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We live with my fiance's grandfather, who has Alzheimer's. His sibling will not help, his father will not help. They positively refuse. He has had to stop working, and is a cardiac patient. I work full time and his grandfather is awake while I am gone, but even when I'm home is too proud to ask me to even open a can. I am very worried about my fiance, as he is exhibiting cardiac symptoms again, is not taking care of himself, and our relationship is beginning to suffer. Placing him is out of the question at this time. He does not remember why VNA comes, he does not remember meals on wheels, he won't allow outside help. His friends from his lodge come to do things with him and he swears he hasn't seen anyone in months. I am so afraid for all of us. I don't know what to do to get respite for the patient and the caregiver. I feel bad that I can't do more. We've discussed having Hospice come in for respite, but grandpa just "fires" everyone who comes because he doesn't know them. His driving has recently been taken away, which has caused even more regression.
We are told "enjoy this time with him, it's not forever." "I can't see him like that." "I'm too busy."
What happens when my fiance has another heartattack? What happens if grandpa hurts himself?
I am at the end of my rope, and I need help. I refuse to see my fiance back in the hospital because his family is avoiding everything, and just does not care.

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Thank you all for responding, it makes me feel better knowing I'm not alone. I do not have any intentions of leaving, it's just not in me. I will blast his whole family first. They are not only ignoring the grandfather, they are risking son/brother's life. They may not be thinking of that part. If they are aware, they are free to cut all ties with us forever.
He spoke with a social worker yesterday, and though we don't qualify for hospice, he does qualify for VA care, and they are going to get him into a "senior buddy" program, and some day programs. He is agreeable to it right now, but we all know every day, every hour even, is different. I have been thinking about counseling for myself, and I guess I should follow through. For nothing else other than to keep me from snapping at home.
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Does grandpa have money to hire some in home care a few days a week? If so, do it! Hire a reputable agency with stipulation that they not leave premises without your permission...in other words, grandpa can't fire because he has ALZ. They can come in a few hrs a day and chaffuer grandpa, do light housekeeping and possibly prepare and feed him lunch. You can also take him to adult daycare and insurance or other may help with this expense. Maybe he could go to a dementia care facility and get veterans assistance if he was a vet.

Your only other choice is to move out and tell dad and or rest of the family that they will have to step in for the sake of you and your fiancé. It's sad, but this happens to so many families when one steps up to the plate but then is stuck thereafter.

Good luck. I hope your fiancé can understand that this situation could go on quite some time but isn't healthy for any of you.
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loriann1, you say that no family member will help. I believe you.

You say that you cannot convince your fiancé to take appropriate steps to get more help for Granddad, or to consider care center placement. I believe you.

You may not be able to change anyone else's mind. But you do have control of your own decisions. Are you willing to stick around until Granddad gets hurt, or to watch your fiancé make self-destructive decisions? You are at the end of your rope. How long are you willing to dangle there?

I suggest the first course of action for you is to get some counseling. If fiancé will go with you, great. But you need this for you, regardless of his decisions.

Joint POA is nearly always a very bad arrangement.
Promises about the future when we do not know the future are ill-advised.

I just point that out for the sake of others reading this. We learn from each other's experiences.
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He is on Aricept, but I think it was too late in the progression for it to do any good. I've suggested that they try an anti-anxiety or anti-depression med, I will push again. I know the anxiety is a big portion of things. I am going to try really hard to get him to seek help, but he is so stubborn. I just don't want to lose him because of this. And I feel selfish because I'm becoming bitter.
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You do have somewhere to turn, but it is your fiancé who needs counseling, to come to grapple with the unfair promise he was forced to make. In the mean time, get the MD to prescribe some Ativan for grandpa.
Get those lodge members to fill in for a Saturday and you two take a ride in the country and stop for a nice dinner. Every little bit helps. Maybe a wine country tour would be good, if there is one nearby.
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His doctor is aware, they share the same physician. His family will NOT help, we've tried. My fiance does have POA, but it's a joint one with his father. We can't get him to sign off. I feel like if he's not going to do anything, he should not have that authority. As for placement, it's my fiance who won't do it. He said he made the promise and he won't go back on it. I've tried explaining grandpa is not the same person he made that promise to, but he won't hear it. I am going to keep on him about the respite with Hospice, even a few days a week is better than none at all. More than anything I am so angry and sickened by his family. I can't understand how people can be that selfish. I feel like we have nowhere to turn.
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Now is the time for a serious sit-down with Grandpa's doctor, who may not be aware of your fiancé's cardiac issues. The family has to either step in or butt out when you place grandpa in a memory care facility. I would assign them each a day of the week to help out and make it clear that a NH is the only other option.
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With Alzheimers, your fiance's grandfather is no longer able to make good decisions about his life. It's like asking a child if they want to stay up and eat candy for every meal. They don't have the decision making capacity to decide what is in their best interest when their brain isn't working right.

Does someone (hopefully your fiance) have his Power of Attorney for healthcare? If so, you need to get advice about getting Grandfather into a facility that can take care of him and not put your fiance in the hospital in worse shape than his Grandfather. Go to youtube and google Teepa Snow and the promise and watch some of her videos about Alzheimers. She talks about making promises to keep someone out of a facility and how with Alzheimers that's a promise that most people can't keep.
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