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We are burned out. She is 84.And my two young adult sons and I decided to move in with her.My Father passed away Feb 2016. None of my siblings would step up to the plate and help. We have been living with her for five months now.She has some dementia,OCD and narcissim going on. She barely sleeps . Nothing makes her happy. Sometimes I think she wants people to feel sorry for her.She is not in real bad shape healthwise. Labs ok. She is slowing down though. WE ARE BURNED OUT. I do not even feel like I can keep the bathroom sanitized enough. Because she is stubborn with some of her hygiene. I am starting to maybe think my father did most everything in the house when he was alive. She wont even put her dirty clothes in the dirty basket. She is fussy. Always has been.And dont even go there with the narcissim.The last two or three birthdays my father had at home. Do you know she just kept bringing up hers was soon?Right in front of his birthday cake!!!!!!When she uses cups, bowls etc. She will rinse them QUICK (NO SOAP) and put them anywhere in cupboard. Gross. I am not even going to tell u more about hygiene. Its disgusting. My hands permantly smell like bathroom cleanser
Could talk for hours. But I would like some opinions from people. All of 2016 here will be impossible! WE REFUSE TO BE DRIVEN INSANE. I do all i pissibly can and have gotten NOWHERE. We are miserable!!!

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It could be a number of things, but if it is dementia, it will progress. She may be not washing her dishes properly or using good hygiene, but that is likely to progress to other more risky things if it's dementia. My cousin started out that way. Dementia patients often are not nice to be around, they may pick fights, falsely accuse, show no appreciation, be demanding, lie, and use poor judgment. The brain prevents all that.

I would have her evaluated by a doctor, if possible. Let the doctor know of her behavior in advance or hand him a memo with a list of symptoms at the visit. Regardless of the diagnosis, I would keep check on her, even if you move out, because she could be vulnerable to strangers, financial abuse, leaving stove on, wandering, forgetting to pay bills and have utilities and insurance canceled. It's like expecting a five year-old to run a household. It will get to that point, if it's dementia.

Do you have Durable Power of Attorney and Healthcare POA so you can handle her affairs?
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This sounds so much like my own mother. My mother had a history of being lazy. She let the house go. She rinsed dishes, instead of washing and never cleared the drainboard. I doubt she cleared it for many years, but just reused dishes from the drainboard. There was really no changing her, so I didn't try. The only thing I could do is clean things to my own satisfaction. She likes it pretty well, since she has her own personal daughter-servant, so doesn't have to do all the things she doesn't like to do. I have a feeling that you would be looking at the same situation if you stayed. The only thing you can do is decide if you're willing to face the emotions that go with staying or if leaving would be more healthy for you. If she is in fairly good health, perhaps you could move nearby so you can check on her frequently and help her in small ways. I know the misery you are feeling and know that the second option would probably sound the best to you and your sons. I don't envy what you will be going through while you sort this thing out.
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I never remember to get all my comments in one post. It's a flaw....

My mother has bi-polar, the cluster B personality disorders, anxiety, depression, and dementia. I had to exert a good deal of executive decision making over her and her care to ensure she was safe and I had a home to get away from her.

Let me encourage you to be confident and strong, bold when necessary to do all the things you will need to do to get your mother into care. No, you absolutely cannot remain in the same house as her for another moment.

What makes her happy and satisfied may not be the right answer for her safety and wellbeing. Mad comes & goes with narcissists, as you know, so just be ready to be the bad guy from now on. You probably already were.

I did not give mom any choices about her arrangements. My husband & I decided what was to happen and got it done. It helped that I was listed on her checking account already. We found a place, paid her rent from her account, and moved her in. Yes, there was drama. It was 100% worth it.
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This woman needs to be evaluated for dementia ASAP. This is not optional. DO IT. There is no discussion about it at all. Dementia and mental illness will look alike at a point. (My mother has both). However, mental illness is not degenerative as dementia is. Things get worse and worse with dementia.

If it's solely mental illness, then social services needs to be involved in what happens next because either way, she can't live at home alone. She may need the court to appoint a guardian for her. It does NOT have to be you.

Her behaviors are classic for a dementia sufferer. You can't respond effectively if you don't know what's going on with her. A doctor must do the diagnosis.

At some point, she will need to be placed in a nursing home for 24/7/365 care. Please do work with a social worker to be connected to the services and assistance in your community. You need to look out for yourselves financially, and that includes a peaceful, safe, stable place to live as well as work.

There is no reason you need to continue as it has been when it's clearly a destructive setup.
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Focus on getting a job if you don't have one, so you can support yourself and your children. Start looking for a place to live, Section 8 housing if you have to, just to get out and reclaim your life.

And start interviewing care agencies who can take over as soon as you leave, if not before. If they're fired after you're gone, that's her choice, not yours.
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You have no obligation, legal or moral, to do hands on caregiving or to live with your mother. That said, plan your exit. Just how competent is she? Can she make her own decisions? (Not necessarily good decisions, but defined by adult protective services as adequate? ) What is her physical health? Too frail to live alone, or not? If she can manage on her own (not necessarily ideally) then you could give her notice and move out. I don't think that that would be neglect or abandonment, but if you stay, then her health could deteriorate to the point where you would have to deal with that issue. If you are concerned her hygiene is dangerous to herself or others, then notify Adult Protective Services that she is a vulnerable elder. As long as you do not live in her home, I don't see that you can be forced to care for her. And frankly, it seems to me to be wiser to work on your own health and future, and that or your children, rather than hitting your head against a wall. Sounds like she is mentally ill and that is not a project for laypeople to deal with.
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