How do I care for my mom, she constantly puts me down?

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My mother does not have dementia or alzheimer's. She is mobility impaired.
She constantly preaches that I will have her ailments, she warns me that I am too old to find a job and no one will want me because of my age. She says that her "religion" is the supernatural. She wants to talk about numerology, tarot cards, astrology and events that have happened to her. I don't believe in this "nonsense" and it bothers me. She doesn't understand why. I try not to discuss things with her; but, she gets upset that we don't sit together, have tea and talk.
She pushed me in a corner and demanded that I explain why I won't engage in conversation with her. So, I told her that I am not interested in the same things she is interested in. I feel we have nothing in common. Now she is upset and I hurt her feelings. Now what do I do? I am starting to resent her as my mother.
Is anyone else having an issue like this with an elderly parent?

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It's really hard when you are doing the best you can and because od whatever is going in in her mind she puts you down, yells and calls you a lier. I am doing the best I can but because of her financial situation and mine I can't get help. Some how I know God will help me but it is very hard on your own. I am so tired and can find no help because my time is consumed with her care that I can't think straight . Any suggestions ?
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You are so welcome!
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Jane B - I am going to print out the This is Not Personal section and put it on the fridge, the mirror in the bathroom - where ever - and will read it everyday, several times a day!! Thank you!!!
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If you can't get distance from her, physically, I have another suggestion. This will sound really hard to do, but I started doing it when I felt like there was nothing else working, and so worth trying on some level. Try telling yourself -- silently or out loud but really telling yourself -- "THIS IS NOT PERSONAL. It has felt personal but it is not personal. This is all about her. I am fine. This is not personal. I no longer needs to feel personal, and the wisest and finest parts of me know this is the truth, and now so do all parts of me." Keep repeating it. Interrupt the mulling you do over what she just said. Start this train of thought/action instead. It works, I promise you.

When my Dad has gone over and over all the slights of his life, I gently remind him that they happened, they are over and he is okay anyway. He can't change the past, and he CAN change the present moment by letting the past stay in the past. It makes him mad temporarily and then he calms down. Trying to create a different past is never going to work, and even the most curmudgeonly among us have to see that on some level. Good luck!
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givemepeace - you are right - you are not guilty - if you can let go of those feelings it would be good, What a dreadful way to live. Is it possible to place your mum into an ALF? It sounds like she has a personality disorder and narcissism like my mum. I find her too stressful to be around much, especially as I have gotten older and it has affected my health. Taking care of your mum means making sure she is cared for - I don't think has to mean you doing everything yourself. Please do look after you. ((((((hugs))))))
Joan
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I understand about the put downs from my mother too. Nothing I ever do is good enough. There's absolutely no talking to her at all, she just whips the conversation around on me, well you this, well you that I hear. So I gave up. My daughter told me I better not get like Nana when I get old. I told her if i do - then shoot me!! I do NOT want to be like her in any respect. Looking back on my childhood, I don't see much positive from her, mostly negative. My dad was a bear growing up but when he had a heart attack he really mellowed out. He since passed away 7 yrs ago and mom is living with us. And it has NOT been easy and continues to not be easy. Nothing I do pleases her at all. I understand her own frustrations of being limited on what she can do, going to work anymore is a pleasure just to get away from my own house! Then she'll pit each one against the other, so they only love her and not me. My daughter sees this and my son will complain about her at times yet since my son is the only boy (mom had 3 girls) she babies him and enables him (and I have had alot of problems with him in his teen years). I tell her she can't baby him (he's 25 now) oh but he's my grandson. Yes he's your grandson, but he is not 2 yrs old. So this is what she does and my own family is strewn apart with the exception of my daughter who understands, because of her. She complains about everything. Anything that she may do (like knock over a cup or forget something) it's my fault because of the way i put the cup down or i asked her a question. There's absolutely no winning with her at all. When dad was dying, we had an understanding with each other and even though mom was sitting there and I ran out for something from the nursing home he was in, mom would say dad kept saying when was I coming back. She didn't like that. Before dad went into the nursing home, he said to me take care of your mother, so here I am. I'm glad to have found this site to have support and know that I am not alone. She has passed on alot of guilt onto us thru the years as my sisters and I were growing and the guilt is embedded and it should not be. I have nothing to be guilty of. But she makes me feel guilty and I feel guilty in the way I feel about her and I know I shouldn't. She is what she is and there is no changing that, but I know I need to change how I handle it I suppose. Just so I don't go crazy living with her!
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(((((hugs))))) shrl and M1953 - you both have done and are doing so well. I have all but cut contact for similar reasons (verbal and emotional abuse) - just do what is good for you and your families and don't tolerate any more abuse - that garbage about the 65th anniversary is abusive - It is sad when parents and sibs pick on other famly members but we cannot control hteir behaviour, nor do we have to continue to put ourselves in the path of pain. It takes a long while to heal from these things - protect yourselves, do what you can to heal and enjoy the life God gave you. Your parents and sibs should be so proud of you both. I am!
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shrlclntz, is my sister & I am one of the 3 abused children! My sister got it worse than I did, so did my oldest brother! I was a middle child, the one who helped our parents so much over the last 25 years! I am so very proud of the woman my sister became & so very proud of her for choosing a wonderful husband, so many children in situations like that choose an abusive spouse, but she didn't!!! She chose a wonderful mate & my husband & I adore him! They have a handsome, beautiful son, who is such a blessing! My sister & her husband were very successful in life & their son is so successful, shows he had a wonderful upbringing! My sister could have passed on her terrible childhood to her son, but she didn't! She ended it with herself & I am so proud of her for that! So many in situations like ours end up in the system, but we stayed strong! I agree, we have payed enough! I am just so glad she is my sister & love her & her family dearly!
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shrlclntz, I am so sorry and sad. To read your comments brings tears to my eyes. I haven't had that happen often on this site. There is a special place in hell for some people and a special place in heaven. I hope you find your special place in heaven. Just don't have anything else to do with your parents and the ugly siblings. You have given enough.
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I am so sorry to hear of all the sad issues so many people are having with their parents. It would be wonderful if we were all blessed with caring, loving parents, at least that would give us some happy childhood memories. Sadly enough many children had a horrible childhood and not only are left with horrible memories, but are still receiving verbal abuse their whole adult life from their parent(s).

My parents had 5 children and went to church twice on Sunday. However, they beat the hell out of the older 3 children. I was beaten from the time I was small until I was an adult. I was always a good kid, never caused any problems, never drank, never ran away, never talked back, never did drugs, got A's in school. We were raised on a farm & expected to work daylight to dawn. I can't forget the beatings from mom with the old vacuum sweeper hose that had wire coils in it, belts, switches, my dolls, shoes & anything she could get her hands on. I would climb under the bed to get away from her, but she would manage to pull me back out again & beat the hell out of me some more for trying to get away. Then if an item was damaged while she was beating me, I got hit some more and blamed for the broken item. I left home at the age of 18 and dealt with lots of depression through the years because of the abuse.

This abuse affected my older brother to the point of becoming an alcoholic by the age of 15. He also beat his son, who became a permanent prison inmate. My 2 youngest siblings never suffered the beatings. Those 2 siblings & their children are favored by our parents. Any conversation with mom she will brag about those grandchildren of her favorite children. If you happen to mention how your child just received a promotion at work, mom's response will be reversed to her favorite grandsons. It is like my son and/or my other sister's children don't exist. Our mother has said very hurtful things, written very hurtful letters to me & my sister and also her children, even putting these hateful letters in the children's birthday cards. This is totally verbal abuse and beyond.

Now the 2 younger siblings are pacifying mom & dad by encouraging this behavior, like they are scoring brownie points. We have been told they are trying to get mom & dad to change their will (mom is 88 & dad is 92). A couple most recent incidents included dad being airlifted to hospital twice for emergency treatment within 2 weeks. However, no one called my sister nor I. When questioned mom and also my youngest sister about this the reply was, “you didn't care enough to come to our 65th anniversary party, so we just figured you didn't care, so that is why we didn’t call you”. This was extremely hurtful. The reason I didn't go to the anniversary party was because I was undergoing a major eye surgery (trabeculectomy) at the same time as the party (of which she and the whole family were aware of). I am actually legally blind on one eye, because of glaucoma. I have the worst type of glaucoma a person can have. I also live out of state and a 10 hour drive to where they were having the party. When I told mom that I would not be able to attend the party because of my surgery, her response was “you should reschedule your surgery to a later date, after all it is not every day your parents celebrate their 65th anniversary”. If I had not rec'd the surgery when I did, I would have went blind. After the surgery, I even had to have 2 laser surgeries during my 6 weeks of recovery to open up the drainage channel, as it was closing up. I am still going for treatment. The surgery was severe enough that I was off work for 6 weeks and not medically cleared to even drive. Further, my younger sibling sister planned the party as she takes over everything & did not even ask me or my other sister's opinion as to when/where the party would be. When she called me about the party, she had everything all planned. I asked her if she could have the party earlier before my surgery, but she said No, she already made the arrangements. Her other comment was, can’t you change the date of your surgery?

For a period of 25 years, my sister and her husband helped mom and dad on a regular weekly 2 hour round trip to mow, fix and repair things, take them to the Dr., take them grocery shopping, take them to all the family events. Now because that sister did not go to their anniversary party (of which she knew nothing about because the sister planning the event refused to invite her) mom is treating her and her husband like dirt. She has written evil lies in many letters to my sister's daughter to upset her. My mother further threw up to me how my cousin came all the way from Texas to go to his parents’ anniversary party. However, she failed to mention he don't have a severe medical condition to deal with. Further, his parents would never of expected him to travel that distance if he did medical issues or needed surgery. The longer my younger siblings can keep my sister & I away the easier it will be for them to get mom to change the will, hide it from the rest of us, & take control of the situation.
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