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My brother recently moved out with his girlfriend. Since he moved out with her it appears that everything to do with taking care of our dad will be left up to me. My dad has a home, which I do live in with him along with my nephew, that is in need of many repairs. My brother is a carpenter by trade, but has not kept up on the maintenance of the home. When he does come to the house he has his girlfriend drop him off and he comes in like we should be excited to see him. I wish I could be more excited. We used to be best friends as well as siblings. Now if he comes over I find myself going over the top asking why he even bothers to show up. He works and is paid good money. We made a "deal". He would go to work, I would take care of dad and he would help pay the bills. Since he has moved out, he has not offered anything to help financially. I hate fighting with him and I hate the anger I feel. His girlfriend owes my dad money and acts like it is no big deal to her. If I bring it up my brother tells me to shut my mouth and we have come close to fist fights!!!! I am too old to fight, but I will be damned if I will welcome her into the home if she cannot even acknowledge the fact she owes the money. My brother's excuse now is that he works hard all day and needs his rest. He won't bring his girlfriend, therefore, he won't come. Then in the end he tells me I am just "Little Miss Perfect" and should just see it from his eyes because I cause problems with him and his girlfriend. Oh well.....I am probably rambling as usual. I thank everyone for the support.....at least I know I am not the only one who tries and still gets kicked in the teeth?????

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kathyt1 that only works if they showed up!
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My therapist taught me to let go of the anger. Do what you are doing out of love for your parent. Just let the anger go. You have no control over your brother. You will still be in the same place, but you will be enriched by love, not consummed with anger.

How to handle your brother. Stop all complaints. They never work, and you need this to work. Thank him profusely for everything he is doing. How you couldn't do this without his help and support. Tell him how vital his financial contribution is. how the situation needs his protection and support.

Can you stop forcing him to choose between his family and his girlfriend. Be on his side, and he will be there every day. Beam when he comes through the door, thank him, then go and do something for yourself. It worked for me. I went from getting no help to getting 20 hours a week of dependable help from various siblings. I love my therapist
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I stay away from my mom and brother...The both need help..Brother is paralyzed and mom is 75..I live 5 hours away...But I give up on them..My brother was forever threatening me before his stroke..He wanted the home we grew up in..My dad promised a hunting Rifle to each of my sons They are GROWN and my brother said he would cut my sons throats before they got those guns..and my brother would ride by my sons house and egg it..set of fire crackers under there cars, and my son put in a Security camera system and caught him and my mother egging he house and setting off fire crackers...My brother was stalking my son and his wife too...He took a job in there area only minute from there house...he would ride by on his lunch hour and eat his lunch staring at the house...SO I signed papers giving up my part of any inheritance and so did my sons..Then this brother started after the Oldest brother..but before the youngest brother could go to the lawyer to have everything settled he had a stroke..he cannot walk and can only use one arm...and his big mouth..The papers mysteriously disappeared.....and never went through ...If my mother changed them on her own...I would not know...but My brother is now sleeping in the Master bedroom, the room he always wanted...for years he had the basement..and mother was upstairs...NOW , mother is in my room..the room that she made me go to...everyday at 6PM...and not join the family..for 7 years...I was isolated ..I could hear them watching tv and laughing..my brothers, my dad and my mom...now she is in that same room...so KARMA does come back to you....GOD will show you what you did to others...if you do not repent..and ask forgiveness....God will avenge..Through all this..I do love my mom and brothers...I forgive everything and I pray GOD bless them with every good and wonderful gift...I want them to be happy, and love life...I wish I could be a part of it...but I know I should leave them in the Hands of GOD...where he can do what needs to be done on there behalf...I cannot go through anymore of what they have already dished out...SO it is discernment of them..keeping a distance ...just because you forgive does not mean that you have to spend time with them...GOD forgave a lot of sinners...but he used his own discernment of who would be his disciples..who was needed to do his work..and the ONE who was needed to fulfill the Plan of GOD...When you pray for those who hurt you...that they find GODS Wisdom, knowledge and understanding..You must remember GOD uses a Two sided sword that cuts on both ends...IN PRAYING for those who hurt you and your enemy..ONCE they learn the REAL PAIN of what they have inflicted on you..THE really do become remorseful...this may take years....but GOD works in mysterious ways...so PRAY for those who hurt you...and imagine the day they wake up with all the wisdom of the Lord....and how there hearts will feel...when they fully understand,..what you have felt....GOD is GOOD...pray for your own self..and others..and especially your enemy!
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Care1975 I will follow you're lead and will treat my siblings as people I know not relatives...
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I have anger at my sister, and we've had "words" about her helping out, or shall I say not helping out, but she won't budge and it is truly a lost cause. When my parents are deceased; for example, if my sister sends me a Christmas card, I'll probably send her one back, but I won't initiate any contact with her. Perhaps what bothers me the most, is about ten years ago when my parents were able to walk and could do things outside of their home, such as going out to lunch, antique shows, etc., I was so burned out from doing their doctor's appointments and when it came to doing fun things, I didn't have the energy. In other words, it would have been great to have had "quality" time with my parents when they were mobile. In addition, one time my sister did take one of my parents to a doctor's appointment when there was a conflicting appointment (appointment was at the same time for the other parent at a different doctor's office). My sister said to me after the appointment that "she didn't realize how hard it was". That was the first and last appointment she has taken our parents to, in other words, she was thinking about herself. For your situation, I would try talking to your brother several more times and also your sister-in-law, then if you feel it is a lost cause, save your energy and try to not focus on it as much (easier said than done). Could your sister-in-law "work" off the money she owes, for example, by caregiving, etc., and that would give you more free time?
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Same goes with my only sib (eldest in the family). I quit my job, brought home (from overseas where I reside) my savinsg to take care of mum. My sib wants nil to do with mum , in fact she has suggested to place mum in NH.( I objected as I feel it would cost us even more (as mum is finniky with food from other sources (other than that cooked by my sib (we do not have transport (ie nil car) so we rely on cab for all purposes. Right now it costs me the equivqlent of 1.5 time 0fwhat I earn before I quit my job. Imagine how long can I survive to provide for mum. There has not been anything offered by ny sib even she is awre that I do not have any income. What is good @ doing is telling her friends how costly mum is and how mum should be grateful. Hey, where is her contributions -none. Yes, mum does have some saving (money I gave her when she was well past 35years I have been supporting mum BUT my sib never offered her anything!!! I think mum's saving can sustain her for the rest of the time she is going to be alive (in fact the money had alredy been spent -to make mum feel good, I keep putting money in her account (she had instructed that my name to be included in the account) and told mum she has got interest from her saving to make her feel good!!! I bear nil ill feeling but I feel sorry for those who are in situations where sib feel theri parents saving should be shared where in fact, there isn, even a copper left (such as my situation). Mum meanwhile has not realise (i think mum think because I am not working because I quit to take care of her , it is OK for me to be ,tied down. like a servant whereas because we are residing @ my sister,s apartment (as mum is receiving care for life lmiting condition-cancer) she regards my sisters, insistance that she does what and how she likes -not wanting to change a bit for me to have respite from mum because she prepare her meals (paid by me
) In fact I pay for all expenses for 3 of us while iving under my sib's roof. Yet mum can't accept that I should keep up my .connection. with my ex-friends and colleague whilst home caring for her. She gets angry when I speak on the phone with friends and she gets upset when I get onto the internet for a little respite from her. More important to research about her medications treatment etc!!! That's why I feel really 'angry' at times with my sib -whom I used to have huge respect for!! I can't do anything to change her for she has repeatedly declre to the teams of support that she will do what she regards as her 'share' of caring just walk away from mum leave me to hold the 'baby'. Her daughtr is no better, she would come and under the pretex of visiting mum but 'whinging non'stop re her in-laws, works and the young babe of 8months -as if I do not have enough to deal with. I just bear and 'grunt to myself that one day mum will realise the importance of showing affection towards us both (even deep down all the family members are aware that they have not been fair to me.
Hang in there, keep praying let the Lord be the judge((((hug)))) it is not easy' ,carrying the torch'' alone Juliek
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I had to put my mom in assisted living after my dad died and I could no longer care for her. I was very hurt with my brother, he hardly ever went to see her. My mom has passed on and I have forgiven my brother, he is the only family I have left. I realize that everyone is different, and everyone handles sickness and death differently, not making excuses for him, but I accept him for what he is, my brother!!
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I just have to say that I am SO GLAD that I am not the only one with shmucks for siblings! It's now been 5 1/2 weeks since my mother had her hip replacement surgery & so far no phone call to her from either one of them. I told my husband I am no longer going to include them in my email updates to my aunts & uncles about her progress. @burtnout10...crap...I thought 2 months was a long time... 9???? UUUUUUGH!!!
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I also experienced the family not helping while I take care of my mom full time. It's like going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread. When siblings want to help they will be there without asking so if your not getting help u most likely wont. We all stepped up to the plate to take care of our parents without even asking. So that tells you a lot. I no longer want to have a relationship with my other 4 siblings. I had so much anger but I think you have to go through it before you just take charge of your own life and make the decisions you need to to get away with using other resources out there other then family. It's crazy that we think if we can just discuss what the needs are for the parent they will help. Not! Even when I tried discussing things with them they just made me more crazy. Don't waste your precious time and energy. Sorry I sound so crazy but it is what it is.
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Purplesushi, I just wanted to say I love the part where you say "they'll call ME and ask ME how mom's doing. I used to fall for the crap too and tell them and then realized how much that was them feeding their guilty consience. Ya for them to call and ask how you are will never happen and your right we all have to not allow that negative to eat us up or we are done. I too live in CA. San Diego and applied for Medi-cal and IHSS for mom. If you have any questions or need help please let me know. It's a long road with Medi-cal and IHSS. Took us over nine months of paper work from hell and proof of this and that and IHSS I am getting paid to care for mom not very much but it helps as I too at 43 am not able to get a job at this time and you have to go to orentations for IHSS to get paid to be a caregiver. Anyway. God help us all and good luck :)
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I have a sister that helps as much as possible---she lives 2 hours away. I have a brother who also lives about 2 hours away and he absolutely does not lift a finger to help me with my mother. He is retired and could be a help by simply coming to visit her regularly. He doesn't do anything to help. He will never do anything to help, and he is not concerned about my sister or me. I stayed angry about this for a long time until I finally figuredd out that it is simply a waste of energy to be angry with siblings that don't help. Chances are that family members never change. Those that help will always do their best to ease your burden. Those who don't help usually never change. Its a sad reality, but I would say just do the best you can... you won't be sorry you did.
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I see I contradicted myself...I meant that the RESENTMENT never goes away. The anger has to be turned loose or it will eat us up. We are also supposed to love our enemies (sister). I find that one SO HARD to do. It's hard to believe that we came from the same parents. We are like night and day...HER being the evil darkness. I have so much resentment for her from childhood and ongong today and I am 54. Honestly, I will not go to her funeral when she dies..and at the rate she is going...on cancer medication and drinking alcohol every day, it won't be long. It won't bother me ONE bit. She's betrayed me and bullied me all of my life. She once said years ago...."Your the good daughter" because I always help people...dad, mom, brother, SISTER... whoever needs it. While she has never helped ANYONE but herself. I told her 6 months ago when I said..."No more" that she was RIGHT back then when she said that about me being the "good" daughter. I sleep very well at night. I'm betting she has nightmares. Oh well!!
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Wow...I could go ON and on about this topic. For me....I HAD to let that anger go after 6 years of caring for mom with NO help. I finally stopped calling them when mom had to go to the hospital..stroke, etc. When I DID call them...they never came to visit her in the hospital ANYWAY. I stopped ALL contact with sister (if that's what you could call her). She's been a bully to me since childhood and is one year older. Now, she is 56 and an even BIGGER bully than she was during childhood. I do NOT need another bully in my life..she is self-centered and cares only for herself...NOBODY else. She's also an alcholic..a working one. I always said, "What comes around, goes around..Karma" She came down with breast cancer a few years ago. I had already cut her out of my life for all of the bullying and hatefullness. When I had to move mom BACK in with me (she's lived me many times over the last 6 years), God kept telling me to "call sister" and let her know that mom is now on hospice and living with me again". I fought that. But finally gave in and called sister. Oh yes...she was SO glad that I had called after two years of having nothing to do with her...she said she would come right over and see mom...whom she had NOT SEEN in 3-4 years and lives only 10 min from her. Sister got here and said ONE word to mom..."Hi". Then, started telling ME all about the day she found out she had cancer and all the chemo, radiation, losing hair, blah , blah blah. I couldn't have cared LESS. She's STILL self-centered and a bully...the cancer didn't even change her evil heart. She has NEVER helped me with mom...NEVER..NOT ONCE and I did ask...knowing what the answer would be. She never has forgiven mom for being so abusive to her and I as kids. I DID. She just has "better" things to do when she is not working ...like DRINKING herself into oblivion. It's HER loss and brother's loss. Yes..the anger is still there and will always be there ..even when mom passes, I will have nothing to do with her. Very little to do with brother. And, what is sad is that I have helped BOTH of them throughout their lives....giving them a place to stay with me when they needed it, paying ALL bills, charging them NOTHING...giving them a CAR to drive when they had none. BAck then I was making good money working. I am a GIVER..not a taker. They are TAKERS. This will always be the FACT. Without bully sister in my life, I am SO MUCH happier!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I kind of miss hanging around with little brother as we were always close as children even though he was mom's favorite child and never got abused like sister and I did. Life goes on. We do the best we can each day to stay AWAY from negative people..don't let them steal YOUR power and happiness. God sees all, knows all and JUDGES all. In the end...it is they who will NOT have an answer for God. I sleep VERy well at night. :)
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I am also the "primary caregiver" of my mother, with no help from my sister or brother. It SUCKS. My mother lives in our home, and my (adult) children help me when they can, but they have their own lives and I can't expect them to drop everything and come running when it should be my siblings to do so. My brother lives 2 states away, my sister 2 hours. Neither one of them call very often, neither one of them ask if I need anything, if we need money for anything, etc. - hell, they don't even CALL our mother if they don't have to. It's ridiculous. I had a social worker tell me that she would be happy to make a phone call & lay everything on the line for them...basically wake up and spend time with your mother, either in person or on the phone, before it's too late. Did that help? Nope. They'll call ME and ask ME how Mom's doing...are you freaking kidding me????? One of these days they'll realize what I've been saying all along..until then, I'm not going to allow it to eat me up alive - it's just not worth it.
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You will attract more flies with honey than vinegar. Swallow the anger down and re-focus. What is it that you need from him exactly. Help finically? Support? An reaffirmation? Is he paying the bills? Is Dad? Who's kid is the nephew? Why aren't they taking care of him? Nancy is right. Try to be pleasant. Decide what you really need from him and honey him up. You might start by taking your nephew to McDonalds and a movie. Your brother could surely take a couple of hours to watch Dad and fix something small. His "girl" could even come over to help if you are going to be gone. Let her get a look at it. All I'm saying is use some sweetness to bring him back to the helping fold and get some time for your self.
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I don't think it subsides but being that I have a similar experience my older sister and her family live 10 minutes away and has not been over to see mom in about four months. Never asks how my other sister mom or me are doing but continues to text or call and need help or something and I have to act like nothing is wrong. I have had to except that I can't change her and she will go to her grave with this on her shoulders maybe haha. I will always love my sister but I don't have to like her choices. I thank God that I am not that way and use this as a positive to take care of mom as she won't be here forever. I just say some people will never get it and being the main caregiver no one and I mean no one does what we do or deals with what we have to deal with. Don't let it get to you or it will destroy your goodness. Easier said than done. Good luck and please take care of yourself. Know your doing the best you can.
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I believe that you are burnt out and need time for yourself. When your brother comes to visit your father maybe you can take a drive or even go out to a coffee shop. You need some "Me Time." It will allow you to relax and get energized. Nancy is right, things that is not in your control, let it go. My siblings are not helping me, for a while I got angry, but I realized it was not helping me and I cannot change them. I blessed them, and reconnected with myself. I decided I wanted to be happy while taking care of my mother. Every moment being with her is a blessing. Take one day at a time. Each day find one thing that is positive in your life. or grateful for. Do something that you enjoy, painting, drawing .... it allows you to reconnect with who you are while taking care of your father, and you will gain inner peace. Best wishes
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Nancy, you said it so well. My thoughts exactly. Happiness, I would stop fighting with my brother. It looks like he has found a life with a woman he wants to be with. And it sounds like he is also trying to be there for you guys. From what you wrote, I sense you are pushing him away, then blaming him for pushing him away.
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Happiness, you are fighting a losing battle when you force your brother to choose between you and the woman he's sleeping with. I'm afraid she's going to win every time, so you need to stop pitting yourself and the girlfriend against each other. Instead, ask your brother if he'd like to change the 'deal' you two had once decided upon. Tell him your circumstances haven't changed like his has, and you don't know exactly how to proceed from here because you still NEED his help. I'm not saying that you're not right, but getting in his face and forcing a confrontation is only going to put him on the defense, and you're going to lose. And as for the money the girlfriend owes your dad, let that go. You're never going to see it again, it's a lost cause to be honest. But the most important thing is, don't cause your brother to chose between a needy, whiny, demanding sister and the woman he goes to bed with every night. You can still make this work if you swallow your pride a little and redefine the terms you and your brother had to begin with. Good luck.
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In my case my sisters were not honest when it came to money and physical items that my parents owned. So I feel my sisters will need to work of the freeloading. When I asked simple questions I was met with resistance. I understand that all situations are different. But this is like any once loving relationship. There are always two sides to a story. If my sisters call I will be nice. But I will not apologize for there actions...
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I lowered the expectations I had of my siblings and tried to think of them as just people I know. It still hurt, but it seemed to help me be less angry. They have no idea what you have to do and the feelings you have to deal with and they probably never will unless they are the ones doing the care. They refuse to do it and blame you for being difficult, which is not fair.
Both of my parents have passed now, and I feel proud of what I did to help them. I still treat my siblings like people I know and don't expect things to be as they were, some of them have become friends and some have not, and the anger is pretty much gone. They just can't understand since they haven't been in my shoes. They just thought I was playing the vicitm...etc...
This forum has gave me the support I wish I had from my family, the people here understand the emotional toll caregiving takes on us. It will gave me the strength to deal with my siblings choices.
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Your brother is selfish. He will reap what he has sown.
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Yes it can when I am thinking right.I have so much to do that Ican choose not to feed my negative emotions.Why should I waste time and energy thinking about them?they are obviously not thinking about me or our Father!!.I have found it helps greatly to lower or eliminate my expectations of what they should or shouldnt do.But it still hurts.However I am afirm beleiver in "what comes around goes around" or "As you sow shall you reap" so why do I need to waste any time thinking about them all they really do is make caregiving harder anyways.
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