I am turning into an emotional wreck. I have been caring for Mom for over 8 years and others prior for a total of 17. I am her POA and I have two siblings who cannot care for her as they both work. One lives with us but was not helping, then began to help out some but is now getting ready to "jump ship" and move if she can.
I have become so tired, physically, mentally and emotionally that I began having panic and anxiety attacks again. I wake up in the morning with weight on my chest, hard to breathe and it is anxiety and dread, knowing what the day will bring. I do not want to keep doing this, I am exhausted. I use to swear to Mom (and Dad) that I would never put them into a nursing home, but I just cannot keep living my life every day like this. I am becoming afraid for my own health and well being. I am getting upset with Mom and I am tired of hearing her yell at me that "if I don't like the way things are around here then I can pack my s---t and get out,......or get out and live on the streets....or I am tired of looking at your face around here so get out!" I know she is angry and upset and yes I know it is the disease, but this is just too much and too often and if this stuff is said to you often enough, you do take it personally!
Mom has moderate dementia in some areas could be considered severe on a scale I found on the internet. Her memory lasts from about 5 to 10 maybe 15 minutes depending on what it is. She is ambulatory and able to take care of her personal needs, bathroom, brush teeth, comb hair, make bed and she loves to sit in the sun on the patio. She no longer does any cooking or chores other than help fold towels.
She has atrial fib and takes meds for it and dementia but no other real medical problems.
What do I do if I feel that I can no longer take care of her and there is no family member willing or able to care for her? What do I need to do? Is there an agency or anything that can help me place her somewhere? And where a nursing home or what?
I am about a hair away from falling apart LITERALLY FALLING APART! My sister just left for work and my daughter to school and I am sitting in bed shaking, sick to my stomach, and just had to take a Xanax to try and calm down.
Because I am POA everything was thrown on to me to handle and no one ever does anything to help because they are too busy with their jobs and life, I AM OVERWHELMED and at my wits end. HONEST TO GOD I CAN NO LONGER DO THIS!
Can someone please give me advice on what I need to do to get her placed somewhere or get someone to help me place her somewhere. I know I am going to feel guilt when I move her, but I absolutely cannot keep doing this every single day, I am worn out!
Her physical level would allow for an assisted living placement if you have funds for it. Your Area Agency on Aging would be a place to turn to find out about respite and day programs or home health aide supports for you if you can't get Medicaid for nursing home care right away and that's your only choice due to funding.
Those are actually mini-doses on the Ambien and Ativan. Use what works. Weird and paradoxical side effects happen to a lot of people. About double what she is using now would still be very reasonable, but check with your doctor of course. Both you and mom might need to consider Rx for depression also, though you may feel better with just a reasonable reduction in the burden of care you are currently providing.
Start the search now, while you still have the strength and sanity to do it!
ba8alou: Last September when Mom was hospitalized her doctor told me to put her into a nursing home right then. She was really out of it because they had filled her with all types of drugs to stop the sundowing and all they did was make her worse or hallucinate. She is a bit "ODD" in that medications that normally work on people for this disease do NOT work on her. We are now on Ativan .75mg split into 3 doses morning, noon and night and Ambian 2.5mg. Her body is amazing that she just overrides everything. The Ativan she takes would knock me on my backside but she powers right through it, I am sure the Ambian would too, but she takes it, is awake for about 2 1/2 hours then goes to sleep and is up around 6 am!
jeannegibbs: Mom's finances are such that she could pay for a short while and then it would be necessary for insurance to be able to pay for her. This is one of the reasons I am wondering where she would even be able to go. I just know that I am becoming so broken by all of this that if I don't find something and put her somewhere or figure out Respite, or Day Care or Something, I am going to break and I am going to be good for no one!
Mom can be okay, she can be nice and quiet and sit outside and watch the birds but the constant asking the same questions over and over and getting mad at me and saying horrible things and then I get mad when I can take it no more and will say things back....I HATE IT AND I HATE MYSELF! This is not how I want to remember my last days with my Mom, I do not want to resent her but I do and I resent my sister as well for not helping me. I feel like after 8 years of doing this just falling on the floor and yelling "I GIVE, I GIVE, I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!"
You said, "For most dementia patients a time comes when they need the protection of round-the-clock staff, and a structured environment geared to keeping them calm and happy. I think your mother's time has come, don't you?"
Even if HER TIME has not come, MINE HAS. I am so exhausted, and I honest to God want a life again!!! I need a vacation, I need to be able to run to the store, go and get my hair cut, eat lunch with my daughter, I need to be alive again....even if all I want to do is sleep until 8. With my panic and anxiety beginning again I know I cannot let this get the best of me or I will not be able to do the things I need to do...I don't want to wind up in a facility sitting next to Mom!!!!
You are so lucky to have your sisters help you with your Mom. Mine just look at me and ask "so what are YOU going to do?" That is IF they bother to ask.
I can't remember anything about your mom's finances. Will she be self-pay, at least initially, or will she need financial aid to be in a care center? That can make a little difference in how you proceed.
Your number one priority at this point should be what is best for your mother AND you. Having your relationship deteriorating to resentment and snapping is NOT best for either of you. Finding a great place where her physical needs will be met and where you can visit often as a loving daughter sounds to be in both your best interests.
Start the search. When you find a potential place, discuss your mother's skills and needs with the admissions staff.
My sisters and I just placed our mother. I sounds like she is at a level similar to your mother. She would do OK in assisted living EXCEPT for her dementia and mobility issues, with which she'd need a lot of assistance. We found a dementia-care place that seemed suitable, but they didn't have an opening. She has not dementia-related behavior problems (no wandering, no hallucinations, no verbal outbursts, etc.) and that environment might be overkill for what she needs. She is now in a Nursing Home and so far seems to be settling in well.
For most dementia patients a time comes when they need the protection of round-the-clock staff, and a structured environment geared to keeping them calm and happy. I think your mother's time has come, don't you?