I would like to know if you guys think this constitutes therapeutic lying:

I am hiring a nurse to come sit with my mom a few hours a week so that she isn't alone as much. My sister and I are there often but not all the time. Mom (81) has vascular dementia and Alzheimer's but still functioning at home pretty well. She has controlled diabetes and high blood pressure as well as COPD. She's actually in pretty good physical condition but she has fallen a few times and sometimes if she gets on her knees to do something she can't get back up without assistance.

I'm hiring a nurse to be with her but I don't want to tell my mom that the hire is mainly just a companion or "sitter". The nurse will check her sugar and blood pressure, etc., but she's being hired to help keep an eye on my mom. She'll be there for 2 hours once a week.

I want to tell my mom that her dr. is starting up home health again, which she had before, but they discontinued. I HATE lying. But I also hate to make my mom feel like a child. She already feels bad about herself because she can't remember how to cook and she's getting worse...sometimes she can't remember how to make her coffee or use the vacuum cleaner.

What do you think? Any other suggestions? The nurse is starting tomorrow! I thought it would be good to start a nurse now and then increase the amount of time the nurse is there as my mom gets worse.

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Thanks, you guys!! Super helpful. "clutching our pearls"...Lol! Love it! What an image.
You are all right and thank you for responding. Yesterday I went over and had to take away the car keys and hide the matches. She said she had wanted to burn some garbage in the back yard. And I think she tried to make hot chocolate in the coffee pot.
I need to be there more and more and having a nurse help out is crucial in my sanity.
I guess what makes me feel bad about the lying is that I wonder, is it for my benefit or hers. It's both. And I worry about getting caught in a lie and then she doesn't trust me. But she's pretty disoriented and I don't think that's going to happen.
Again thanks for the responses.
Helpful Answer (1)

What about an ALZ Senior Day Program?  My mom attends one daily.  They have so many activities plus down time for relaxing.  She can make some friends and just enjoy her days.  I would make sure there are different levels of ALZ clients so she can fit in with the clients at her level.  You can say the program has asked for volunteers and you thought she would enjoy it, etc.  This is a common ploy to get family members into a program and the programs have no issue with it.  Lying is what we have to do to keep them safe and happy.  Period.  Don't feel bad it just is what it is.
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One thing to remember is that your mother is no longer living in the same reality as you. The things you tell her are to make her reality more comfortable, not to pull the wool over her eyes.

I just watched the original and new Mary Poppins movies back to back. The line a 'Spoonful of Sugar helps the medicine go down..' is applicable when dealing with seniors as well as kids.
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I am so not for lying, but I lie to my mother to keep the peace, to keep her in her little world of not worrying. We have to do what we have too! I think in these cases it is ok!
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I was the last man standing, so to speak, for my parents. I was dealing with dementia and All the other elder stuff. I could get nothing done for them, protect them, or deal with finances if I didn’t lie my ass off.

there was no other way and I never felt any guilt, just reveled in my victories: Getting the carpet cleaned. New dryer installed. Home nurse visit. Sent the car out to get fixed....Forever.

Everyone who came to the house was either an old girlfriend of mine, who just happened to be a nurse, or an old football buddy who just happened to have a cleaning service and so on.

So let’s quit clutching our pearls about lying and do what needs to be done. I mean no disrespect. I just like using that phrase.
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LoopyLoo Mar 2019
You. You, I like.
With dementia I think you have to resort to therapeutic lying. I have had to do that on occasion with my dad who has Vascular Dementia and my mum who has Alzheimer’s.
a) It keeps the peace and they don’t worry
b) If they aren’t worrying or upset about something then they don’t get frustrated and become aggressive
c) It is kinder to you because it removes stress.
I struggled with lying to them as well but eventually realised it was being more kind to them if I did.
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