Can he make me move out?

I'm so sorry, what a terribly uncomfortable position for you to be in.

Normally, of course, you'd say it's his house, he says who lives in it. But this situation is not that simple. For one thing, he cannot stay safely on his own at home - he would be at risk of injury or worse. For another, from your description it sounds as if he has lost the ability to make reasoned decisions; and that means that you, as his POA, are now responsible for his welfare. Bummer!

As he doesn't agree that he needs somebody with him all the time, you can't even nominate a proxy and get either an HCA or another family member to come and stay. He wants to be left in peace, on his own, but for the sake of his own safety you cannot comply with his wishes even though you would like to.

Short term, keep out of his way as much as you can but keep your ears open for trouble. If he confronts you about leaving, tell him (calmly, not arguing) that you will make arrangements for that as soon as you can, but you have to do it in a practical way. On Monday morning call your attorney and ask about having him declared incompetent. Obviously that isn't something anybody wants to do, but the time has come for you to take charge and to do that you need to have the relevant legal authority.

Once your POA is in force, your father will no longer have the legal right to act for himself. I know how Draconian that sounds, but the good news is that your father, unlike too many people, has had the good fortune to give this exceptionally important legal power to you, a son who genuinely has his best interests and welfare at heart. From everything you have said, I feel confident that you will then look carefully at all the options that are available to him and choose the one that is the best match possible for what he wants. That doesn't mean he'll be happy, necessarily, but it does mean that your conscience can be clear. What he'd like is to be living independently and of sound mind - it's not your fault that he has lost those things and is grieving for them.

I applaud your attitude. You are getting this all right. Best of luck, please update.

Seacoast, I am just reading through this and imagining what I would do in your situation. Your father and my mother are similar in what they can and can't do. She has told me a couple of times that she wants me out of the house tomorrow and that she would have the police remove me. I knew, though, that she couldn't make it without help, so I couldn't just leave. Fortunately, the trouble blew over in my case.

POA does give you the authority to act on someone's behalf, but it is not imprisonment. You don't have to be living with someone to be meeting the obligations of the POA. A major problem that I see is that you don't have your own resources, so can't move into a nearby place. Also, I know that you worry about what would happen with your father if you weren't with him. Both you and he are in very vulnerable positions.

In this instance I would have a talk with my father that I will leave as he wants, but that the doctor says he is not able to live alone. He will either need to go into a facility or get a caregiver come in to take your place. You can also talk to his doctor about competence -- I can't predict how that will go, since doctors are often reluctant to officially state someone is incompetent. If your father is not legally incompetent, you will need to follow his wishes. If needed, you can resign the POAs. It still leaves the primary problems, but what can we do in situations like this?

My advice would be to spend the next two weeks securing your own future. Being financially dependent on an unstable man is not a good situation. I would also try to mend the relationship with Dad. Staying with him does seem the best thing at this time.

I think people on the group are probably like me in trying to figure out how to get out of the corner you're painted into. I see the biggest problem is that he wants you out and you have no money. You can always arrange for his care in some way. The trick will be finding a way to care for yourself. I really hope that you and your father can mend things and give you a chance to find your feet. Many caregivers find themselves in this situation and it is a difficult one to work through.

First of all let me commend you for taking on the welfare of your dad. All that you describe is pretty typical of dementia. Hopefully he will forget that he has asked you to move out. I guess you can stay and see what happens. Has he been evaluated for dementia? If you can get a statement from his doctor? If not, it would be good to document what you have written here and present it to his doctor. Was he somewhat like this before the dementia or has he changed with the onset of dementia? Teepa Snow has some great videos about dealing with Alz/dementia patients and they may be helpful to you. It sounds like you and your dad are in a power struggle and that never turns out well. Read all you can about dealing with dementia. It is no use explaining and explaining things as he cannot get it. Not "will" not but "can" not. His brain is diseased and that will only get worse.

It may be helpful to you to contact the local Adult Protective Services (APS) to see if they can help you. It is common for dementia patients not to recognise that they need help and want to stay in their homes alone.

You have been and are making a huge sacrifice. I am glad your girlfriend is able to visit quite often. You need to think ahead about you willingness/ability to continue with caregiving. Perhaps your dad would accept hired help if he can afford it. It is better to approach such things from the point of view that you would be uncomfortable with him on his own, as opposed to insisting that he needs the help. Many resist this. He probably senses that he is losing control and is fighting it.

I think you are wise to consult an elder law lawyer. In some cases people have had to let the senior be alone until something happened to prove to them that they had to have help eg a fall, or meds mix up that took them to ER, however according to ES that leaves you vulnerable.

This time of transition is very difficult for many. Babalou's suggestion about visiting facilities is a good one. Keep in touch and let us know how it goes.

Seacoast , this is so sad, both for you and dad. Has he ever been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist?

Sadly, he may end up falling, as you say. Please remember that if he ends up admitted to the hospital you insist upon rehab afterwards. You are also within your rights to say that you can no longer safely care for him.

By the time the end of the year gets here, your Dad may not even remember the conversation. Just wait until he brings it up again. Talk to the lawyer and get all your ducks in a row. Be prepared for anything. Best of luck!

There certainly are plenty of people living with their parent(s) and not necessarily feeling all that welcome, shall we say… Try popping a few questions around that into the search box, top right?

Did you have any luck moving ahead with the POA and assessment for incompetence aspects? Until you have taken over legally, social workers will be a little bit up a gum tree because your father will be their "boss", so to speak. They still have to protect his best interests, but they won't be able to do a thing without his consent to it.

You talk to the lawyer about Guardianship, and it can be pricey, $3-5K or more if it is contested by anyone.
Can he make you leave? yes he can, but you cover your axx by alerting the Elder Services to his risk, you inform them in writing if you retain an attorney and seek Guardianship.
If Elder Services documents him as confused, and his MD documents his losses as well, the Court Evaluator will award Guardianship to you, but only after a complete background check, including credit records and work history.

Seacoast, none of us here knew that we could do that until we started reading stuff on this site! I can remember two years ago, the hospital told me mom was "all set to go". She had been in and out 4 times in as many months. I said, I'm not taking her home until you figure out what's going on with her bp. My mother was SOoooo made at me! But we finally started to get some results!

Seacoast, if you have POA and your father has been deemed incompetent, then your problem isn't that your father doesn't agree. Of course he doesn't agree! - that's kind of the point. The problem is that you now have not only the right but the duty to make decisions on his behalf whether he likes them or not. The scene has changed. Serving his best interests now takes precedence over respecting his wishes, rather than vice versa. Given your sincere and profound respect for his autonomy this is going to be no less distasteful to you than it is to him, but the time has come for you to plan his future care and go full steam ahead with it. What are the options?

Can I ask you all, if he can't cook, pay his bills, write a check correctly, get out to shop for food. How can I be forced out and leave him to fall apart again and end up dead or in a hospital ? It's like the state want you to bail so they can take over and do exactly what he doesn't want. I find this very upsetting.