If Dad needs residential care can we make this decision for him?

Are dad's doctors saying he needs full time care? And there is no one at home to provide it? So the conversation is not "dad, you have every right to refuse care". The conversation is Dad, this is what your doctors say is the right level of care for you. This is one way of accomplishing it. Let's go take a look and make a smart decision". If dad says no he's not going anywhere then you say, well sorry dad, we're trying to help you out here. You trusted us to give us POA because you knew we'd make good choices. If you won't go look and help us make choices, then we're going to have to give up POA and let the government take over. And mean it.

My answer may have seemed harsh, but I'll give you the back story. Two of my Aunts predeceased their husbands who had dementia. In one case, Aunt insisted that she COULD care for him at home. She had a massive heart attack shortly after her children realized he was beating her black and blue daily for the key so he could wander the town. In the second case, Aunt, who was physically frail endured years of physical, mental and emotional abuse from her mentally ill WWII vet husband. She broke her hip; he wouldn't call 911 or anyone else. He dragged her around on a throw rug for three days until a family member stopped by and called an ambulance . She had surgery, did rehab and went back, with aides, into this untenable and abusive situation. My brothers and I were not going down that road. We saw first hand how both Uncle's thrived in Assisted Living/memory care and we weren't prepared to go down the "I have to stay in my home" route, seeing as how, in addition to all of the above, chained a vulnerable cousin to his parents' home, as his siblings complained about how he lived there for free.

In my mind, the same way that a child's place is in school, when an elder needs supervision, one of the best options is out of home care.

Your father has the right, at this point, to make his own decisions, even bad ones. Power of Attorney is the power to make decisions on his behalf but your dad retains the ultimate decision making power. Guardianship is the route to being able to make this decision for him against his wishes. Because you have POA, you can use his money to pursue guardianship becuase it is a process for his benefit.

You are in a better position to know whether or not several months of process, thousands of $$$, and the internal familiy strife would be worth it. If there are other alternatives to being able to help, like the link Panapal posted, you might want to try that route first.

Discuss this with your father's physician. He can make a determination if your father is capable to making such decision. He may be able to tell you he wants peas for lunch but not capable about obtaining specialized care. Here, if two physicians complete lacks capacity statements then you can sign him into a long term care facility. What does the POA say, when does it become effective? Contact your local Area Agency on Aging or Bureau of Senior Services, they will be able to give you info in this topic and can make referrals if necessary. I know this isn't easy for family members, but if dad's dementia is worsening he would be safer in a facility than at home. It is very demanding and a 24/7 job caring for someone with dementia. I always worry that those with dementia will go outside in bad weather and get hurt or even die. Do you have other family that can support you in your caregiving duties?

Didnotsignupfor, it seems to me that many of these issues of aging are not addressed in any realistic, wholistic way from a legal perspective - we are just struggling with a lot of ad hoc legal rules that do not work realistically and are not coordinated. Same with mentally ill people being able to refuse medication that would control their illness. Civil right are first so people have the right to make horrible decisions, and it would seem that the only way to deal with this is to fight back. For example, forget about Dad here and think about Mom. Is she being abused? How about calling Adult Protective Services and demand that she be protected from Dad? How about calling the Health Department and reporting a public health danger in the house? Now this sounds mean, but sometimes you HAVE to be mean to get anything accomplished. Dad wants everything to go on as it always has? Well, TOUGH LUCK - it isn't going to.

Dad just needs care, maybe there are other options vs. going to assisted living.

Rovana has some good ideas. I am in the same situation right now and the anxiety may just make me have a nervous breakdown.

Thank you, Rovana. I have considered the things you mentioned - APS or the Health Dept. Actually there was an issue yesterday with Dad taking too much of one of his meds (which has been a concern of mine for some time) and it really scared him and I'm hoping this might be the thing that will push his doctor to push him to allow someone to help him. Something has to be done one way or the other.

Im confused by some saying they were able to sign aomeone in to a facility with the POA and others saying you have to go to courts for guardianship in order to force a move to a facility. Im wondering if the rules/laws are different by state...i have POA for my mom who is 86 and has moderate dementia. She lives alone now and i help with shopping, appts, or whatever else she needs me for. I know this wont last forever though and would like clarification on what will be required when the time comes that i have to force her to move to a facility. Is the POA enough ... i have health and financial POA....or is going through courts/doctors for guardianship required to force a move???