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Our mom is 85 years old. She has significant short term memory lapses, but otherwise seems to have retained much of her mental capacity. Over the last 3 years her ability to care for herself has disappeared almost entirely. Bathroom mishaps are daily. She needs help in the shower. She and the house are developing an unpleasant odor. She is no longer able to safely cook or clean. She has fallen several times in the last 6 months. She has also developed a great deal of aggressive fear, anger and frustration.


Her primary caregiver is my sister; and I am on this forum on her behalf. She is at her wits end. She also has advanced MS. Our mom’s needs will soon (or already have) exceed my sister’s physical and emotional ability to meet.


Over the years, my sister has hired two different in-home caregivers/house keepers. Our mom has run them off. We have also visited many different senior living facilities. We have promising conversations until it’s time to write a check. Mom isn’t going to move willingly.


Question: Is there any way we can move our mom into a senior living facility against her will? If so, what’s involved. We are in New Jersey.

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I placed a lady who wanted to stay at her house at any cost and no matter if it killed me (her primary caregiver). She refused any kind of facility care and even refused a senior apartment back when she was relatively "well." She wanted to remain in her house -no matter what. But she could not do it without me and needed help with EVERYTHING (meals, meds, wound care, you name it....). She was also falling, letting people in the house whom she had never met, calling the cops for no reason. She depended on me for everything and basically saw no problem with it as long as she could stay in her home. She downplayed all that I did for her . Reality was that she needed 24/7 care - which I was not able to provide. She denied that she was hard to care for - insisted she could do it all on her own, but "since you're here, you need to do _____ for me." We tried outside help as well but with limited success. She ended up in the hospital after a fall and that was where I refused to bring her home. Hosp sent her to a nursing home for "rehab" and I again refused to bring her home. I could not care for her increasing needs and I knew it. Reality check. And don't let anyone tell you that you're wrong. Unless she has a large family/friend network or great wealth to hire 24/7 in home care, you're probably correct that it's going to be a facility. That was the situation I was in and that's how I got her to a facility when she did not want to go.
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againx100 Feb 2022
Once they're hospitalized or in rehab, it is much easier to work with the staff there to get the unwilling patient placed in an appropriate setting. Getting them to move from home can be hell.
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The answer to your question is: No. That's because you said she, "seems to have retained much of her mental capacity." That means she can make her own choices, even if they are bad choices.

I'm sorry. I was told the same thing with my dad. I had to wait until he could not comprehend his care before a doctor would agree he couldn't make his own decisions. Until then there was a lot of poop and pee and stink and falling down and 911 and emergency room visits.
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I'm assuming no one is her PoA. If this is the case, is there any chance you may be able to convince her to go to an attorney to get the PoA paperwork in place? Durable PoA would be best if possible. Memory problem would not necessarily disqualify her from creating this legal protection -- the attorney would interview her privately to assess her. Then if she does create the paperwork, schedule a doctor's appointment for her (on whatever pretense you think will get her to go) and once there discretely hand them a note asking to perform a cognitive and memory test, and also check for a UTI. Depending on how she performs on the test, she may still be able to make her own decisions, but then she may not do well on the test and the PoA is then active and she can be placed whether she agrees to it or not.

If no one has PoA and she won't assign one, then guardianship would be the only other option: by a family member or by the county.
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1stly, who has MS - Mom or Sister?
2ndly, does Sister live with Mom?
Advice can be more accurate with these details.

To answer your questio "Against someone's will?" Yes, BUT...
Must be within the law.
(That's where the POA or Guardianship comes in).

DeckApe's situation happens a lot 😕. Things sometimes have to get messy or dangerous before change is forced.

These are the short cuts;

1. The Unsafe Discharge: health event-hospital-rehab-home (if suitable) or longterm care (if not).

2. Mental Health Crises: risk of injury to self or others, extreme fear/paranoia-EMS-hospital-neuro review-capacity testing-home (when stable), rehab or care (if not).

3. The Carer Quits: if the main caregiver gives notice, this can force the person to accept other forms of help. Or force a crises quickly.

To you & sister it may look obvious Mom can't self care.
But lack of insight can happen to elders (& any age with brain conditions/injuries or mental health problems). Anosognosia is the medical term.
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Well I am a caregiver for my mom who has dementia and she recently got to the stage where she wanted to sleep all the time, and wasn't eating very much etc.

I was trying to figure out a way to have her see a physician but there's very few physicians who actually make housecalls any more, so this is what I did:

1. When your mother falls, call the squad.

2. Have the squad take her to the hospital for an evaluation.

And then you should be able to go from there regarding getting her and all of you the help that is needed. The hospital will have social workers who can help you determine and arrange the steps to take.
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