Can anyone relate to caring for parents (89 and 91) who live at home and are tired of each other?

This is one of my biggest challenges with my parents. My mother is 90 with Alzheimer's and my dad is 95 and just starting to become a little forgetful and repetitive. We have 24/7 care for my mother with five caregivers along with myself (alone I do about 60 hours a week or so) and my sister that comes one day. We are cooking for them both, laundry, housekeeping, etc. My dad doesn't really do much for my mother any longer but wants to sit in the same room with her. After almost 4 years of dealing with this, he still does not get it. I imagine it's because of his age not understanding that she is not the same person she used to be. It will be 67 years in November that they have been married.
Basically, they can't live with each other and yet can't live without each other. We're trying to keep them in their own home.
Life at this stage can be very sad and very depressing. I'm the older of two daughters who is trying their hardest to keep them alive.

Quite frankly I separated my parents for both their own good - mom went into a NH & dad into a retirement home for a few years before needing to go into a NH - I gave them chances to see each other but they turned it down every time - they too were tired of each other - FYI it was the best thing for both of them

I too have seen my folks get on each other's "last nerve"! Dad at 92 & Mom at 89. As they aged, they pushed each other's buttons more & more. And this goes back way before their senior years. They, too probably shouldn't have married each other in the first place. Anyhoo, as mom developed dementia, dad became more frustrated. And it didn't help that, in her state, she accused him of infidelity! As if !!! Dad says now that if he had understood more about dementia, he would have been less frustrated. We had them in AL, but eventually had to separate them because she was volatile & he had no idea what to do for her. Best thing we ever did. She passed away in December & he was devastated. I think he was spoiled all along & never knew how to be independent. And it didn't help that he developed macular degeneration & hearing impairment.
Based on many of these posts, it seems that there is a lot of depression in these folks. Perhaps for some an antidepressant could have been helpful. Tried to get dad on it, but later decided an anti-anxiety med. would work better. And he does take it when needed & it helps him.
In a perfect world, people would discuss aging & what could go along with it. Maybe spend some time with older folks or with AL residents. "Although it may be a long way off, this will be you! Prepare yourself"! Oh...who am I kidding?

This is where the marriage vows "to have and to hold; in sickness and in health" are tossed by the wayside by the couple unfortunately, because they don't like they've gotten old. So why haven't they planned financially for this stage in their life? They never were employed outside the home? It is not up to you to supplement their financial needs. You're going to have to save for your own golden years.

Gosh this sounds familiar! I have been watching my parents' relationship change as my mother's Alzheimer progresses. At first, my father really stepped up and showed that he loved her in ways that I had never seen before. But now his refusal to come with me to the dementia support group is catching up with him, and they are bickering more and more. He gets frustrated her for things that she can't help doing (or not doing). Then she gets mad at him, and says that she wants to be by herself for a while. Or he asks her to do something she isn't capable of, and is mystified why she suddenly yells at him when he used a "very moderate tone". My brother and I are working on getting her into a facility. He won't like it, but we can't go on this way.

Hi, first of all some background info for me. I am 71 I am my significant others sole caregiver 24/7 he suffers from a traumatic brain injury. On top of this my sister and myself help out our parents who live independently at 99 and 98 yrs old. They have been married 72 years. Mom will be 100 June 10 this year and dad will be 99 June 15 this year. Mom has all her wits about her and is in better health than both my sister and myself. Mom never drove and dad stopped driving about 3 years ago. Dad falls daily they refuse to come into our homes and they want to stay in there own mobile home. We finally convinced mom to get some help ...she finally agreed to 3 hours daily only 4 days a week. It has placed a tremendous amount of anxiety on both myself and my sister. As for me it is very hard to just run over to help them out and gives me a lot of guilt ..My sister is about an hour and a half away from them I live close by...My mom is a very strict Italian woman who still cooks yes she has macular degeneration and still cooks...and she deals with my dad when he falls. Because she can think rationale she will not take any kind of suggestions from us girls...And because they are pretty much housebound dad and mom have a lot of issues with each other...We try to get them out but they don't want to leave because dad does not want anyone to see him in his wheelchair... Us girls are damned if we do and damned if we don't...it is hard I have to pray a lot for patience and understanding of their age...I am so sorry you are going through this as well.....I have no advise for you just be yourself and do the best you can ….that is all we can do beside love them ...God Bless you Sincerely, Roberta

Yes. You could be talking about my parents. 71 years is a long time to be with someone and at this point in their lives, a lot of living is a chore and a challenge. Please look into adult day care for your dad. There are programs in some states that allow you to have a little more in assets and income than Medicaid where help comes into the home and adult day care is offered. See if he or they qualify for anything. Your mom would benefit from your dad going out to daycare a couple days a week; she needs respite. Some councils on aging provide something similar where there are morning activities (games and things) that culminate in a luncheon. My parent's hometown even provides transportation for free for this activity. Your mom is tired and deserves some pampering. I don't know if there are grandchildren, but I initiated a tradition where my daughter and my mother would go get pedicures together and then have lunch.

I've started to run into this the last few years. My dad has recently had heart problems, and has to have valve replacement surgery. So he can't drive as much and has basically given up on living any kind of life so he sits in his recliner bent forward with his head in his hands....all day. Mom is waiting on him and trying to keep up with the house stuff as much as she can but she is wearing down and my dad is recliner quarterbacking all that goes on in the house. My mom does not drive, dad was her transportation and now he can't drive as much or chooses not to so they are stuck with each other all day. I completely understand these parental relationships seemingly falling apart after so many years together. My dad is becoming increasingly difficult so I try to get mom away on shopping trips for groceries and we waste a bit more time just to have a few minutes away. Dad has no hobbies, doesn't like to do anything he used to, and he is very critical of my mom. We are doing the best we can to manage it all and carry on. My friends and boyfriend have been angelic listening to me and helping, mostly listening. My suggestion to anyone going through this is have a network of friends who, if nothing else, you can talk to, vent to, and laugh whenever possible. That network has been my respite and savior when I need it, my mom needs it or we just need a few minutes of quiet time, they step up to help get my mom away from him for a few minutes. I can't say it gets better but we are just learning to manage this fluid situation and give mom some respite so he doesn't have a reason to be so critical of her. And not to plug where I work at all but United Way has a 2-1-1 call in service for any question for any service needed. This has helped us find some senior resources as well.

jacobsonbob Age 70, Lol, though some may be willing to call it quits after 70 years of marriage as well. By call it quits, I mean dying.

My DH and I have been together 43 years and honestly? We shouldn't ever have married each other. Our kids are amazing and we truly stay together for them..for the family. And we're used to each other. It's more like siblings, really.

We don't fight. We don't have the energy. We do love each other, but intimacy has long since been dead, I have had to caregive for my DH so many times through so many things--and that CG is NOT reciprocated AT ALL. He plans that I will care for him until her dies and then I can hire CG for me if I need them.

Case in point: Our kids came to town last week with horrific head colds, which I caught immediately and was sick sick sick. Trying to do things with the kids, cleaning and cleaning and cleaning & tending (my daughter is the world's biggest slob) and I am beyond miserable--but I have been chugging along. He hasn't lifted a finger to help, if he's tired he goes to bed and in fact has slept 2 entire days while they've been here. Yesterday he started to feel the cold and now he is bedbound, coughing, hacking and asking for soup, juice, hot water bottles and insisting that his cold is so much worse than mine. Not only has he not a single solitary thing to help ME, he has stayed away all night watching TV as he's slept all day. We don't normally share a room, but cause of the visitors, we have to. I haven't had a decent night's sleep in over a week.

My sis made the comment once, many years ago "I don't doubt that B loves you, but I think it's more that he loves what you DO for him." Probably true.

Having said all that--I have friends who are so entwined with their spouses, I almost think it's unhealthy. But I'm in a marriage where when DH goes out of town, he may call once in 2 weeks. My BF's hubby went to Florida for 4 days and has called her 5-6 times per day.

I don't see us fighting or anything. Just, DH was "tired" of me about 6 months into our marriage. Sometimes he remembers he's married, but for the most point, he treats me like an annoying little sister. Could be worse.

I made the decision to stay in this marriage many years ago and I will. I do feel I was hoodwinked, a little, he was such an ardent "wooer" but that ended pretty quickly.

He's a decent, sweet, hardworking, completely clueless guy. He's been 100% faithful to me and great dad. Romance is highly overrated anyhow. I give him all the freedom he wants to be as much of a lone wolf as he needs and he allows me to be crazy old me without too much complaint.

WOW!! 71 years! My parents were married 49 until my Mama died.
Now my Daddy tells me that she never loved him! WHAT!!!!
I tell him... She loved you so much just as you loved her!
I'm not a professional but I think that they miss the old days when they could get around with no problem, they could do things with no pain, they didn't have to depend on others.
My Daddy gets depressed and I just take out his pictures and we talk about the old days. I listen to his stories... again. So what, he relives them and I just listen. If he wants to go somewhere... if he is up to it we go. If he wants a treat... I really don't care about the diet thing... he's old leave him alone.
No its not easy on anyone part. Its just life.
Blessings
hgnhgn

My Mom is 92 and does not drive anymore, Her Husband late 80's ,my stepfather runs all the errands, She gets bored staying in the house, I live 2 hours away , but have taken her to Santa Cruz, The Sacramento Zoo, and now she wants to go to Yosemite. I lost my job and am running out of funds myself.
There are programs out there, if they are hard up to fix their house, each city has it it is the department of home rehabilitation. Also there there is ssi, supplemental social security income, you can set up the arrangements with the social security dept, but they have to go in to get it started, there is also ihss in home servicies in every city which are paid by medicare, this can range from personal care to housekeeping. All of this depends on their income, which sounds like my mom situation, just get on the phone and help is available if they qualify. there is also home visits and other options by the Catholic Charities(they do not have to be Catholic) to get these services My Mother has lung cancer which has spread, but a least I have been able to put a new roof, gutters fix broken items ,and rain and mold repairs, they were even gotten new carpet.There is also transit from Catholic charities and other groups, oh and do not forget meals on wheels the deliver meals and time with the aged. really this is all true I have done it, it took over a year but do not give up...Margaret Wilber

I always say that 'when you feel sorry for yourself', maybe you need a 'project to help someone else'.....Can they do anything together as a 'charitable project'? Nonetheless, 'seeing a different face' or having someone take them for an 'outing' (merely 'out to eat' may be something 'different enough')....Do they enjoy games? Bring in 'different/other faces' for a visit/socializing.

It's surprising that even for those with memory issues, something familiar such as 'singing along to well-known tunes' or 'playing old favorite games' may 'revive one's memory' enough to enjoy life'....sounds as though 'every day melts into another' and just as 'activities are a daily necessity for anyone in a nursing home/memory care facility', so is it necessary for 'the homebound'.
home'.

In the End, Mom had to Care More for Dad who has a Debilitating Disease Emphysema. She was also very Sick but Refused to go to a Specialists to Oversee what I knew what One Disease she had...Dad ended up with a Lot of Animosity when She died....

Oh yes. And to make it worse, my dad adored my mom and my mom was sick of him. In some ways, I think they can’t bare to think too much about their impending death and separation.

It sounds like your mom is exhausted, overworked, and unhappy. And your dad probably feels both helpless and bored. Thus, they fight. I would say they need more activities, and more chances to get away from each other. I love my husband dearly but just becoming empty nesters has been a challenge--we don't seem to be sliding into it totally smoothly--we don't seem to know what to do with all our time together, now that the kids (and his mom) are all out of the house!

I doubt very much they hate each other, but I can totally see why they are crabby. This aging thing is not for the faint of heart!

I would talk about both home care and assisted living options. Sounds like both of them need a "change of scenery". How lucky that they are able to perhaps do that together! I would try talking to them/brainstorming about it separately though, to avoid any triangular discussions, and so that each feels heard. Once you know how they each feel, separately, perhaps there can be some fruitful group discussions. They would probably both like some one-on-one time with you, to vent, anyway.

Me! My parents had an almost perfect marriage for decades and I had a wonderful childhood. Somewhere around the age of 70, they began to hermit inside of their house (which unfortunately is down the street from me). After a couple years of that they totally got cabin-fever and started spending their days bickering and drinking. I am an only child and my parents have no other family around here. They stopped communicating with all friends. I constantly begged them to be nice to each other! After several years of living that way, dad started to develop signs of dementia. My mom became verbally abusive toward him and basically said he was "not her responsibility" (after 50 years of marriage!). I ended up having to move him to memory care for his own well being (he is now 80). When it came time to move him, mom said she "didn't care where he went and would never go to visit him", leaving all of the moving logistics 100% on my shoulders. After a while, she did end up visiting occasionally but sometimes continues her verbal abuse to the point where staff has called me about her behavior. Common things she shouts at him: "F-you", "shut up", and "I can't wait until you are dead". This has pretty much negated my wonderful childhood and I take out my frustrations by running family photos, greeting cards, etc. through my shredder. Friends suggest I start seeing a therapist. It's very ugly and I've had to absorb it like a big sponge :(

I get your situation - My Mom is 77, my Dad is 81; she has some arthritis and “heart palpitations” (her words) and hates house cleaning, laundry & cooking. My Dad has a disabling lung condition plus COPD, & limited mobility, he hurls little barbs and insults at her all day long. He also is extremely controlling of their finances. She mostly doesn’t bother to get dressed and sits a lot watching tv and reading. He doesn’t get dressed and sits a lot complaining and being rude. I help them with some things but have to keep my visits short. It is very depressing.

This sounds so challenging, never had the father around for this to happen to me. I did read ‘Elder Rage’ by Jacqueline Marcell and it’s about a couple, you might really get a lot out of that!

To much of a good thing is just that, too much.

I watched my dad's parents bicker and fight my entire life, then her sister told me that they acted that way before they were married. I guess the enjoyed all the contention. Could this be the case with your parents?

Thank you all for such good advice. I am going to try and get my mom to come home with me for a while. My brother lives in the same town with them and he can see after our dad. When I have offered before she said no so here’s hoping she will come now. It is nice to know that others have gone through the same thing.

Brings to mind real stories of Elderly husbands killing their wives because of nagging.

Oh dear. I'd say hang in there and see what you can do to get both parents talking to eachother again..... maybe a set up of a romantic dinner for 2 in their home? Other than applying for Medicaid and getting them into a facility, I don't know what else to suggest to you. Hope this helps.

My dad ran away from home once...in his power chair

Mom was frantic. I calmed her down by pointing out to her that the police are going to pick him up....little old man driving a power chair? Yeah.

but, it turned out that when he got out to the Main Street he just sat there. He couldn’t remember which way to turn. Management people thought it was odd him just sitting there....they brought him home,

I think it is is safe to say that my parents grew to truly dislike each other.

Wow. I didn't think anyone else experiences this.
My parents moved up by me about five years ago. They were married 65 years and I didn't realize the show they put up for us when we were around and it was completely different when they were alone.
Mom wanted to retire from cooking, cleaning, and laundry; being a housewife. Dad was blind and needed help with food and cooking. Bad combo. My Dad walked out the front door after my mom was in a rage and throwing pots and pans about the apartment kitchen after being asked by Dad to kindly make him something to eat; he never went back!
Blind man, walking around a new town and not knowing it at all. Interesting....found out that he had taken a taxi to a local hotel and had no intention of going back to live with my Mom.
It's a very, very long story and my wife wants me to write a book about my experience with the parentals. In the end, my Dad ended up moving down by my sister. He unfortunately fell and and hit is head which caused a hematoma complicated by Cumadin blood thinner and he passed.
It's my belief that we are just living too long. We are prolonging life with medications and therapies and I don't think the human mind can keep up.
I completely understand the situation that you and your parents are in. I don't have a solution other than to possibly separate them with different activities so they aren't around each other 24/7.

Hi CeCe

There is something so precious about very old couples. . I hope they also find some times to laugh together. When my dad died my mom remarked that she had known him 75 years. So many things only he would know or remember. He called her the girl of his dreams. But my mom was so tired of being his caregiver at one point that she looked at a hospital procedure as a welcomed get away. I didn’t live near them and was surprised at how worn out she was.

Here are a couple of links that might help you and brother find services for your family.
The Area Agency on Aging for Birmingham can help assess your parents for the level of care they need. Give them a call and see what services they can help you with.
https://www.uwaaa.org/

Here is a link that discusses the Medicaid Waiver Programs available in Alabama that can help with getting help in the home or an ALF.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.payingforseniorcare.com/medicaid-waivers/al-elderly-and-disabled.html%3ftmpl=amp

As I understand it, NHs aren’t available through Medicaid for custodial care. Medicaid requires two thresholds to be met. Financial and medical.
Also know that if dad has sufficient medical need to require 24/7 care that mom, as a community spouse wouid not be left impoverished.
It’s sometimes hard for us to imagine our very elderly parents anywhere but with each other. But do consider that at this time their needs might be better met independent of one another.

Another thing you can do proactively is familiarize yourself with Activities of Daily Living (ADLs). Sometimes just seeing where they are either helps you know things aren’t so bad or that they really need more help now. Remember that even a little help can make a
big difference.

I’ve been thinking about you and your parents all morning.
Come back and let us know how things are going. You’ll find a lot of support here.

As my Mom said after my Dad pushed her buttons again, which he was very good at and enjoyed..

"They don't tell you when you take those Vows that when he gets old, you get old too and you don't feel like putting up with his sh*t any longer."

We are living too long. As my daughter puts it "past our expiration date".
People are not meant to live together 24/7. Spouses work, children go to school. What do two 90 yr olds do when their minds and bodies can't do anymore. How do they get away from each other.

My parents aren’t quite in that situation....but sustain a love/hate relationship after 71 yrs. of marriage. When mom was in rehab my dad missed her and would visit once, sometimes twice a day. Now that she’s home she drives him crazy. But then again, she always did since she has a high anxiety, controlling, demanding personality.
My advice would be to have the assessment done under the guise that the doc is checking to make sure his meds aren’t affecting his mental capability. This was the only way we were able to get my mom to go. Now she will be seen by a geriatric neurologist next month.....as adviced by her PC.
Hope this helps, but ultimately I think looking into long term care would be the best thing for all concerned. We are still working on that with my parents. Good luck to you.

Maybe it’s not so much that they dislike each other, but their lives. I have an active and intense dislike of my life; disabled husband, no money, crappy house, etc. etc. I can get nasty with my husband, but it’s not his fault really..

Can you get them separated, even for a short time? One person to take care of Dad and another to take Mom out for a few hours? No big extravaganza. Maybe breakfast at Bob Evans. I know I sure would appreciate that.

Add to that a PITA grandma that has been feuding with mom for decades and you are in my world. There is good news and bad news. Good news is that mom had peak rage about 2-3 years ago. Now, it's like she's forgotten how to be as angry. The bad news is that dad has spun up to fill the rage gap.