Hi Everyone, for nearly 3 years now, my husband, his sister, and I have seen the rapid decline of their parents who live in Los Angeles (we're in AZ). Their mom is in the mid-later stage of dementia, and her brother is handicapped and is now incontinent. The only mildly functional person in their home is their dad who is 85, but he's declining.
For 3 years, I've taken the initiative and lead on everything: researching in-home helpers, assisted living places there, bringing them on tours, etc. My husband and his sister are just passive and the ball has not moved. Now we're at a 'game over' point. Once again I furiously worked to find 4 beautiful assisted living places 10 minutes from our home here in AZ, and I've already reached out to 8 realtors in Los Angeles about potentially selling their home. His sister texted me and wants to take baby steps with her mom, and not transition her to memory care right away. At this point I'm mentally and physically spent. I just cannot do anymore. I've done all of the legwork for them. She lives in NJ and we're in AZ, so there's no one in Los Angeles to help them. She is their Medical Power of Attorney. Can she forcibly make them move to assisted living? I hope so. I feel like I'm in crazy land. I don't understand their passivity towards their parents and uncle when it's been clear for 3 years that they desperately need help. I'm utterly exhausted.
You need to back away and back out.
You are complaining about how none of this is working.
Yet you are in the thick of it saying what should and should not be done. That won't work.
You have no power.
That means it is time to back away.
As to whether someone can force someone else into care that is a matter for laws of competency. Leave it to the POA to figure out. That is the job of the POA.
Reclaim your own life for your own sake.
But your husband and his sister are not ready to take action.
This may be to the detriment of their parents' care needs.
However, as an in-law (and yes unfortunately an outlaw), no matter how much work you have already done, no matter how much sense you make, your husband, his sister, and their parents may or may not proceed with the most sensible plan.
I agree with the others to take a step back. Give yourself some much needed rest.
My FIL is 82 and I've already nudged my husband to ask his dad about care plans for the future. But he won't budge. Even after my husband watched me care for my parents for the past 3 years.
I have a feeling it will turn into an "I told you so" moment for me, but I'll have to keep my mouth closed, because I'm just an in-law, and my husband is not ready.
Then, let your husband know that, if and when he's ready, the information you compiled is in [a drawer in the kitchen].
That way, your legwork won't be for naught, and he can decide to use it or not.
This suggestion might also relieve you from thinking about all the hard work you've done--to "get it out" on paper, and then put away in a drawer, or wherever, so you can get some peace from this difficult topic.
I know I jump in and do way too much. When I see nobody doing anything, I'm just compelled to try and fix it. After this visit last week, and to still see passivity from my husband and his sister, I agree with you all that they're in denial. All she is focusing on is the money and cost of assisted living and memory care, which I know is huge, but they have plenty of resources - that's the thing. Their home in L.A. is worth $800K (no mortgage), and their parents own a 10-unit apartment complex in L.A. as well (no mortgage) - probably $1 million +. His sister also has an investment home on the NJ shore, and her doctor's salary is $400K+. We make very good income too. Given all of this, I still don't understand why the walls are up. I know for my mental health, I need to completely let this go and let the chips fall where they may. I just fear that will mean all of them dying in that dirty house with bugs.
I know I jump in and do way too much. When I see nobody doing anything, I'm just compelled to try and fix it. After this visit last week, and to still see passivity from my husband and his sister, I agree with you all that they're in denial. All she is focusing on is the money and cost of assisted living and memory care, which I know is huge, but they have plenty of resources - that's the thing. Their home in L.A. is worth $800K (no mortgage), and their parents own a 10-unit apartment complex in L.A. as well (no mortgage) - probably $1 million +. His sister also has an investment home on the NJ shore, and her doctor's salary is $400K+. We make very good income too. Given all of this, I still don't understand why the walls are up. I know for my mental health, I need to completely let this go and let the chips fall where they may. I just fear that will mean all of them dying in that dirty house with bugs.
You do not need to do any more. You have already done more than enough.
This is something for your husband and sister in law to handle, and it is making you crazy that they are not following your guidance.
Your Sister-in-law has the responsibility of making sound decisions regarding her parent's care. If you feel she is not acting responsibly, you could call APS and have them check on the elders in their home. You could petition the court to have your sister-in-law removed as POA. But if your pleading with your husband and SIL is falling on deaf ears, there's not much else you can do here. Step back and let them figure this out. You have already provided them with a wealth of information, which should be helpful for them. You can't force anything here, unless you strip away the sister's POA, and have it assigned to you.
Sending good thoughts for your peace and rest.
I'd step back and let the chips fall where they may. There's really nothing you can do and your mental health is more important.
Tell Sis "baby steps" are long gone, you give up and she's on her own. When Mom has her first bad "incident" (fall, starts a fire, or wandering) that Sis better step up to the plate, specially since it's not YOUR Mother.
It's simple denial, with a touch of "inheritance money worry" thrown in.
You could look up Filial Laws for their state. I found the information below. Everyone in the family seems to be financially well off and able to contribute to getting the proper care for them.
Filial laws, also known as filial support or piety laws, require adult children to financially support impoverished parents who can't support themselves. These laws have existed in various states since the US's founding, based on England's 1601 Poor Act. As of May 2025, the following states have filial responsibility laws:
Alaska, Arkansas, California, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Idaho, Indiana, Iowa, and Kentucky.
While most states agree that children have a duty to provide necessities, the laws vary. Some states, like Nevada, only require payment if there's a written agreement. Others, like Arkansas, only require payment for adult mental care. Connecticut's law only applies if parents are under 65.
Penn is one state that will but it has to be egregious and include things like fraud and it usually is only enforced when a private facility sues a child and includes things like the adult child didn’t help get the patient on Medicaid. There are only 3 cases I could find with a search, and one case is where the parents of a disabled child didn’t help pay.
You tried and now I give you permission to let it go.