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I want to leave mom's house taking care of her. I need information on how to since none of the others will take care of her? I cannot get along with my mother. Even before she wanted me to move in with her and my disabled brother, I could not get along with her for more than 30 minutes. I make my mind up every day to intentionally disassociate from her. However, I am lucky if I make it till lunch. Or, more often till dinner.
She constantly is (poking=making remarks, suggestions and the like) at me till I can't handle it any longer. I have several health issues that make me more disabled than my mother (our primary care phys are the same) our doctor said to me. I know, I told her.
I am the eldest of 4 children of which live in close walking distance on the same family farm. The excuses are : My oldest brother works all the time. My mom says that and "he is so busy, give him a break". Well! my SIL is stay at home, and the Brother is busy however, not to busy to do whatever they want on weekends.
My sister never calls or visits and she lives the closest to mom..maybe 20 steps away. She is not able to see mom. Again, my sister got hurt at work and has had a surgery or two. However, she is well enough to just come sit with mom surely. Yes she is.
My siblings and I were never really that close to mom and day even though they stayed together and worked hard to keep us fed and clothed. We did not have affection from them. Never a I love you or anything. D and M just fussed all the time. We grew up with that bickering and fighting (not physical). I am the eldest and had to be wherever mom was because she always had something for me to do starting at age 7.
Now, I am worn out.. My husband died november 2009 and my father died July 2009. My daughter went thru a nasty divorce. I starting taking care of mom full time in 2011. No time for me and when there is a little, I am not phys. able to go or do anything.
I have taken care of my parents' bills, banking, calling, getting and ordering medicine, getting all doctor orders, picking up med supplies, just to mention a few. There's lots more. This started when I was 9 because my mother could not write, read, spell or drive. Yes, driving Ms. Daisy lol.
I got a divorce when my daughter (only 1 child) when she was 4 y.o. I was a single parent from that moment on until I met my now deceased husband in 2004. I AM TIRED.
I need desperately some help with leaving my mother's household and caregiving. I have been used all my life and we do not get along. MY health is suffering. Both mental and physical. I can't sleep ( cant fall asleep and then only get 4-5 hours uninterrupted sleep.
I am almost to my wits end..I have been a fighter but I am almost knocked out.
Please give me advice . I really appreciate you reading this posts. Thanks so much.

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COULDITBEME, if you stepped off a curb tomorrow and Santa's sleigh ran over you on the way to a mall, somehow your mother and your brother would get the care they need. You are not indispensable to your mother and you are not appreciated. Why are you there? I think Joan and the others are right -- you are there because of FOG.

You say that there is no one else to take care of her, but that really isn't true. If your disabled brother were an only child, they would be taken care of. If you die, they will be taken care of.

That, of course, is a logical argument. I don't think that logic is driving your decisions.

Just know that when you are ready to make a change the sky won't fall, your mother won't die, and you will have a chance at happiness.
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If your mother's home is large enough, you might try for a live-in caregiver. Mom had a stroke and has needed care since 2007. She has senile dementia now, wears diapers, walks with a walker, spends much of time watching TV. Because of her owning her own home and some income producing property, that we hope to sell sometime, she does not qualify for any government help. Our local "rehab" center charges $8,500 for her. She was there for 3 months after her stroke. Rehab was not ever part of her care. Anyway, with her SS from Dad and the $1,500 from the property, a little help from other things, she gets about $2400 a month. We found we could pay $85 a day and have someone live with and care for her. My sister and I pay for her food and household items (diapers, etc.) for the household. It is usually from $300 - $500 a month - depending on how resourceful the caregiver is in cooking and all. We trade off every other year and keep track of how much we spend. (In case we actually outlive Mom, sell the property and can distribute the estate to us and my deceased brother's children). The amount we pay has caused some rude remarks; however, we have also gotten some really great caregivers. We have had a few bad ones - not with Mom - but with household budget, utility use and abuse of furnishings. You should interview away from home, check references - most important -, have possibles meet your Mom in her home, and if hired drop by from time to time. Also, it was worth it to get an accountant to deal with the payroll and taxes. I tried it for a year as I had just retired; but it was not worth the worry that I was doing something wrong which I was. Figure out what you can pay. I have cared for my Mom sometimes for a few days at a time, when caregivers were not available, and now very occasionally. I should not do it for many reasons. Do not feel guilty and any good caregiver will understand why you cannot care for your own family member. It usually costs us about $3500 a month for caregivers - we now have 3 doing 1 - 3 day care - utilities and medications. We get money out from savings for property taxes and any major expenses. We share the food costs, as I said. My sister and I each hope we will have it as good as Mom if we live that long.
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Coulditbeme: I feel for you...our situations are similiar. I went to counseling, and I was encouraged to read a book by Melody Beattie. "Codependent No More". It helped me alot. You can get it at the library or on Amazon. There are other books that follow. I wish you the best.
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coulditbeme, your mother and mine are the same people. Nothing they do ever sounds so serious, but it is like having a mean mouse nibbling all the time. It is certainly belittling and demoralizing. I don't know why they do it.

You seem to have a very good solution with your mobile home. Do your mother and brother require 24/7 care or could you just check in on them every few hours? It sounds like a great place to create your own space without feeling like you failed them.

Take care of yourself, Sister. I know what you are going through. I wish I had suggestions that I know will work for you, but I know we all have to feel our way along. That mobile home, though, sure sounds like a good compromise to me. :)
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((((((coulditbeme)))))) I can only encourage yiu to get out of that situation ansd stop being used. I think there have been some great suggestions, Social Services is another place that can help, The guilt was built into you years ago so your mum could manipulate you. FOG - fear, obligation and guilt are what unhealthy people use to manipulate others. Please recognise them and do not let them drive your decisions. It is true that nothing will change unless you make the changes, but if you leave and create a void, others may step in. Certainly they won't now. In any case, your mum will get the help she needs one way or another - by others than you. Your mum is not your responsibility. You are your responsibility. I don't think you are a weakling or a glutton for punishment. Those are derogatory words. and the feelings you have about yourself are planted in you from a childhood of emotional abuse.and using. I think you are a kind and caring person who is trying to make a better life for herself or you wouldn't be posting here.. I do believe there are resources around for your mum, your bro and you. My mother disregards the health issues I have, and wants me to do things for her. I had to stop doing them as my health was going downhill. She has arranged for others to do them. She didn't like it when I started saying no, but she got over it. and I got over the guilt. Many (((((hugs))))) to you and encouragement to follow your own path. It is way past time ... Joan
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littletonway: Thank you for your advice. Mom was denied home health care because she did not qualify for skilled nursing. And, she only has a QMB card that pays the copays, deductibles that medicare doesn't. She doesnt financially qualify for a medicaid card because of her and her disabled son's income. Thanks for your efforts. Greatly Appreciated.
Twotonne: I greatly appreciate your agressiveness in the advice you gave me. Woke me from zombiness. I have an old mobile home I could move into but, it is still on "the farm" we live on. I have meditated on this and still can't decide if the guilt would be overwhelming for me. (oh compared to what I feel now!)
Until I make the decision to move and stand up for me nothing will change. I quess that I am a weakling, glutton for punishments and more. Thanking you again and really appreciating your time and advice. Believe me your response will be in my mind as I adventure toward the decision. Thanks
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You desperately need to get out of that living situation before you completely snap. Tell you mother and your siblings that you are moving out and do it. Move ten miles away or even farther.

Go back for no more than weekly visits, just to alleviate any residual guilt that you may have. That will put the ball in the court of your mother and siblings to find a different way to deal with things. During your weekly visit you can take her shopping, pay bills or clean up a little. She will appreciate you more, once she sees she can't walk all over you and you might just hear an occasional thank you. Hire someone to come in to clean her house once a week, get Meals on Wheels or other senior centers to bring her food, get volunteers to check on her well-being during the week. In other words, get some help. A good place to start is your Area Agency for Aging, your church, her doctor, and your siblings. You can't get your siblings to change their ways, but once you remove yourself from her home they may start changing on their own. Now you are doing everything, so why should they lift a finger?

The bottom line is, you need to get into self-perservation mode and not feel guilty about going about your own life. You have done so much that is over and above what your siblings have done.
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First of all, talk to your Mothe's doctor about home health. He will suggest a home healthcare provider, they will come do an assessment to determine what services she is eligible for. They can even suggest companies that provide inhome companions and/or nurses. You might also contact your local senior services group for whatever else is available in your city.

Sounds like you have been a wonderful daughter to your parents. With your own health issues it may well be that you have done all one person can do for your Mother and it is time to look into assisted living or nursing homes. You really have to take care of yourself first and that can be very difficult.

Good luck!
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