My husband’s father is currently in a skilled nursing home for rehab after a fall at his home. He is insisting on returning to his home. He has been deemed competent. The problem is he really is unable to care for himself adequately. The home is in filthy condition. Mouse droppings every where on everything. He has not done a thing in years,doesn’t bathe wash his clothes, clean,or throw anything away. My husband found bags of soiled clothes everywhere. Apparently he has ordered new clothes instead of washing the dirty ones. Apparently he spends his day just sitting in a chair staring at the wall doing nothing. He has a tv doesn’t watch it.
He is a terrible person has always been so. My husband never speaks of his childhood as it was full of verbal and physical abuse by his Father. That man even molested his daughter for years and other young girls also . Nothing was ever reported. He was even verbally abusive to his wife especially after she had fallen and fractured her hip. When she could no longer wait on him, he told her that she was of no use to him anymore. She told me this herself when she was dying in the hospital from a fall and had 5 broken ribs. We all suspected that he had pushed her causing her to fall but when asked about it by the nurses,social worker and doctors all she would say is “ I don’t want to talk about it”. He even refused to see her when she asked him to come to the hospital and he knew she was dying. Only one of his grandchildren have anything to do with him. My husband has been the only one to mow his 2 acres of grass, weed eat, gather his trash, get his mail, buy his groceries , or take him to the doctor. Also that man will not let his son go into the doctors with him or share anything. My husband has no clue about anything going on.
His father will be 89 in January.
I am so afraid that he will insist on going home. We are having a care plan meeting this week at the nursing home. Can we be forced to take care of him? Right now he can only dress himself with extensive assistance,total care with lower body dressing, is incontinent of bladder, needs extensive assist with bathing,personal hygiene. He really needs 24 hour care. . He fell at home in the bathroom and laid there from about 10 pm til 11 am. He was found by the man who delivers his meal from Meals on wheels. The door was locked but was able to yell for help. This man has a life alert which he did not have on or his cordless phone with him . He also told the ER doctor he had not been taking his medications or eating or drinking as he should. He also has a fracture of his left upper arm. His father also wants help but doesn’t want to pay for it. What should my husband do? He has never gotten along with his Father for years due to the abuse and the fact that his Father never tells him anything or only speaks to him when he wants him to do something for him. I feel like we are in a nightmare. During this meeting I plan to tell the care plan team that we are not willing to care for his father, especially any personal care.
Stand firm and strong: you aren’t qualified to care for someone with these issues. Say what you plan to say. Say it over and over. Do not let anyone insist.
The man needs to be in a care facility and that’s that.
Good luck.
They tried this my mom, we nearly caved. They made very promise under the sun. They would get her HHA hours, they would cover the hours family could not watch her. They would do the appeal and paperwork required.
They painted horrible pictures of facilities. Some were true, but even still you know your limits stand firm.
How about if he was a sheep shearer in outback Australia?
An accountant? Chef? I dunno,a children's party entertainer?
Whatever his occupation NO-ONE has the right to insist he becomes an unpaid personal carer.
Dad needs a different care plan.
End of.
Does your H do the things FIL wants him to do?
Is it just H and his sister? Does H have POA/HCPOA? If FIL is deemed to be competent, is H still being looped in at the hospital and then rehab as if H makes the decisions?
H needs to back off completely, and refuse ANY involvement even temporarily. He will be guilted and probably lied to by the rehab in terms of what they will do to "help" H. He shouldn't even be FIL's care manager.
Do you think your H can stand strong and refuse any involvement at all?
But your husband has to stick to it. He cannot give in. Because if he backs off and takes him home, then you won't get the help you need. You CANNOT take him home under any circumstances. You do not have a responsibility to care for him.
And more than that. And I feel like a broken record. No one should ever be responsible for caregiving for their abuser!
They will tell you that you have to take him home. That's because that is the easiest option.....FOR THEM. You do not. But what you do have to do is stand strong and tell them them than you cannot and will not and that it is unsafe for them to discharge him.
Who "deemed" him competent? Is this creep the one telling you this? In the ER or hospital is not where they necessarily determine competency. Usually his primary doc or a neurologist does this.
Your husband has a dysfunctional codependency on his abusive Father. What person in their right mind would continue to engage with their abuser? Your husband needs to see a therapist to identify and enforce strong boundaries against his abuser and anyone else in his family trying to bully him into providing care. Hopefully it has nothing to do with inheritance or money issues. Nothing would be worth staying connected to their abuser. I wish you both clarity, wisdom and peace in your hearts as you diconnect completely and move on with your lives.
Laws of “obligation” vary by state. Look up the legal codes for family care in your state to prepare yourself to ask your lawyer specific, objective questions.
Good luck- tough work to do.
Currently, Pennsylvania is the only state to aggressively enforce its filial responsibility laws."
Source: https://fenelli.com/filial-responsibility-laws/#:~:text=Filial%20responsibility%20laws%20and%20their,enforce%20its%20filial%20responsibility%20laws.
So, since you don't live in PA...
NO -- your husband cannot be forced to care for him.
Tell them that no family member will be providing care due to past abuse and lack of cooperation.
If they say they will have to make him a ward of the state say "yes, that's exactly what needs to happen."
If they say "state psychiatric facility" say "yes, that would be great."
If they promise to find "help coming into the home" say "no thank you."
Do NOT take him home, not to his place or yours, not even for an hour. You want a facility -to-facility transfer, because then he jumps the waiting lists.
Have you father evaluated for 24/7 care. If found he needs it, tell the Social Worker that you cannot care for him. That he will need to transfer to Long-term care. Tell them he is an "unsafe discharge" because he lives alone and cannot care for himself. No one can make u physically care for another. You take what money he has and use it for his care, aboutv3 months before he runs out, apply for Medicaid.
I may ask Office of Aging to document his home or Adult Protection Services. You can use the documentation to prove an "unsafe discharge". He may be competent but he is 24/7 care and no one to do the caring. From what you have written, there is some decline here.
You mentioned 'nightmare'.. I hope you awake with renewed strength & confidence in your boundaries.
It took me 15 months to get her out. I finally got the knowledge that you are getting now, but it was too late for me, don't let it be too late for you.
But all ended well, she is in an AL now. I have my life back. But it was not easy to get her out, but I did it and I will never be tricked again into caring for her.
I myself come from an abusive and dysfunctional family backround.
DO NOT let your husband assume responsibility for his father. IT'S NOT WORTH IT!!! His life and yours will become horrendous if he does. From what you describe him as here, he does not deserve a moment of your husband's help, energy, or care. So don't give him one.
You go with your man to the care plan meeting at the nursing home.
Bring some pictures of what his home is like. Then your husband should tell the nursing home that he will not assist with his father's care needs and that there needs to be a conservator/guardian/ POA appointed for his father and he is unwilling to take on the responsibility.
Your husband must speak to them very plainly that is emphatically unwilling to help or take on any responsibility. He needs to stop cutting the grass. You both need to stop collecting the mail and taking out the trash too. DO NOTHING!
The nursing home will not set him up with 24-hour homecare. They are greedy for his money and are not going to help it get handed over to anyone else. Least of all a homecare agency.
Who "deemed" him competent? Any nursing home doctor can change that in a second. My own father was "deemed" incompetent and diagnosed with Alzheimer's by a nursing home doctor who never even saw him. So, if your FIL is not going to have any family support if he goes home and is also not willing to pay for 24-hour homecare, he will get placed.
Make sure they know that neither of you are going to help him and that if they are going to release him they'd better have APS and the police do wellness checks on him. Also, they will have to provide transportation home for him because neither of you will pick him up.
Truly, DO NOTHING for him and he will get placed. If he gets sent home which is unlikely, he will not be home for long.
My FIL is a child abuser and child rapist. Like your husband the older son decided to be a decent person and mow his abusers grass when he moved close by him (just coincidence).
The abuser never thanked him and pretty much treated him like dirt (same as when he was a child this time without the physical abuse and the older brother suffered horrific abuse from this subhuman). Thankfully the older son only mowed the grass one time but that was enough for him to see this abuser was still abusive and would never change.
Now whenever older son sees his abuser drive down the street he flips him off. Which is awesome for so many reasons. It makes my husband and I wish we lived there too so we could do the same thing every time we see him.
Anyway my point is your husbands father is using him. He is incapable of love or any other human emotion. Husband does not and should not ever take care of or assume responsibility for his abuser.
I am so sorry that your husband grew up with such a POS father.
Did he ever go to prison for his abuses and crimes? Child rape is a pretty big crime.
I'm glad to hear that the older brother does not mow his grass and flips him off when he sees him on the street/
I say good for him.
First...
When it comes time to discharge your FIL anyone that is present must say.."I can not care for him" "I can not provide a safe place in my home and he is not safe in his home" You might also want to take photos of his home and show the living conditions that he thinks is acceptable. This might prove to the facility staff that he truly is unable to care for himself and there may be some cognitive issues as well.
If you or your husband are doing anything to help FIL STOP
To provide help is making it seem like he is independent. He may not even realize how dependent he is on others.