What's a good way of dealing with some of my anger as my mom gets weaker and weaker?


I find myself getting angry at other people at work, sometimes without good reason. I know its because I feel helpless about what is happening to my mom. Trying to figure out what to do with the overwhelming emotions that build up inside me.

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If I were a betting person, I would be safe to say that you are a wonderul caregiver to your mom. You have been doing all the right things, but she can't tell you. You make sure that mom is safe and secure and that you take better care of you than yourself. The one thing that happens when you are a caregiver is that no one compliments you on doing all of the hard work, or provides any kind of positive reinforcement. So listen carefully to what I am saying: You have been so very good to help out with mom. I know that you are there for her every need. You are the best and I want to thank you personally for being the best child of all. The love your give daily to your mom will never go away--if mom could tell you how much your care means to her I am sure that she would. Don't be angry at her just be thankful that you are the best ever and showed her love in every way. Thanks for all you have done and are doing to care for your mother. You are the best ever!!!! Thanks.
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As my mother's caregiver, I get angry, too. I feel guilty and angry at myself for not being more understanding. What helps me is imagining myself in my mother's place. I ask, "How would I want my daughter to treat me?" It's frightening to think of own my daughter or a caregiver yelling at or resenting me. Later I find myself being more humble and tolerant of my mother. I've also imagined myself at my mother's funeral. What would be on my conscience that day? Despite all the hardships of care giving, I KNOW I would miss her not seeing her face again. I KNOW I'd wish for a chance to do things better. Then I realize that this is the only chance I'll get. Yes, I still get angry, but those images help me to get through one more day of trying my best.
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I don't think I can add too much more here, but I want to share that my Mother passed away in October, and I was her primary caregiver. I was so stressed and angry during some of that time, and now I sometimes feel some shame that I couldn't keep that in check better than I did. I look at her empty room here, and wish I could lay with her in bed, and rub lotion on her at the end of the day... (her favorite thing) just one more time.....but guess what? I truly did the best I could with my emotions while she was here, and after I've been to therapy, have learned that beating myself up will not do any good at all. Although I didn't do as well as I would have liked, I know my Mother knew I loved and cared for her. I'm sure you are being too hard on yourself. We are our harshest critics. Hope things improve for you, and I will say a prayer for you tonight.
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I feel like I could have written this today...my mom is getting weaker and weaker as well and it breaks my heart to see her declining even more. I don't know how to deal with it myself...so I can't help you either...but it does help to know that we are not alone in our feelings....I blew up at the manager at the grocery store the other day because the music was so loud I couldn't stand it...
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All of the above comments sound like where I am right now. Anger at the person you are caring for is "normal". It happens to all of us. Resentment goes right along with it. It's a period you have to go through and finally reach the "being able to detach" point. It's very hard. Don't feel guilty; it's a normal reaction to your situation. The most important thing that you need to do is carve out some time for yourself in whatever way you can. Physical activity, like cycling (maybe on an indoor trainer if you can't leave the house), or Pilates, will help relieve a lot of the tension and keep you healthier. I can't stress enough the importance of physical activity; it is a form of anger release. It gets the stress out of your body. If possible, get a neighbor, friend, someone who can come in and watch your charge for an hour or so, and get out of that environment and get some aggressive exercise. Meditation (or prayer or whatever you call it) also helps.
I also resent it that my mother won't do exercises that would keep her in much better shape, but she won't then she complains that she's weak. Well, yeah. And, when they have these attitudes in which they just won't help themselves, it's time to allow yourself to just accept that fact, and detach. Do what is necessary to do, but during those times that you have been trying to get your charge to exercise, eat right, etc, and they won't, allow yourself to use that time to take care of yourself. Give yourself break. If elders with dementia could express themselves, they would tell you that. My mother has dementia, but she is still aware enough--in the middle of that brain fog--to realize when I'm at the breaking point, and she backs off on many demands she usually makes. Take advantage of that time for yourself. You mother does not want you to kill yourself to take care of her, especially since she knows she's on the way out which is why she has quit trying in many areas. When they decide to quit, you have to let them. It's really selfish to demand that they try to stay longer. JMHO.
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I have found in the past years of being a caregiver, that at those times I would step away from the situation an Pray .. take a deep breath and take some time for yourself if its at all possible. Talk to someone who knows what you are going through.. as caregivers we do have support groups ;) Lord knows we need them.
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I felt the same way when I was working. I constantly felt on edge and any little thing would push me over that edge. I'm seeing a therapist now and she recommends that I try to designate "me time" weekly. Schedule fun or relaxing activities that help to ease the stressful 9.5 or 10 most of us caregivers operate on.

Do you take time for yourself at all?
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Just keep reminding yourself that you are doing the best you can do for your mother. Do not feel guilty about what you are not able to do but good about what you can do! We are all here for you and will keep you in our thoughts. I agree with Hopeless that you should do something for yourself each day even if it is just to sit still and breathe!!!
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Yep, you're in good company. I'm retired and resent my mother at times because she refuses to take advantage of all the programs for the elderly, she only wants me to take care of her. She allowed one person to come in 4 hours a week to do housecleaning, but I do all the rest, her laundry, her bills, her garbage and I'm the sole one to take her to all her appointments. Now she has some early dementia going on and her physical weakness is getting worse. What happened to my easy life of retirement with my husband? I'm an only child and she has no one else and won't even hear about assisted living which she so desperately needs

I've been working with the agency on aging, but they are of little help. They can't force mom to do anything she doesn't want to do, so I'm stuck. All they tell me is to take care of myself, blah,blah, blah. Yeah, so who is supposed to take care of mom while I take care of myself? Don't they get it? If mom were off my hands for a while, I'd be fine, but she won't let anyone in but me and I can't take it anymore. I want to enjoy my life with my husband before I get to be her age and need help, but that seems highly unlikely.

Please know you are not alone and there is comfort in knowing that. Take care.
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I think all these suggestions are terrific.

I am the recipient of my sister's anger and while I know intellectually it is something she is struggling with, I have to tell you it hurts me tremendously. I know we are all trying to deal with the difficult emotions. I recently lost my mom after being the primary caregiver... please, think of the people around us and be kind if you can.

My sister and her husband snapped at me repeatedly this weekend and I am a puddle of hurt and sadness now for days and days after their harsh, mean words. I did nothing I can think of to deserve her anger... and no matter what I tell myself, no matter how much yoga I do... I am hurting from her anger.

Thank you so much for seeking help here. The pain that can be caused to others can be deep and we may not know how much we hurt the people we lash out to around us.

Thank you for listening to the possible consequences of not resolving our anger... I am wishing for kindness and peace for all of us, those who are angry and those who may be the recipients of our anger.
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