Can money be taken from a loved one's bank account to go towards a larger home so that they can live together with family?

That question can be very complex. The way I see it, your boy friend's father is 96 and in his near final stages of Alzheimer's.... moving someone who has Alzheimer's can be very difficult because they don't like change.

It is wonderful that your BF is caring for his Dad, but there will be a time in the near future where your BF will need to care for his Dad 168 hour a week, quitting work unless he hires professional caregivers to come in to help or he placed his father in a care facility. Paying for 2 or 3 shifts of caregivers can eat through the father's funds rather quickly.

Professional help can be expensive. If I were in your BF's shoes, I would wait to see what this year brings regarding Dad's health. Whatever money his Dad has might be used up for his final years of care.

Then I question having a 13 year old child in the household, as stage 6 of Alzheimer's the patient's personality could change [more the norm than not according to articles I have read], that sweet lovable old guy become combative, sometimes violent... he will forget who you are, and think you are strangers there to hurt him... he will become parodied, thinking everyone is out to get him. He will sleep all day and be up all night trying to get out of the house, etc. Do you want your child to witness that on a daily basis?

Go to the top blue bar near the top of this page... click on SENIOR LIVING... now click on ALZHEIMER'S CARE... now scroll down to the various articles... read through those articles to get a better idea what the family will need to plan ahead.

I don't know if it's legal or not but the line between what's ethical and what's not ethical is kind of blurry. Your boyfriend needs his dad's money to build a new home but the dad isn't able to give his consent. I'm not sure if using dad's money for a venture he can't consent to is moral. That he'll be living in the house too doesn't really matter. The house is so you two can be married and live together. The dad is 96 years old with a terminal disease. The house isn't for him.

Because the dad can't make rational decisions you might consider just waiting until the money comes to your boyfriend after his dad passes instead of spending it now while the dad isn't able to have any say so over where his money goes. Spending someone's money when they are mentally unable to give consent sounds wrong. I'm sure your boyfriend's motives are good but I can see your point that it might feel like stealing. At the very best it sounds like taking advantage, at the very worst it sounds like stealing. Like I said, the line is blurry.

I think something as serious and complex as a move to a new home would be difficult on anyone in the late stages of Alzheimer's Disease. I'm sure more confusion, possibly agitation, would result.

Beyond that, I do have an uncomfortable feeling about using the father's funds for a new home that would benefit him perhaps only for a short time but your BF and your family for a much longer time, even if your BF is the sole heir.

The fact that BF's father likely wouldn't understand the plans makes me feel more uncomfortable about the proposal.

Beyond that, there's the issue of building vs buying. To build, your BF would have to have at least enough for a construction loan and then a permanent (a/k/a "takeout") loan, unless he finds a lender to finance both. He'll need a perc test, need to get permits, find an architect and builder, and then there's the almost inevitable unforeseen consequences of building and possible delays. One of those could be an acceleration of the father's mental and physical decline.

Unless this land has very special meaning, the possibility exists for him to sell the land and use the funds for a down payment on a house that could accommodate all of you. It would still be hard on his father, but it would be less protracted than building And if the sale of the lot provides enough money for a down payment on the house, you wouldn't need to dip into the father's funds.

Others more familiar with Medicaid will come along and caution about this kind of use of funds in the even the father might need Medicaid. That's not an area in which I'm as knowledgeable so I'll just leave that to the others here.

When I see these kinds of questions, I ask what I would do in those circumstances and whether I would consider it inappropriate. If it were my situation, I wouldn't feel it inappropriate to do this for my father; however, I would also be very concerned about disrupting what already is likely a chaotic view of life.

FF's advice to study the progress of the disease is excellent; it will help you get a better idea of what to anticipate.

I think it would be a little dicey to use dads money to build a house. Having POA doesn't necessarily give The son ownership of the money. The intent of the POA is for a responsible person to be able to take care of the affairs of someone who can no longer do so. An interpretation that a new house is taking care of affairs is a huge stretch.

I agree with the previous advice, wait till the money is freed up then build or buy a house. BTW, I've bought homes and I have built homes and in today's market building a new home is far, far more expensive.

Thanks for your comments. Much appreciated. BTW, this was my idea, not my BF's. I'm just trying to figure out a way that we can be married before his dad passes. We've been together almost 4 years and he doesn't think it possible for us to marry until then. I'm tired of not being able to spend my day-to-day life with him. My mother recently passed and i have no other close family members that I talk to or see on a regular basis. I'm lonely and want to start our life together. I hate not knowing when that will be. and i feel that wishing that we can marry is also wishing that his dad will pass. Very difficult situation.

"We've been together almost 4 years and he doesn't think it possible for us to marry until then". Am I the only one who sees a red flag in this position?

Yes, I've been through the whole "I'm crazy for waiting for him" thing. I know what everyone thinks. But only I know all the facts and other issues involved. And I chose to wait. Even though it is hard. This is not the issue I wished to discuss. Only the legal/moral issue of using his dad's money for a house. I, personally, thought it was kind of shifty, but I wanted to get some other opinions on the issue. And I think you all for your input. I know I would never be able to convince my BF to do this, but I was just curious as to if it was even an option. I knew it was pretty far out there. The answers I recieved were the ones i pretty-much expected. Thanks again.

I know you said you didn't want to discuss this but for my sake and situation can I a little? my son and gf were also talking about getting married; they got engaged last - well, now, Christmas before last - well, okay, I know I'm getting convoluted here, not sure I really do know when they actually planned on getting married but anyway, right after Christmas, like the Saturday after, he had a fall - which, btw, did come as a result of him trying to get out of the house and yes, with his sleep patterns having gotten all messed up, although something possibly had triggered some muscle memory because that morning he had gotten up just like he used to at 6AM; it's just that he'd also probably been up through the night as well and grandson had finally gotten so exhausted from it that he'd gone into a deep sleep and didn't hear him; not really sure what even woke him up at 7 AM to go look for him and find him; anyway, long story short, he ended up passing away about 2 wks. later from that, while they'd been expecting him to live another 5 or so yrs., which, that's where I'm somewhat confused myself but I think they, too, weren't/didn't think they could get married either until he passed away, which I didn't understand myself. To be honest I saw red flags for her because honestly I really think it was him as well but she was choosing to wait as well and I think I know why but maybe there's more to it than I know but one thing I do know - or at least think I do, guess can't really be sure since they actually haven't said one way or the other, but don't think they're married yet and it's been over a year but also will say this that not long after he passed away, since I let him stay in the house - and, yes, I got it, not him, and it was supposed to be only temporary, but that's a long story - he moved her in or maybe I should just say she moved in

Don't get me wrong, debdaughter, I do have my inhibitions about this situation, as well. I don't quite understand exactly why it is that he feels we can't be together until after his dad passes, either. Some of his family members that I have talked to don't, either. Sometimes I think it may just be him, too---that he just doesn't want marriage. That he just wants someone there for him, but he doesn't want the commitment of marriage. He also has expressed the importance to him to be able to purchase a nice ring and provide me with a nice wedding. He doesn't have the funds for that right now because he only works part time. He also has expressed the possibility of building a house on his property. Although he did not list this as something he needed to do before we get married.

Welcome back, waiting. It sounds like the situation has not gotten any better than it was a while back. If your boyfriend's father is against spending the money, then it would not be legal for a POA to do it. It would be abuse of power for the purpose of personal gain. Even if it were considered a loan, it would be questionable, since the size of the loan would make it difficult to pay back in the father's lifetime. His father would have to be competent to consent to the loan, so that could go back and forth logically.

The thing that really stuck out to me is that you don't have to live in the same house to be married. I am surprised that you guys are not married already, since he visits you often. I hope that things work out for you guys, but I'm starting to wonder if you put all your eggs in a basket that has a hole in it.

waiting, I know that his gf, somewhat before this, asked me if I thought he would ever marry her; I just know that after what he went through the first time, as well as another situation oh, and others, just long story, he said he'd never marry again, but then he'd also said he'd never even get into another relationship either and at the time, not even really sure he considered himself in one as much as she supposedly did anyway at the time, so what do I say; did seem that things got better and he did buy her a nice ring when they supposedly got engaged; between there she had gone to work but then she had a bad wreck that don't understand how she wound up supposedly at least getting a big settlement out of - what don't understand, well, what did understand was that it supposedly was her fault and she is the one that hit the other vehicle and by running a stop sign to do it but supposedly there were extenuating, mitigating circumstances, like the road was wet from where it had been raining but then she was supposed to have been speeding but she was a home care aide and supposedly going from one client to another, which this agency was known for booking pretty close to make it pretty impossible to make your times without it; you just had to be firm, like dad's was, but anyway supposedly she was also texting as well but also anyway supposedly she hadn't even shown up at a client's and/or wasn't even on the route but also supposedly that client did vouch that she was there but there were also posts that she had gone by somewhere else in route from that one to the next one and "taken care of some 'personal' business" that was in question and would also have something to do with their relationship; anyway said all that to say don't know how but she was awarded a settlement, just not sure how much then went to hospital bills because she was hurt pretty bad, to the extent she had to be lifeflighted out of state but anyway, point of all this is that money was what was supposed to be used to pay for a nice wedding so at least when got engaged they were still waiting on that, which was some of the issue, plus even as I somewhat began to find out that she supposedly had gotten it even though they weren't telling me anything about it they then were supposed to have had this "nice wedding" this past Christmas but, again, as far as I know, it didn't happen; I only just yesterday and then not direct to me, got the message directly from him that she even has any money, but nothing about a wedding; no, actually about a house, which was also something that was supposed to be done with that money, but, like you, or rather, him, not related to them getting married. He certainly couldn't provide much of anything, except how did he manage to even come up with the ring, since "all", in that sense he was doing was getting paid to take care of dad, although, like your bf, he was also living there for free. Are you working?

But that was her purpose in wanting to get married

He's all I have now that my mom has passed away. I'd have nobody at all if I lost him.

Don't you have a daughter?

Yes, she's 13, and is the light of my life. But I also need an adult in my life. My mom was my best friend and now that she is gone the family is pretty-much split apart. Mom was the glue and, well, the glue is gone. Long story. I have 4 brothers but they all live quite far away and spread out in all different directions. My best girlfriend moved out of state, and I don't have anyone else that I'm close to. With out my BF I'd probably lose it.

Waiting, getting married because you are lonely is not the right reason. And it is not a good idea to make a decision like this after the loss you have experienced. And I would not take a 13 year old girl away from her friends and school into a siuation that is a complete unknown as far as BF's dad is concerned. Keep your daughter as the light of your life, find some activities for yourself to start meeting new people and make some friends.

I wanted marriage way before my mom passed. And, wouldn't you be lonely if you lost your spouse? I don't get it why people say you shouldn't marry someone because you want to be with them and you are lonely without them. I think that is the reason most people get married. They want someone to share their life with. I've lived alone for 5 years now, and I know I can do it alone, but I'd rather not. Not to mention the fact that I love him. I a shy and it's hard for me to make friends. My daughter and I do a lot together.Pretty-much everything.

I think they're trying to say it's different when you have a, especially a 13 yr. old daughter; she needs to be considered and especially when you throw his dad into the mix as well

Waiting, most people do not get married because they are lonely. They get married because they have found someone that they want to share their lives with and they see growing in the relationship and themselves. I have married out of lonliness before, and it was not the right thing to do. It only served to increase my problems.

We have been together 4 years. If I don't know him by now, I never will! I love him and know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I have known this for a long time. Loneliness is just one of the many reasons I want marriage. Certainly not the only reason. Anybody who has found the one they want to spend the rest of there lives with wants to get started ASAP. There is nothing wrong with that. That's normal.

I disagree, they want to do it ASAP, otherwise Las Vegas would have many more marriages than they do and many of those end in divorce because of the ASAP attitude. Couples plan and get married when the time is right for both of them independent of the other. And the time is not right for your intended, it seems.

agree, glad, many people who want to get married are willing to wait for many reasons

The following is for educational and informational purposes only and should not be considered legal advice. Consult appropriate professionals.

Relationship issues aside, be mindful of possible asset transfer consequences with respect to qualifying for Medicaid if it is required in the future.
In general, an agent operating under a Power of Attorney must be acting in a "fiduciary capacity" for the principal. In other words, acting in the best interest of the person who granted the power. If the document permits the activity you are proposing there should be not problem.

With respect to potential Medicaid benefits, simply using father's money to build a new property that is not titled to him could be an issue as it would be considered an uncompensated transfer and therefore create a penalty period before Medicaid benefits will be available.

The uncompensated transfer issue may be solved by father purchasing what is known as a "life estate" in the new property giving him the right to live there for the rest of his life. He must then live in the property for at least one year for the transfer not to be considered subject to penalty.

Rules vary by state. An appointment with an elder law attorney would be beneficial.

I don't think he wants to put any of the burden of caretaking on me, and he doesn't want my daughter to have to be exposed to it. That is smart, and for the best, but it doesn't make it easier to be apart.

Power of Attorney. His dad is trusting his son to make decisions on his behalf. If the dad did not have Alzheimer's, would he consent to his son using all of his money to buy a bigger home? If his dad wanted a bigger home in the first place, they would already be in one. The money belongs to his dad. This money should only be allocated for his dad's care.

Please understand, I tend to be blunt. Comments above regarding the daughter witnessing all of this is important also.

Besides... if this fellow wanted to marry they would have already done so. He may be just buying time and not want to deal with a new life, new wife, new daughter and be responsible for the caregiving of his dad. It may be just too overwhelming to handle.

Wait and see. Dad may live a lot more years and every penny will be necessary to care for him.

There are money issues, too. BF only working part time, he only has enough money to maintain his current possessions and a little left over for necessities--property taxes, car insurance, phone bill, gas, food, clothes, etc. He has money, but it's tied up in investments and he can't touch it until he's retirement age.

Deep down I know it just isn't possible to be married and be living in the same household together. It just wouldn't work, financially, and also as far as his dad and my daughter are concerned. But, I was determined to try and find a way. I don't think I would want to have to deal with his dad, and that's what I (and my daughter) would end up doing. It would not be a very pleasant situation even if we were able to get a larger house. And, I know that is what my BF is trying to avoid. He doesn't want me to have to deal with his dad. He feels his dad is his responsibility and I shouldn't have to be burdened with it. That's very sweet, but he thinks he can do it alone.....NOT! He has been, for years, but now his dad is most likely in stage 6 and has been getting into more trouble than usual.

He burnt up the microwave last week! Of course, he didn't know what happened and it wasn't him that did it....he can't remember from one minute to the next. So trying to get information about what happened is frustrating, to say the least. His dad has no clue.

His dad forgets to eat and take his medication unless BF is there. Even though BF leaves him a note on dry erase board in huge letters about what he needs to do and when to do it. He still doesn't do it.

His dad has to cath himself twice a day bacause he has prostatitis. He will cath, but doesn't use the anti-bacteria soap he is supposed to use to clean the catheter. He just rinses it out with water. This results in him getting reccurent UTI's.

He can't bathe himself, brush his teeth/partial, comb his hair, shave.

One thing he can still do is walk fairly well. He's very slow, but he can do it. One of the things he's determined about is not using a cane, or anything else to walk. He would rather stay home than go with us and have to be pushed in a wheel chair due to the fact that he is so slow and tires too quickly, which results in us having to always leave an event, prematurely. He knows riding in the wheelchair is a condition of him going with us to events that involve a lot of walking. But, as much as he'd like to go, he will stay home, because he won't agree to the wheel chair. And then he complains because we left him home.....

Sorry, just venting a little, here...

Well, here's my story- I dated a man for ten years, thinking we would someday get married and have a life together. His father lived with him for the first five years that we dated. After his dad died, he still wanted to put off making a commitment because I have a son with Aspergers, and he didn't want the responsibility of helping me raise him. When both of my children were successfully raised and off at college, he found another excuse, and another girlfriend.
If your BF wanted to marry you, he would find an appropriate facility for his dad, and work full time to fulfill his own life. Then you could have a life together.
I learned my lesson the hard way. Fortunately I don't regret it, as I still have my parents (94 and 88), four loyal chihuahuas, and a job that keeps me busy.

The father may get to the point the son can no longer take care of him. I just looked it up and there are 7stages of Alzheimers. He is close he may need nursing care. Any money he has will go towards his care the house will need to be sold if his. I think the best thing is to bide your time. If the father goes to a NH or passes you should give your boyfriend some time to get his life on track. Being a caregiver is stressful enough and holding down a job. Does he want to marry or you. If its more you, give him some room. As said, this is not a good situation for a 13yr old. Any time your boyfriend has will be for his Dad.

My Uncle had a girlfriend who wanted to get married because she was lonely, Unfortunately before they married he passed away, she ended up with all his properties. He had six months before his death changed his will and named her as sole beneficiary..So my suggestion is wait your turn..

My dad's been gone a year and a half now and as far as I know, he and his gf, who they supposedly got engaged just right before my dad wound up in the hospital for the last time and died less than a month later, haven't gotten married yet; just saying