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I met Joe at our 40th high school reunion. He was widowed three years in a sexless marriage. We met, and he claimed he had a bad memory.
His issues were present but they have gotten worse. He has a dx of Parkinsonism but recently went off his meds with the dr. He has stage 3 kidney disease too. I still love him. He claims he does not. His actions say otherwise. He provides for me financially as I am on disability due to a rear end car accident in 1996. He made me his POA and I am the executrix of his will. He also sees me regulary and feels a sense of pride in helping me with physical things. So often I wonder if he stays with me out of guilt. I can't read him. We were once engaged but due to my limitations and no help from his family, I canceled the wedding. That was 7 years ago. He has problems with being called partner. He's ok with "boyfriend, girlfriend." He claims he does not want to be in a relationship. He was very unfulfilled in his sexless marriage of 25 years. That was almost 13 years ago. He's has emotional problems unrelated to his dementia. He has mild OCD and I see some autistic traits in him as well. It could be the dementia. He does not like when the plan changes. He can't switch gears. He doesn't understand everything he hears. I know he relies on me and I believe in heart he does love me. How can someone say they don't love you. I still love him and am in love with him. I feel guilty dating but we know with his genetics, he'll be in assisted living. We already looked at them in my neighborhood. He's a good looking man. He's gullable. When a lonely new widow from his apartment invited him for dinner he went thinking it was innocent. I made him aware that's how it starts. As a result of that stress, I broke out in hives, so upset he didn't know what it implied. We are o.k. today.
What is normal with love and dementia? Does that just go away with the disease?
Thank you!

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Step back from this relationship. I don’t mean “dump” him, but begin considering him as a friend and not a lover. He sounds conflicted, depressed and confused. He is not committed to you as you are to him if he’s accepting dates from widows. If you actually broke out in hives from this stress, you truly need to realistically examine your commitment to him, what you think his commitment is to you and re-evaluate what you want and whether it involves him. The sexless marriage he was in sounds like it might have been a lot his doing and not his wife's if your history with him serves.

Be less available. He’s off his meds and his condition will worsen quickly. Dementia is a long and painful journey for couples who have been together and dedicated to each other for many decades. You entered this relationship for the second time as he was already on a downward slide. You said your relationship with his family has hit some speed bumps in the past. You broke off your engagement and cancelled your wedding to him. Maybe some leftover bad feelings and hesitancy to commit on his part from your past history?

Do you want to be responsible for him while he declines? CAN you be without affecting your own health? Is it worth it? It’s hives now. If his actions continues to stress you out, this way, next time it could be much worse.

You can have a friendship with him without a romantic relationship. You can love him as a friend without the commitment of romance he doesn’t seem to want.
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lealonnie1 Jul 2019
What a great response!
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Based on your description, he may really want a Caretaker with Benefits. The decision to continue that arrangement is all yours.
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Oh my goodness. I once was in a relationship where the guy could not decide if he loved me for 7 years, even questioned what love is. Now in my marriage I know for sure I am loved and I wonder why I put up with the other guy for so long. You maybe should take this guy at his word. His dementia might be why he doesn't love you, but he apparently does not. Sex is not love. Look elsewhere.
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There is nothing normal with dementia. Dementia effects different people in different ways. Love? Many do not recognise family members.

Your use of the word partner bothers him. Same for many people, I think. Culture got away from husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend because those words are in most cases gender specific. Not something to fret over, for sure. Just agree with him to use terminology he finds is acceptable. Pick your battles.
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Sex doesn't always mean love, especially to a man. Women tend to equate the two, while *some* men think of sex as a physical act only. You say you 'feel guilty dating'.........does this mean you're seeing other people? If so, you shouldn't be breaking out in hives if he's having dinner with a lonely widow from his apartment! Stay good friends while you both pursue other romantic possibilities. I wouldn't want to tie myself down to a man with THIS many issues anyway. At this stage of life, we have to think about our own future, which should include an emotionally available and relatively healthy man.
Best of luck!
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You are a caretaker with benefits, there is no love on his part. sounds like you are both codependent on each other. Have you read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie? If not it might be worth a read.
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