Does anyone have a care receiver that interferes with your personal business?

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We took in my mom and dad about 4 years ago, dad has since past and we are taking care of mom. We (my husband and I) can not have a personal conversation anymore. She jumps into everything we say to each other, have to repeat it all so she knows what we are talking about and always puts her two cents in even to the point of causing an arguement between us. How do you ask her to please stay out of our personal conversations? She follows us around, listens around the corner and goes everywhere with us. If I wanted her input, I would ask for it.

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You need some privacy. If she gets upset and pouts that's her problem. Put a lock on your door. Give her a bedtime. (Would a sleeping pill help? For Her not you.) You are responsible to take reasonable care of her. You are not responsible for her happiness or lack of it if you are not abusing her.
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If you are doing the caregiving, then you have the RIGHT to talk to docs, otherwise, you CAN'T do the caregiving properly. If she won't let you talk to the docs, then, sorry mom, you need to find someone else to take care of you. Period. End of story. Walk away.
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Also, consider either A. talking to her doctors anyway - how will she know? Or B. not talking to her doctors. Not overseeing her medicine, not taking her places. Don't let her rule your life.

I know how very hard this is. My husband cannot say no to his mother. Thankfully, she lives 800 miles away. That is his boundary. He knows he could not have her in his house. He would go crazy.

When we moved my mother in with us, I had to realize that there will be times when Mom will be sad or angry and that is just what will happen. I can't make her 100% happy. If she gets angry that I made a yucky meal or won't take her to an expensive restaurant, oh well. No, I don't like the way we all feel. But that feeling passes and life goes on.

Everyone here says you have to have your own space and time. And help from others. That is the only way to survive this journey. I have trouble getting others to help - even people I pay. It sucks that I am the one who must make these extra arrangements or schedule things. But if I am to stay sane, then I must do these things because no one else will.

You have the power within you to set boundaries and you are not responsible for your mother's quality of life. You are responsible for YOUR quality of life.
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Find the book Children of the Self Absorbed. It is about dealing with the effects of growing up with a narcissistic parent (or two).

Therapy will be a HUGE help for you. Focus on YOUR needs, not her actions.

Please say I feel guilty when she does x, not she makes me feel guilty. Or whatever other feeling. Own your feelings. Realize that it may not feel good but you CAN set boundaries with your mother. Is she is verbally and emotionally abusive, there are all sorts of resources for learning how to deal with that. If she is physically abusive, call the police.

If she can afford to live on her own, arrange it. It sounds as if she is with you in order to avoid feeling lonely. Her feeling lonely is HER problem to solve, not yours. There are other options besides you and the nursing home.

It is hard to feel confident about ourselves when we have to deal with self-absorbed parents. Confidence is a skill we learn. You can make yourself feel better about yourself and your life but it will require work and things that are hard to do and that others may not like.

If she throws a fit, she throws a fit. Walk away. You do NOT have to stay and watch her be angry. When parents are unhappy, you don't HAVE to stay around them. You are not her only child, or her only resource.

Hang in there, keep taking baby steps, and know that you deserve better treatment and happiness.
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I do not know and the mere mention of such a thing throws her into a fit, accusing me of trying to be like my cousin whose mom did have alz and she took control of everything. She is afraid I am trying to get control of her life and basically get rid of her. I have no idea how to even approach this subject and she has told me that I had better not go behind her back and talk to her doctors about her. What to do?
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Does your mom have dementia? One of the truest things I have been told about this disease is "it's all about them"...the dementia-affected brain cannot fathom that every conversation doesn't include them and is about them. When I was discussing options for an ambulance to take my mother back to her NH, the lady in the next bed said "I'm not going anywhere in an ambulance!". No amount of explaining could get her to see that I was talking with the staff about my mother and not her.
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Behavior has consequences. Sounds like her behavior (disruption of your home & life) has earned her a one-way ticket to assisted living. Her choice.
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Thanks for pointing out that truth, Jinx. I'll bet I speak for more than myself when I say that telling you that you need to change does NOT mean I think you are a bad person. or that your mother's deplorable behavior is all your fault. Not at all!

You DESERVE to change. You were taught behaviors that aren't good for you. Jinx is right, pat yourself on the back for each tiny step in the right direction. And forgive yourself immediately for every slip back into the self-harming behavior you were taught.

We'd love to hear about your struggles and especially about every success! This is going to be a hard journey. We want to be there for you!
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How would you ever have learned to set boundaries with a mother like that? Don't be hard on yourself. This is one of those dreaded "opportunities for growth." Pat yourself on the back every time you make a tiny step in the right direction.
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Thank you to all of you for your words of encouragement. I know that I need to change and right now I am feeling really bad about myself. Mom intimidates me, manipulates me and makes me feel quilty all the time. I have had such a hard time through life from childhood + up that has left me drained and no self-confidence. The way she treats me just amplifies my self-doubt. I try to get respite in my office room which is conected to my bedroom and there is no door between the two spaces. You could say my bedroom door is the door into my office, you must go through my office to get to my bedroom. I try to get respite in my office but she complains to everyone that I stay in there with the door shut all day, (not so) but even so it doesn't work as she will still come in and if the door is locked she will knock until it is opened. I can't get a nap without interuption. Tried to today and I do believe (maybe I dreamed) that I yelled at her to get out. I am not liking the way I feel about her or me lately. When I see people talking about having a good day with their moms and how sweet she is to them, I just wanna cry. She loves my good for nothing brothers more than me. She was always jealous of my love for my daddy and the love he had for me. She likes to make me feel that he really didn't love me that much. Whatever. Just ranking. Thanks for listening.
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