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We took in my mom and dad about 4 years ago, dad has since past and we are taking care of mom. We (my husband and I) can not have a personal conversation anymore. She jumps into everything we say to each other, have to repeat it all so she knows what we are talking about and always puts her two cents in even to the point of causing an arguement between us. How do you ask her to please stay out of our personal conversations? She follows us around, listens around the corner and goes everywhere with us. If I wanted her input, I would ask for it.

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"How do you ask her to please stay out of our personal conversations?"

hmmm ... in English? Or does she understand some other language better? Is she hard of hearing? Would in writing be better?

The way to tell someone what you would like/expect from them is to tell them. In some cases, more than one repetition may be necessary. Be consistent. Be polite but firm. And then enforce it. Once you have told her that it is important to you to be able to have private conversations with your husband, then the next time she jumps in DON'T repeat everything to bring her up to date. Say, "Mom, this is a private conversation. I'll be with you in a half hour or so." If she doesn't get it, ask her to please go into another room so you can finish this private conversation.

Please set some boundaries sooner rather than later. This is for your mom's sake as well as for yours. If you let this go on your resentment will inevitably build up, and resentful people do not make ideal caregivers.

It is great that you often take Mom out with you. But you also need some time away from her. Set that boundary, too.

You don't say how long ago your dad died. Mom may very well be missing him. Be sympathetic and kind, but do not let her loneliness become a burden for you.
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Momsonlyhope - here's a thought... "mom - if you don't start respecting our boundaries and your complaining, you WILL be put into a nursing home because I don't know how much more of this I can take...and I will NOT feel guilty about it!" Time to put your foot down... and mean it.
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She gets upset and goes to her bedroom and pouts. So? Why is that your problem? When she was raising you, did she go to ridiculous lengths so that you wouldn't pout? It is NOT your job to make sure your mother is happy 60 minutes out of every hour. She is responsible for her behavior, including pouting. Don't make it your problem.

She follows you to your room. What!!?? Your room is PRIVATE. It is your sanctuary. She should not enter your room without knocking and without an invitation to come in.

She wants you to wait on her all the time. Hey, I don't blame her! I love being waited on. When my stepdaughter would come to visit us for a week at a time while I cared for her father with dementia, she waited on both me and her father. I loved it! It was a nice treat for a week's respite, but it would be a very unhealthy pattern on an ongoing basis. Sure she wants you to wait on her. But that certainly doesn't mean you have to wait on her!

She wants to know who was on the phone? "Oh just someone for me." What did they want? "Oh, we took care of it on the phone." You do NOT need to allow her to invade your privacy.

Please don't promise her you'll never put her in a nursing home. You don't know what the future holds.

It sounds like you really need to establish some boundaries in your home, and consistently enforce them.

I know that you would like to wave a magic wand and have your mother change. That is not going to happen. You can't change her, but you can change your own behavior. Stop giving in to her pouting. Stop letting her invade your privacy. Make your bedroom off-limits to her. She is your mom, but you are not 11 any more.
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Hope,

I'm with Jeanne on this one. Set those boundaries and enforce them consistently. Above all, don't apologize. Otherwise she'll lay a guilt trip on you and go back to business as usual. Also, see what you can to to help her develop a social network so you can have more "me time."
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How would you ever have learned to set boundaries with a mother like that? Don't be hard on yourself. This is one of those dreaded "opportunities for growth." Pat yourself on the back every time you make a tiny step in the right direction.
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If you are doing the caregiving, then you have the RIGHT to talk to docs, otherwise, you CAN'T do the caregiving properly. If she won't let you talk to the docs, then, sorry mom, you need to find someone else to take care of you. Period. End of story. Walk away.
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You need some privacy. If she gets upset and pouts that's her problem. Put a lock on your door. Give her a bedtime. (Would a sleeping pill help? For Her not you.) You are responsible to take reasonable care of her. You are not responsible for her happiness or lack of it if you are not abusing her.
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maybe just say it like you just did.
" mom did your mother put her two cents in to every conversation you and dad had"?Or something to that effect, then just tell her - mom we are having a private conversation so would you please excuse us? Sometimes the elderly get into that habit of listening in because they are board and lonely . What I do is turn up the TV quite loud, tell my husband I have to talk to him and make it when a really interesting program is on or she's doing something that takes her attention away . Then go to another part of the house and talk, kinda quietly. I know this is not the ideal situation, but the other way is worse for me. I hope this helps you I will be thinking of you all tonight.
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Thanks for pointing out that truth, Jinx. I'll bet I speak for more than myself when I say that telling you that you need to change does NOT mean I think you are a bad person. or that your mother's deplorable behavior is all your fault. Not at all!

You DESERVE to change. You were taught behaviors that aren't good for you. Jinx is right, pat yourself on the back for each tiny step in the right direction. And forgive yourself immediately for every slip back into the self-harming behavior you were taught.

We'd love to hear about your struggles and especially about every success! This is going to be a hard journey. We want to be there for you!
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Find the book Children of the Self Absorbed. It is about dealing with the effects of growing up with a narcissistic parent (or two).

Therapy will be a HUGE help for you. Focus on YOUR needs, not her actions.

Please say I feel guilty when she does x, not she makes me feel guilty. Or whatever other feeling. Own your feelings. Realize that it may not feel good but you CAN set boundaries with your mother. Is she is verbally and emotionally abusive, there are all sorts of resources for learning how to deal with that. If she is physically abusive, call the police.

If she can afford to live on her own, arrange it. It sounds as if she is with you in order to avoid feeling lonely. Her feeling lonely is HER problem to solve, not yours. There are other options besides you and the nursing home.

It is hard to feel confident about ourselves when we have to deal with self-absorbed parents. Confidence is a skill we learn. You can make yourself feel better about yourself and your life but it will require work and things that are hard to do and that others may not like.

If she throws a fit, she throws a fit. Walk away. You do NOT have to stay and watch her be angry. When parents are unhappy, you don't HAVE to stay around them. You are not her only child, or her only resource.

Hang in there, keep taking baby steps, and know that you deserve better treatment and happiness.
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