Hey all, a few of you may remember my previous posts about my grandmother who broke her arm, and only a week later had a massive stroke.
The past few days have been a nightmare. Though she is doing well, and in physical therapy (much to her complaints) the nurses and social worker are saying they can only treat her for 21 days and then have to send her home, regardless of her condition!!! It is just her and I here with no family support, and I KNOW I am not physically or mentally capable of caring 24/7 for a partially paralyzed dementia patient. The issue is, her daughter (my mother) has POA, and (with the doctors backing her up) has basically told me "oh, you'll do great! You always have. We believe in you" aka "we are going to take away the next 5-10 years of your life and you have no say in the matter."
I have talked to the area on aging, her doctors, and even a couple of elder care attorneys, voicing my concerns only to be told the same thing, without POA, I have no say in her care.
I am sick to my stomach, crying frequently, and scared out of my mind. Can they really dump full responsibility on me with no recourse? Am I able to just refuse and move out to let them figure it out? I know this must sound really selfish but I have been caring for my family since I was 11 years old, even up to when my grandmother has the stroke, and I honestly feel that they are not taking mine, or my grandma's health and safety into consideration.
I'm only 27, and even if it's a late start, I still have some chance of making a future for myself. Right now I feel like I'm standing before judge and jury waiting for a death sentence. I feel horrible for essentially punishing my grandma for something out of her control, and other people's lack of empathy, but I feel like I'm losing my mind, and am afraid for both of us if I get forced into this. And sugestions are welcomed.
No one can force anyone to care for another.
You need to tell the doctors, social workers that you are unable to care for her full time and that the matter should be discussed with the POA,
It might be that you need to step away for a bit let your mom take charge (and from your previous posts I am using that term loosely) when things seem like they are getting a bit worse contact Protective Services and they will step in. For you to step away for a bit might mean having to go away for a bit. (visit a friend). And you might have to do this while she is still in rehab.
Unfortunately sometimes a catastrophic event must occur before things change
On the other hand it's not true that you have no say in your grandmother's situation. You can contact Adult Protective Services and your county Ombudsman and report that the PoA may not be acting in the best interests of her mother because she will not make arrangements for your mother to be cared for post-discharge. I believe she'd be better off in a nursing home than with homecare because home care aides are notoriously irresponsible when it comes to being attentive to the needs of persons with dementia.
Do you have a support network? Sounds like you need a caregivers' support group. Good luck.
Good for you!
Your Grandma needs care that you cannot provide. If you were care giver for your entire family since age 11 - time to check out!!!
Hospital will make sure Grandma is properly placed and you MUST get on with your own life or you will drown. Also since you are not POA it is not legally your responsibility.
Good for you for reaching out to your friends and they are making a private space for you in their home.
I agree with all the commentators here. It does not mean you do not love your Grandma if you leave. She will get the correct care and the hospital has to set that up. And you can always visit her there. Just because you do not live with her does not mean you no longer love her or care for her.
You are wise to investigate the legal aspect of moving ASAP.
When the hospital thinks there is someone home, they will send the person home.
You are not the POA and so LEAVE. You are correct to send a letter stating you can no longer care for her properly. If you get too stressed out or ill - hey - simple as that - how can you care for her? You are saying the truth - this is too much for you physically and also medically. They will just dump it on you. They really don’t care about your welfare.
Just get out and live your own life.
I have to say, I have given care to many relatives in my life. When people become accustomed to you “being around” for that, it will always be assumed you will continue in that role.
What would happen if you needed care? Who would be there for you? Sounds like no one.
27 is not too late for a restart at all. You can stay with your friend and his Dad. I am sure they will be thrilled with one home cooked meal a week It sounds like they are busy, hardworking men who will hopefully respect your privacy too. Personally, I am absolutely sure they will be happy to have such a fine person as yourself in their home and it is generous of them to offer you a place.
As soon as you get a job, just keep on your own path and move forward. I do not know what type of career or education you have, but it certainly sounds like you are a very capable and hardworking young lady. I am sure whatever you dream of you can accomplish.
Be proud of all you have done for your family. That is a GREAT thing you have done for them. Never forget it, even if they do.
I was a caregiver for many years and when the time came for someone to help me, no family in sight except for one elderly relative who I had helped many times.
She remembered, but no one else remembered or now remembers any good deeds I did for them in the past.
So YOU remember it and don’t let them send you on a guilt trip over it.
Go Aquacrush!
Please keep is posted!
if you can find another safe place to stay (which is really hard in a lot of places) don't stay where your at. they will just use you like a slave and leave you with out nothing after there done. they'll use you as free slave labor if you don't get out of that situation. At first they might seem nice and say what a good job your doing (when there in need of free labor that is) then all of a sudden without warring your "family" turns against you and spreads lies about you and then everyone in your family treats you bad and before you know your trapped.
They will start to control everything in your life or try to, thus the trap.
Don't worry if someone is not there caring for a elderly person, I think aps will come and find care for the person, but they will decide who is the guardian and who makes all the decisions they might put her in a nursing home but
your mother could just suddenly decide to do that anyway.
if your mother is the guardian legally, if she leaves your grandmother, then that
will be considered abandonment. Since your mother is the POA then she has full legal responsibility. You don't have legal responsibility, therefore they can't force you to stay.
If you didn't not want to move and you have other means of income, I would suggest you get a setter (if you can find one) that is on your side no matter what.
If you do leave which legally you can (but it might be impossible) your not legally responsible since your not the guardian, however I am not to sure of this but I think, once your financially stable and have a your own home that is safe for your grandmother, and show that you can care for her then you might could try to go back and fight in court to be your grandmothers POA. if you want to when your financially stable enough, you can hire in home care for your grandmother. however your mother might not give up the having the POA but if you want when you have a home and are financially stable, you can ask your mother for the POA or fight for POA.
good luck to you!
Coming in late. Just please know ... I. Am. PRRROOOUUUD of you!
HUZZAH!!!
Crushing it is a common expression used when someone is doing their job particularly well, or exceeding all of their goals. Unlike the the literal definition of the word “crush” (to destroy with force to the point of injury), “crushing it” has an extremely positive connotation.
I read your avatar as "Parenting the Odd".
We should have an AC Hall of Fame for those caregiver's needing out who made it in time!
I noticed, on AC, some posters are supported through their caregiving, and others are advised to leave and get a life. It is not random, it is not by accident, it is maybe a miracle of loving others. Plus that, the OP listened and was strong!
Congrats!
I will disagree STRONGLY with YOUR COMMENT that YOU are being selfISH. You are rather being self aware, self concerned, and self caring.
CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR AMAZING SELF EMANCIPATION!!!!!
Just read all this in one quick scan!
GOOD FOR YOU GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So many people get stuck in the role of 'caregiver' because they simply don't KNOW how to get out. You did!! Hurray for you.
And tell your mother to grow up. I have zero tolerance for parents who don't PARENT and then lay guilt on the kids for not 'doing better' or whatever.
Good luck with the future. You have proven yourself tough and strong.
And BTW, nobody can go after you for abandonment of an elder--they's go after your mother first, and honestly, those cases never really see the light of day. I swear they are just used as threats.
{{Hugs!!!}}
This is a big step for you. Love that you know u need some counseling.
So glad you found a place to go. A place to land at the end of the day.
Your Gma will be fine. There are now people involved. I am so happy for you. Come back with updates.
I am SO HAPPY for you and frankly, proud of you, girl! Just reading your updates, the wise action you have taken, the people who care about you... just wow. You are going to be just fine:)
Grandma has nothing to forgive you for... thank you maybe, but not forgive. My grandparents were an integral part of raising me too. At the end, after I had cared for her for a year, turned on me, and I had to step back the way you are. I was very young, only 19. I knew nothing about dementia and the weird workings of the broken brain. All I knew is that she had been like a mother to me, my rock, and that relationship flipped quickly and painfully. At the end, I know she felt like I deserted her, even though I would still visit.
I had to come to terms with that and look at it logically, rather than emotionally. I KNEW she loved me... I KNEW she had always wanted a better life for me that she had and always wanted what was best for me. Being her broken brain’s punching bag was not best for me and stood directly in the path of me having any kind of healthy life. I had to look at it from that perspective.
I also had to realize that I couldn’t fix her. After being in this forum for a couple of years, I think that is one of the hardest realizations for a caregiver to come to. Aging is hard. Very, very hard. And we are so used to having control over our lives. But some realities can’t be fixed. They can be mitigated. You can love people through them. But we are not the Master of the universe... sometimes we have to lay it down.
And some people are conditioned to guilt because that is the tool others use to maintain their own control. Your mother’s/family’s need for control is their issue, not yours. Although it will take time to reshape yourself and your life, you can lay that down as well.
You are doing an excellent job of both already. Come back here anytime you feel your resolve crumbling... this bunch is obviously rooting for you:)
Some days will feel like a breeze and others will be remarkably hard... but I have a feeling that you will stay the course. I will check back on this thread to see how things are progressing.
Hopefully the fallout from your Mom can be waved aside by just saying "whatever", and for you to continue to think this is in Grandmother's best interest so she can get the around the clock care from professional caregivers.
Stay strong and know that you are doing the best thing for grandma and you.
🤗Hugs!🤗
I am soooooo happy that you have been given the gift of a safe home and for home cooked meals. Imagine if you fixed lunches, you would be their goddess!😀
I honestly wish I could thank everyone who responded individually, but I wouldn't know what to say except thank you a million times over. I was crying yesterday reading everyone's replies, and felt a glimmer of freedom for the first time in so many years. Everyone's advice and strength gave me hope.
I called a family friend who is a notery, and explained the situation. With their help I drafted, and had noterized, several dated copies of a letter stating that I was no longer physically or mentally capable of caring for my grandma. That I felt, with the dramatic change in her health, it was a very unsafe situation, and that releasing her back to her home, would be very dangerous as she would be there alone.
Luckily the laws here provide me some protection (because I have lived there for more than 2 years) and I added that I would be moved out within 3 weeks. This allows me to at least have several applications/interviews lined up, if not a job by the time I leave.
I gave one copy to my mother (suprised pikachu face meme), one to the hospital my grandma is currently in, and one to the facility they were originallu going to send her to. I also kept a copy for myself, along with 1 extra copy incase it is needed later for a different facility/ lawyer (yes even after all this the threats of neglect contenue)
The ensuing chaos has admittedly given me some form of grim satisfaction, as the facility they were originally going to send her to was short term only, and cannot accept her without a home care plan. The hospital is now forced to look into other options, and has already contacted my mother about medicaid, assests, ect.
I know one person asked about assests as well, wondering if maybe my mother was after some of her belongings/ money. I can honestly say she has next to nothing. She gets around $1000 a month in social security, no other retirement fund, and a mobile home as old as I am that has fallen into disrepair over the years (nothing unsafe/ unsanitary, just normal old trailer wear/ tear) she does have a life insurance policy, with me as sole beneficiary, but does not come to full term until next year (I have already checked with them and one of the conditions of her policy is that if she is placed in LTC, it is considered paid) and from what I was told, cannot be taken by medicaid because it is not "real or personal property"
I stayed with the friend I will be living with, and had a long discussion with him and his family. We have been close for almost 10 years, and his family is amazing to me. His dad is happy that I will be staying, and joked that I could live there for the rest of my life, in exchange for one homecooked meal a week. (he and his dad both work with heavy machinery/ mobile cranes and work insane hours, mostly living off fast food/ microwavables.) They are setting up two/ three rooms for me, a bedroom, plus a spare room for an office/ art room/ ect of my choosing, connected by a bathroom inbetween them.
I am overwelmed by everyone's kindness and advice. I know I still have a long road ahead, both in looking for a job and moving, as well as re-learning many social skills and reforming a support system. I hope that over time I can move past this, that my grandma will forgive me, and that I can learn to live normally, away from the entitled, hectic world I have known for so long.
Thank you again so much for all of your love and advice, and I will update again when I am able/ if something new happens.
" The issue is, her daughter (my mother) has POA, and (with the doctors backing her up) has basically told me "oh, you'll do great! You always have."
Your mother says this so she can continue her non-involvement. The doctors backing her up is because it's always easier if the patient goes home -- less work for the facility.
Have you spoken to a social worker? Put your refusal to be the caregiver in writing, as has been suggested below in previous responses.
It might help to realize that trying to guilt people into elder caregiving is very common, and it is done at the hospitals/rehabs all the time. Everyone wants to make YOU feel bad because they don't want to work to find a placement for your grandmother. Because you are young, they think it will be even easier to take advantage of you.
But now you know what to do, thanks to the wonderful help here given by experienced posters. Please keep us updated!
You are the patsy
of course medical professionals will tell you to do it. You are saving the tax payer dollar
Tell hospital to send her to your mother and flatly refuse to have her back
She can be made a ward of the state
Do not feel guilty, your grandmother has been lucky for having you
GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE
I won't give your useless mom your forwarding address, her lifestyle will catch up to her again and she will try to guilt you into taking care of her. Nope! It is time for you.
You are obviously a wise and caring young lady. God bless you for everything that you have provided for your loved ones. That you can see the situation is no longer sustainable puts you ahead of many caregivers twice your age. You will go far in life.
Stay strong, stay determined and stay away from users! Hugs!
Move out now while your grandmother is still an inpatient. Then, stop answering telephone calls from the hospital and your mother and let your mother deal with the hospital social worker.
The hospital will not dump your grandmother at home alone. If your mother abandons your grandmother, the hospital will make arrangements that are safe. You need to remove yourself from the equation because, right now, everybody is taking advantage of you.
Best of luck!!