Can't reconcile my life, any advice?

I remember when I was a little girl there was a man who used to sit in the back of the congregation all alone. One day, I asked my mother who he was. He was the father of one of the singers. Years later, I learned that he went to hear her sing because they were estranged. He enjoyed her from afar.

You can be a presence in your mother's life by advocating for her. Be in touch with the director for updates. Send your mother cards. Maybe, if the facility is big enough, you too can enjoy her from afar. Interacting with her is only hurting you. So sorry this is happening.

Yes. You go. You are grieving the loss of her; she is there, but not the Mom you know and you are appropriately in mourning. But you must visit. You two are likely each picking up on the anxiety of the other. Just try to understand this is a loss and you are depressed about it. The hardest thing for me in my loss of my brother, who he was, is the depression. There isn't a way to "fix it". There just isn't a fix for this grief. It is a matter of understanding you are not alone. There are so many of us, both the person losing their very selves, and for us, the loss of them. I am so sorry.

Many blessings upon you for your devotion at the cost of your own wellness. May you receive peace in your heart knowing that none of what you have given of yourself is for naught, even if it seemingly doesn't bring any comfort to your mom. Anything you choose to do going forward will be acceptable -- no one can judge you. Please don't judge (or second guess) yourself.

With my mom, it isn’t dementia. Mom has Parkinson’s disease. No matter what the issue is though, it is truly devastating to watch a parent decline.

They are not the same person as they were before. We do grieve. We must realize that they have struggles with grief and fear as well. Acceptance takes time. Oddly enough acceptance for me came after the separation of mom and me. Is that weird? I have no idea if it’s weird or not.

It took total separation for me to realize fully that my life was totally consumed by mom and autopilot took over. I lost myself. Now that I found myself again I would never in a million years give up my freedom again.

Do you feel like you are on autopilot? Do you think a short complete break, a week or two week vacation would help put things in perspective?

You know, I don't think there's an 'easy' answer here. I don't think a therapist can help you because s/he can't fix the fact that your mother is suffering from the hideous disease of dementia. You can be given an anti-depressant by your doctor, which I highly recommend, because you need something to help you through the mental and physical pain you're trying to endure on your own. It's not doable alone, I don't think.........we all need help from time to time, right?

Anyway, I digress.

I think you need to figure out what works for YOU in this situation, since nothing works for your mom. The visits are more for YOU than for her, since she can't appreciate them and forgets they occurred the moment you leave. So maybe set up a day and time each week or whatever that you will go, and decide how long you will stay. Like DollyMe said.......talk to yourself beforehand and prepare yourself as best as you can for what will transpire during the visit. If/when it becomes too much for you to keep up with these visits, cut them down even further or stop visiting entirely, if you're able to do that.

My mother has dementia & lives in Memory Care also. She's not too advanced right now and remembers me when I come to see her. She does complain continuously, however, and it's always that I don't stay long enough, same as your mother. She does the same thing to her grandchildren which has forced them to cut their visits down as well. I really hate going over there these days, so I feel your pain.

It's okay to grieve the loss of your mother NOW, because you really HAVE lost her to this insidious disease of dementia. Sending you a big hug and a prayer that you can find some relief from the depression you are suffering and a plan of action to tackle the visits to see mom.

All the best.

If you feel depressed, I'd see a professional about it. You may need medication. Also, someone who can provide you with guidance on grieving. As a loved one progresses through dementia, they really are gone some time before their body passes away.

There are some good suggestions from others here. I'd also add that having a good idea of what you are going to say and do before the visit is helpful. Make up your mind how the visit will go before you get there and then make it happen. I tried to start out positive, like with a balloon, gift, favorite snack food, etc. to get things on the right foot. I'd listen to what she had to say, but, I would comfort her by saying that I had resolved her issues. Whatever it was, I had resolved it with a letter, a phone call, meeting, etc. It did not matter, since, for the moment was all we were working on, since she would forget as soon as I left the room. But, for those moments, she was relieved, happy and enjoying the visit. What are you trying to reconcile at the visits? Why are you feeling defeated? There is nothing you can do, but, try to comfort her in the moment. I had to accept that normal give and take conversations where my LO processed information and reacted appropriately were no longer possible. My expectations were very low as to what she could contribute. So, I was responsible for setting the tone and making it a good experience.

If she continues to be miserable, have her evaluated for depression or anxiety. Sometimes, a daily med can help with that. It helped my LO feel much more content.

If after all measures, the visits still bother you, then, I'd take a break and see if that helps. As a person who has dementia progresses, they may change the way they communicate. My LO started talking less and less and now does not speak at all.

This is so difficult, I understand, her feet are still on the ground but her mind is dying. She is no longer the person you knew and never will be again, this is a horrible disease that leaves no survivors.

I would suggest that you reduce the number of visits and those visits be shortened in time. Talk to yourself before visiting... setting the stage in your mind of how to not hear or react to what she is saying, thinking about other things of a positive nature. Tossing in a huh, huh, a yes here and there. Don't get too involved in the conversation, distance your mind.

If you cannot overcome these reactions to your visits you might consider therapy.

I wish you the best!

You can't make her happy. She no longer has that ability. You can do it for yourself but she can't appreciate it.

Or...change your mind.

really, a councilor I saw for a couple years advocated this...... and it worked for me.....

each time you think about her, know that this is not the person you knew. Know that whatever upsets her at the moment will pass very quickly once you depart.

then, force your mind to think of something else. What is for dinner...new shoes...neighbor needing help. But, really force yourself to think of pleasant things. At first it is hard, but once you make your mind up..over time it becomes easier to redirect your thoughts.

and remember, the thing you are depressed about is only in your mind...Mom is not capable of remembering the topic for very long.

I was mourning my Mom for a year before she died. I felt guilty that I couldn’t do enough for her. I couldn’t fix her. She could not communicate with me, nor I her. I needed the help of a councilor.

I have struggled with the same thing numerous times; and it took me awhile to even admit that my mother was declining.... so with that said...I have accepted that the person that I see is the shell of the person that she used to be, I realize that this is EXTREMELY upsetting and depressing, however, the way that I deal with her not recognizing me, is just to ignore the fact that she doesn't know (that I'm her daughter) and continue to visit as a caring friend. You could tell her that you have to go to work when you leave, since you claim that she doesn't grasp time.

She is most likely comforted by your voice, so even if you don't think she recognizes you, your voice is familiar to her....

You have got to come to terms with your feelings, and do not feel guilty!

Maybe you could find a group to vent, try looking here https://www.alz.org/
I'm sure you will be able to find one in your area. Hope this helps :)