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This is my first time on a caregivers site. I moved my Dad here a year ago when his wife had a health crisis brought on by his bad behavior and craziness. He's 95. He lived with us for all of 2 weeks before he found needing help on our stairs to be "dehumanizing" so we found him a nursing home close by. He hates being here. He wants to go back to NC. He always has terrible stories about the nursing home- but when I communicate with staff it turns out I only know 25% of the story. The truth is he is mean, vindictive and wouldn't tell the truth when he can think up a lie instead. In the year he has been here he has only called when he needs something, wants me to fix something or bring him somewhere. I try to be there at least 3 times a week and my husband does the same. I have told him that as soon as Medicaid pays his nursing home bill I will take him back to NC. This month things with him have gotten worse. As his health improves his behavior gets worse. This week I have hung up on him 3 different times. He calls me to tell me crazy stories that he knows will make me crazy. He called me 3 times in a few hours with different reasons for why he is still doing the one thing he knows makes me crazy- and laughed like hell when I finally lost it and yelled at him. Today I told him I was not having anymore crazy conversations with him and he should call someone else and I hung up. But how can I not answer the phone when I'm the family member here? I've been the devoted daughter, always taken him out, seen him every weekend. And I'm done. I can't do crazy anymore. I'm not going to see him this weekend. I found a therapist- it's not enough. Today I found myself looking up how much medication I needed to take to kill myself. I thought maybe I'd reach out here instead. My husband doesn't understand why I let it get to me. He says my Dad can only make me crazy if I let him. I have no one else to talk to. I don't know what else to do. It took his wife 7 months to get all the information we needed for the Medicaid application. This could take another 6 months or a year before the bill is paid. Right now there is almost $150,000 due. And it's in my name because I signed all the papers to get him into the nursing home. I am at the end of my rope. I hate my life with him in it. I was getting by until he decided that this week was "let's see how much we have to piss off Jen till she sends me back to NC" week. I don't know if this is the right place to post this. I don't even know what to ask. I don't know if there is anything anyone can say to make me feel better or see light at the end of the tunnel. I have a feeling everyone else handles this so much better than I ever will.

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Jenifer,

I don’t know why his wife feels she can dictate when he can return to her. Text or call her saying paying the bill is not your responsibility and things are not working out and send him back to her.

You don’t need this headache!
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Isthisrealyreal Mar 2019
She is in the process of getting Medicaid, it would be her responsibility if he left before approved, she signed for responsibility.

This is what desperation does.

She just needs to NOT take all of his calls or see him so frequently.
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Am I the only one on here that notices wife will take him back AFTER the 150,000 bill is paid? And JEN has to pay it back? Because she signed for it? Did I miss something? And it will take 6-12 months to figure out? Good luck, you are going to need it!
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Riverdale Mar 2019
I wondered about that too but there are so many elements here. It would seem that staying where he is would cause the charges to grow.

Even though she signed is she really responsible for the cost of his care? Hopefully someone might come forth with that answer.
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Jenifer,

What a spot to be in! Not worth your life, though.

My husband is wonderful but they don’t see as much as we do so how can they understand like we do? I get that and want to be fair to him. I feel awful if I am frustrated and take things out on him. I do apologize when that rarely happens.

Can you tell the wife that you tried to help your dad and he isn’t being reasonable so back he goes? Why is this heavy load all on your shoulders? So sorry that you have to deal with this. Take care.
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Jenifer3576 Mar 2019
Hi- yes I ended up trading some texts with his wife who told me I sounded just like her before she completely broke down and ended up in the hospital for 6 weeks. She said he should come back as soon as the bill is paid at the nursing home. So there is some light at the end of the tunnel and I feel better. Thanks for the support!
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Oh Jennifer.

"I have a feeling everyone else handles this so much better than I ever will."

Honestly, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry or that.

Nope! They don't. *Everybody* just pedals as fast as they can.

I am so glad to read your follow up comments. I have a feeling you will come through this pretty well. Hugs.
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He sounds bored and getting you riled up is entertainment for him
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2019
Yep, shad, she knows her dad and has said he is mean. Some people live to make others crazy. It’s a rush for them to upset everyone. Maybe it makes them feel powerful to stir the pot. So stressful to have people like that in our family. Most families have some sort of crackpot in them!
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Oh, Jenifer, I'm so glad you're here! Like you, this site and the wonderful people on here helped me when I was more dead than alive myself. I was Mom's live-in caregiver, but thankfully Mom was sweet until the end. My three narcissist sisters nearly killed me. From this site, I learned about narcs and could take steps to protect myself.

I'm a bit late to this thread. Others upthread gave you great advice so I won't repeat it. I was so relieved to read the thread that you're now protecting yourself and feeling better! Continue on not taking his calls and not responding to his actions or words.

Please keep us updated or don't hesitate to vent. Lean on us. {giving you a big ol' bear hug}
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Sendhelp Mar 2019
Sorry, I was losing track of Jenifer's last post, even though I had read it!
I too am glad to see her here. It is nice to see her answer everyone and keep checking in. That is a rare and kind quality.
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You sound like me! I’m done with the crazy, manipulation and drama. I UNDERSTAND!!!! My dad is extremely difficult and has everyone of his church members and friends FOOLED. I’m over it too. People don’t understand why you are so “mean and uncaring” towards your father. My father used a FAKE voice, like he’s about half dead when I called him to come out to the car to take him to his appt. when he saw my husband was there, his voice totally changed. Made me FURIOIS! Reach out me anytime! ANYTIME!
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polarbear Mar 2019
Bipolardad - I know about FAKE voice. Uggg... Still makes me feel disgusted when I think about it. My mother, when she was well, used that FAKE voice, the I'm so sick about to die FAKE voice, all the time when she wanted attention.

My mother has me and my brother. When he called with a little sniffle, she was all over it. "Oh, your brother is sick. Poor him. He shouldn't do anything. Just rest in bed. Poor boy."

With me, even when I was coughing my head off right in front of her, "I need you to drive me to go buy xyz (some random totally unnecessary things that could wait a few days.)
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Dear Jen. Your situation ssounds the same as mine DID. There are tons of other people who feel the same as you do as well. Taking enough pills to harm yourself is not the answer. I never figured out how to not let my mother get to me.. She drove me nuts. I moved in her place and took care of her for 3 years. She died Dec. 9th. 2018. I didn't like her growing up or as adults. But now, I miss her. I wish she was here. Never in a million years did I think I'd say that. Try some how to let his b.s. Roll off your back. Tell him over and over. "Dad, I heard what you said. I'm working on it. But dad I love you." Use the i love you ALL the time. He won't call as much. Good luck.
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Jenifer3576 Mar 2019
I will try it. I already miss the Dad I put on a pedestal 40 years ago. I'm just not sure he ever was who I thought he was. I think the narcissism had me fooled into thinking what he thought of himself. But I will try it. Thanks for the support
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When was the last time you saw your doctor for your own self-care?

Focus on you for awhile, it will strengthen you so you can build some reserves.
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Yep. Six months seems to be the magic month. At least it was for me. It took that long to get into a good caregiving routine AND finally have enough of MIL yelling at me to step away. I did all the behind the scenes stuff, but I had very little personal contact with her for about a month. It didn’t change her, but it helped my attitude. Take a break from your Dad. Screen his calls. Stop visiting so frequently or conveniently “catch a cold” and skip the visits altogether for a couple of weeks. Will it make him mad? Probably. But he’s already mad anyway, so you may as well take a break!!! And talk to his dr about some happy pills!!! Anti anxiety meds or an antidepressant might take his edge off.
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I did that today! Letting it go to voicemail and delete. Then I took the day to myself. I did exchange texts with his wife who said I sounded like her before she went into the hospital for 6 weeks. She will take him back to a NH in NC once the NH bill is paid. Thank you for the support!
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I'm sorry this is so stressful. Your profile says that your father suffers with dementia. I'd try to discuss this with his doctor and also do a lot of reading about how dementia means the person's brain is being damaged. It's not as if they are intentionally causing this grief and heartache. The problem is with him, not you. As family members, we can take solace in knowing that it's not personal. They cannot help their behavior and we can best serve ourselves by staying informed about their condition and not letting them push our buttons. There is a good book on dementia behavior entitled The 36 Hour Day. It explains why people who have dementia make false accusations, are rude, insulting, and have delusions. I'd consider that the things your father says, he likely believes no matter how bizarre. And, that people who have dementia are not crazy, but ill. There is help out there, so, I'd seek it.

Regarding this alleged debt you describe: I'd immediately consult with an attorney to find out your rights and defenses. Maybe, they are wrong about this.

I wish you all the best and bless you for being there for your family. Call a crisis center and seek help, because there is always help for situations like this. Please post about what you are able to find out. This is a great place to come for support and ideas. I learn something here everyday.
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Jenifer3576 Mar 2019
Thank you for replying. I will order the book. It would help to think his behavior was due to dementia and not directed at me out of malice. Thanks Sunnygirl1
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I could have written your post, and this is a great place for you to be. Please, please, please do not let your dad or step mother and their health conditions take any more happiness from your life. You say your husband does not quite get it, well, mine doesn't either. I have purposely kept him out of many details, and realize that his "not understanding" is actually a blessing to me because it gives me peace and love in our lives together untainted by the ill-will my parents spew at me. Perhaps you might find the same at some point. You are not responsible for your parent's wellbeing. You just aren't. As someone who has been in a similar spot, I recommend stepping away from your dad's situation. Let the professionals handle him. Focus your time, thoughts, and energy on yourself and what brings you happiness.
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Jenifer3576 Mar 2019
Thanks GingerMay, it helps to know someone else does know what this is like. I took today for myself and I feel better. I hadn't thought of looking at my relationship with my husband that way but you are right. You gave me a light. Thank you
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Dear daughter,
Please read the posts here, every time you feel like giving in to your father’s demands. You don’t need to do this, and certainly not alone.
Sticking my neck out here. Has his wife’s crisis passed? Why is she not keeping him in a facility near her? Does she have all her mental faculties? If she needs assistance in decision making for her husband’s care, there should be resources in her location. She is still his wife, after all. Why was this all dumped on you? Spouses have obligations here. Just my initial thoughts.
That being said, he’s in your locale now, but he doesn’t have to be your monkey, not your circus. As one whose sons have made it clear they do not ever intend to assist me in any way, not even a visit, a few house repairs, I know we are on our own, in our old age. Hub’s daughter doesn’t bother to call, has her own mental health diagnosis. And I’m not wanting to deal with her issues. As a stepmother, I see why the previous wives didn’t deal well with her.
So, as soon as the bills are caught up, move him back to be close to his wife. There was once something there, as they got married. Let the professionals do what they do, and reclaim your life. I don’t mean to suggest going no contact. But if that’s your only option for your own peace, nobody here would counsel you to sacrifice yourself for a parent.
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Jenifer3576 Mar 2019
Thanks Girlsaylor- I exchanged some texts with his wife and she said I sounded like her just before she wound up in the hospital for 6 weeks. She said I gave her a year and it was time for him to come back- once the NH bill is paid. Thank God. With that and 24 hours of peace I feel better and able to cope again. And this site is wonderful. I got so much advice and support. Thanks.
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No one not even your dad is worth your life. I am afraid that there are people in this world are not only mean but cruel and hateful. They get people rally up with their venom just to make themselves feel better, and your dad is one of those people.

I believe in taking care of family until they cross the line where your mental and/physical health declines, well your dad cross that line. Just because he is your dad doesn't mean he has the right to verbally abuse you and that is what he is doing.

But you have more power than you think you do. He needs you, you don't need him. Do what others here has said, "stop taking his calls."

Once Medicaid comes in and pays the bill I would buy a train ticket or whatever I had to and send his butt back to NC and tell his wife to put him in a NH there and that you are done with him.

Remember just because he is your dad doesn't mean he has the right to treat you anyway he wants. Take back your power!

Most of us are not trained in dealing with the situation that we find ourselves in, but we do the best we can with what we have, and that is all you can do and did.


Stay strong--you can get through this. We are all here for you.

Hugs!!
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Jenifer3576 Mar 2019
Thanks Shell38314. I can't believe how supportive everyone is. I should have been here before I reached rock bottom. And his wife said she would take him back as soon as that NH bill was paid. That and 24 hours to myself made me feel much better. Thanks
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PLEASE do not let yourself get sucked in by the craziness....step away and take a long needed break. If you are at the point of considering ending your life, then this manipulative, narcissistic man wins. Severe the ties now before you do anymore self harm. Do not feel guilty.....it is your health now that is in jeopardy. Understand there is nothing you can do to change the situation with your dad. It is a hopeless, losing battle. Do the right thing....for YOU. Get the help you desperately need and concentrate on saving yourself. You do not deserve this abuse.
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Jenifer3576 Mar 2019
Thanks Abby2018. I was reading about narcissism on the site and that's Dad. I had heard the word and didn't know what it meant. You are right and after a quiet 24 hours I feel much better. Thanks for the support
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Hi Jen,
Caregiving is a long difficult road, and we're happy you have found the support of others here on this site. Some of our most dedicated users have already reached out with some great advice and support for you.
However, there are limits to what untrained members on our site can provide. 
As they have noted, it is necessary that you take care of yourself. Please reach out to experts for additional support and the help you need 24 hours a day at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 
Call 1-800-273-8255
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Jenifer3576 Mar 2019
Thank you for caring and for having this web site where people like me can vent. Just venting can be cathartic. I appreciate it. Thank you
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Step away from your father. His wife does not get to dump him on you. He is a toxic person. 95! You must be joking totally keep him out of your life. When the bill is paid ring the wife. The wicked live long
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Jenifer3576 Mar 2019
Thanks Pandabear. You made me smile. The evil do live long. ☺
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Some have handled the stress of a narcissistic parent in ways that would shock you! So try not to compare yourself to others. I am sure your situation has you burned out in a way that you are not thinking straight. But, yet, here you are anyway...reaching out---that is a good thing, and takes courage to do the right thing.
Here are the facts about the right amount of meds: It does not exist. If you take a huge amount, you will vomit and aspirate, not absorbing enough to kill yourself.
Then you will have failed at that too! So please do not even entertain that idea anymore. You are already doing better deciding to reach out to the caregivers who have been where you are, burned out.
It may be that you will need to go No contact with your Dad. Your therapist can help you, because for some caring people, it will feel like a withdrawal from a drug after not having to endure the chaos of it all. You will, however,start to feel better!

Your own ideas of not calling or taking his calls are exactly right! Take it easy, and do not feel bad if you cave in, slip up, or even miss feeling so bad. You can do this!
Actually, you can do this by practicing not doing anything for awhile.

Attend some kind of support group that suits you.

Spring is arriving, take that walk around the block, and keep posting here!

It is called SPRING BREAK!
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Jenifer3576 Mar 2019
Hi Sendhelp, It's snowing in Rochester, NY.! 😁 Lol. But I know what you mean. And I took today just for me and I feel better. Today I watched a baby giraffe being born and watched his Mom take care of him. Simple and lovely.
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The very first thought that came to my mind is CALLER ID. Sorry for the all caps on that but wanted it to stand out.

You can't change him and I understand it gets to you. That is the caring gene you have within. That's why I mentioned the above. You do not need to take his calls. Perhaps you could start by allowing yourself one each day and taper off from that. He sounds like a terrible role model of a father. I understand the importance of family but not to the point of being abused. You are clearly being verbally abused therefore lessen your exposure to that behaviour.

People here handle situations in all sorts of different manners and have the same with behaviors of those in their lives. Your life is valid. You made a positive step by seeking help here. I hope others will offer guidance. I feel that answering his calls is a huge irritant and unjustified. Please attempt some steps to find the you that will gradually be who you want to be.
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Jenifer3576 Mar 2019
Thanks Riverdale. Yes, I now let his calls go to voice mail. I think I gathered back enough strength in the last few days to dare a short visit after work tomorrow. I'm going to lay down the rules. I might even post them on his wall for easy reference!
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Oh man, you are not alone and you found the right forum.

You are right, you have to wait until the NH gets paid. You can't pay that.

Here's the thing, he enjoys making you crazy and you know that. He gets his kicks by hurting people, that's how you ended up with him. He is obviously mental, he needs a geriatric psychologist to put him on meds that calm him down.

You do not have to take his calls, period. You have done the best you can and it isn't good enough for him but that doesn't mean you dance faster, it means you move away from his sphere of hateful narcissism. If you don't know what narsisistic is, please do some research, it helped me understand a great deal about my parents and their behavior. It will help you understand. You have nothing to feel guilty about, stop beating yourself up and wanting to end your life because of this male, it is time to disconnect, at least for a while if not permanently. The NH will let you know if he has an emergency or if he NEEDS something, what he wants doesn't even matter at this point, so no need to talk to him. You could tell him that you don't want to hear from him, that just made my dad call all the more to prove he was my boss I guess, didn't work i didn't answer his calls and I didn't return them either. You can just decide that you aren't going to take his calls for a week and let him figure it out, I would block his number personally.

I wish I could take you in my arms and give you a big hug and tell you that you matter, whether he sees it or not, you matter.

Take a break and figure out how you will keep him at arms length from here on out, he doesn't deserve your devotion any longer, he doesn't appreciate it and has ruined for himself forever, give your husband the love and devotion you want to give your dad, he will appreciate it.

Step back, breathe, block number and set boundaries, then wait a week to talk to dad, 1st ugly word, hang up and repeat above. You can do this.
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ExhaustedPiper Mar 2019
Excellent advice.

I was trying to think of what I wanted to say to the OP, but you said it better than I could.
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Believe me, their are people in or have been in your shoes. Don't pick up the phone. Let it go to VM then delete. You need to figure out why you allow him to do this. You deserve respect. Take him back to NC and tell his wife he is her problem. You have to cut off from him for your sanity. If you do visit him, lose his phone. No reason he needs it in a NH.

You will get more responses.
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