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First tour of a memory care unit. One day I feel it's time to move mom into memory care and then the next I think maybe I can meet her needs better. She is getting harder and harder for me to handle physically. If she ends up on the floor I can not get her up by myself, have to call a neighbor. That doesn't happen often but I have had to call a neighbor on 2 occasions. And the memory care unit I toured was lovely but I'm not sure they can meet her needs. And I'm not sure I'm emotionally ready to let her go. I have several more memory care facilities to tour, I do not want to be rushed but I don't want to be caught in an emergency situation and not have a choice. I'm having trouble letting go and could use some sage advice. Thanks

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Respite car is an excellent way to transition to a care facility. Most places offer it on a monthly basis. It sounds like it's time to give it a try.
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I think what you are doing, and the way you are going about it shows how much you love your mom and have her best interest at heart... there is no good time....it doesn't mean you have failed her,or don't love her, or are getting rid of her... it means you are smart enough to know your limitations with her physical needs. We never really 'let our moms go' , even after they are gone....
You will be there, where ever you place her, to check on her, advocate for her needs, and make sure she is being well taken care of.... taking the time to check out facilities is a great idea.... There will be no 'perfect' one, nor will they ever, at their very best, take care of her the way you do.....but then sometimes it isn't about us.... it is what is best for our loved one.... am sending you hugs of comfort and courage to do what you feel is right... whether that be more in home care or placement... please come back and let us know how you are and we will support you thru your choices....
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Thanks Sendme2 help...I believe you have offered encouragement to me before. She is needing more physical help than I can safely offered...the last time I had to get her back into bed I hurt my back and could not straighten up...mom said I must be very strong! I had tears in my eyes.....The place I have chosen is 15 miles away and I plan to visit often, keep my sitter a few days a week to also visit and home health has assured me they can offer her PT and speech therapy while she is there. I have a beautiful daughter that will also visit her. My sisters agree it's time to place her in memory care and when ever I have doubts about the move something happens that tells me it's time.....I truly believe God works in mysterious ways! (I'm not sure I'm suppose to mention God but I couldn't have gotten thru the first day without Him).
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Oldestof3, you may never be ready emotionally to let Mom move to a higher level of care, but physically you know you are ready since you already need help in picking Mom up. Sadly the falls will start to increase, and your neighbor might not be able to assist each time you call, thus it will be the EMT's. And sadly your Mom's memory will keep fading. She will need help with everything, and before you know it, you are doing 3 full-time shifts of caregiving.

What about having professional caregivers come in to help with a couple of the shifts? Or wouldn't the budget work for that?

Choice is the big thing. My Mom had a serious fall and is now in long term care never to come back home.... her choice was a place that had an empty bed, we had no time to look around. Now my Dad wants to look at Assisted Living so that he can choose what place he would like, or to continue to live in their home with 24-hour caregivers.
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fregflyer...I do have sitters for a few hrs 4 days a wk and I wonder if extending their hrs might be an answer tho they are not here at 4:30 am when mom managed to get between the bed rail and mattress and hang from the bed waist down. I'm wondering if a time or two in respite care might help me and mom transition to a move to memory care. Luckily, money is not a problem at this point. I think she could handle the move better than I could. She just asked me what name did I go by so I know she will not miss me.
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Oldest of 3 --- I too was primary caregiver for my Mom and I am # 3 of 4! Trust me when I say that you will still have the opportunity to be VERY involved if you move your Mom to memory care. She will still need you and you will still need to be involved. My Mom was a wanderer so it became easier for me to accept that I could not be on duty 24/7. I was very lucky that my Mom accepted the move quite easily. Like you, I took my time looking at places asking questions and observing how things were handled. When I saw the place I chose (it was the 9th place I visited) it met my Mom's needs more than any of the others. Hubby and I looked at each other and said 'this is the right place'. Good luck with your search. It is better to have some ideas than to be taking what has an open bed. Good luck with it all.
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Babalou, I agree that state regulation is a big factor. Many statements on these boards do not apply in my state. At the memory care place I had my Mom, everyone was wheeled/walked to the dining room for breakfast then off to the activities room. If they prefered, they could sit in the group living rooms, but those who went back to bed (typically after a very rough night) had to have the door left open. An other issue, financially, is that (in my area) Assisted living runs $6000/month; memory care is $7500/month and skilled nursing is $13000/month. These are averages! Some more a few less. So for private pay clients that can be appropriately cared for in Assisted or memory care, there is a big financial consideration!
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thanks for comments...mom is getting harder for me to handle...she sat down in the floor last week and I had to call my wonderful neighbor for help. Last night she refused to go to bed and insisted on staying on the couch and there was just no way I could leave her there and go to bed myself. Each day I get another sign it's time to try something different. I feel I've done my best but her disease is taking it out of my hands.
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Paradise76, thank you for your comments. I have read thru them several times and appreciate your input. I have visited several memory care units. I would have like to visit more but I only can do one a week and that doesn't get much progress. The one I have chosen has a smaller resident population and a better staff per resident ratio than any other facility I visited. And I've visited twice and each time the residents seems very happy and talkative. I'm hoping to have mom settled by the 2nd week of Dec. I know some of the posters here have been doing this for decades and so many seem to have relationship problems with either the parent or sibling and I am so lucky I have neither. Mom was not the perfect mother but then I wasn't the perfect daughter and she did her very best. My siblings live on opposite sides of the country but visit as often as they can and offer all the support they can so I do feel some guilt in putting mom somewhere besides my home but to be perfectly honest, I want my house back...I want my life back. I think mom will benefit from being around other people close to her age.. right now it's just her and me. She is in later stages of dementia and is getting very stubborn..if she doesn't want to do something she is NOT going to do it...and that includes a bath. If I get a sponge bath in once a week I feel I've accomplished something. I have rearranged my house, let my yard and garden go, quit going to church and lost my social contacts for taking care of her. I thank God he has sent her to me to love and care for as long as I could but I believe in my heart the time is right to do something else. If this move does not work out I will not hesitate to bring her back home. I can not believe what some of these posters put up with and I am so grateful mom has been pretty cooperative. I love her so but it's time to let go.
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oldestof3, why are you considering Memory Care in particular? Generally (at least here) that is for persons with dementia who are wandering risks and/or whose behavior is disruptive and need additional attention for that.

My mother with dementia is in a Nursing Home. She is immobile and could never wander and her behavior is very pleasant and cooperative. My friend's mother with dementia has been in Assisted Living. She is reasonably independent, is no wandering risk, and doesn't need extra attention to her behavior. Neither of our mother's need memory care. In fact, being around mostly people who have behavior problems and need extra attention might be detrimental to their calm demeanor.

The Memory unit where my mother is has a better ratio of staff to resident than the NH part where she is. But each staff member has a lot more to do, too, so I don't think my mother would get more attention there. Mom needs to be dressed, helped with hygiene, helped with toileting, wheeled to activities, showered, and put to bed. That works out fine in the regular NH. If she resisted help, fought with the aides, was uncooperative, etc. then she would probably need the extra staff in the Memory unit.

If your mom needs Memory Care, so be it. Find a good one. I'm just pointing out that generally more than half the residents in ALF and NH also have dementia, and those places can handle the "typical" needs.
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