Can't reconcile my life, any advice?

I just want to THANK YOU for posting this, it is relatable in many ways to me. Until I found this site, while looking for others in similar situations, all I could find were articles and advice that enhanced my feelings of inadequacy. Even in your own pain you are helping others simply by stating your truth. Thank you for helping me not feel so alone with these feelings!

In my darkest moments I picked up cardio kickboxing classes and then a ukulele, figuring the kickboxing could channel soooo many feelings and the ukulele could just be...well it's hard to stay serious strumming one of those. No perfect solution and I still struggle but these outlets cover a lot of bases! Most times after I'm done talking to mom I have a mini uke session, then go kick a huge bag the next morning!

Blessings and a virtual hug

Cedarlove, you wrote us a week ago and you’ve received lots of helpful advice. Has anything helped? Please get back to the group and let us know. I read your statement over gain and one thing jumped out at me....you said..."I can't just brush it off, or let it roll off my back"...and to that I say yes, you can. You are in control of how you choose to react and the attitude you take. Many of us have learned how to accept that this is how our parent is and we learn to disassociate or move past it so we can survive. So don’t give up and act as though there is nothing you can do. Please let us know what you are going to do about your visits.

Greetings CedarLove...
As you now know, there is no simple or easy answer to your dilemma. As with most issues involving a child caring for their elderly parent --even if the care is only part-time, like yours, as your mother is in a home-- the bond between a child and parent usually leaves us with very few choices, and NONE of the choices are good or easy.
You can only hope that you'll be guided by the situation to choose the LEAST difficult option. Since every person battling dementia/Alzheimer's is unique, the least "bad choice" is impossible for someone else to know... I'm afraid to say that you'll probably just have to 'stumble' onto it, based on your own unique circumstances.
Having said that, there ARE some smaller, individual steps that might help to lighten your emotional burden -- at least a bit:
For example, I fear you're being far too hard on yourself; Shakespeare (I believe) said: "You are your own harshest critic"... In your opening lines, you apologized for referring to your mother's communication as "whining"... you do NOT need to apologize for calling it what it is. It's not her fault, of course, but it is still probably a true and accurate description. You're only human, and you are permitted to vent/complain and use descriptions like "whining" ~ especially in this forum, where you are interacting overwhelmingly with others who support and understand you.

You are to be admired for summoning the courage to regularly visit your mom, and to get her out and about, around the facility. HOWEVER, we do all have our human limits. And I hope that if you should eventually decide to END your visits, you will not be burdened by unjustifiable guilt. In fact, you should feel very positive and proud for having endured this emotionally painful routine for as long as you have, to date.

From someone going thru a similar stressful dilemma, you have my best thoughts. J.J

There are so many people on this forum that can relate to your conundrum...and there are some who have not yet reached that state and can only think what they would do in the same circumstance. Boy, do they have a lot to learn yet.
It is important to realise you, they, we, are not alone in this depressive cycle. Having someone to talk to who understands what this dreadful journey is, is important, whether that be face to face, over the telephone, or through forums such as this. Keep contributing, keep asking, keep venting.
As far as your mother is concerned, you will never make her happy or even less anxious. It is the nature of the disease. It will take its own path and its own time no matter what you or anyone else does. I find that infuriating, but it is what it is.
Perhaps I am travelling a little less rocky road because I let go of my real mother well before she went into a memory care unit. Of course I still visit semi-regularly because of travel distance, but my siblings visit frequently. We all get similar treatment to what your mother dishes to you.
I find it possible to continue visiting because I acknowledge there is nothing neither I, nor my siblings, nor anyone else for that matter, can do the improve the situation. Whether you continue to visit is entirely your prerogative, no one else can or should tell you what is best for you. But I do think letting go of the mother who raised you is an essential part of your path forward. Courage and strength to you.

This is Cedarlove. Harpcat posed a question--has anything that's been posted here helped? Absolutely, YES. I have truly been helped by every single answer. This is the most wonderful, caring community. I'm sure more than one person has been saved by venting here and then receiving the love of the group. I know it has helped me and given me ideas about how to handle my situation. And just knowing that other people are dealing with the same thing and surviving, helps.
Thank you everyone. It's made a world of difference.

I k ow what your going through. My visits with my mom are very stressful. She usually starts out angry and will tell me she doesn’t want me there. By the end of the visit she will be sad and wishes she would die. That night i usually have such a stress headache. But I have a great support system at home as I hope you do. And I realize there are some of us that have to care for their parents 24/7 and can’t leave. I can’t make guarantee in the future but right now I will try to deal with it and know her brain is broke and she is getting the best care. Good luck to you.

Prayers and (((Hugs))). As someone on this site told me once...be gentle with yourself. You are a wonderful daughter to your mom. Just want to say this in hopes of making you feel a bit better. My mother lives with me and I'm caretaker pretty much 24/7. I occasionally leave the house but not much. Even sleep in a recliner in same room with my mother. That being said some nights she will become very distressed begging me not to leave or that she doesn't get to see me much. Sometimes I'm so tired and this just makes me feel that much more overwhelmed. Sometimes I can't help but say "Mama ...I hardly ever leave" but she doesn't understand this of course and I've found just a reassuring "I won't" is what she needs. She does have med for anxiety which I give her if she seems overly anxious or upset and this helps. Dementia is such an awful disease. I feel for you and what you are going through. Not for the faint of heart. Take care of you and hang in there.

My hubby is going through this with his own mother. She is miserable and makes everyone around her miserable too.

He will not visit her for months, then the guilt hits, or he is called into service...and he inevitably stays too long and she begins the 'pity party' and by the time he comes home, he is depressed and unhappy for days.

I'm no longer allowed to be 'in her sight' so I cannot accompany DH to these dramas and be the 'excuse' as to why he needs to leave after an hour---he goes and stays sometimes 3-4 hours. The talk may start out OK, just general stuff and he fixes what needs fixing, then she starts to slide into her pitiful voice and "my life has been the worst ever" routine that just makes him crazy.

I've tried encouraging him to keep his visits short-less than an hour, keep the conversation upbeat and moving along, but he just gets to her home and falls into the role of being the bratty little boy she still treats him like. At age 68, that's hard to take!! It will take him a week to 'get over' one of his visits with her. But guilt, pure guilt keeps him going back.

What I do with MY mom is visit her for as short a period of time as I can and make it quick and have a 'reason' for going to see her and leave before she starts talking about her friends who are all dying. It's a trigger to MY depression to see her be this way, but she is the same as she was 60 years ago, so she's not changing. I had to.

And the knowledge that your mom doesn't even remember your visit by the time you've gotten to the parking lot---well, that should be something you can hold to. You're doing a good thing and whether she remembers it or not is not important. But don't let her sadness eat YOU up.

I wish I could help my DH, but since I am one of her huge 'triggers' into manic behavior, I stay away. That has brought me so much peace. It's sad for her--she has no one but her daughter and her grands in her life and she can now barely stand to have the grands around.

Getting old ain't for sissies, for sure.

What is it about aging that brings back sad and bad memories? Every time I visit Mom most of her conversation is revisiting old hurts and slights, mainly from my dad's family. My aunt came to visit and instead of enjoying the fact of the visit she kept telling me about things that happened between them 60 years ago!

It's hard to carry on a conversation with her because no matter what topic I choose she can find a negative side to it. Nice weather? It’s going to rain tomorrow. Niece called? She never comes to visit. I bring a treat? Shes's gaining weight.

sigh.

Hope this helps. Both my mother and father have been in a nursing home now for 3 years. Mum has Alzheimer’s and Dad has vascular dementia. I was visiting them every other day trying to be the dutiful daughter and getting extremely stressed out. I was in a perpetual state of stress in between visits as I hadn’t enough time to recover. I was becoming very ill trying to comfort them.
Eventually my Doctor recommended that I visit only once or twice a week. They have no concept of time and so he tried to get me to see that by doing this and only staying for an hour maximum, it helped me to cope better. I had the entire week to get involved in other things such as hobbies and give attention to the rest of my family and this really helped me to de - stress. I also took up yoga and that helped immensely too.
Your mum won’t know the difference between long or short visits or if it is once a week or more frequently. Good luck.