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OK, I have not been to this site in about a month. The short but long story...Moved mom into an ALF. Only there eight days and had to be admitted to hospital. She refused to go to dining hall, they tried bring food to room, still did not eat. She is type 1 diabetic so sugar got out of control. Spent eight days in hospital, where finally got doctor to diagnosis her with early stage dementia. She was moved to a rehab for some therphy. Original ALF does not want her to come back, and her primary doctor recommends long term care. Mom is only 71. So I try to find a memory care facility. Find a great one close by. They do an assessment to she if they can admit her. Find out her record at the rehab says she has unmeasurable bed sores. What? No one said anything to me. So they can't take her. Talk to rehab, they said when she was admitted they have some areas of concern, but she will not let them recheck the areas. Now what? Two of the spots are on her feet so I take her to her own foot doctor. He says they are a stage 1 and prescribes a treatment. Then make arrangements with nursing director at rehab to be there as they try to do a skin check on other areas. Got mom to change her clothes while nurse watched. She said everything looked OK to her. I call the memory care facility back, they send their nursing director out and of course mom refuses to let this nurse look for herself. I know that would happen.
Now again they still don't know if they will admitted her, want to try respite care \ trail stay for three weeks. Seriously, if I do that and they decide she can't stay, where would she go from there. She can't stay with me for multiple reasons and she would have given up her bed at the rehab.
Talked to social worker at rehab and they are trying to locate other ALFs with memory care and 24 hour nursing for her diabetes. So far none with a open bed. Should I just but her on the waitlist at the rehab for long term nursing home care? I just don't know what the right thing to do is.
Oh yeah to add to this if you have not guessed my mom is not the most pleasant person and does not like to do most things including taking her meds or do therphy. She just wants to go home and be left alone. Not an option, but really what are my options.

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First,Tattoochick, let me agree with you. Life just sucks. Cherish all the moments and days when it doesn't suck. And may there be plenty of them, when you are past this crisis! Hang in there!

I want to address your feelings of guilt. That is pretty common in caregiving, and I think it comes in part from unrealistic expectations we have for ourselves. I wasn't SuperDaughter or SuperWife. But I sure was conscientious and I did the best I could. Really, what more can any of us do, than our best?

You did not cause your mother's medical conditions. You are not responsible for her unpleasant personality. Her dementia is Not Your Fault. People with Type 1 Diabetes have shorter life expectancy than average. This, too, is not something you can control. Please give up thinking you can change any of those things.

A therapist I admire talks about aiming for "good enough" solutions when caring for those with dementia -- because "perfect" solutions do not exist. ("Living with Someone Who Has Dementia" by Pauline Boss.) And once you realize that perfection isn't possible, it is a little easier to stop the guilt feelings.
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Since she is showing signs of memory loss, can you do some 'gentle story telling?" Mom, the doctor wants the nurse to check your (body part) to be sure you can take care of yourself. Mom, the doctor wants you to have a little more care while your sores heal or diabetes is more controlled. With any luck, she won't remember the story you told her when you use it again.
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Mom can not go home. She would go into a diabetic coma within a day. She does not manage her diabeties herself, just does not even check her sugar or eat. Home is not an opition. She just would eat cake and cookies. We tried letting her go home and quickly went right back to hospital. I can not take care of her. Just because she does not want to go an ALF or nursing home, mean it is ok to send her home alone. She is not cognitive enough to know she is not OK.
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Your mom has made her choice, she wants to go home and be left alone. She is cognitive enough to not want to be put in an AL or NH. Seriously,good for her. Barring she not getting her wish, she will be uncooperative.
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Mom's 20 days are up and we have a copay. The rehab ia not forcing her out and they do also have long twrm nurising home care section, which there is a wait for. The socal worker I believe was hopi g for something else as well be auae of her age, if it was not for her type 1 diabetes (yes she gets insulin four times a day) and her stubborness it would be easy. I think i just feel guilty because I know how unhappy she already is. Fear of cutting her life short as she gives up due to depression. Life just sucks.
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Before deciding on an anti anxiety drug to administer before being checked for the bedsore issue, give the antianxiety drug a dry run first. My mom with alzheimer's cannot take ativan or xanax, they have the completely opposite effect on her as intended. She becomes absolutely unmanageable, a wild woman!. The drug that worked for her was seroquel which helped her for about four years before it's effectiveness stopped after being moved to memory care. A geriatric psychiatric evaluation hospitalization was necessary for mom, which took about five days. These hospitalizations provide the doctors the opportunity to determine what drugs will work the best for her.
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This is very sad as your mom is so young
My mom's memory care will take minor bed sores but not advanced ones - also if she has type 1 diabetes I assume she takes insulin injections? I think that may become a deciding factor as I've heard some facilities do not handle injections

Your mom's behavior and attitude are common and shouldn't deter memory care although some only want mellow types - it sounds like she will need some medical intervention to calm her

If your mom was in hospital for 8 days I'm assuming Medicare will cover her rehab for at least 20 days - is this time up? Some facilities charge a fee to be put on their wait list but if one will accept her then it might be money well spent
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Wow. Reading your post brought on such a strong reaction in me, I literally thought I was going to be sick! The vivid memories of my mothers extream stubbornness and how belligerently unreasonable she had become - and my own feelings of desperate, utter, hopelessness. I may be wrong but I was under the impression that rehab couldn't release her unless they knew she had a safe environment to return to. You need to refuse to be the person providing her safe environment in her home. The only argument that made the slightest dent in my mother when she was insisting I rent her a regular apartment where she'd live alone - I told her someone would report her to APS as a vulnerable senior - APS would charge me with neglect- which didn't phase her, by the way - but that APS would file for emergency guardianship and then neither she or I would have a damn thing to say about how and where she would live. Even with moderate dementia this was enough to slow my mom down a bit which allowed me to make some concrete plans. But yes, in the mean time get your mother on as many wait-lists as possible. Often the wait is shorter than they tell you to expect. And yes, Ativan is also an excellent suggestion!
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Have them give her an Ativan or Valium one hour before the nurse comes to check her. Anxiety relief is what she needs, so she will be cooperative. These meds are also given before MRI's or dental procedures or OBGYN exams .
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