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I am the POA for my mother who was recently determined by a psychiatrist incapable of making decisions and requiring 24 hour care. I have since placed her in an ALF facility. The first week and a half was positive - she seemed to be happy and relieved to not have to "worry" about these things. Enter this week and I am presuming the reality has set in for her.


She is angry and adamant about asking for all her cards and checkbooks back. ((She is currently $7K in debt with two accounts in collections and only $20K in the bank - a lot of reckless spending when she was on her own)). Clearly, it's not in her best interest to do, especially given her social security barely covers the monthly ALF expense.


Out of curiosity, if she were to get her checks - would she even be able to sign them? I am on all her bank accounts now (thank god!) designated as her POA.

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Would the person that was receiving the check she signed know that she is not the signatory for the account? Is her name on the checks? And I'm not even certain the bank checks very closely on who is doing the signing when a check gets cased/deposited. I had someone create checks that looked like mine and they signed them with a signature that was clearly NOT mine and even had my name spelling wrong and the bank still cashed it. I think it would at the minimum a huge hassle to straighten out any checks that she might sign and then were cashed.

I'm not even sure your POA precludes her from signing her checks; the POA designation gives you the authority to sign for her following her wishes. Using my POA I can sign for my dad as a convenience to both of us but he also can also legally sign things himself.

I know it's hard to have to be the bad guy and have her demand that you return her cards and checks but I think you have to come up with some excuses and keep putting her off until this demand dies down. Tell her the cards were cancelled because of the bills that are due and tell her that you forgot and left the checkbook at home and will try to remember to bring it next time. And keep telling her this over and over until she stops asking.
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I had to place my mother in an ALF after finding her in a very bad state of affairs mentally, physically and financially. I had to take over her checking accounts and they were a mess. Although she was so angry at me, my mother couldn’t even physically write a check. At first I thought I was being nice and I wrote the checks out and then had her sign them although she could barely hold a pen. I did that one time and quickly figured out she didn’t even remember signing any checks and argued with me. Discussing money with her was ridiculous as her dementia caused her to be paranoid and delusional. I had met with the branch manager of the bank and she was very helpful. On the advice of an attorney, I had her doctor draft a “letter of incapacity” that stated my mother was unable to make any safe decisions regarding her care or finances without the help of family. It’s on file with the bank. I canceled all her credit cards and paid off the balances, and stopped all automatic debits for things she was. I longer using. I left the account in her name for a variety of reasons. But I do believe that if she could manage to write one of her own checks and sign it and give it to someone, the bank would have to honor it.

Basically I took over managing her finances. I keep all her checks and there is one debit card: I had the bank cancel the old one and issue a new one (I never use it because I want a paper trail). Eventually she stopped caring about her money as her dementia worsened. In the beginning I felt this constant “guilt” because somehow I had to be so hard hearted about the situation for her own good. After spending a few months straightening out her big financial mess, I soon recognized I was keeping her money safe.
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DO NOT give her access to her accounts. It may be better to try a therapeutic lie. Tell her that her accounts have been hacked and that you are waiting for new debit/credit cards. In about 2 weeks, give her a reloadable "credit/debit" gift card that you reload with a small amount of money on a regular basis. She can use it to buy small items and feel she has some options. If it gets stolen or lost, it won't be a big deal.
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I appreciate everyone’s perspective. I think what I’m taking away from this is at the end of the day, I HAVE TO become comfortable with being uncomfortable - that yes, I am in essence becoming the parent and all of this is in her best interest. Sigh. They tell you it’s hard, but I don’t think you really get it until you’re in it.
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ZippyZee Sep 2021
well said
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There is no reason for her to have her checks or credit cards. All her needs are supplied by the AL and you. For those suffering from Dementia, money seems to be a thing with them. My Mom wanted money because she said one of the aides or resident needed it for something. Which I know was not true.

We all hope that the facilities that we have placed Mom have done good background checks. But like in all things, there are a few bad apples. This is one reason I would not give her checks or her CCs to her. Or money. Theft by an employee. I would have nothing of any value in her room. My Mom had nothing worth stealing in her room.

Tell her the AL does not allow residents to have checkbooks or CCs. Tell her u will bring them next time and hope she forgets you said it. If she does ask after that say "oops forgot them" Time for little white lies to satisfy her.

If you haven't already, freeze her credit cards. And yes, Mom could sign the checks and have them honored. Are you on Moms accts? Ask the bank if there was some way, because of the Dementia, you could stop any checks Mom may sign from being honored. Years ago my uncle was able to do this. He found someone was signing my Grandmother's checks (once in crayon). They gave my Uncle a pin# that he put under his signature. If not on the check, they didn't cash it. Seems Gma had a book of checks my Uncle missed when he took her banking stuff out of the house.

Your POA makes you Moms representative. As such, its your responsibility to protect what assets she has. If by doing that you don't allow her excess to her bank accts and charge cards, so be it.

(You may want to tell her that her cards have been canceled by the Credit Card Companies for non-payment. Not sure if she would understand that.)
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csansonetti Sep 2021
I really appreciate your insight and my apologies to all if my question appears basic. I'm actually quite new to this as this all happened within the past two weeks. Background: I just turned 37 years old, married with a five year old at home. My husband and I had suspected something has been "off" for nearly five years now when two weeks ago, I ended up taking her to the hospital for what I would describe as a "manic episode." This was after I was called by her apartment manager due to her staff noticing erratic behavior (i.e. wandering at night, etc.)

The psychiatrist diagnosed her with a "neurocognitive disorder" - supported by displaying behavior that is borderline mania, pressured speech and flight of ideas. They would not release her without 24 hour care of which my husband and I are not able to provide and luckily, I was able to get her into an ALF that coincidentally is down the street from my home within a few days.

She seems to be more stable now on medication but I still notice the pressured speech, anger and confusion (i.e. She was yelling at me today that she has Medicaid - she doesn't- and that she couldn't be bothered with me and walked back into her room. Then, later texted me that I have no right to have her cards, etc.). But yet, she still remembers that she has been asking me for her check books!

I'm on all of checking accounts now but still waiting on the credit cards so i can get rid of them. My guess is that reality has set in and she is hating that her independence is being taken away.

I'm meeting with the head nurse tomorrow to discuss care plan as I need some help validating these things with her. I know it's my job to be the bad guy now but it doesn't make it any easier. I feel like I have two children! :/
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When my mom went to assisted living, I set up a checking account (joint with me) and got her a debit card. This was a big deal to mom and she was obsessed with not having money. She keeps 100.00 cash in her purse and never uses it but it keeps her happy. I set up a monthly billing with the hair dresser so she doesn’t have to pay each time she gets her hair done (it is weekly). She carries her purse wherever she goes even though she doesn’t use anything in it. She has a check book but I asked her to only use her card if she needs money for lunch outings. She has a friend who picks her up for lunches 2 times a month and mom and her take turns paying. I didn’t tell her I took her checks or her cards. I just did and replaced them with the debit. I also deleted all apps and passwords and created a new email for her for her phone. This was for her protection. After a while mom forgets to charge her phone so i got a phone charger that she doesn’t have to plug, just lay her phone on it. That money/checks/card was a big deal for mom but now that she has what she wants, she is calm and not obsessing. I set myself up to get alerts if she spends 1.00 on her card.
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Please do not be "on" your mom's accounts. If there is significant issues, you will be held liable to pay back any money.
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"Be able" means can she write with a pen. Yes. Also, the finance companies often don't check to see if it is fraud or wrong signature, as long as the money is in the bank to cover the checks. Your mom is ANGRY because of the LOSS of control over her life. So, she WILL yell and scream and throw tantrums. Ask the psych for the best method of COMMUNICATION with your mom when she gets like that. There are, I am sure, many ways to calm her down.. Once, I looked up methods and found that giving them cute little "toys" that work the hands and fingers can occupy their time. It is HARD, VERY hard to grow old, to change, and to not be independent any more. NO, you CAN NOT give her back her cards and checks.
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Others have said it-there should be nothing of value within mom’s ‘reach’.
You, as POA, are to make decisions and do for her as she would have done while in excellent mental and physical health. (I always tried to ask myself “if my mom could see herself as she is right now, what would she do?” She filled out paperwork with her will and I read through that often to remind myself what she wanted and to help me be strong in doing what I know she would have wanted-that’s why she made me POA.)
Keeping her money & things secure and having the best care possible is you doing your part for what she NEEDS.
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The bank needs to tell you how to ensure she cannot write checks. (Probably dual signatures.) They're the ones who'll be honoring checks they shouldn't, so you need to make it REAL clear that they understand she is not competent to sign.

Technically, since you're on the account, too, you could drain it, close it, and open one in your name only with the funds. However, that's probably not the thing to do if Medicaid might get involved someday. (I'm not a Medicaid expert.)

The most practical thing to do is to get all that stuff away from her, but the bank needs to have it in writing as to what their responsibilities are here, too.
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