Follow
Share

This is my first time on a caregivers site. I moved my Dad here a year ago when his wife had a health crisis brought on by his bad behavior and craziness. He's 95. He lived with us for all of 2 weeks before he found needing help on our stairs to be "dehumanizing" so we found him a nursing home close by. He hates being here. He wants to go back to NC. He always has terrible stories about the nursing home- but when I communicate with staff it turns out I only know 25% of the story. The truth is he is mean, vindictive and wouldn't tell the truth when he can think up a lie instead. In the year he has been here he has only called when he needs something, wants me to fix something or bring him somewhere. I try to be there at least 3 times a week and my husband does the same. I have told him that as soon as Medicaid pays his nursing home bill I will take him back to NC. This month things with him have gotten worse. As his health improves his behavior gets worse. This week I have hung up on him 3 different times. He calls me to tell me crazy stories that he knows will make me crazy. He called me 3 times in a few hours with different reasons for why he is still doing the one thing he knows makes me crazy- and laughed like hell when I finally lost it and yelled at him. Today I told him I was not having anymore crazy conversations with him and he should call someone else and I hung up. But how can I not answer the phone when I'm the family member here? I've been the devoted daughter, always taken him out, seen him every weekend. And I'm done. I can't do crazy anymore. I'm not going to see him this weekend. I found a therapist- it's not enough. Today I found myself looking up how much medication I needed to take to kill myself. I thought maybe I'd reach out here instead. My husband doesn't understand why I let it get to me. He says my Dad can only make me crazy if I let him. I have no one else to talk to. I don't know what else to do. It took his wife 7 months to get all the information we needed for the Medicaid application. This could take another 6 months or a year before the bill is paid. Right now there is almost $150,000 due. And it's in my name because I signed all the papers to get him into the nursing home. I am at the end of my rope. I hate my life with him in it. I was getting by until he decided that this week was "let's see how much we have to piss off Jen till she sends me back to NC" week. I don't know if this is the right place to post this. I don't even know what to ask. I don't know if there is anything anyone can say to make me feel better or see light at the end of the tunnel. I have a feeling everyone else handles this so much better than I ever will.

Oh man, you are not alone and you found the right forum.

You are right, you have to wait until the NH gets paid. You can't pay that.

Here's the thing, he enjoys making you crazy and you know that. He gets his kicks by hurting people, that's how you ended up with him. He is obviously mental, he needs a geriatric psychologist to put him on meds that calm him down.

You do not have to take his calls, period. You have done the best you can and it isn't good enough for him but that doesn't mean you dance faster, it means you move away from his sphere of hateful narcissism. If you don't know what narsisistic is, please do some research, it helped me understand a great deal about my parents and their behavior. It will help you understand. You have nothing to feel guilty about, stop beating yourself up and wanting to end your life because of this male, it is time to disconnect, at least for a while if not permanently. The NH will let you know if he has an emergency or if he NEEDS something, what he wants doesn't even matter at this point, so no need to talk to him. You could tell him that you don't want to hear from him, that just made my dad call all the more to prove he was my boss I guess, didn't work i didn't answer his calls and I didn't return them either. You can just decide that you aren't going to take his calls for a week and let him figure it out, I would block his number personally.

I wish I could take you in my arms and give you a big hug and tell you that you matter, whether he sees it or not, you matter.

Take a break and figure out how you will keep him at arms length from here on out, he doesn't deserve your devotion any longer, he doesn't appreciate it and has ruined for himself forever, give your husband the love and devotion you want to give your dad, he will appreciate it.

Step back, breathe, block number and set boundaries, then wait a week to talk to dad, 1st ugly word, hang up and repeat above. You can do this.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
Report
ExhaustedPiper Mar 16, 2019
Excellent advice.

I was trying to think of what I wanted to say to the OP, but you said it better than I could.
(2)
Report
See 2 more replies
Some have handled the stress of a narcissistic parent in ways that would shock you! So try not to compare yourself to others. I am sure your situation has you burned out in a way that you are not thinking straight. But, yet, here you are anyway...reaching out---that is a good thing, and takes courage to do the right thing.
Here are the facts about the right amount of meds: It does not exist. If you take a huge amount, you will vomit and aspirate, not absorbing enough to kill yourself.
Then you will have failed at that too! So please do not even entertain that idea anymore. You are already doing better deciding to reach out to the caregivers who have been where you are, burned out.
It may be that you will need to go No contact with your Dad. Your therapist can help you, because for some caring people, it will feel like a withdrawal from a drug after not having to endure the chaos of it all. You will, however,start to feel better!

Your own ideas of not calling or taking his calls are exactly right! Take it easy, and do not feel bad if you cave in, slip up, or even miss feeling so bad. You can do this!
Actually, you can do this by practicing not doing anything for awhile.

Attend some kind of support group that suits you.

Spring is arriving, take that walk around the block, and keep posting here!

It is called SPRING BREAK!
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Sendhelp
Report
Jenifer3576 Mar 16, 2019
Hi Sendhelp, It's snowing in Rochester, NY.! 😁 Lol. But I know what you mean. And I took today just for me and I feel better. Today I watched a baby giraffe being born and watched his Mom take care of him. Simple and lovely.
(6)
Report
See 1 more reply
PLEASE do not let yourself get sucked in by the craziness....step away and take a long needed break. If you are at the point of considering ending your life, then this manipulative, narcissistic man wins. Severe the ties now before you do anymore self harm. Do not feel guilty.....it is your health now that is in jeopardy. Understand there is nothing you can do to change the situation with your dad. It is a hopeless, losing battle. Do the right thing....for YOU. Get the help you desperately need and concentrate on saving yourself. You do not deserve this abuse.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Abby2018
Report
Jenifer3576 Mar 16, 2019
Thanks Abby2018. I was reading about narcissism on the site and that's Dad. I had heard the word and didn't know what it meant. You are right and after a quiet 24 hours I feel much better. Thanks for the support
(2)
Report
No one not even your dad is worth your life. I am afraid that there are people in this world are not only mean but cruel and hateful. They get people rally up with their venom just to make themselves feel better, and your dad is one of those people.

I believe in taking care of family until they cross the line where your mental and/physical health declines, well your dad cross that line. Just because he is your dad doesn't mean he has the right to verbally abuse you and that is what he is doing.

But you have more power than you think you do. He needs you, you don't need him. Do what others here has said, "stop taking his calls."

Once Medicaid comes in and pays the bill I would buy a train ticket or whatever I had to and send his butt back to NC and tell his wife to put him in a NH there and that you are done with him.

Remember just because he is your dad doesn't mean he has the right to treat you anyway he wants. Take back your power!

Most of us are not trained in dealing with the situation that we find ourselves in, but we do the best we can with what we have, and that is all you can do and did.


Stay strong--you can get through this. We are all here for you.

Hugs!!
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Shell38314
Report
Jenifer3576 Mar 16, 2019
Thanks Shell38314. I can't believe how supportive everyone is. I should have been here before I reached rock bottom. And his wife said she would take him back as soon as that NH bill was paid. That and 24 hours to myself made me feel much better. Thanks
(1)
Report
When was the last time you saw your doctor for your own self-care?

Focus on you for awhile, it will strengthen you so you can build some reserves.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Sendhelp
Report

Believe me, their are people in or have been in your shoes. Don't pick up the phone. Let it go to VM then delete. You need to figure out why you allow him to do this. You deserve respect. Take him back to NC and tell his wife he is her problem. You have to cut off from him for your sanity. If you do visit him, lose his phone. No reason he needs it in a NH.

You will get more responses.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

I did that today! Letting it go to voicemail and delete. Then I took the day to myself. I did exchange texts with his wife who said I sounded like her before she went into the hospital for 6 weeks. She will take him back to a NH in NC once the NH bill is paid. Thank you for the support!
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Jenifer3576
Report

Oh, Jenifer, I'm so glad you're here! Like you, this site and the wonderful people on here helped me when I was more dead than alive myself. I was Mom's live-in caregiver, but thankfully Mom was sweet until the end. My three narcissist sisters nearly killed me. From this site, I learned about narcs and could take steps to protect myself.

I'm a bit late to this thread. Others upthread gave you great advice so I won't repeat it. I was so relieved to read the thread that you're now protecting yourself and feeling better! Continue on not taking his calls and not responding to his actions or words.

Please keep us updated or don't hesitate to vent. Lean on us. {giving you a big ol' bear hug}
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to MountainMoose
Report
Sendhelp Mar 17, 2019
Sorry, I was losing track of Jenifer's last post, even though I had read it!
I too am glad to see her here. It is nice to see her answer everyone and keep checking in. That is a rare and kind quality.
(4)
Report
Step away from your father. His wife does not get to dump him on you. He is a toxic person. 95! You must be joking totally keep him out of your life. When the bill is paid ring the wife. The wicked live long
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Pandabear
Report
Jenifer3576 Mar 16, 2019
Thanks Pandabear. You made me smile. The evil do live long. ☺
(1)
Report
I'm sorry this is so stressful. Your profile says that your father suffers with dementia. I'd try to discuss this with his doctor and also do a lot of reading about how dementia means the person's brain is being damaged. It's not as if they are intentionally causing this grief and heartache. The problem is with him, not you. As family members, we can take solace in knowing that it's not personal. They cannot help their behavior and we can best serve ourselves by staying informed about their condition and not letting them push our buttons. There is a good book on dementia behavior entitled The 36 Hour Day. It explains why people who have dementia make false accusations, are rude, insulting, and have delusions. I'd consider that the things your father says, he likely believes no matter how bizarre. And, that people who have dementia are not crazy, but ill. There is help out there, so, I'd seek it.

Regarding this alleged debt you describe: I'd immediately consult with an attorney to find out your rights and defenses. Maybe, they are wrong about this.

I wish you all the best and bless you for being there for your family. Call a crisis center and seek help, because there is always help for situations like this. Please post about what you are able to find out. This is a great place to come for support and ideas. I learn something here everyday.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Sunnygirl1
Report
Jenifer3576 Mar 16, 2019
Thank you for replying. I will order the book. It would help to think his behavior was due to dementia and not directed at me out of malice. Thanks Sunnygirl1
(1)
Report
See All Answers

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter