Can anyone recommend a book/guide for moving in with adult children? Does it ever work out?!?

My short answer is don’t do it!! This is the opposite side of the coin where the parents are asking if it makes sense, but even still it has a high chance of not going well. It is well intentioned of course, everyone will get along great at first, but then You will have “little things” pile up and when one of you needs extra help, the stress starts to build up. Stay in your own home if you can, downsize or get some assistance to come in - anything - but living together!! Even in a separate suite

I moved our father into our guest home next door that we paid $ on to fix up for him (my husband was willing at the time but deep down I think he resented it later). My father has been here 5 years and at first it was very convenient. We got along well and It was easy to check up on him regularly as he was starting to become forgetful. Unfortunately his dementia has worsened and he is very stubborn. He cannot see that he has dementia nor does he believe he needs more help. It’s taken a great toll on my health. I developed seizures, perhaps from stress I don’t know. But taking care of him is getting to be too much on me and he refuses a caregiver or assisted living. I was told I need to wait till he has a major fall or surgery then put him in a home but it’s very stressful worrying so much about him. I would not wish this situation on my worst enemy, however we really had no clue what we were getting into. We all meant well in the beginning.

Try to get home care to assist with chores rather than lose your independence by moving into someone else's property. If you already have a concern, it might not be a positive choice.

I think it could work if everyone gets along wonderfully. You will need a back up plan cause you will meed it. what about your friends? can they visit you? what sort of freedom will you give up? what does this mean financially? do you have other children that might have a say? Can you hire someone to help out with the chores?

Is it your plan to live in this in-law suite until one or both of you die? Or do you have plans in place for more advanced care when your son and dil aren't able to provide that level of care?

You don't indicate your age and I am wondering if you are "active lifestyle" seniors or homebodies.

I could see the in-law suite being an advantage to your son when you and your husband are no longer there -- rental income for them, either long-term or airbnb-type income.

I think you should look into a senior living community apartment/condos.  One that has the next stages that you will eventually need...like assisted living and then long term care.  A senior living apartment/condo would take away the chores of maintaining a home, but still give you independence and socialization with folks your own age and situation.  Your son does not realize the ramifications of bringing you into his home.  Right now things are fine, but eventually they won't be.  Put yourself in a situation where professionals can handle your care as you age/decline and let your son stay in the role of just being your son.  Planning for yourself takes the burden and guilt off of your son.

Fifty seems awfully young. Do YOU want to give up your home now? How is your health? Do you still work? Would you need to change jobs? Do you get along well with son AND DIL? Is SHE in full agreement?
Would they be the landlord? Are you going to contribute to the new build or are you going to build the new house with your own funds? If so, how much? As cold as it might sound because he's your son, you must discuss all of these things.

Sounds nice. I certainly hope it works for you. Since it is a separate home (kitchen?) your chances of it working seem high. If I may suggest, make some rules regarding boundaries. And maybe talk a lot about possible problems and how you will head them off.

Best wishes!

how well do you get along with the DIL? and I would say as long as the property is totally separate from their house, maybe it might work. as long as everyone knows their boundaries of "just walking into each others house". etc. wishing you luck.

First of all your son and daughter-in-law sound wonderful. It’s a generous offer. I have seen happy families live inter-generationally quite well. I wish I could bottle that secret formula!

You and your husband need to sit down and make a solid plan for your aging selves that is realistic and includes what will happen IF one or both of you become bedbound, develops dementia, incontinence, can no longer drive or cook a meal and all the various, ungraceful aging worst case scenarios that might arise in the future. Carefully consider the financial and emotional implications of those scenarios.

Only you and your husband can understand your own family dynamics and how that might play out. And only you and your husband know what type of financial situation you are facing.

The emotional toll of caring for or housing a parent can be overwhelming, and there are so many stories on this forum about good intentions that turned into absolute nightmares. And you need to consider any other players - do you have other children or family that might resent this arrangement? I might consult with an attorney to see what advice they might have. I did, when I first started managing my mother’s finances, and it was very helpful.

Okay, now that the ugly part of aging and living with family has been addressed, I really hope everything works out. As I stated in the beginning some people are very successful in making an arrangement like this work. Plan for the worst and expect the best.

I think the primary question is "Do you want to give up your home now??" What will you miss about moving from your current home??
Best wishes

You and your husband will be doing your son a favor by moving closer to them, where they can be there for you as needed. As suggested in the other comments, it's best to have your own apartment with kitchen and bathroom, and ideally a separate entrance, so that you can remain as independent as possible, and have an agreement about the financial arrangements. And you may need other help at some point, someone to drive you places if you can no longer drive, someone to help with cleaning, an aide to take you to the doctor, etc. Of course the down side is that you will no longer be near your friends and will have to get used to a new "neighbhorhood." If you do move, get connected with senior networks so that you can make new friends.

If the in-law suite is being paid for by your son, would you be expected to pay rent? Will you be allowed to have friends visit without issue.
Will you have privacy, such as your own bath, bedroom and kitchen?
It can work out to move with adult children as long as ground rules have been established in the get-go. These should be in writing. The expectation that visits still must be on an invite procedure. Neither you or your son should just pop in on the other excluding if emergency arises.
I know of several people who this works out very well for them.
Best wishes

Years ago there was a list published by Dear Abby or Ann Landers with what a parent should do to make things easier when needing to move in with Children. I think it can work if no expectations. Both would need privacy. Either a good size bedroom with their own bathroom. I say big because they should have a sitting room. That the parent doesn't get their nose out of joint when the kids want to go out without them. Or take a vacation without them. That the parent knows their limitations and doesn't expect the kids to pick up the flack. They will use their own money to hire aides. Take a Senior bus for appts and shopping not relying on working children to take time off.

On this forum there are lots of parents that are "me, me, me" when children have their own responsibilities. They can't be your entertainment. Can't be at your beck and call. I have a school friend that lives with son and DIL. Her and husband take care of the children while son and DIL work. It seems to work for them.

The best thing to read is the posts on the forum here about the children who have asked elders to move in with them and are now trying to figure out how to get them to leave and move into Assisted Living.

If you want to see real resentment build, go ahead & ask your childless son to use his own funds to build you an in law suite on his property and then figure out how to care for you and your husband when you are no longer so 'graceful' and need care 24/7.

My husband & I have 7 children between us and we'd rather swallow a bunch of pills chased with a good bottle of whiskey than burden them with us in our old age. True story. On paper, it sounds so simple and lovely. In reality, it's a living nightmare for these children.

I can tell you this: I am an only 'child' myself at almost 64 years old, in full charge of both of my parents in their old age. I had to move them to my city back in 2011 when dad could no longer drive; I set them up in a lovely Independent Living apartment where they lived for 3 years until dad fell & broke his hip, requiring an emergency move into Assisted Living for both of them. He passed in 2015 and I've been managing my 94 y/o mother's entire life ever since; she now has advanced dementia and lives in Memory Care; has been in and out of hospitals, rehabs, doctor's offices, specialists, eye doctors, dentists, ENT doctors for vertigo, you name it, I've dealt with it. Alone. THIS is what your son and DIL will be facing with you and your DH whether you live on his property or in Assisted Living. It's just that with AL, they'll have their privacy and be able to get away from the 24/7 aspect of caregiving a bit more and not have to do the hands on part of it. Being an only child is difficult enough as it is, never mind having 2 parents living with you.

There are about 2 pros and about 2 million cons to your idea. Just keep reading this forum for the best education you'll ever get on the subject. And start looking into nice Assisted Living residences in the area instead, where the two of you can live with dignity & grace, and where your son & daughter in law can visit you as often as they'd like. That's a win-win situation for everyone

Good luck!

Not to be dismissive of your question but a introductory Marketing 101 book is what you would need to read to understand the concept of buzzwords which "aging in place" is a buzzword. Considering that over 40% of the US population is elderly (65+). The concept, I did not say website, agingcare or aging in place is a big money maker.

So, you have all these small to mid size contractors charging ridicululous amounts of money for additions or remodeling, offering some pipe dream hope you would be allowed to stay in place. Then there are SW and agencies ruled by the mighty dollar telling you you have rights not giving a crap about what you or your families needs really are. My question is why would you even consider allowing your children to use savings or take a loan out to provide you with a suite? If you were in such great shape, why would they offer? Funds from the sale of a home can be used for a senior aparment or AL.

You know at St Patricks Day Shamrock shakes always sound good but you feel like crap eventually and they cause issues.

If this suite would be yours, would have your own entrance and your own privacy, this may be a good idea, but family dynamics are so very different for each family it would be difficult for any of US to say if it is the right move for YOU. You and your husband already know your son and daughter-in-law well enough to know if this would be a good mix or not. For me, I would not want to do this. I would worry that I would become more and more dependent on them and I would not like that feeling overall. I would rather be dependent on say the IL or ALF to usher me about to appointments, shopping, and etc. I would hate the idea of feeling like a burden to my kids. Guess it is more or less the way I was raised. My parents took care of their own needs and welcomed us for visits. I would like to do the same with my grown kids. I think I might be OK with a detached living situation, but would want to pay rental, and would want to move to care when I needed care. So I think that this is a matter for each individual and each family to decide for themselves.
If this building was being put up for you at their expense then to my mind it is an automatic "no". That is way too much to let someone else do for me.

So, who will be doing your chores?

Do your son and dil look forwatd to being at your beck and call for burned out light bulbs and taking down the summer clothes? Or would you rather be able to have staff on call?

When you can no longer drive, do you want to be dependent upon son and dil for transport to doctors, religious services and haircuts? Or would you rather rely on a facility with on call or scheduled transport?

When food prep becomes an issue, do you want to have a dining room, bistro and snack bar at your doorstep, or will you rely on your kids' cooking and meals on wheels?

What is your plan when the kids want to travel to Europe for a month? Or when one of you develops dementia and needs more care?

Well, I can’t recommend any books but I can tell you about possible complications. This is why elder attorneys make lots of money, dealing with complicated issues.

My cousin invited his parents to live with them. The parents built onto the house, a second floor.

My cousin divorced his wife. The wife got the house. Their daughter in law no longer wanted them there.

Sad, but these things do happen. I don’t think that I would want to move in with family members. You never know what lies ahead.

They spent thousands on the addition. They didn’t get any money back from the addition after moving out of the home. They had nothing in writing about how to handle the situation if a divorce occurred or if the house was to be put up for sale, etc.

My cousins took a chance and they were sorry that they decided to move in with family.

Have you thought of an assisted living facility or an independent living facility? Possibly an apartment for seniors? What kind of care will you need?

It’s a crap shoot. May work out. May not. I wouldn’t do anything without planning ahead. Things happen that we don’t even consider happening. There has to be a plan. If an addition is not built, will parents pay rent? Who pays for the addition and so on? Is a portion of the money refunded if parents move out? So much to consider! Children can’t be expected to foot the bills for their parents care.