What's a good way of dealing with some of my anger as my mom gets weaker and weaker?

Hi. I just went through this with my mother. She passed away last week and the emotions are still raw. I felt terrible when I would feel any emotions that are viewed as negative. One thing that really helped me through was to accept whatever emotion I was feeling. If we try and stuff them down, they just get worse and tear you up. You are on the emotional roller coaster so strap in and allow yourself to feel whatever emotion that comes along. Just don't allow yourself to get stuck in the negative emotions.
One thing I found that helped me was journaling my emotions. That was so therapeutic.
Best wishes.

wouldn't it be cool if the politicians read it? what's more, actually CARED ABOUT IT? i won't hold my breath, lol!

we could send copies of it to them. :)

I don't know how to post information to this site, but this important article about soaring medical cost for Alzheimers and dementia patients appeared in today's New York Times. I hope this study will alert political policy makers that caregivers need financial and other support.: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/04/04/health/dementia-care-costs-are-soaring-study-finds.html?nl=todaysheadlines&emc=edit_th_20130404&_r=0

I see your point as to why you feel angry. As a caregiver to my very difficult and challenging grandpa, what works for me is to get some fresh air DAILY outdoors. If you have to go to the park for an hour and sit on the bench or take a walk or sit outside in your backyard, as long as you are outdoors getting some air, it helps. When the weather is nice and warm, I would take my grandpa with me to a park. It benefits him because he gets uplifted. Fresh air helps alot.

Sonnybee I've been asking the same question for weeks now!:) Soozi sorry for what you went through I can relate:) I never used to listen to hard rock music but a friend turned me out to bands like Creed and Nickleback. The singers sing lyrics that are often very positive in nature and the power and the rawness some days is the only thing that I look forward to.

Ok seriously I punched a pillow once and felt so much better! I want to buy a punching bag and maybe take a martial arts class...I do exercise regularly which helps but I find when I'm angry sometimes I overdo it and end up REALLY sore. I meditate, pray that helps too.

Honestly some days nothing helps. Going here helps! I am part-time caregiver for my dad and he's been really hostile lately.

I'm sure you are a great caregiver, thumbs up and thanks for sharing! Hope you feel better soon:)

You are absolutly right PamelaSue. Even if there are times in which the feeling of impotence, of desperation makes dificult, or almost imposible to evoid leaving, sending a strong jet of anger, of steam, in whichever direction, in whomever be present, just to feel alive, just to feel that something can be done... I understand that for many people is impossible to stop and think, and turn around...
A hug to everyone

Don't do what I just did.

a good cautionary tale. probably why most of us blow up at our family, we know that:
A. they won't call the cops.
B. they will love us after they cool down.

But man oh man that cheap little btch had it coming to her. You would think everyone had a clue when she had already been keyed once before. Sometimes justice does not come fast enough.

Oh who am I kidding? Justice NEVER comes fast enough!

Good lesson Johnb, good lesson. Thank you very much. It may be expensive to lose temper, many people is mean and miserable, and we have (in broad terms) only a short fuse because of what we are doing as caretakers, our main function.
Thank you again

I'm a 59 year old man who is primary care giver for my 85 year old mother.Three sisters in the neighbourhood that offer no help.Mother is disabled with arthritis and has major hearing loss.Last week I was out on errands and had a run in with one of those terrible drivers.The young woman in her late twentys blew through a stop sign .I had the through street and was turning right.She came at me on the left so I went for the curb with my truck while blowing the horn.She gave me the middle finger,cut me off and stopped at the next light.The light turned green she sat there so I blew my horn,we went through the light and she slammed her brakes on and stared in her mirror.I stopped and the traffic backed up into the intersection,then after 30 seconds she drove on for 100 yrd. and did it again.She pulled into a parking lott a mile further,I followed and she stopped blocking the exit.Unfortunately I got out and walked up to her car,she was on the phone,I kicked the rocker panel scratching the paint.I turned around and the police were waiting.They threatened to take me to jail.She had already called the police and they coached her how to set it up.I'm charged with mischief for kicking her car and assault because she felt threatened.Now I'm paying $1900 for a complete paint job,have to write an apology and 10 weeks of anger management.I have no criminal past and a clean driving record.Now my lawyer wanted to put it through her insurance and me pay the deductable but she refused because last year someone keyed her whole car and she had to claim it.Oh I also pay for a car rental for her which she will no doubt keep for the weekend so she can take a free trip on me.Watch your anger folks,it could happen to you.

my sister refuses to face me or even speak to me as she says she cannot help. But she wil have her hand out for any monies there might be at the end. Taking care of Mom is making me sick. I am not well. I am in dire need of a support gruop and cannot find one in the lake worth area.

i get kinda sprung when every household problem or mishap is up to me to resolve but every solution i come up with is vehemently denounced by my mother. its like someone is putting you in a straight jacket then demanding results from you.
i think the anger comes from the fact that the parent has always been self centered and difficult but now the depression and dementia amplifies the character traits. the parent child relationship is the longest running one of your life and you can get pretty tired of the parents yap. i totally understand why my dad died 13 years ago...cause he WANTED to. lol..

LindafromVT, I hear your frustration. As an only child, you shoulder the burden. With hope, your husband is supportive. I'm sure he wants to enjoy retirement too so are there friends, church groups, or even volunteers from Girl Scout clubs that could come in and help with your mom even a little or at least visit with her? Since she's able to do some things but for whatever reason is resisting, she might be open to Girl Scouts earning badges (perhaps). It's hard when they are at the stage in which they are not doing what is needed (showering readily comes to mind) but you can't push them.

A little story:
My father has declined enough to be more compliant when it comes to showering (it's warm!) but several years ago he was not. In fact, we once had a "stand off." We were to go to a play that a relative was in and he really needed to get cleaned up. I'd given up on the shower but insisted on another shirt. He continually refused and I'd run out of tactics, so I just told him that he had to change his shirt or we weren't going. He just stood there, so I said I mean it and by the way, "I can be every bit as stubborn as you are." His reply? "Yea, but I've had more practice!"

Would you believe we both laughed and he did change shirts (because he decided to).

Good luck!

Sonnybee, a couple of years ago (my husband had had dementia 7-8 years at that point) I was working full time, mostly from home. I liked my coworkers and enjoyed seeing them when I went into the office. We were very productive over the phone. On coworker I particularly liked had an annoying habit of taking forever to get to the point. But I took that in stride -- we all have our quirks. One week I snapped at him on the phone over how long the conversation was going on. A few days later I cried on the phone with my boss. Oh-oh, I think I was losing it. I was still pretty patient with my husband but I sure had a short fuse with everyone else. I made some appointments. I was diagnosed with depression (no surprise) and at another clinic with sleep apnea. Not only was I getting too little sleep, it was of poor quality. With those two things being treated I returned to my pleasant, tolerant, mostly coping-well self.

Sonnybee, if you have just hit a rough spot it may be enough to get some exercise every day and to carve out some "me" time. If this seems more persistent and deeply rooted, if you sometimes feel like an imposter has taken over your personality and it isn't someone you particularly like, I suggest a thorough check up, with special attention to any health problems you have been having. People are always telling us to take care of ourselves. Well, we do need to do that, and this is a good time for you to pay attention to your needs.

Yell here. That is the main purpose of this site. Yell all that you can. Tell us what you are doing and feeling. We are hewre for that.
For about ten years I saw the process of dementia in my mother-in-law, still that did not prepare myself for my actual condition of only caregiver of my wife, in Alz D moderate, but clear. I feel angry, with everything, for everything. And force to be silent. We are with you, yell You are doing fine... we are doing our best effort to be , just to be...

Sonnybee = I get mad at my brother who does not come down or call that often as I think he should (he lives 50 miles away). I think we are all there in one way or another. There is not much I can add to what everybody has said but we are all there with you. My mom is in several Bridge groups and she has not wanted to go lately. She says it is her eyes or she is sore all over. For a month she was not able to get in my car either. We got her a therapist and she was able to get in the car again. And I do her exercises with her every day. Now she does not want to play. Yes, I am a little angry mainly because it is the only time I can be alone in the house. Well, I tell myself how selfish that is but then I need my time. I am her primary caregiver and do not work. She needs me 24/7. I guess I resent the fact that she does not feel well enough to go so I can have my time. It is so hard some days. We all want our loved ones to be the way they used to be - Full of life, going places with them, talking to them about things other than their medications and doctor appts. I miss the mom that used to be but I know I should be trying to enjoy what I have. God bless and take care

Have just joined a caregivers group session ,once a week and found a way to
vent my anger . it is a way of letting of steam.Every one has a different issue
however, the common denominator is care giving. No one sees light at the end of
the tunnel. But when you hear other peoples sad stories I dont feel so bad
and when The time comes that I can not handle it I have made arrangement
to have my wive placed in a palliative care centre

I to get no thanks from any one,not that I am looking for that, but it would be nice
from a family member who by the way are not as involved with their mother
as I am

So you see every one gets through the day somehow
Make time to get out of the house for a couple of hours
even for a cup of joe at the mall.

If possible, leave mom or dad alone for this time depending on the severity
of course. I do and it help a lot and you will be a different frame of mind

Take care

Dear Sonnybee, simply take some time for yourself. You are feeling this way because you feel helpless and like you can't do anything to help her. You also are afraid of the obevious, just let go and let God have his way. Love your Mom as hard as you can, cherish each and every moment that you have left with her, Tell her you love her each and everyday. She will get stength from your love for her. You must begin to release her and let her go. I am sure she is tired and she is xjust waiting for you to be ok with what is happening to her. You will nevre get this time back again, so cherish each moment you have with her. And give yourself a chance to BREATH. Tell everyone around you that you are sorry for acvting this way, but that you are just going through a difficult time. People that really care, or that have been through this will understand, the rest of them, well they will have there time. Take care, and I will be praying for you and your strengh.

I don't think I can add too much more here, but I want to share that my Mother passed away in October, and I was her primary caregiver. I was so stressed and angry during some of that time, and now I sometimes feel some shame that I couldn't keep that in check better than I did. I look at her empty room here, and wish I could lay with her in bed, and rub lotion on her at the end of the day... (her favorite thing) just one more time.....but guess what? I truly did the best I could with my emotions while she was here, and after I've been to therapy, have learned that beating myself up will not do any good at all. Although I didn't do as well as I would have liked, I know my Mother knew I loved and cared for her. I'm sure you are being too hard on yourself. We are our harshest critics. Hope things improve for you, and I will say a prayer for you tonight.

Ask yourself a couple of questions:
1. What good will anger do?
2. Is anger likely to hurt me or someone else, or a valued relationship?
3. To whom shall direct my anger-- God perhaps?

Sooozi, many years ago, truly a different lifetime, I was married to a not very nice man. One day I called my mother (a social worker) crying because he had called me very mean names and told me nobody would ever love me. My mother's words have stuck in my head for over thirty years now. She said, "For every person on your left who thinks you are a @#$%, there is someone on your right who thinks you are wonderful. You are in the middle and it is your choice which one you choose to believe." Meditate on that for awhile because that concept can change your life. You have absolutely no control over what anyone else thinks,says or does, but you do have control over your own emotions. No one can make you feel anything that you are not willing to feel. And I just love what Wayne Dyer has to say. He says that someone's ability to judge you says NOTHING about you, it simply defines the other person as someone who needs to judge. And, your opinion of me is none of my business. Why should it be? Your opinion can change at the drop of a hat and I have no control over that whatsoever, so if you are going to base your self-esteem on what others think, you are in serious trouble. Remember that misery loves company. Joe Vitale in The Missing Secret says tells a story about a dr. who cured a ward full of mentally ill criminals and never talked to any of them. He would walk the halls and look at them and then go back to his office and use this cleaning technique. I have found it to be very helpful and I use it as a meditation mantra. I'm sorry, Please forgive me, thank you and I love you. Whenever I feel negative emotions coming from anyone, I start chanting those four phrases in my head and I immediately feel better. I had posted a link to a website for a free EFT manual but I guess that isn't allowed but if you Google free EFT manual you will probably find it. Sooozi, it works great for what ails you.

I think all these suggestions are terrific.

I am the recipient of my sister's anger and while I know intellectually it is something she is struggling with, I have to tell you it hurts me tremendously. I know we are all trying to deal with the difficult emotions. I recently lost my mom after being the primary caregiver... please, think of the people around us and be kind if you can.

My sister and her husband snapped at me repeatedly this weekend and I am a puddle of hurt and sadness now for days and days after their harsh, mean words. I did nothing I can think of to deserve her anger... and no matter what I tell myself, no matter how much yoga I do... I am hurting from her anger.

Thank you so much for seeking help here. The pain that can be caused to others can be deep and we may not know how much we hurt the people we lash out to around us.

Thank you for listening to the possible consequences of not resolving our anger... I am wishing for kindness and peace for all of us, those who are angry and those who may be the recipients of our anger.

My sister and I were talking about this because she was getting very testy around Mom. We talked about the fact that we were angry because we were frustated. Mom is slowing down and she gets confused, angry, and very impatient with us. We, on the other hand, withhold our anger and try to be patient with her. After all, she's our Mom and we love her. Part of our anger is that she used to be so self-sufficient and we see her flagging and we know that it won't get better. We constantly tell ourselves to be patient, let certain things go. It is a struggle. I empathize.

Physical Exercise is definitely an answer; it sure is for me.

First of all I always have a daypack packed and ready to go at a moment's notice. It has a jacket, change of clothing, a backpacker's towel, sunblock, lipgloss w/sunblock, hat, 1st Aid Kit, bug spray, trail food, water, bandanna, and other stuff from the usual 10+ Essentials. I was a Girl Scout, and a G.S. Leader for 10 years. I was in Cub and Boy Scouting for 20 years.

When I am very angry I get on a trail and hike hard and fast until I am hot, sweaty and exhausted and when I am far enough away, I SCREAM at the top of my lungs! I SCREAM AND SCREAM AND SCREAM AND SCREAM! Then I might cry a little. If I have chosen a hike with a stream, afterwards I cool off there and just lay out with a cold wet bandanna on my eyes and relax a while. Then it's a slow leisurely walk back to the truck.

My anger may be different from your anger, but it's all anger and it all needs desperately to be expressed! You cannot hold something as volatile as anger inside of yourself and not expect explosive results at some point.

I admit being mad at God that N. abused me, what kind mother treats her little girl like that? What kind of God lets a woman like that have any children? What makes her think she has any rights to be any part of my life now? So I hike and scream when it all becomes too much to hold anymore.


p.s. I did find an answer for why God let it happen, but every once in a while, it still gets to me.

MrsDrLaMar, I agree! EFT (as well as guided meditation) really keeps my sanity and my cool when caregiving. I do it at a regular basis! Sonnybee, this can be something to keep your emotions at bay!

Dear Grace1234. I know that taking it one day at a time seems impossible but if you realize that ALL we ever have IS THIS MOMENT it will help you put things in perspective. Everything that happens, happens NOW. Pay attention to the monkey mind chatter and when it starts, begin thinking of all the things you are grateful for. Gratitude changes everything. Think of all the good things you and your parent did together, or other ways in which you were blessed in your life. Our thoughts create our reality so create the reality you want and not the one you are afraid of. JOB said, "the very thing I feared the most has come upon me." When I was caring for my Mother-in-law, I would picture her running into my F-in-laws arms with a young pain free healthy body, happy to be reunited with him. There is an excellent website that has changed my perspective about dying and living, for that matter. Google anitamoorjani. Her story is quite incredible and soooo inspirational. She was taken to the ER in a coma after 4 years of fighting cancer. There was nothing left of her body but skin and bones and all her organs had shut down. The doctors told her family she wouldn't make it through the night. Well, guess what? She did and I am not at all afraid of dying after listening to her story. We all feel like we don't have the right to get angry or upset and we try to stuff those feelings down but they need to be acknowledged, without guilt. Remember, all parents lose patience with their children from time to time. We don't have to be perfect and it is okay to say no to an overly demanding parent the same way our parents said no to overly demanding children. To those of you who say that your parent won't let you bring someone in, my question is, exactly what would happen if you did anyway? My father is a mental health practitioner and we found a social work student to come in for three hours a week or so. We told him she needed a mentor and he was thrilled to help her. He doesn't know that we are paying her, so what? EFT or Emotional Freedom therapy is another valuable resource. It is a quick and easy way to rid yourself of negative thoughts, emotions, fears, stress, pain,grief, etc.

WOE! I would like to thank each of you who have submitted your comments. I have been a Care Giver for my mother the past 3 years. I hate seeing her grow older. I hate seeing her going through the different stages of dementia. The 1st and 3rd Wednesday of each month I take her to do her personal errands. I feel there are times that she could have taken care of a particular situation by herself. I try to be calm and patient with her and with myself but at time I tend to get upset with her. This is the time I feel miserable with myself. I start praying to God to please help both of us. My mother takes matters into her own hands and phones me to tell me that she has taken care of the problem. God listens to my prayers. I tell my mother that I am very proud of her in all that she does. There are many times that I cry myself to sleep at nights. I hate the thought of my mother never being on this earth any longer. What I tell myself is that I should be very happy for her when she passes. She will no longer suffer and no longer have any more tears. Again I appreciate what each of you have submitted as your comment.
I pray for each of you who are going through the different seasons and stages with your parent(s). May God bless each and every one of you.

Let me tell you that you're not alone in this issue. I too have my moments. A few times, I had to go outside and scream because my elder is so demanding. And high-functioning autism (which I have myself) makes caregiving more a bear. It's my body's way of saying that not only do I need time for myself, but I really need some respite care.

Maybe your body is yearning for an extended break. On a budget and can't afford a home health care team to stay over for a few days? Contact a relative (or at least two) and ask them to stay for a few days. Then take a staycation - at a hotel within your area (you're going away from home for a few days), a local campsite, or (even cheaper) a friends house. Take time to see all the attractions, do some camping activities, and whatever activities that are relaxing and fun. You'll be amazed at how revitalized you are.

And please, please join a caregiver support group! This is your place to redirect your frustrations out to people who will listen to you. They can work things out for you and maintain your sanity levels. (I have yet to find an interpersonal one.)

Perhaps I've read this wrong but I got the feeling your short tempered with co workers not your Mother. I get frustrated when others try to tell me to just take one day at a time, she's better off at the assisted living, you did the best thing, bla bla bla. Well it's not working. I envy people who have a parent that just dies in their sleep, has a heart attack or any method that takes them quickly. This watching a parent die a slow death with cancer (Dad 2005) or like now with Mom being robed of her mind and body breaking down. (she refuses to walk) is my slow death. There's nothing I can do but stay on call 24/7 I hate talking about it cause it's all negative. Mom is waiting for her parents (grandfather 1967- grandmother 1987) to come get her and take her home she has packed and re packed so many times I think I'll ask her to pack me for my next trip..... she's that good at it now. I can't make someone who hasn't gone through this understand so I just shut up and listen and try to control my temper. I'm a fixer and I can't fix this and telling me to just take it one day at a time tears me up I'd love one day at a time but this changes hour to hour minute to minute. I think we just have to rise to the situation and let it roll off our back and continue to pull support from here. I've never consulted with a mental health professional but I'm thinking it's time cause after she's gone I've got to find a new normal and get on with my life. In a nut shell I stay on edge and snap at family when things get to hectic or noisy or I can't quiet my brain, sleeping is darn near a waste of time cause of the worry. There is a lot of truth to we need to take better care of ourself and put the mask on our face first before helping the other person. My thought and prayers are with you and I wish you the same happiness and peace that I wish for myself!

help with her either financially or emotionaly. One of my brothers is always telling me that he's "living his dream". So that on top of Mom's decline makes me feel furious and used. I also would like to spend retirement with my husband doing the things we like to do. I just want this to be over.l