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Caring for a mother in law for the last 8 months she has dementia. Currently taking medication, other family member doesn't help. I'm disabled myself I had 3 strokes a year ago, my husband just lost his oldest son in March to suicide so of course he is in grieving. He is my current in home worker so I feel he is stuck between a rock and hard place. We thought his brother would be coming back to town to continue taking care of her but that is not an option for at least another year. We are so overwhelmed we really could use any advice we could get for the best of all 3 of us.

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I think you wrote us of this recently? My only suggestion is that not everything can be fixed. In some instances we are down to preserving our own lives. Please consider placement now for your MIL. You have tried for 8 months and clearly you are all in danger in this attempt to "do it all".
Consider placement for MIL now. So sorry for this heaping full plate of your.
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Nothing in your description matters IN ANY WAY except that she’s not peaceful and safe and that you and your husband are suffering as well.

THERE ARE NO EASY SOLUTIONS, but if you can find a residential care setting NEAR ENOUGH TO YOU to be able to get in to see her every few days, you will have peace with knowing that she’s being cared for while you figure out all of the other very difficult sues in YOUR LIVES.

What she SAYS is now meaningless to you, because dementia means she is no longer capable of speaking and listening with meaning. You and DH must learn to disregard painful comments.

If it helps, think of her as a needy child. A child says hurtful things because they are not yet in control of what they are thinking or saying. Dementia creates the same disruption in logical thought.

Under 24/7 observation, medication may be helpful with relieving her of her disruptive behaviors, and also give YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND the time you need to help yourselves. CARING FOR YOURSELVES is just as important now as your concern about MIL, and the most loving course you can take for all of you.
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Nurserygirl9 Sep 2020
Please what kind of medication
may be helpful with relieving her of her disruptive behaviors. My MIL has not only excused me and my daughter of selling her clothes, but taking her underwear too. The clothes she is wearing is not hers. Caught her once cooking a plate of sauce on the stove top when I shut off the heat she smacked me...etc. I lost my mom when young and i think I feel obligated to continue to care for her it makes it hard sometimes to just say ok and walk away. To the point me and my husband both sick. She does have mynastinia gravis so is there a medication she could take she 97 and I am thinking nothing that would slow her heart. Please let me know. Thank you
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It sounds like its time for a nursing home or memory care. When your stress level reaches a certain point and you can't do anything to slow it down, its time.
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Sounds like she needs 24/7 monitoring, which means its time for Memory Care or a Nursing Home. Your life will be ruined irreparably otherwise.

Rule of thumb is the second caregiving starts effecting your health it's time for placement.
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Thank everyone for advice she has turned my life upside down I know my husband is overwhelmed me and him knew months ago it was to much for us to handle but he knows she struggled taking care of him and his brother with no help we staying our bedroom she has took over our home her episodes of confusion are getting worse late at night she's up packing her things getting it ready by door waiting on her ride home the confusion of family names goes on and off threw out the day along with counting her money every couple hours even late at night she informs everyone her son only wants her money she is so hateful to him it upsets me when she downgrades him or doesn't remember him I know hes hurting inside i dont know how he manages the fake smile he does get very frustrated with her more and more each day there are no papers written up yet it was so overwhelming we didn't know where to begin
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CM, good find, good site.
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Talk about a lot on your plate. Stroke. Dementia. Suicide. Yikes. My head is spinning so I can only imagine how difficult it is for you and your husband.

Definitely get some in home assistance ASAP. Even if it's a cleaning lady, get it lined up and get some help. Home health aides for your MIL? Someone in general so hubby can get a break from caregiving?

Not sure how advanced her dementia is? Does it warrant being in a nursing home?

Good luck.
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It sounds as though eventually this care will be too much for you and placement may be necessary. Speak of this together, and get used to the feel of it in your mouths. I am so sorry; not everything can be fixed. You have great advice below to look for some answers for "in the meantime".
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This looks like the site you want:

http://www.wvseniorservices.gov/HelpatHome/FAIRFamilyAlzheimersInHomeRespite/tabid/75/Default.aspx

This link is specifically to their page about in-home respite support for families coping with Alzheimers, but the website also has information about all sorts of services for seniors.

Best of luck, please let us know how you're getting on.
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