them not to spend it. Sorry I will not write my issues again. I feel you are annoyed with me."
Wow, you have a deep case of burn-out! You need to do something else. (We are not annoyed with you! Believe me, we have all been there numerous times.) Get him care someplace else. You are clearly at the end of your rope. I'm just about getting there myself, so I know the symptoms.
Sometimes a different perspective helps. Did you know that the plains Indians used to have a cultural norm about elders who couldn't keep up any more and the elders all understood. When the elder become unable for whatever reason, to be unable to keep up with and be a contributing part of the tribe, they understood that it was time for them to go alone into the woods (or desert) and die. That sounds really harsh to American ears, but I understand it.
I have also come to the conclusion that modern medicine is not so hot. They want to prolong the life of everyone no matter what. Forcing someone to continue to simply exist, especially if they have Alzheimer's/dementia or a terminal illness and to prolong the process through drugs, etc, is beginning to appear to me like an act of cruelty. The Indians had it right.
No, I'm not in a very good mood today myself.
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Hi Igloo! Thanks for sharing. My Dad had no insurance on my Mother when she got sick. So therefore her treatment was not an option due to money. She was 61 when she passed away. So she never got on medicare. I did everything I could in my power including quitting my job to help her and giving her money for bills. She was very appreciative. I don't know why she stayed with the old goat. She died in 1992. I then went to nursing school after she died and went back to work for the state so I would be able to retire with a decent pension and be able to keep my insurance. To this day he thinks he provided well for his family. He tells me stories about his mother about how stubborn she was and had a temper. He hated his grandfather because he shot his dog. I remember so well when he shot some of our animals to get rid of them. I have not gone to his house which is 10 steps from my back door since this happened. He came over yesterday and I couldn't even look at him. He has no where else to go. His house burnt down 6 yrs ago.He had no insurance on his house. I just cannot understand why he cant be grateful. Since he will not bathe and manipulates me I dont want to do anything for him. I am most definately getting my ducks in a row. Thanks again for sharing. I dont know how we keep our sanity. I am determined to get my life back.
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karol, you have my absolute emapthy, cos i know just how hard this situation is. i also live with a very mean, manipulative old man, who is smelley, lies through his back teeth and seems hell bent on destroying my marriage, without realising that in the process he will be destroying his son's life as well. right now, we have no way out because he has no medical aid, and nobody will take him because of his age, so i feel as trapped as you do. here, unless he has pots of money, which he doesn't, or a medical aid, an old age facility won't take him either.

in order to cope, i have made some serious decisions: i no longer engage unless there is someone else around to witness. i no longer go into his room. i refuse to stay at home to look after him if i have other events or activites to do, even though he throws a massive sulk and temper tantrum. when he shouts, i tell him to stop treating me this way, and walk away and simply refuse to listen.
i let him try to control everything and ended up losing myself somewhere along the line. now, he no longer has control or power because i no longer give it him. i no longer feel guilty about not jumping every time he tells/demands/expects. my house, my life, my rules, no longer trying to bend over backwards to please a very mean and nasty old man who refused to plan for his old age. take your power back. yes he'll shout. let him. walk away and let him shout at thin air.

i hope you get him in assisted living soon, and that you get your life back.
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Karole - if the old guy wants to jerk-off, he is going to do so. It is his space. There are quite a few old roosters at my mom's & late MIL's NH.

I think the bigger issue is that all of this seems to be to be part of a bigger pattern of a dysfunctional relationship between him & you.You keep on repeating the pattern and he keeps on repeating the pattern, each of which upsets the other. That is what I think is the reality of the situation and that is what I think Jeanne is getting at. You are in the vortex of all this & can't see out. At his age and what his physical condition is, well none of this is going to get any better. And certainly not cuter for either of you.

He needs to go into a facility.I'd venture a guess that your brother has said that to him ages ago and therefore is a big part of why dad & him don't get along. There will likely be a transfer penalty over the $$ her gave you and your sisters. You have to figure out how to private pay for the period of time that the state figures it out to be. Obviously one sister knew that it would be an issue as she set the $$ aside for this for him. So say it ends up being 10K, 20K or whatever he gave you all, isn't that worth the piece of mind that dad is where he needs to be and you can move on to take care of yourself first and foremost.?
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Karol53, Sounds like you have a good start on things. The hard part is the actual "doing" and I understand how hard it is, gut-wrenching actually. In a way, you are fighting for your life. Once you understand that you will get the courage to put one foot in front of the other and get it done. You deserve a life of your own, you really do. Sending you wishes for strength and the power to overcome your fears. Don't wait for another ordeal. Your grandkids need you too! ((Hugs))
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Thanks Windytown. I called my oldest sister and talked with her two days ago. She was the only one left that I needed to get input from and when I told her about his inappropiate behavior she was stunned. She told me I did not need to ask if I should place him somewhere else. She said to do what I needed to do. I haven't talked to my brother recently but when he came by for Christmas he let me know there are places for people like him. He and my brother have never seen eye to eye. During the election if I did not agree with him on politics he would get mad and start debating and I would just walk away and thats the first thing my brother said was if you don't agree with him on everything he gets mad and he does. Its almost like he wants me to feel the same as him and do as he tells me to do. So I have come to the conclusion that the next ordeal will be the breaking point. I have not gone to any of my grandkids activities. He doesn't like it because he cant control it. I do appreciate your moral support and yes it is very close to coming to that as I have talked to everyone in the family to make them aware that it is soon and the way he is acting. Thanks for everyones support.
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Karol53, I know the fear of a parent's anger for placing them in Assisted Living. I went through it personally with my own mother, and I obviously lived to tell the tale. It was awful, no denying that, but it needed to be done for my sanity, my husband and son and for my mother's own safety.

I had her placed 21 months ago and we now have a close-to-normal, mother/daughter relationship. The angst and screaming are over. It was the hardest thing I ever did in my life but now there is peace. I look at it as a trial by fire and you will come out of it on the other side.

It's time for placement for your dad. You need to take care of yourself or you're not going to be any good for him or anyone else. Set up a family meeting without dad. Get a plan in place, no matter how difficult and daunting it seems, and proceed. I'm in a state of mind now where I'm amazed I had the strength to make it all happen, but I did. If I can make the tough call, I know that you can too.
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Susan it would not be as big a problem if the conditions here were a little different. There are windows on his doors. His bed is in front of his door. I made curtains for the doors with velcro but he will not use them. He goes around telling everyone that comes to my house he cannot walk out to the road to get his newspaper, that he does ok getting out there but cannot make it back. He has yelled at me for cooking things he does not like for dinner. Another words he has tried to control what I cook, I have made sure I get up early to get his paper so people will not think I am cruel to him and wont go get the paper for him, I take him shopping every week, he will not let me use my own buggy, I have told him ahead of time I will be getting my own buggy, he waits untill we get in walmart to tell me I cannot get my own buggy so that other people will hear and I just go along with him. He tries to control everything to his satisfation. He has now decided to cook his own meals which really relieves me from alot. But he tells everyone he doesn't like what I cook, and now he eats mostly junk. If you would listen to him I would be the most horriblest caretaker. He showers about once every two weeks and really stinks. His finger nails are long, Ive bought him clippers thinking he would use them but he won't . I cut his toenails and hair for him. He tells my aunt he will come see her every week and tells my brother in law he will come see them every week so that when I do not take him its my fault. My brother in law is paralized from the waist down. My sister hires a sitter for him. I have grandkids that come over here and scared they will see thru his windows. My grandkids are ages 7-9 yrs old they don't know the aren't supose to not look in his window. I tell them not to bother him. He dogs out one of my sisters husband and my brother every day, I get tired of hearing it. He will not go to my sisters houses to stay or give me a break from him. My youngest sister is out of the question, she wont' even come see him. He has never knocked on my door,. but it doesn't bother me, I would never have sex with my husband unless I lock my door first. I wouldn't put anybody in a situation that would embarrass someone. He would never get a hearing aid. I never go to his house after dark. I had one of my sisters to agree to take him to go see his sister once a month but she now refuses to take him again because he wants her to take him to see the other sisters husband. It is a long story but she doesn't get along with that sister and he knows it so she know says he is not going to stop asking me to take him there so she is not going to take him anymore. I have now gotten to take him to get groceries and I go back another day to get mine. The grocery store is 25 miles away. He is very opionated and doesn't mind putting me out at all to only get his way. One of my sisters came over to see him and she knocked and he didn't hear her so she went in as it is 20 miles for her to come see him and he was masturbating that day. I only came on here to get others insight on how to handle some situations and I can tell I was very much annoyed by one other and if thats the case then I would stay away from that person if I couldn't give any support. Yet I feel I am being chastised for doing the hardest job out there. I use to work part time but quite that as it was too much with him here. I ended up getting shingles again on my head and that is nothing nice after already having post herpetic neuralgia from having shingles before on my head. When Dad tells me he needs this or that I have made it possible to get it within a day as thats how he wants it is now. It is going to be to where I end up very soon moving him to assisted living and he is not going to be happy at all but it is coming very close to that! He was coming over the first few months he came here for me to order things off the tv with my credit card and him paying me but finally got that stopped and boy did he get mad. I had my credit card stollen twice but he doesn't believe it was from an ad on tv. He says if its on tv it will be safe. He doesn't understand what can happen in between. I am so tired of being at his beg an call. He gets so mad at me if I do not do it his way or when and where he wants what he wants.
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Please don't feel like you are annoying anyone!! I keep walking in on my mom half naked because she is deaf to my knocks.If she had a hearing aid she would probably throw it away,along with all my washcloths and her underwear....Big booster hugs to you!!!
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PS: MY father in law lives with us, and is 90 years old. When he shuts his bedroom door, we all give him privacy. We never go in there without knocking, even if the door is open. He is also as deaf as a post, so we make a huge commotion every time we go in so that he knows someone is there. I expect people to respect my privacy if I am in my bedroom with the door shut, it is my sign that I want to left alone for a while ... and so we all extend that same courtesy to him as well.
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Re masturbation: I am afraid I agree with Jeanne. It is HIS private business if he does or not. He is doing it in his bedroom, with the door closed ... and even if it wasn't, although it is your house, it is also HIS HOME, and so he has the right to expect privacy when he is in his own home. Unless he is masturbating inappropriately ... eg: in the lounge, in front of other people, then leave him alone and respect his privacy.

I for one would celebrate the fact that he can still have sexual feelings at 94, instead of condemning him for it. If the door is shut, then leave him be.
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Karol53,

I have received the same questioning from her and I find it extremely inappropriate! Not sure what we can do about it other than pushing the "Ignore Button." I'm at the end of my rope with my cargiving woes ... So, I understand your post and frustration about your father. My father is a PITA (Pain in the A**) ... Literally!!! Everyday it's a struggle to maintain my sanity while interacting with him. So, I pack up my computer go to Starbucks and log into this site and read for an hour. It reminds me I am not alone ... However, I'm disappointed that there are individuals on this site that want to make your venting as bad as your caregiving experience!

I refuse to allow it and so should you!
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Karol53, please do NOT stop coming on AC. You are entitled to vent and share and if it makes you feel better then it has served it's purpose so keep doing it.
I've been coming on AC for almost 5 years. I posted my first and only question the other day. NOBODY responded...until I made a comment about no responses!!! I wasn't mad, I was hurt and dismayed. I try to comment when I know what I'm talking about or have something to share,I hit the "like" button all the time and I send hugs but evidently my post wasnt interesting enough. I thought about quitting but then decided, naw, I have a right to be on here and it's helpful for me. One of my "goals" is let let those who had a less than stellar mother know they have company. There are many stories on here about all the warm fuzzy feelings daughters have for their mothers but there are those of us who did not have fuzzy feelings, not anything close. It's ok for us to have our own feelings and others think we are being mean, we'll, they should try being raised by a mom like ours.
All of us have a right to post and word that post as we like. If you find it offensive, tell them, BUT don't stop posting. Just learn to expect a reply you don't particularly care for and move on. There are posts I find not to my liking, I sure don't like everyone on AC but its all part of the game.
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Thanks for your support Hopeless. Atleast you do see that I am here for a little support from other caregivers. And I do feel like you are right about Jeanne. The very first time I wrote on this forum she verbally attacked me and continues. I am only here to get others insight on how to handle day to day problems with my Dad but do know I am not here to be verbally attacked by other caregivers. I would more than love for this to work out and get a little support from others on how to deal with some of the obstacles that I am running into. But for some unknown reason I have been verbally attacked by this person from day one and do not feel comfortable with putting my issues on here anymore. It is almost like that person is finding fault with me which ever way I turn. I am only trying to make it work with my Dad and nothing else. With all this said I no longer feel like being on this forum or asking for help from others.. Sad but true. I think everyone here deserves support from others as it does help. And I thank everyone else.
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I dealt with taking care of my aunt and working a full time job... it was taking a toll on my relationship with my husband, friends etc. and my health.....she has dementia and was living in an unsecured facility....she started to wander, halucinate, not bathing....so i transfered her to a secured facility and visit her weekly....
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Karol, even if I were annoyed with you, that wouldn't be a good reason for not writing again. I'm just one person among hundreds. I have no official position here. I am just voicing my opinion, as others do. You are free to disregard it. You are free to tell me why I'm wrong. But going away because of one person doesn't make sense.

You walk into your father's private space and find him doing something that embarrasses you to see. Isn't the logical thing to stop walking into his private space? Seems to me to continue doing it is illogical. Sorry, I tell it like I see it.

I know that you are not an illogical person, because I have seen your answers to other people. But your relationship to your father seems to be getting in the way of simple logic. It really seems to me to be time for Dad to live elsewhere. This is taking too big a toll on you. You deserve lower stress! Let paid staff deal with how often he does or does not bathe. Visit him as often as it suits you. If he is disrespectful, leave.
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Karol53 .....

Please do not allow one person in this forum to discourage you from venting!!! That is what this forum is for. You are allowed to post as much as you would like and I encourage you to do so. Maybe Jeanne G. should refrain from responding!

Hang in there :)
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Oh yes I ask him not to give the money to them and also ask them not to spend it. Sorry I will not write my issues again. I feel you are annoyed with me.
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Karol53, you have written about this before. This is the third time you have walked directly into your father's bedroom without giving him warning and found him doing something embarrassing to you. Seems like you should stop walking into his bedroom without warning. How about going into the front door and leaving the spoons on a table? Or taking the spoons home until the next time your father expects to see you? One of my neighbors is deaf, and the doorbell not only rings (for the hearing members of the family) but also causes a light to flash in the house. There are ways to work around your father's hard of hearing condition. Don't use your father's lack of hearing as an excuse to invade his privacy, especially when doing so bothers you so much.

If walking is good for Dad, get him a rollator with a seat so he can pick up the paper and stop to sit down a couple of times and rest. Don't be a martyr to his infirmities if there is a way to help him be more self-sufficient.

This burnout did not happen overnight. You've been struggling with these issues for some time. So when Dad decided to give money away 6 months ago and you knew that would greatly complicate getting him into a care center, did you try to stop him? Did you urge your siblings not to accept?

No one will have to pay the money back -- that is not how it works. Instead a penalty will be assessed and there will be a period when he has been accepted for Medicaid but not eligible for payment. Perhaps your family could agree to pay for his care during the penalty period.

It is clear you are burned out. You don't seem to be looking for ways to ease the stress. It is time, I think, to get him into a care center that can deal with his needs and his infirmities. You have done your duty. Now do what will be best for both of you, and find a good care center for him.
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Well thanks for responses. The bad thing is he gave each of his daughters 18 thousand dollars including myself 6 months ago. He only gets 1100 a month ss. If I was to put him somewhere they would go back 5 yrs on his money. I have that money and will have it the day he dies but I know 2 sisters have spent some of the money and may not be able to come up with the rest and the other sister said she was putting it into an account in case he needed it. He wouldn't give my brother a penny. Nobody wants to help me because he stinks or he has been ugly to them. He thinks the world of my oldest sister but she will not come see him or come take him anywhere. Anyway if I put him somewhere they all have to relinquish that money.

He lost his hearing yrs ago from working in a paper mill. He hears when you shout to him but he lives in his own world because I get tired of shouting so I don't like communication with him. I am a nurse so I do know his ears do not need cleaning. I do know his body does thou. I had his dr talk to him about this but didnt' do any good. And no he doesn't do any unappropiate behavior in public but he should atleast lock his doors. I use his back door which is to his bedroom. Its only a two room house. One of my sisters walked in on him also. I just cannot believe he does this at 94 and especially when he complains he has a bad back and cannot hardly make it back when he has to go get his paper. So I make sure I get up by 7:30 am to go get his paper for him because I got tired of him telling everyone he cant hardly make it back to the house.
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This is a bit delicate, I know. If he is behaving in public, I wouldn't worry about what he does in private. Just don't walk into his bedroom unannounced and you will not be alarmed by anything he might be doing. As weird as it may seem, some older people still have sexual needs. if he is not doing it in public, there is nothing wrong with it. We are just shocked when it is our parents. It adds to the shock factor.

I would be most concerned about his hygiene. I know people don't really need to bathe as much as we tend to, but still I think men need at least 1-2 wet baths a week to keep the skin healthy in the private areas.
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If you are getting burnt out, maybe this situation is not for you. It is not for everybody and that is perfectly OK. Is he going deaf? or do his ears need to be cleaned. This is a very common problem and we often think they are going deaf, but in reality only need their ears cleaned out.

Maybe you should try "forgetting to get his paper" so he can go get it himself. Is he depressed? It's good to have him do some things for himself. Would assisted living be a possibility? Good luck and I understand it is quite frustrating and stressful. Take care.
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