Has the role of caregiver affected your view of your own aging?

Getting too old is worse than dying too young!!!! Our society really needs to re-evaluate death, dying, and extended care traditions. I would much rather spend a million dollars educating a thousand children than extending the "life" of a dementia patient by a couple of years -- even If the dementia patient is me ---especially if the dementia patient is me!!!

I too think 80 is about the limit and fear dementia more than anything. We have three (82,87 and 88) parents between us and it is not pretty. My dear mother now 82 and in a NH told me thirty years ago that if something ever happened to her to just find a nice home and let them do their work, not to disrupt or destroy my life. Well, she had a stroke a bad one and the docs despite a DNR brought her back so she has had 3 years of hell on earth. I want no part of a life like that and do the best I can to eat well and stay active, but honestly taking care of the FIL and then sometimes my dad has not made for a happy life for me. I have pared down the stuff after moving 28,000 pounds of my parents stuff to another state and now having to tackle the FIL's over stuffed condo. My affairs are in order and hopefully I will do the swan song with more grace than my elders. I hope to move in the next few years to a rural location with a smaller home and lots of gardening space if I'm lucky I will die in the garden where I am most a peace. I truly hope that by the time I am 80 we will have figured out how to keep the mind as alive as we have the ability to keep the body or that society has acknowleged that allowing people the choice to die is in fact a right if they so choose.

To be honest, I don't want to live past 80. More than that would be just ... wrong. I am, however, thinking about retiring somewhere in South America where the American dollar might go far. Tend to a garden, suck up the clean air, feel my true place in the Universe.

Agreed. I think that often that, these days, the decisions of the medical profession prolong the process of dying as opposed to prolonging any meaningful life. It is not always the case, but too often IMO. They have a mandate to maintain life no matter what. Get your living wills in order!

Hooray Sgulbin ...I'm glad you gave such a forthright response. So many of us are afraid to say what we're thinking. Sometimes I think we go to far in our desire to just exist on this earth and modern medicine and doctors seem to think it is their job to extend life as long as possible. The quality of the life seems less important oftentimes than just keeping someone breathing.

I guess I've seen far too many people who are truly suffering and unable to enjoy even the smallest things.

In my experience many people are living way too long because of advances in medicine. Don't get me wrong----There are countless elderly people who are enjoying a good quality of life and are living longer because of the great medical treatments we have today. Unfortunately there are many other people who are alive and miserable, suffering and causing extreme stress and upheaval in their families because of pills that are keeping them going long after their time. It's nice to live long if you can remain relatively active, independent and somewhat content but many seniors are living in misery when they would have passed naturally years ago. My dad had blockages in his heart 10 years ago. He had a massive heart attack in the hospital during a procedure and underwent an emergency double bypass. His heart had actually stopped and he was brought back. He did recover and enjoyed a few years of relative health. Now he is 82 and has been in poor health mentally and physically for years. He was an enormous burden to my mother who has been dead for a year and a half now. I know she prayed for her own death to release her from her daily hell of dealing with him. I am alone and caring for this poor man who is angry, miserable, has trouble walking, falls down and cannot care for himself any longer. Although I am happy he lived through his heart attack and got to meet his grandson.....most of his life since then has been bad and I wonder if it would have been more merciful for him and for us if he had passed back then.

The other thing I want to address is that when you reach an age where you are getting old but still capable and independent you should move into reasonable housing that is appropriate for the elderly. My mom and dad both refused to leave their giant dilapidated house which has poor plumbing and electricity. My dad refuses air conditioning and refuses to have repairs made to the house. He has fallen on the stairs many times and had no interest in improving his situation although he has the finances to pay for things and us to help him. It is sad and pathetic. I will make sure to follow this advice so I am not such an extreme burden and cause of constant stress and worry to my son. If you actually love your children this is a very important thing to consider before you start losing your mental faculties. It's too late for my dad and for me.

Maybe I'll be shot by a jealous wife while trying to crawl out a window...

Probably a sign that I am already Demented.

lovbob

Emjo - Your mother volunteered in Haiti! Wow! That was a surprise! Of course, a religious or philanthropic person can still be crazy, and lots of us treat strangers better than we do our own flesh and blood. She sounds like a pistol.

80??? Please do not give up! I am nearly there. My life has taken a new turn in the last few years with a sig other who is younger and very active. I am travelling again and looking forward to more. We just came back from 9 days in the Yukon and will go east in a week or so. This coming week I have to travel to see to some of mothers business. I tented a few years ago for the first time in years, and will do it again. I mowed the lawn the other day for the first time in years and didn't suffer, to my surprise - but you don't know if you don't try it. I want to get back on a horse.(Sig other has horses). Yes, I have a few health issues - nothing life threatening - and am recovering from a couple of them, have very little arthritis and an interest in new things. I eat pretty carefully, and walk as I can though limited by the severe cold here in the winter, but do all my own housework in a 6 bedroom three story bedroom house and love cooking and clothes. The house is not as spotless as it once was, but is acceptable. When it becomes unacceptable, I will hire help. I worked full time teaching till I was 73 to maximize my pension as we are a long lived family and I wanted to have the necessary financial resources. I only quit then as my 98 yr. old mother needed more attention. I am working on downsizing, but sig other is a major packrat which doesn't help; however, I am slowly carving away at it. Mother, is 101 now and unfortunately her BPD and paranoia are getting the best of her. She is still pretty good physically - no major problems, and pretty bright, She volunteered in Haiti 6 months of the year till she was into her 80s. I know we are not a typical family, but attitude and lifestyle have something to do with it as well as genes. Mother never assumed something couldn't get better just because she was older. I do the same. I will not burden my kids with my care, if that day comes. Sig other and I will build a senior friendly house in a few years, and from there plan to go into a facility. For now, I am happy to have stairs to climb and floors to mop as it is exercise. Don't get me wrong - I have aged, and feel it sometimes, but work around it as much as possible and never assume I cannot improve. I am still saving, and building financial resources for the future, though also spend on travelling etc. but from what I have seen I should be able to afford a decent ALF - and that if I was on my own. Together we will be fine. I worked, raised 4 kids, helped them as young adults as well, looked after mother's BPD crises for years, and now it is getting to be time for me. Anyone want to go on a cruise?

Persimon--you speak my sentiments fully. The medical community is far outpacing our financial, physical and mental abilities to live to a ripe old age. We all want to live into old age but with all our mental, physical capacities and the ability to care for ourselves. The reality as you see on this site is far from it.

I don not want my children to go thru any of what I'm dealing with with my mom and she's 90 and in relatively good health but no longer able to care for herself. I do not believe with the escalating health costs and care costs that we will easily be able to care for ourselves and live independently.

My hope is that facilities continue to improve in the "range of care" offerings, and that as we age, we aren't so stubborn that we insist "on staying in our own home until the end", or think that only our children can take care of us.

We are in our 50s and we have several close couples where we are already considering making a pact to live in a communal setting with individual personal spaces for each couple and then we can take care of and support each other thru the aging process while hiring outside assistance as needed. That way our children won't have the entire burden for caregiving and our happiness. Big decisions we can discuss among ourselves and also be able to support and counsel each others adult children thru parents wishes.

there is an alternative to hoarding, i dont remember what its called nor do i care. its mr stick everything in the trash if it isnt steel or welding rods. ive thrown out some nice stuff cause i can live without it. the internet im pretty addicted too tho, i can order cheaper welding rods on here. and i can threaten bodily non harm to unsuspecting creatures like alisonbobalison. im pretty rotten, factually.

What a great question! Yes, I see where my mother in law is at her stage of life---90 years old and can't help herself any longer. Never took care of herself and never never did anything to enhance her financial well being---her late husband had gambling issues and both of them apparently were in a stage of complete denial with saving money or accumulating any assets . No insurance when he died twelve years ago.
I have always been an exercise nut and even after the ravages of breast cancer hit me twice, I am in very good health now. I go to the gym five days a week , watch my weight ( a constant battle now at my age) don't smoke and eat little red meat. I take no medications at all except for occasional advil for headache. I am blessed that I have no arthritis either. I do worry for my kids and have informed them , especially the older one , a son, what needs to be done should I become an invalid or wind up with dementia or Alzheimer's. I don't want the kids to be burdened with financial worries and told them to sell all the stuff and home, which will provide a good deal to get me into a home or care center. I also have life insurance that will take care of any expenses after my demise.
I don't advocate assisted suicide either but the reality is that there are so many alive that have no quality of life and just exist in a limbo of neither life or death. I hope I am not one of them.

oh i know my brain is gone. im moving back to my house someday where ill have one fork, one damn spoon, and two trikes sitting in the living room. probably hang onto my old homemade stone ashtray im mr downsize on steroids.

I think everyone reading this must live in fear of dementia. I just hope I'll have enough awareness not to be a burden to my 2 sons when the time comes. I sometimes feel that I have another child in my Alzheimer's mother (my boys are in their 20's). I can't believe I am making all of the decisions for my once independent mom. She is still with us physically, in a nursing home, but I miss her so much.

I pretty agree with everyone else. My parents did no planning, no wills, no POA and as much as we "try" to talk to Mother about this; at almost 90 she is in complete denial about her health and future. We went through all that probate garbage when Dad died. It absolutely blows my mind and makes me madder than all get out that she is so thoughtless.

We have all our ducks in a row and had those frank discussions with kiddos about what we want done. I only hope to live one day longer than my husband. Can't imagine my life without him!

Now to really downsize and get rid of all the stuff we no longer need. I don't want my kids to have to go thru it and feel I dropped the ball on them.

Taking care of Mother was the wake up call we needed!

So many good thoughts....

psimmon, like your Mom, I am blessed to have a very sweet lady in my presence. My Mom has been living with me for forty years; 35 of those years has been during my marriage. My husband is an amazing man who is so compassionate, willing and full of love that I can only wonder why I have been so blessed. Mom has been on the steeper side of the downhill slide now for about 8 years. She has lived with us and this has been her home. She doesn't want to leave. She has been ambulatory but on a walker for the past 5 years. This last 6 months has been the steepest and quickest slide of all. My sister is totally disabled and lives over 2 hours away, but her life is such chaos that it is a blessing. She needs more care than Mom but is in denial (she's 69); my brother, lives over a thousand miles away and is in poor health as well and his finances are pretty tight.

I could be wrong, but I think the guilt of being tired, wanting a life before you die, being resentful of lost opportunities is somehow worse when you have a parent who has been so good. She was responsible for so many good things in my life, a deep and abiding faith, knowing how to forgive, loving the unlovable, and on and on ...she is the one who taught me how to be steadfast and persevere. So many have not had such a wonderful mother.

In spite of all of the above, this has been hard. You are grieving the loss of a loved long before they are gone; you have such an awareness of your own frailties and loss of capability. And like dragonflower, when you can no longer do what has been a routine, you can be filled with fear.

The only way to combat it is to prepare, know that when you are 80, you most like won't want to cook big meals, there are tools that you will never use again because you won't want to paint and wallpaper anymore. How many clothes can an 80 year old wear during the week; who is going to wash them all. That king size bed is impossible to change. Who is going to vacuum and mop 2500 plus square feet of floors, clean and dust closets, etc.

I now have so few clothes you would think I was homeless. Almost every drawer in my house is empty, I have every piece of paper scanned and backed up, all originals of birth certificates, deeds, etc. are stored in a fire proof box along with back-up drives (just pack and go if I can lift it). If my husband should go before me, I will sell everything I have, pack 2 bags and move to a facility that is appropriate to my needs at that time. I won't hesitate a minute to get rid of my stuff.

Now I'm rambling, but this is how I've been occupying my time as I care for Mom, making sure that I don't leave much behind myself that can't be carried out in a couple of boxes to the dump.

I feel 80 would be my limit if I'm healthy mentally and physically, after that Lord please take me home.

I am right there with you, dragonflower.
Have heard it said in this forum, that the last thing our parents teach us, is how to (or how NOT to) die. True-er words were never spoken!
I am working fast and furiously to get my physical health in order. I, too, have encountered those little surprises of which you speak! It is very much a wake-up call.

Yes. Long term care insurance is a must. Given the chance, I will not leave a house full of my "stuff" to be gotten rid of. And make my plans for senior living and do that. Do not make my kids "put me somewhere." Pre-planning a funeral might be in there, although if the $$$ is available, that is not too hard for a family to plan.

Ellantz - I bugged my parents for years to prepare for their own elderly years - and they also were in denial. They were fairly well-prepared financially, but ignored my pleas to downsize, move to an easier-to-manage place, etc.. Consequently, when mom dropped dead and dad had dementia, it fell on me to sell the house, dispose of their possessions, make funeral arrangements, etc. Living to a ripe old age is NOT necessarily a good thing. What is so great about watching your own body fall apart and being unable to do many things?

I am 60 years old and it really seems like this was the "milestone" of reckoning. It is since I hit that milestone that I am suddenly aware that my body can no longer do what it used to do with ease. During the winter I decided to take a bath....and discovered that I was unable to get myself out of the bathtub at 60. I had to get on all fours inside the tube, then flip one leg over the edge of the tub and sort of "roll out" of the bathtub onto the floor. This was a new and unexpected development!

Prsimon, beautifully written and all excellent points. I share all of your personal concerns, and I foresee the already bloated system totally overwhelmed as us baby boomers age into this final phase of life. Dementia scares me, too, as I have no family or children to turn to. I hope my body gives out before my mind, so that I'm not warehoused in a facility for many years.

I was heavily responsible for the last 8 years of Moms life and completely her 24/7 caretaker for the final 3 years. My husband and I realized that she would likely outlive her funds and remaining in her beautiful independent living community was getting too costly. We built her a house on our property (we also have 20 acres) and became completely in charge of her daily company, care and management including her financial issues.

Initially it was wonderful yet became overwhelming with time, and emotionally draining the final few months. I had a supportive husband who never complained about his "absentee" wife; I had an exceptionally good relationship with Mom and she remained sweet to the end. I am grateful I had the capability to do this for her, yet the experience has profoundly concerned me and I think, frightened my daughters. They have neither the tempermanent nor caretaking knowledge I have; neither has had children so do not understand what it means to truly subordinate your life for someone else that you love dearly; only one is married and they were overwhelmed by what I did. And, although I have LTC and the assets to allow them to hire the assistance I could not achieve for Mom, they do not own homes of their own in which to house me.

I no longer believe living into your 90's is desirable unless you are in ideal health and have full mobility and faculties. I believe I will outlive my husband after caring for him. I do worry that there will be no one to truly care for me to the end as I did for my Mother.

At the same time, the thought of going into a facility is deplorable to me. I would not have my mother live her final days in a 10x10 room and neither will I. I have often spoken with women friends and joked that we will have to buy a large home, live commune style and hire a caretaker for us who will live on the premises. This makes it afforadable and provides the companionship that often dwindles away. Towards that end I will have my insurance, my savings and the equity in my property once sold. They are my life preservers and I treasure them dearly. Actually it is not such a joke and I just learned that my eldest daugthter brought the same concept and concern to her sister regarding their old ages, and they are only in their late 30's!

I am 65 now and after my experience of caretaking, truly believe our society needs to re-evaluate this "sanctity of life at all costs" concept. There is nothing sacred about wasting away in a bed until you become a shell and your heart finally stops. It is cruel for all involved and if laws werent made by men with immense financial and medical resources to maintain their comfort that the average person does not have, I believe there would be a more humane perspective towards end of life needs and care.

I do all I can to eat well and live a healthy life and have also realized I need to throw away a lot of junk (esp. paperwork). And, I need to organize a notebook of some type with my financial and personal information in it or my children will have a hell of a time figuring it out. I was intimately involved in my parents business and financial world which made it much more manageable.

Otherwise, I do not know how to change the path that I am on and just pray not to have dementia.

Ellantz ...simplifying is very therapeutic for me. I've been trying to keep it simple for a long time (try to give something away at least once a month). I too would love to downsize when we are able. Right now have 1 horse (29 years old), 1 german shepherd dog (10 years old) , and 3 cats (17, 16 and 6 respectively) and we have 20 acres. Hubby and I lost our jobs during the downturn and were not able to replace them. Too specialized to be employable. Anyway, downsizing is my dream theme, just a table, bed and 2 recliners for us.

I'm 60, my hubby 65. I try to exercise at least every other day. Have a routine of yoga stretches and weights. On meds that make it impossible to work outside once the temps go above 80 but enjoy early spring, fall and winter outdoors as much as possible.

Dementia is probably my biggest worry too since I don't have anyone to tell me I have dementia, how will I know.

Sleep in, massage, get LAID, and then Heart attack. Good thinking Jinx!

Oh, absolutely, crispycritter - great points.
At 62, I've greatly simplified my life by de-cluttering my home and keeping it up, in sellable condition, being prepared to downsize, though I don't expect that to happen for another 10 years. Simplifying my life and surroundings and affairs hopefully will allow me to maintain my independence for a longer time, though I'm ever alert for new resources available to meet the demands of an aging baby-boomer population. I've already experienced arthritis, and loss of energy, and realize I cannot do all that I used to. This summer was the first year that I have not been able to physically do my own yard work, and it was scary. I do NOT want to be in denial, as my parents were.
I am mostly scared, though, of dementia, and not being able to mentally handle my affairs, so I'll seek out the counsel of an elder issues attorney.
Many things to think about!

Bonichak - The day after her funeral? Don't you even want to go to a spa first?

I agree about the massive heart attack. I would want to squeeze in a few fun things - or at least a few uninterrupted nights' sleep first.

BEFORE ANYONE ASKS!! I do not believe in suicide and do not advocate suicide. I am really talking more about decisions about how we age. The decisions we make when we're ill or disabled. Whether we will let nature take its course or not. Whether we're interested more in quantity as opposed to quality. Has caring for your family member prompted you to make a living will or advance directive?

Just wanted to clarify.

Oh yes. I watched my 50 something year old father, handsome, strong, athletic get sucker punched by Alz in the prime of his life. I endured hell on earth from a narcissistic, hateful mother who eventually disowned me and died all alone. God help me if I ever have to travel either path. I kinda like how the Indians, when they got old and sick, left the tribe for the wilderness. I live on several acres of densely wooded land. Sounds like a plan to me.

ABSOLUTELY!!!!
Once again, as has been the case all my life, my parents are teaching me by showing me what NOT to do!
At 93 and 95, they have lived long, self-imposed, miserable lives - denying themselves anything of joy...scrimping and saving, so that they might have the money to sustain their lives of misery, and reminding anyone who will listen. Both have dementia and physical problems.
Fortunately for my brother and me, though, they are both currently in separate facilities, and getting good care, but getting them there was HELL.
Yes, I have no illusions or desire to live to a "ripe" old age, and am currently thinking about ways to insure that doesn't happen.
Meanwhile, the lesson for me is to live each day to the fullest, because I may have 25+ years warehoused in a facility.
Excellent discussion question, crispycritter!

Too funny Bonichak!! Never had children and no nieces or nephews so I don't think I have to worry about asking God for mercy on any relatives. Christina, I love your answer, I too hope to being doing something I really enjoy when I leave, I just don't want to end up in diapers and having to be rolled from side to side so I don't get bedsores.

Absolutely. My girlfriend and I were talking about that. But, I hope that since I've had to do this for my mother, I can negotiate a deal with God. I hear He doesn't really like to do that, so I'm praying instead for mercy on my kids and a quick drop dead for me after a day of gardening and a night of singing in a jazz club. Ahh, Rat Pack, here I come:) I think we can create anything. xo