I find myself getting angry at other people at work, sometimes without good reason. I know its because I feel helpless about what is happening to my mom. Trying to figure out what to do with the overwhelming emotions that build up inside me.
In a way, it's good to hear that others are having some of the same problems. My mother moved in with me and my husband nearly 7 years ago. At the time I thought it would be good because she would be closer to my brothers as well. Big surprise, they hardly ever come by to see her and they NEVER
I think Sandfox’s suggestion of physical exercise is excellent. Yoga and pilates have really helped me. I always come out of a class feeling better than going in. I have to say tho, last summer my stress, anger and anxiety got so bad that I couldn’t hold a thought, I couldn’t focus, my heart would palpitate and my mind would rev like an engine with the brakes on. The tires in my mind were definitely screeching and blowing smoke. I knew I was out of control and needed help, so I made an appointment with my doctor and got on an anti-depressant. I’m a pharmaceuticals-as-last-resort kind of person, but I knew I couldn’t help myself at the point I was at. I’m also seeing a therapist, which I think is a must when on medication since the idea is to get off the meds eventually. They have helped a great deal. I can now do the thousand million things that need to get done without blowing a gasket. I have a cranky 96 year old father with dementia, a job that requires a good deal of thinking (yikes!), a husband that is supportive but, hey, it’s not his father, and 2 useless siblings who think it’s my *choice* to look after my father. Even my therapist said I didn’t have to do it. Huh? Even if I was heartless and didn’t try to honor his wishes to die at home, and put him in a nursing home and forgot about him forever because I didn’t “have” to look after him, someone has to clean out the house, put it on the market, cut the utilities, pay the residual bills, deal with nursing home calls, etc, etc. But I digress and am starting to rant. The good news is that as I write this, my heart rate is not up, and I’m not blowing smoke. Antidepressants don’t get rid of your issues, but they do help you cope with them so that you’re functional. If you find yourself in a dysfunctional state that you can’t get out of yourself, please call your doctor and ask him for help. Whether its meds, counseling, or both, you will be better for it. I hope my story helps you.
Hello Sonnybee I feel for you because I have been there. I believe we all in this forum have been there because whether we like it or not it does seem to be part of the natural process of anyone who is caregiver. It is just like the post-traumatic syndrome, like mourning when someone we love dies. We have a life for better or worse and all of a sudden a challenging situation falls into our laps. We are humans! we react to it. Nobody likes to lose their freedom. Nobody likes to be responsible for someone else's life or full time care. There is no comfort on thinking that we are not the only ones. There is no comfort found on all the advice, all the emotional support anyone can give. It is what it is and we have to face it ALONE. All I can say is that as any process that has many stages, this too shall pass. Only time can heal wounds and help us move forward. But there are a handful of things that can be done to speed up a little bit each of those stages. 1.- Knowledge is Power. Educating ourselves about how the brain works, what can be done to delay mental deterioration, and learning skills to cope, deal and help the best we can our beloved parents (or whoever we are caring for). I took recently a "Savvy Caregiver" course that provided an important amount of tools, skills and information that made my perspective wide open. As long as we take anything that our ill loved ones do personally we will be stuck in a bad place. The sooner we realize that none of their behaviors, actions, words, attitudes, etc. are done on purpose to make us miserable, the sooner we heal our wounded hearts. 2.- Self-Care. I cannot tell you how important is to realize that there is NO doubt of the connection between mind, body, emotions, thoughts, nutrition, hygiene, and everything else for that matter. As long as we do not nourish our body with the proper nutrition that all the cells in our bodies need for optimal function, we will not be well, our thoughts will be faulty, our emotions out of control or very intense, and therefore our words, attitude and behaviors. Optimal health (and I am talking COMPLETE health: mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual) begins with optimal nutrition. As long as we are lacking the nutrients that our cells need to produce the chemicals for optimal function, we will not function optimally. And we not only need nourishment from foods, which is the most important. Our brains need also to be nourished and stimulated. We need to exercise the brain. We need to read, we need to solve problems, we need to learn to rationalize things before we blindly believe them. We need to nourish our hearts with fulfilling and healthy relationships and by doing things that makes us happy, by engaging in activities that bring satisfaction, that motivates us to thrive healthy. 3.- Taking Action. Although it is nice to be able to vent with like-minded people and share in our misfortune, pain and suffering it really does not change our situations and nothing will unless we take action. We can complain all we want. We can feel sorry for ourselves all we want. We can feel overwhelmed, angry, hopeless, frustrated, and we can dwell in the past, the mistakes, the misfortunes, etc. etc. etc. Nothing will change the situation and yet we use ALL of our energy on this negative attitudes that takes nowhere. Instead, we should use our energy to take action. We need to sit down and write down all the things that we need to do, all the pending things we have and we need to organize them, decide which ones are more important, prioritize and make a schedule to do them. If we do not set goals is like getting in a ship without a captain, without destination. Goals need to be put in black and white in a piece of paper. We need to write them down. We need to see them. We need to have an action plan with steps to achieve them. I hope this insights help you meditate a whole lot about your particular situation and I hope I have inspired you to take action, practice self-care, and seek out to learn whatever you need to learn to be a savvy caregiver. Most people act like they do when they go to church. They love the sermon, they even get inspired or motivated, but as soon as they leave the building they get distracted by the negative attitude of someone in the parking lot, or by anyone else and forget all about the sermon and go on with their lives. Most people read self-help books but NEVER actually put into action all the advice they hear. I used to that myself. It is an every day struggle. It is an ongoing war of the mind against ourselves. It takes work. Nothing is magical. There is no quick fixes. As long as we continue to ignore, be in denial, or refusing to take action well... nothing will change and we will continue to complain and dwell in our misfortune. It is really up to us to choose how we want our lives to continue to be. The past is gone, nothing to do about it. Cannot be changed, cannot be altered. All we have is the present, the here and now and we are the ones who can choose to live inside our minds re-playing the past over and over or choose to live in the present and build a better, healthier, happy, satisfactory and fulfilling tomorrow. All problems have a solution and if you do not know how to solve it, then you go and look for help and learn from someone who knows how to solve that problem. We all have different skills and talents and we all lack some skills and talents, that is why we teach each other and we learn from each other. We all have something to teach and we all have something we need to learn. So, my dear friend... it is your choice.
It is very natural to get angry, resentful and impatient. Best thing you can do, is get help with her care. I started with hiring 3 nice ladies to help me for 4 hours a day. I paid them $12-$15 per hour to visit with her, give her lunch and shower her. They would take her out to lunch, watch tv and be a friend to her. She loved them. Ask for help and accept it. It was hard for me at first, but I was able to keep my mom at home till she passed away on March 6th. Do the best you can for yourself and her, and get help!. It is cheaper than a Assisted living and nursing home. It may be an inconvience, but it is only for a short time. You will have no regrets.
Oh, how I can relate. Just ask anyone who knows me! This is just one of the ways I deal with my anger, frustration, guilt (my mom is a very difficult and negative woman), and all the other emotions that trail along: First, I take a step back (hit your personal pause button) and try to see your situation as one human being (you) taking care of another human being (mom). Take a moment to acknowledge the fact that you are doing something self-less and precious for someone in need. Sometimes, I think if my mom was a stranger, I may be more compassionate and patient(!). When I separate the tasks at hand with my emotional attachments it makes it a bit easier. I know how challenging it is to find balance in the caretaker world and our personal world.
On March 6th my 85 yr old mom passed away at my home with her loving sister of 85, my husband, who had helped me with her care and my 3 wonderful 30+ daughters who had been a tremendous support this past month. My mom lived with my husband and I for almost 7 years and developed alzheimers. She was in the final stage when she passed on March 6th. I would loose my patience and get angry with her when she would not eat, would not listen, would insist on going to bed at 5pm. She would always want to go home when we would take her out for a holiday. I was resentful for having the responsibility of caring for a 87 yr old when I thought at 58 yrs old, haveing my girls grown, gone and married, my husband and I could enjoy our alone yrs together with no responsibility. Life did not have that in store for me. My mom was, patient, kind, and beautiful. She was always the "Caregiver" to anyone in need. She took in her father and mother -in law as they aged and devoted her life to "Family". Her illness with alqheimers had gotten worse this past 1 1/2 and it was getting to the point where we were looking at nursing homes. I had 3 wonderful caregivers come in to help 4 hours a day, 3 -5 days a week. My mom could not be left alone and after the caregivers left for the day, my husband would take good care of my mom till I got home from work at 6pm. My husband is the bet and I could not have done these past 2 yrs without his help. Yes, he complained like any man would, but he did things no other son-inlaw would ever do. Towards the end we looked into a nursing home, as that is what everyone told me we need to do. I visited several NH and I could not picture my mom living there. She was already living like a princess in her little castle we had built for her on the side of my living room. She deserved better than a NH. I called Hospice on Jan 4th, they evaluated her and felt she was not ready for their service as she was still walking around. One month later, I called them back. She had developed a UTI and had a fall, developed pnemonia and now was accepted into hospice care on February 6th. It was truely a blessing. They helped us thru her final month. She had 24 hr loving compassionate care from her family and hospice and died very peacefully in her own little palace. I could not have asked for anything more. I still do feel guilty when I look back at the time when I did yell at her and loose patience, but I do know I did the best for her. We decided on Hospice after realizing that her time left on earth was short and I was just being selfish for wanting to have a life of my own. Her time came and I miss her. She would have done the same for me or anyone that she loved. She taught me well.
LindafromVT; I had this problem with my mom; she "wouldn't hear" of paying the "high rent" in AL. We sat her down and said "mom, this isn't working for us anymore, we can't come every time there's snow, every time you think maybe there's water in the basement, etc etc." My brother, in his 50's couldn't do snow removal for his house and hers, an hour away. I nearly got killed driving up to do grocery shopping for her during a snowstorm. Her anxiety and constant worry and demands to go to the doctor every week were not sustainable. We found her a lovely independent living arrangement, assured her that she had the money to afford it and guess what? She LOVES it. She gets healthy meals, she has intellectual stimulation and good caring staff. She's SO much healthier and better off physically and mentally than she was a year ago. Don't take no for an answer.
All of the above comments sound like where I am right now. Anger at the person you are caring for is "normal". It happens to all of us. Resentment goes right along with it. It's a period you have to go through and finally reach the "being able to detach" point. It's very hard. Don't feel guilty; it's a normal reaction to your situation. The most important thing that you need to do is carve out some time for yourself in whatever way you can. Physical activity, like cycling (maybe on an indoor trainer if you can't leave the house), or Pilates, will help relieve a lot of the tension and keep you healthier. I can't stress enough the importance of physical activity; it is a form of anger release. It gets the stress out of your body. If possible, get a neighbor, friend, someone who can come in and watch your charge for an hour or so, and get out of that environment and get some aggressive exercise. Meditation (or prayer or whatever you call it) also helps. I also resent it that my mother won't do exercises that would keep her in much better shape, but she won't then she complains that she's weak. Well, yeah. And, when they have these attitudes in which they just won't help themselves, it's time to allow yourself to just accept that fact, and detach. Do what is necessary to do, but during those times that you have been trying to get your charge to exercise, eat right, etc, and they won't, allow yourself to use that time to take care of yourself. Give yourself break. If elders with dementia could express themselves, they would tell you that. My mother has dementia, but she is still aware enough--in the middle of that brain fog--to realize when I'm at the breaking point, and she backs off on many demands she usually makes. Take advantage of that time for yourself. You mother does not want you to kill yourself to take care of her, especially since she knows she's on the way out which is why she has quit trying in many areas. When they decide to quit, you have to let them. It's really selfish to demand that they try to stay longer. JMHO.
Oh my, I felt this anger too...so angry I could not have my old mother back. My mother with dementia cried, peed in her pants, could not walk. I still loved my mom with dementia but she became my child. When she died a month ago, I prayed in tears to have my mom back in any capacity. She was always there for me no matter what. Did I do enough for her? I hope that I did. I tried my best, but I know I was impatient, sometimes short with her when se could not walk fast enough...not always though, because I love her so very very much and she would have walked 100 miles for me. If I could only have her back now I would take care of her forever. She was not happy though, which made her behaviors more demanding.. She was such an independent, beautiful, caring person who never missed church. Always dressed perfectly, hair perfectly fixed, makeup on - then she could no longer go to church, drive, get out of the house, and then no longer could walk. She was so unhappy....even in her decreased mental condition. I want her back so badly, but for ME.....she is now free of the Alzheimer's disease. Terrible disease that ruined her life. We all get short tempered...it is a lot of responsibility and just the unusual circumstance of our parents becoming like our child. Work it out now, think it out now - as you will be like me and have complicated grief. I feel I could have done more for my mom, even though I moved in with her to keep her out of a nursing home. I knew she would die in one as I have worked in them as a contracted mental health professional. LOVE HER WHILE YOU HAVE HER!!!
Just wanted to say how well I understand ! As my mothers legal gaurdian , I have so many emotions . So many things happened so quick. With my Mother I wonder how long ,how many years...... With the Alz. and the continueing decline in her health, its always something and the calls from the NH. Its good they call but its like I'm connected at the hip. The way you feel is very normal ,its fustrating not being able to do something............. I myself take very long walks and the only thing else I can suggest is do something for yourself - have ME time and know that you are not alone ! Take notice when you get angry and fustrated take a deep breath count to 10 before you take action . I know how hard its and so do many many others. Take care best wishes to you.
As my mother's caregiver, I get angry, too. I feel guilty and angry at myself for not being more understanding. What helps me is imagining myself in my mother's place. I ask, "How would I want my daughter to treat me?" It's frightening to think of own my daughter or a caregiver yelling at or resenting me. Later I find myself being more humble and tolerant of my mother. I've also imagined myself at my mother's funeral. What would be on my conscience that day? Despite all the hardships of care giving, I KNOW I would miss her not seeing her face again. I KNOW I'd wish for a chance to do things better. Then I realize that this is the only chance I'll get. Yes, I still get angry, but those images help me to get through one more day of trying my best.
If I were a betting person, I would be safe to say that you are a wonderul caregiver to your mom. You have been doing all the right things, but she can't tell you. You make sure that mom is safe and secure and that you take better care of you than yourself. The one thing that happens when you are a caregiver is that no one compliments you on doing all of the hard work, or provides any kind of positive reinforcement. So listen carefully to what I am saying: You have been so very good to help out with mom. I know that you are there for her every need. You are the best and I want to thank you personally for being the best child of all. The love your give daily to your mom will never go away--if mom could tell you how much your care means to her I am sure that she would. Don't be angry at her just be thankful that you are the best ever and showed her love in every way. Thanks for all you have done and are doing to care for your mother. You are the best ever!!!! Thanks.
Yep, you're in good company. I'm retired and resent my mother at times because she refuses to take advantage of all the programs for the elderly, she only wants me to take care of her. She allowed one person to come in 4 hours a week to do housecleaning, but I do all the rest, her laundry, her bills, her garbage and I'm the sole one to take her to all her appointments. Now she has some early dementia going on and her physical weakness is getting worse. What happened to my easy life of retirement with my husband? I'm an only child and she has no one else and won't even hear about assisted living which she so desperately needs
I've been working with the agency on aging, but they are of little help. They can't force mom to do anything she doesn't want to do, so I'm stuck. All they tell me is to take care of myself, blah,blah, blah. Yeah, so who is supposed to take care of mom while I take care of myself? Don't they get it? If mom were off my hands for a while, I'd be fine, but she won't let anyone in but me and I can't take it anymore. I want to enjoy my life with my husband before I get to be her age and need help, but that seems highly unlikely.
Please know you are not alone and there is comfort in knowing that. Take care.
I feel like I could have written this today...my mom is getting weaker and weaker as well and it breaks my heart to see her declining even more. I don't know how to deal with it myself...so I can't help you either...but it does help to know that we are not alone in our feelings....I blew up at the manager at the grocery store the other day because the music was so loud I couldn't stand it...
Just keep reminding yourself that you are doing the best you can do for your mother. Do not feel guilty about what you are not able to do but good about what you can do! We are all here for you and will keep you in our thoughts. I agree with Hopeless that you should do something for yourself each day even if it is just to sit still and breathe!!!
I felt the same way when I was working. I constantly felt on edge and any little thing would push me over that edge. I'm seeing a therapist now and she recommends that I try to designate "me time" weekly. Schedule fun or relaxing activities that help to ease the stressful 9.5 or 10 most of us caregivers operate on.
I have found in the past years of being a caregiver, that at those times I would step away from the situation an Pray .. take a deep breath and take some time for yourself if its at all possible. Talk to someone who knows what you are going through.. as caregivers we do have support groups ;) Lord knows we need them.
I feel for you because I have been there. I believe we all in this forum have been there because whether we like it or not it does seem to be part of the natural process of anyone who is caregiver. It is just like the post-traumatic syndrome, like mourning when someone we love dies. We have a life for better or worse and all of a sudden a challenging situation falls into our laps. We are humans! we react to it. Nobody likes to lose their freedom. Nobody likes to be responsible for someone else's life or full time care. There is no comfort on thinking that we are not the only ones. There is no comfort found on all the advice, all the emotional support anyone can give. It is what it is and we have to face it ALONE.
All I can say is that as any process that has many stages, this too shall pass. Only time can heal wounds and help us move forward. But there are a handful of things that can be done to speed up a little bit each of those stages.
1.- Knowledge is Power. Educating ourselves about how the brain works, what can be done to delay mental deterioration, and learning skills to cope, deal and help the best we can our beloved parents (or whoever we are caring for). I took recently a "Savvy Caregiver" course that provided an important amount of tools, skills and information that made my perspective wide open. As long as we take anything that our ill loved ones do personally we will be stuck in a bad place. The sooner we realize that none of their behaviors, actions, words, attitudes, etc. are done on purpose to make us miserable, the sooner we heal our wounded hearts.
2.- Self-Care. I cannot tell you how important is to realize that there is NO doubt of the connection between mind, body, emotions, thoughts, nutrition, hygiene, and everything else for that matter. As long as we do not nourish our body with the proper nutrition that all the cells in our bodies need for optimal function, we will not be well, our thoughts will be faulty, our emotions out of control or very intense, and therefore our words, attitude and behaviors. Optimal health (and I am talking COMPLETE health: mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual) begins with optimal nutrition. As long as we are lacking the nutrients that our cells need to produce the chemicals for optimal function, we will not function optimally. And we not only need nourishment from foods, which is the most important. Our brains need also to be nourished and stimulated. We need to exercise the brain. We need to read, we need to solve problems, we need to learn to rationalize things before we blindly believe them. We need to nourish our hearts with fulfilling and healthy relationships and by doing things that makes us happy, by engaging in activities that bring satisfaction, that motivates us to thrive healthy.
3.- Taking Action. Although it is nice to be able to vent with like-minded people and share in our misfortune, pain and suffering it really does not change our situations and nothing will unless we take action. We can complain all we want. We can feel sorry for ourselves all we want. We can feel overwhelmed, angry, hopeless, frustrated, and we can dwell in the past, the mistakes, the misfortunes, etc. etc. etc. Nothing will change the situation and yet we use ALL of our energy on this negative attitudes that takes nowhere. Instead, we should use our energy to take action. We need to sit down and write down all the things that we need to do, all the pending things we have and we need to organize them, decide which ones are more important, prioritize and make a schedule to do them. If we do not set goals is like getting in a ship without a captain, without destination. Goals need to be put in black and white in a piece of paper. We need to write them down. We need to see them. We need to have an action plan with steps to achieve them.
I hope this insights help you meditate a whole lot about your particular situation and I hope I have inspired you to take action, practice self-care, and seek out to learn whatever you need to learn to be a savvy caregiver.
Most people act like they do when they go to church. They love the sermon, they even get inspired or motivated, but as soon as they leave the building they get distracted by the negative attitude of someone in the parking lot, or by anyone else and forget all about the sermon and go on with their lives. Most people read self-help books but NEVER actually put into action all the advice they hear. I used to that myself. It is an every day struggle. It is an ongoing war of the mind against ourselves. It takes work. Nothing is magical. There is no quick fixes. As long as we continue to ignore, be in denial, or refusing to take action well... nothing will change and we will continue to complain and dwell in our misfortune. It is really up to us to choose how we want our lives to continue to be. The past is gone, nothing to do about it. Cannot be changed, cannot be altered. All we have is the present, the here and now and we are the ones who can choose to live inside our minds re-playing the past over and over or choose to live in the present and build a better, healthier, happy, satisfactory and fulfilling tomorrow.
All problems have a solution and if you do not know how to solve it, then you go and look for help and learn from someone who knows how to solve that problem. We all have different skills and talents and we all lack some skills and talents, that is why we teach each other and we learn from each other. We all have something to teach and we all have something we need to learn.
So, my dear friend... it is your choice.
First, I take a step back (hit your personal pause button) and try to see your situation as one human being (you) taking care of another human being (mom). Take a moment to acknowledge the fact that you are doing something self-less and precious for someone in need. Sometimes, I think if my mom was a stranger, I may be more compassionate and patient(!). When I separate the tasks at hand with my emotional attachments it makes it a bit easier. I know how challenging it is to find balance in the caretaker world and our personal world.
I also resent it that my mother won't do exercises that would keep her in much better shape, but she won't then she complains that she's weak. Well, yeah. And, when they have these attitudes in which they just won't help themselves, it's time to allow yourself to just accept that fact, and detach. Do what is necessary to do, but during those times that you have been trying to get your charge to exercise, eat right, etc, and they won't, allow yourself to use that time to take care of yourself. Give yourself break. If elders with dementia could express themselves, they would tell you that. My mother has dementia, but she is still aware enough--in the middle of that brain fog--to realize when I'm at the breaking point, and she backs off on many demands she usually makes. Take advantage of that time for yourself. You mother does not want you to kill yourself to take care of her, especially since she knows she's on the way out which is why she has quit trying in many areas. When they decide to quit, you have to let them. It's really selfish to demand that they try to stay longer. JMHO.
decline in her health, its always something and the calls from the NH. Its good they call but its like I'm connected at the hip. The way you feel is very normal ,its fustrating not being able to do something............. I myself take very long walks and the only thing else I can suggest is do something for yourself - have ME time and know that you are not alone ! Take notice when you get angry and fustrated take a deep breath count to 10 before you take action . I know how hard its and so do many many others. Take care best wishes to you.
I've been working with the agency on aging, but they are of little help. They can't force mom to do anything she doesn't want to do, so I'm stuck. All they tell me is to take care of myself, blah,blah, blah. Yeah, so who is supposed to take care of mom while I take care of myself? Don't they get it? If mom were off my hands for a while, I'd be fine, but she won't let anyone in but me and I can't take it anymore. I want to enjoy my life with my husband before I get to be her age and need help, but that seems highly unlikely.
Please know you are not alone and there is comfort in knowing that. Take care.
Do you take time for yourself at all?