My mother does not have dementia or alzheimer's. She is mobility impaired.
She constantly preaches that I will have her ailments, she warns me that I am too old to find a job and no one will want me because of my age. She says that her "religion" is the supernatural. She wants to talk about numerology, tarot cards, astrology and events that have happened to her. I don't believe in this "nonsense" and it bothers me. She doesn't understand why. I try not to discuss things with her; but, she gets upset that we don't sit together, have tea and talk.
She pushed me in a corner and demanded that I explain why I won't engage in conversation with her. So, I told her that I am not interested in the same things she is interested in. I feel we have nothing in common. Now she is upset and I hurt her feelings. Now what do I do? I am starting to resent her as my mother.
Is anyone else having an issue like this with an elderly parent?
When my Dad has gone over and over all the slights of his life, I gently remind him that they happened, they are over and he is okay anyway. He can't change the past, and he CAN change the present moment by letting the past stay in the past. It makes him mad temporarily and then he calms down. Trying to create a different past is never going to work, and even the most curmudgeonly among us have to see that on some level. Good luck!
My parents had 5 children and went to church twice on Sunday. However, they beat the hell out of the older 3 children. I was beaten from the time I was small until I was an adult. I was always a good kid, never caused any problems, never drank, never ran away, never talked back, never did drugs, got A's in school. We were raised on a farm & expected to work daylight to dawn. I can't forget the beatings from mom with the old vacuum sweeper hose that had wire coils in it, belts, switches, my dolls, shoes & anything she could get her hands on. I would climb under the bed to get away from her, but she would manage to pull me back out again & beat the hell out of me some more for trying to get away. Then if an item was damaged while she was beating me, I got hit some more and blamed for the broken item. I left home at the age of 18 and dealt with lots of depression through the years because of the abuse.
This abuse affected my older brother to the point of becoming an alcoholic by the age of 15. He also beat his son, who became a permanent prison inmate. My 2 youngest siblings never suffered the beatings. Those 2 siblings & their children are favored by our parents. Any conversation with mom she will brag about those grandchildren of her favorite children. If you happen to mention how your child just received a promotion at work, mom's response will be reversed to her favorite grandsons. It is like my son and/or my other sister's children don't exist. Our mother has said very hurtful things, written very hurtful letters to me & my sister and also her children, even putting these hateful letters in the children's birthday cards. This is totally verbal abuse and beyond.
Now the 2 younger siblings are pacifying mom & dad by encouraging this behavior, like they are scoring brownie points. We have been told they are trying to get mom & dad to change their will (mom is 88 & dad is 92). A couple most recent incidents included dad being airlifted to hospital twice for emergency treatment within 2 weeks. However, no one called my sister nor I. When questioned mom and also my youngest sister about this the reply was, “you didn't care enough to come to our 65th anniversary party, so we just figured you didn't care, so that is why we didn’t call you”. This was extremely hurtful. The reason I didn't go to the anniversary party was because I was undergoing a major eye surgery (trabeculectomy) at the same time as the party (of which she and the whole family were aware of). I am actually legally blind on one eye, because of glaucoma. I have the worst type of glaucoma a person can have. I also live out of state and a 10 hour drive to where they were having the party. When I told mom that I would not be able to attend the party because of my surgery, her response was “you should reschedule your surgery to a later date, after all it is not every day your parents celebrate their 65th anniversary”. If I had not rec'd the surgery when I did, I would have went blind. After the surgery, I even had to have 2 laser surgeries during my 6 weeks of recovery to open up the drainage channel, as it was closing up. I am still going for treatment. The surgery was severe enough that I was off work for 6 weeks and not medically cleared to even drive. Further, my younger sibling sister planned the party as she takes over everything & did not even ask me or my other sister's opinion as to when/where the party would be. When she called me about the party, she had everything all planned. I asked her if she could have the party earlier before my surgery, but she said No, she already made the arrangements. Her other comment was, can’t you change the date of your surgery?
For a period of 25 years, my sister and her husband helped mom and dad on a regular weekly 2 hour round trip to mow, fix and repair things, take them to the Dr., take them grocery shopping, take them to all the family events. Now because that sister did not go to their anniversary party (of which she knew nothing about because the sister planning the event refused to invite her) mom is treating her and her husband like dirt. She has written evil lies in many letters to my sister's daughter to upset her. My mother further threw up to me how my cousin came all the way from Texas to go to his parents’ anniversary party. However, she failed to mention he don't have a severe medical condition to deal with. Further, his parents would never of expected him to travel that distance if he did medical issues or needed surgery. The longer my younger siblings can keep my sister & I away the easier it will be for them to get mom to change the will, hide it from the rest of us, & take control of the situation.
We should all be able to have our needs met and that is why most times it takes the intervention of professionals in cases dealing with the elderly. The mother in this case appears to be abusing her daughter who is only trying to help her!!!! So long as one is in good sound mind...we are suppose to be responsible and accountable for our thoughts, deeds and actions! Kim … I can see your goodness and that you are taking a high minded approach…so please do not think that I am in anyway attacking you…as I admire you for Speaking your truths…just as I am doing. Blessings~ hobbi
I know you intentions are good and maybe they would work for you. They just won't work with abusive parents. And telling your daughter she is old and no one would want her sounds pretty nasty to me.
My Dad died almost four years ago,, he had Parkinson's and colitius. He was weak from the colitius and fell in the back yard and couldn't get up. Mom told me he cried for help until someone came out and found him. For almost 4 years she has told this story, making fun of him crying for help, and how she thought he was trying to get attention. She even said she didn't think he really had Parkinson's disease. She repeated this story to me, again, yesterday. It made me sick. You see narcissistic people never change, they are evil. You have to recognize that. Your Mom is trying to force her "religion" on you. I don't like that, religion is personal. But narcissist can't stand it when everyone doesn't agree with them.
May it is time for Assisted Living, a Nursing Home or any place but yours
I have had this issue for more years than I like to remember. Number 1: therapy helped me tremendously. My 90 yo mom is an alcoholic; dry alcoholic at this point. She has had issues with control, jealousy (of me) and concerns about what her legacy will be; these were NOT diagnosed by anyone other than me learning why I am like I am. I reached a point where I learned to set boundaries; in other words, I didn't allow her put-downs or speaking to me as if I was a little girl. It certainly hasn't been easy, but it does keep the peace. I walk away or tell her that what she has said isn't acceptable. She still tries once in a while. Now she is working her "magic" on the hospice nurse because Sarah is kind and can be intimidated; I just changed nurses to a stronger personality one and think this may work. I can actually say I love my mom..and that wasn't always the case. It took a lot of hard work on my part. I wish you all the best; it just isn't easy♥
Lots of hugs, Marilyn
It sounds like spiritual beliefs is not a good topic of discussion between you. If it upsets you or bores you to hear about her horescope for the day -- or yours! -- tell her so and ask that those topics be off limit.
What else could you redirect the conversation to? A movie you've both seen? Something you remember her cooking long ago that you'd like to learn to make? An interesting article in today's paper? What you are thinking of buying cousin Corrine for the upcoming wedding? Surely there are other things to talk about other than dire predictions for your future or Mom's spirtual beliefs. Refuse to engage on the "off limits" topics, but have some other items to start talking about.