Can’t bring myself to have Mom leave her home, all her things (well.. most) and her doggie. I just don't know the steps to even begin.


Even though it’s pretty much time for mom to go live in a group home, I just cannot even begin to think HOW this is really done. The thought hurts my heart and is on my mind everyday.... I just don’t know the steps to even begin. She will not want to leave her home and dog! They are super close.

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What level of care does Mom need? How is she getting that now?

Some assisted living facilities and group homes accept one pet. Start by calling the Area Agency on Aging and explain what you are looking for. They have all kinds of lists of resources.

Seeing our parents need more help than we can give them is indeed heartbreaking. Hugs.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to jeannegibbs

When it’s obvious that it’s time for assisted living, it’s usually past time. So, try not to drag out the process. First, go on your own to find a good community. Many will accept a pet if the resident can either care for it properly themselves or arrange for its care. What your mom is leaving behind is a life of loneliness and isolation in a house that restricts or even lessens her quality of life. What she will be moving to is social engagement, an accessible environment, better nutrition and health monitoring, and greater purpose. With that in mind, this is a rescue - a positive, not a negative. The process is emotional and can have some roadblocks, but the goal is a better quality of life.
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Reply to IsntEasy

I am sorry Sky for the situation you are in. Is there potential for in home care? What is your Moms illness or difficulties. Does she have to go to a home? Or are there other options?
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Reply to smeshque

I’ve just had the same dilemma. Geriatric psychiatrist had agreed to assess her at hospital first, so I told Mum she had an appointment with the doctor, took her along and once there, explained that he wanted her to stay in for a while. After the assessment, which took about 4 weeks, and after which the doctor said she shouldn’t return home, I told her the doctor wanted her to move to a different building, which was more suitable for her. The hospital then transported her to the care home.
I decided, because of her dementia and the fact she is fairly compliant when it comes to doctors, that this was the easiest way to do it.
She does keep saying that she can’t stay where she is (I’m not 100% sure where she does think she is though) forever but I just reply that the doctor says she needs to stay there for now, which she then accepts.
I now have the dilemma about what to do about her home. I don’t need to sell it to cover care home fees, however, there is no point in it sitting empty and it needs too much in the way of modernisation to be able to rent it out as it is. I know the best plan is really to sell it but I feel guilty about it. I also keep thinking, what if she gets better and can go back home, even though I know realistically at 93, that is not going to happen. I am considering selling it and not telling her, then just saying everything is fine if she asks about it.
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Reply to AngelaBr

She may adjust better if she can keep her dog - look for a place that allows that - you may have to pay for someone to walk the dog - I once saw a woman who kept a cat & they paid a lady to come & clean the litter 2 x a week which was in the bathroom

Remember you never get a 'yes' to a question that is not asked - ask around - there may be students who could do this for you

Just evaluation the dog before - so will she be good with others fussing over the dog & is the dog's temperment such that it will adjust to living with so many people
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Reply to moecam

Call your local Counsel on Ageing. They can be a huge help walking you through what you need to do.
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Reply to whaleyf

When it became past time to move my two friends into a memory care apartment, I found one that had a one bedroom apartment available. The day of the move, another friend took them out to breakfast and then to have their nails done. While they were gone, we moved their bedroom, kitchen and den furniture to their new place and arranged things like they had in their townhouse. Same pictures on the walls, furniture arranged the same way. When they came to their new apartment, the husband, who had been adamant about not needing to move, saw his favorite recliner and sat down with a sigh of relief and has been happy there ever since. Finding a place that had the right sized apartment was key. On top of this, the care they provided and the advice for me has been top rate and most appreciated since I had not done this type of thing before. When they made me their power of attorney, the authority was complete from that point on, even if they did not agree with my decisions. Fortunately, I was able to convince them about the move without imposing my authority. They were no longer alone and were making new friends, eating together in company, enjoying some of the group activities. They were happier and less stressed. Nothing could stop the wife's decline with her frontal temporal dementia, but she was in the best place to live out her last days.  I could not have asked for more.
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Reply to JohnnyJ

I just did that. Now, going to funeral tomorrow. What is your real situation? Money, location, additional help. Let’s us know, maybe we can offer different ways to do things.
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Reply to Ihave1now

As the previous poster said, when it's obvious that the person can no longer stay in their own home - it is usually well past time. Your mother's quality of life will surely improve immensely if she is in a place where she has supervision and other people around.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to dragonflower

When it was time for my dad to move, my sister and I visited 3 decent places and got the scoop, ate lunch there and talked to the people who rent the apartments. Then we took dad to see available places. We let him select the one he liked with gentle steering. However this was IL not AL. once he went to AL we stayed in the same center and he chose his room. We selected a moving company that specializes in the downsizing of this type. They help select what will fit, and also make the new place resemble the former home. They packed and unpacked all in one day and he moved in that afternoon. The same company gave us names of realtors and estate sale people they had good results with. We had the estate sale, got the house professionally cleaned, placed on the market and sold it. Mind you none of us girls lived in dad's state. When he moved into AL, we used the same company to move his things and put a lot in storage until we were certain he could do without them. Then I called Salvation Army who met me at the storage unit and they hauled it all off. Baby steps and a plan. But a senior moving company was a huge help.
You are doing what is best for her. Try to get excited that she will have social activities and be safe. It’s a job, but doable with a plan.
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Reply to Harpcat

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