Enough all ready, why can't I find a care facility for my mom?
OK, I have not been to this site in about a month. The short but long story...Moved mom into an ALF. Only there eight days and had to be admitted to hospital. She refused to go to dining hall, they tried bring food to room, still did not eat. She is type 1 diabetic so sugar got out of control. Spent eight days in hospital, where finally got doctor to diagnosis her with early stage dementia. She was moved to a rehab for some therphy. Original ALF does not want her to come back, and her primary doctor recommends long term care. Mom is only 71. So I try to find a memory care facility. Find a great one close by. They do an assessment to she if they can admit her. Find out her record at the rehab says she has unmeasurable bed sores. What? No one said anything to me. So they can't take her. Talk to rehab, they said when she was admitted they have some areas of concern, but she will not let them recheck the areas. Now what? Two of the spots are on her feet so I take her to her own foot doctor. He says they are a stage 1 and prescribes a treatment. Then make arrangements with nursing director at rehab to be there as they try to do a skin check on other areas. Got mom to change her clothes while nurse watched. She said everything looked OK to her. I call the memory care facility back, they send their nursing director out and of course mom refuses to let this nurse look for herself. I know that would happen.
Now again they still don't know if they will admitted her, want to try respite care \ trail stay for three weeks. Seriously, if I do that and they decide she can't stay, where would she go from there. She can't stay with me for multiple reasons and she would have given up her bed at the rehab.
Talked to social worker at rehab and they are trying to locate other ALFs with memory care and 24 hour nursing for her diabetes. So far none with a open bed. Should I just but her on the waitlist at the rehab for long term nursing home care? I just don't know what the right thing to do is.
Oh yeah to add to this if you have not guessed my mom is not the most pleasant person and does not like to do most things including taking her meds or do therphy. She just wants to go home and be left alone. Not an option, but really what are my options.
My mom's memory care will take minor bed sores but not advanced ones - also if she has type 1 diabetes I assume she takes insulin injections? I think that may become a deciding factor as I've heard some facilities do not handle injections
Your mom's behavior and attitude are common and shouldn't deter memory care although some only want mellow types - it sounds like she will need some medical intervention to calm her
If your mom was in hospital for 8 days I'm assuming Medicare will cover her rehab for at least 20 days - is this time up? Some facilities charge a fee to be put on their wait list but if one will accept her then it might be money well spent
I want to address your feelings of guilt. That is pretty common in caregiving, and I think it comes in part from unrealistic expectations we have for ourselves. I wasn't SuperDaughter or SuperWife. But I sure was conscientious and I did the best I could. Really, what more can any of us do, than our best?
You did not cause your mother's medical conditions. You are not responsible for her unpleasant personality. Her dementia is Not Your Fault. People with Type 1 Diabetes have shorter life expectancy than average. This, too, is not something you can control. Please give up thinking you can change any of those things.
A therapist I admire talks about aiming for "good enough" solutions when caring for those with dementia -- because "perfect" solutions do not exist. ("Living with Someone Who Has Dementia" by Pauline Boss.) And once you realize that perfection isn't possible, it is a little easier to stop the guilt feelings.