What do I do when I can't take care of my mom anymore?

In some states, dementia is considered a disability for benefit purposes and there may be coverage for her in a facility, like a Memory Care unit. Some states offer this. It's similar to Medicaid, but, for Assisted Living and not nursing home care. I'd find out where to apply on her behalf. Qualifications are normally based on income and assets, similar to Medicaid. You can explain how you are not able to provide for her care any longer and see what options there are for her in your community.

You might see if any other family member is able and willing to come forward first. This is not your fault. Even families with large homes, ample resources and lots of time find it very challenging to provide around the clock care for a family member with dementia. It is a huge undertaking. People with dementia normally progress to need constant assistance with every aspect of their daily activities. (feeding, bathing, toileting, etc.)

Try to get some relief and know that you are only human. Try to stop stressing. I hope you'll get some more suggestions.

OCWOMAN, you should call your Counties "agency on Aging", look it up online, or in the phone book, you can also inquire at you local Senior Center, as they often have someone there who can point you in that direction. Once you have contacted them, they will set up a "needs assessment" with your Mom, and you in attendance. They can point out all the available services she might possibly apply for, and then it's up to you to force the issue of her needing inpatient care, as you are financially and physically unable to continue being her full time or even part-time caregiver.

It might take some time, and due diligence on your part, and you must not give up! You will also need to be in contact with her Dr, as there may be Dementia assessments that need to be addressed.

Unfortunately, your Mom may need to become a ward of the state, and the state may assigned guardianship of her, but you will still be able to be her daughter and your family won't have to give up their relationship with her.

In the meantime, the AOA should also point you in the direction of some RESPITE CARE for YOU! You need to be very frank with them about your own needs, and hopefully they will find you a state/county grant or other funding, to get you some much needed time off and a break away from your responsibility of her, where she will be placed for (unfortunately) only a week or so, so you can get some rest!

As so many of us here have found, persistence is key, in finding the help you need! Don't give up on yourself or her! There is help our there, and the more you search it out, the more you will find! Good Luck!

You need someone who's really knowledgeable about the benefits and processes that apply in your area; so that counts me out, but I hope others will know either the details or where you can find professional support. You may also find a lot of useful information online if you search for your county or state services.

I just wanted to offer huge sympathy with the terrible stress you must be dealing with, and to second Sunnygirl's reassurance that none of this is your fault.

I don't know the details about your state. I'm going to provide you a link for a website that may help. I'm sending it to you by PM, since we aren't supposed to post links here.
I hope you can find some options that help.

Thank you for the info. I will keep y'all informed as I progress. Happy Memorial Day!

Don't panic.
There is a plan B, you just don't know what that is yet.
Hubs can work? Mom can get SSI?
Please do not move in with your son.
Remain independent, stay together, keep mom with you as long as possible, work your way out of this problem.
Think outside of the box.
There is some affordable housing in California-try mobilehomes.

You need to engage the help of a regular GP doctor as soon as possible - because residential care is not just a service needed for dementia patients, it's also needed for people who have all their marbles but are physically incapacitated. He may be able to find you a care home for your mother that is low cost - then you contact your siblings immediately to split the costs - between their contributions and whatever pension your mother gets because you have no income. If your siblings cleaned your mother out of cash, you must now face them with the consequences of that - and get a lawyer on your side too.If they refuse utterly, then consult the lawyer on what would happen to your mother if you and your husband moved away and left her "on the state". There may be some geriatric charities that you haven't heard about who could sponsor your mother in a care home for a short while while things get sorted out.

Have you checked if Kaiser has social workers that can help?

Grateful, when you say your mother has Alzheimers Disease - but she's living alone, and is shall we say not exactly winning friends and influencing people among the professional caregiving services in her area - has the AD been diagnosed formally, and has her mental capacity been assessed? Is she competent, in the technical legal sense?

It's just that when you say she screeched to a halt over the move to memory care, or AL with memory care, if she does have progressing dementia it will ultimately not be her decision to make. Meanwhile, though, while she is making or being allowed to make these decisions, then let her.

You will indeed go the way of your poor late brother if you allow yourself to get sucked in to a position of responsibility without authority. I appreciate how harsh this sounds, but if your mother makes the decisions then she also has to take the consequences. So that, although you say she's your mother and you can't "let her be like that", unless she permits you to do what's necessary for her welfare you must refuse to accept responsibility for it.

So, where are we? Is she competent or not?

You won't be much help to anyone if you don't take care of yourself! Seek support from a social worker or support group for caregivers, and try and stay calm. Stress kills. You may likely meet others who are or have been in the same sort of situations, and have possible answers to many of your questions, that really helps!