Can anyone recommend a book/guide for moving in with adult children? Does it ever work out?!?

Well, I can’t recommend any books but I can tell you about possible complications. This is why elder attorneys make lots of money, dealing with complicated issues.

My cousin invited his parents to live with them. The parents built onto the house, a second floor.

My cousin divorced his wife. The wife got the house. Their daughter in law no longer wanted them there.

Sad, but these things do happen. I don’t think that I would want to move in with family members. You never know what lies ahead.

They spent thousands on the addition. They didn’t get any money back from the addition after moving out of the home. They had nothing in writing about how to handle the situation if a divorce occurred or if the house was to be put up for sale, etc.

My cousins took a chance and they were sorry that they decided to move in with family.

Have you thought of an assisted living facility or an independent living facility? Possibly an apartment for seniors? What kind of care will you need?

It’s a crap shoot. May work out. May not. I wouldn’t do anything without planning ahead. Things happen that we don’t even consider happening. There has to be a plan. If an addition is not built, will parents pay rent? Who pays for the addition and so on? Is a portion of the money refunded if parents move out? So much to consider! Children can’t be expected to foot the bills for their parents care.

So, who will be doing your chores?

Do your son and dil look forwatd to being at your beck and call for burned out light bulbs and taking down the summer clothes? Or would you rather be able to have staff on call?

When you can no longer drive, do you want to be dependent upon son and dil for transport to doctors, religious services and haircuts? Or would you rather rely on a facility with on call or scheduled transport?

When food prep becomes an issue, do you want to have a dining room, bistro and snack bar at your doorstep, or will you rely on your kids' cooking and meals on wheels?

What is your plan when the kids want to travel to Europe for a month? Or when one of you develops dementia and needs more care?

If this suite would be yours, would have your own entrance and your own privacy, this may be a good idea, but family dynamics are so very different for each family it would be difficult for any of US to say if it is the right move for YOU. You and your husband already know your son and daughter-in-law well enough to know if this would be a good mix or not. For me, I would not want to do this. I would worry that I would become more and more dependent on them and I would not like that feeling overall. I would rather be dependent on say the IL or ALF to usher me about to appointments, shopping, and etc. I would hate the idea of feeling like a burden to my kids. Guess it is more or less the way I was raised. My parents took care of their own needs and welcomed us for visits. I would like to do the same with my grown kids. I think I might be OK with a detached living situation, but would want to pay rental, and would want to move to care when I needed care. So I think that this is a matter for each individual and each family to decide for themselves.
If this building was being put up for you at their expense then to my mind it is an automatic "no". That is way too much to let someone else do for me.

Not to be dismissive of your question but a introductory Marketing 101 book is what you would need to read to understand the concept of buzzwords which "aging in place" is a buzzword. Considering that over 40% of the US population is elderly (65+). The concept, I did not say website, agingcare or aging in place is a big money maker.

So, you have all these small to mid size contractors charging ridicululous amounts of money for additions or remodeling, offering some pipe dream hope you would be allowed to stay in place. Then there are SW and agencies ruled by the mighty dollar telling you you have rights not giving a crap about what you or your families needs really are. My question is why would you even consider allowing your children to use savings or take a loan out to provide you with a suite? If you were in such great shape, why would they offer? Funds from the sale of a home can be used for a senior aparment or AL.

You know at St Patricks Day Shamrock shakes always sound good but you feel like crap eventually and they cause issues.

The best thing to read is the posts on the forum here about the children who have asked elders to move in with them and are now trying to figure out how to get them to leave and move into Assisted Living.

If you want to see real resentment build, go ahead & ask your childless son to use his own funds to build you an in law suite on his property and then figure out how to care for you and your husband when you are no longer so 'graceful' and need care 24/7.

My husband & I have 7 children between us and we'd rather swallow a bunch of pills chased with a good bottle of whiskey than burden them with us in our old age. True story. On paper, it sounds so simple and lovely. In reality, it's a living nightmare for these children.

I can tell you this: I am an only 'child' myself at almost 64 years old, in full charge of both of my parents in their old age. I had to move them to my city back in 2011 when dad could no longer drive; I set them up in a lovely Independent Living apartment where they lived for 3 years until dad fell & broke his hip, requiring an emergency move into Assisted Living for both of them. He passed in 2015 and I've been managing my 94 y/o mother's entire life ever since; she now has advanced dementia and lives in Memory Care; has been in and out of hospitals, rehabs, doctor's offices, specialists, eye doctors, dentists, ENT doctors for vertigo, you name it, I've dealt with it. Alone. THIS is what your son and DIL will be facing with you and your DH whether you live on his property or in Assisted Living. It's just that with AL, they'll have their privacy and be able to get away from the 24/7 aspect of caregiving a bit more and not have to do the hands on part of it. Being an only child is difficult enough as it is, never mind having 2 parents living with you.

There are about 2 pros and about 2 million cons to your idea. Just keep reading this forum for the best education you'll ever get on the subject. And start looking into nice Assisted Living residences in the area instead, where the two of you can live with dignity & grace, and where your son & daughter in law can visit you as often as they'd like. That's a win-win situation for everyone

Good luck!

Years ago there was a list published by Dear Abby or Ann Landers with what a parent should do to make things easier when needing to move in with Children. I think it can work if no expectations. Both would need privacy. Either a good size bedroom with their own bathroom. I say big because they should have a sitting room. That the parent doesn't get their nose out of joint when the kids want to go out without them. Or take a vacation without them. That the parent knows their limitations and doesn't expect the kids to pick up the flack. They will use their own money to hire aides. Take a Senior bus for appts and shopping not relying on working children to take time off.

On this forum there are lots of parents that are "me, me, me" when children have their own responsibilities. They can't be your entertainment. Can't be at your beck and call. I have a school friend that lives with son and DIL. Her and husband take care of the children while son and DIL work. It seems to work for them.

If the in-law suite is being paid for by your son, would you be expected to pay rent? Will you be allowed to have friends visit without issue.
Will you have privacy, such as your own bath, bedroom and kitchen?
It can work out to move with adult children as long as ground rules have been established in the get-go. These should be in writing. The expectation that visits still must be on an invite procedure. Neither you or your son should just pop in on the other excluding if emergency arises.
I know of several people who this works out very well for them.
Best wishes

You and your husband will be doing your son a favor by moving closer to them, where they can be there for you as needed. As suggested in the other comments, it's best to have your own apartment with kitchen and bathroom, and ideally a separate entrance, so that you can remain as independent as possible, and have an agreement about the financial arrangements. And you may need other help at some point, someone to drive you places if you can no longer drive, someone to help with cleaning, an aide to take you to the doctor, etc. Of course the down side is that you will no longer be near your friends and will have to get used to a new "neighbhorhood." If you do move, get connected with senior networks so that you can make new friends.

I think the primary question is "Do you want to give up your home now??" What will you miss about moving from your current home??
Best wishes

First of all your son and daughter-in-law sound wonderful. It’s a generous offer. I have seen happy families live inter-generationally quite well. I wish I could bottle that secret formula!

You and your husband need to sit down and make a solid plan for your aging selves that is realistic and includes what will happen IF one or both of you become bedbound, develops dementia, incontinence, can no longer drive or cook a meal and all the various, ungraceful aging worst case scenarios that might arise in the future. Carefully consider the financial and emotional implications of those scenarios.

Only you and your husband can understand your own family dynamics and how that might play out. And only you and your husband know what type of financial situation you are facing.

The emotional toll of caring for or housing a parent can be overwhelming, and there are so many stories on this forum about good intentions that turned into absolute nightmares. And you need to consider any other players - do you have other children or family that might resent this arrangement? I might consult with an attorney to see what advice they might have. I did, when I first started managing my mother’s finances, and it was very helpful.

Okay, now that the ugly part of aging and living with family has been addressed, I really hope everything works out. As I stated in the beginning some people are very successful in making an arrangement like this work. Plan for the worst and expect the best.

how well do you get along with the DIL? and I would say as long as the property is totally separate from their house, maybe it might work. as long as everyone knows their boundaries of "just walking into each others house". etc. wishing you luck.

Sounds nice. I certainly hope it works for you. Since it is a separate home (kitchen?) your chances of it working seem high. If I may suggest, make some rules regarding boundaries. And maybe talk a lot about possible problems and how you will head them off.

Best wishes!

Fifty seems awfully young. Do YOU want to give up your home now? How is your health? Do you still work? Would you need to change jobs? Do you get along well with son AND DIL? Is SHE in full agreement?
Would they be the landlord? Are you going to contribute to the new build or are you going to build the new house with your own funds? If so, how much? As cold as it might sound because he's your son, you must discuss all of these things.

I think you should look into a senior living community apartment/condos.  One that has the next stages that you will eventually need...like assisted living and then long term care.  A senior living apartment/condo would take away the chores of maintaining a home, but still give you independence and socialization with folks your own age and situation.  Your son does not realize the ramifications of bringing you into his home.  Right now things are fine, but eventually they won't be.  Put yourself in a situation where professionals can handle your care as you age/decline and let your son stay in the role of just being your son.  Planning for yourself takes the burden and guilt off of your son.

Is it your plan to live in this in-law suite until one or both of you die? Or do you have plans in place for more advanced care when your son and dil aren't able to provide that level of care?

You don't indicate your age and I am wondering if you are "active lifestyle" seniors or homebodies.

I could see the in-law suite being an advantage to your son when you and your husband are no longer there -- rental income for them, either long-term or airbnb-type income.

I think it could work if everyone gets along wonderfully. You will need a back up plan cause you will meed it. what about your friends? can they visit you? what sort of freedom will you give up? what does this mean financially? do you have other children that might have a say? Can you hire someone to help out with the chores?

Try to get home care to assist with chores rather than lose your independence by moving into someone else's property. If you already have a concern, it might not be a positive choice.

I moved our father into our guest home next door that we paid $ on to fix up for him (my husband was willing at the time but deep down I think he resented it later). My father has been here 5 years and at first it was very convenient. We got along well and It was easy to check up on him regularly as he was starting to become forgetful. Unfortunately his dementia has worsened and he is very stubborn. He cannot see that he has dementia nor does he believe he needs more help. It’s taken a great toll on my health. I developed seizures, perhaps from stress I don’t know. But taking care of him is getting to be too much on me and he refuses a caregiver or assisted living. I was told I need to wait till he has a major fall or surgery then put him in a home but it’s very stressful worrying so much about him. I would not wish this situation on my worst enemy, however we really had no clue what we were getting into. We all meant well in the beginning.

My short answer is don’t do it!! This is the opposite side of the coin where the parents are asking if it makes sense, but even still it has a high chance of not going well. It is well intentioned of course, everyone will get along great at first, but then You will have “little things” pile up and when one of you needs extra help, the stress starts to build up. Stay in your own home if you can, downsize or get some assistance to come in - anything - but living together!! Even in a separate suite

It worked out for us, when my mom moved in. We had an upstairs apartment so she had her own space in our house, and she was in good health until the last 2 years of her life, at which time I became her primary caregiver (which is it's own story). She lived with us for over 20 years.

A few things you might want to consider, along with all the other things people here mentioned:

You say that you're finding chores more difficult. What sort of chores are you talking about? Are these things that I will assume your son and DIL already do, such as yard maintenance, snow shoveling, etc? In which case your moving in shouldn't add to that. However, if it's more the day-to-day stuff - housecleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking - then your being there will add to the work. I'm also going to assume that, since you mention the age of your home, you're already thinking about relocating/downsizing and you're not looking to put any major money into the home. Will you have the financial means, should the arrangement not work out, to find another place to live, be it assisted living or a smaller home?

Is this going to financially benefit your son/DIL? In other words, are they looking for you to help them with their finances, such as mortgage payments, etc.? This could be a potential sticking point down the road, because if things don't work out, there might be dissention about you and hubby leaving.

Whatever you do, and I believe someone else already mentioned this, but it bears repeating - you cannot look for your son/DIL to be your primary source of entertainment/socialization. My mom got involved in all sorts of activities - book discussion groups, volunteer work, traveling, etc. She had her own group of friends and carved out a very fulfilling life for herself. If she had solely dependent on me for that aspect of her life, I would have greatly resented it. If this is something you and your husband can do, I think it will help things very much should you decide to make the move.

I think it's very wise that you're trying to do as much research as you can before you make the move. What are your alternatives should you decided you don't want to do this?

Good luck, I really hope it all works out for you!

Again I wake up and read my emails and see another post here that parallels my life at this time. In 3 months I have to move into my oldest daughter's home. I have been on my own for many years. My wonderful Son in law is building me a room in the garage area. I know he will make it warm and comfortable. I will have to go into the house to shower and eat. My 3 grandchildren are at home still. They are very Respectful children. Because there are no places that I can afford I am forced to the Decision. I really want it to work out so much, I am keeping my mind set that being with my family will be a blessing for me and them. I have to make it work. I lived in Hawaii for 20 years I saw many Hawaiian people live all together in one home and they were at peace and they all respected each other. It can work! God Bless

If you are not yet ready to move out of your house, you can hire help for chores.

Have you made plans for more personal care in your own home if you eventually need that?

Would an "in-law suite" with your son be in their home? As many responses have suggested, if and when you and/or your husband need more and more help, expectations and resentments could become a problem when you are in someone else's home.

Someone else has mentioned a couple getting divorced after the parents moved into their home and made a large financial contribution to the in law suite. This happened in my family too.

The youngest son convinced his Mum to sell her condo and give him the money as a down payment on a home with a suite. Within 2 years he was getting a divorce, Mum’s name was not on the deed, she got none of the proceeds when the house was sold.

For OP, things to consider, where ever you move to:
transportation options for when you no longer drive. Do not expect a family member to be your driver.

Shopping, when it is too much for you, how will you get your groceries?

Repairs and maintenance? If you cannot do these, who will you hire?

Social Life. This is your responsibility, not ‘the kids’

Daily chores. Are you prepared to hire a housekeeper?

Personal Care. Who will provide this? I have made it abundantly clear that I will not bathe, nor wipe bums, to both my parents.

Finances. Are they in order? Who have you assigned POA? Is your Will up to date.

Rent, utilities and other money matters. If you move in, you should have a rental agreement in place, it will include your monthly rent, share of the utilities and other expenses. It will list those expenses that you will pay out of pocket too.

There is one thing I want to touch on that I have not seen addressed. My house is 55 years old. It is well maintained, structurally sound and although I could do some updating and refinish the oak floors, it is in great shape.

What chores are you finding challenging? How does the age of your house make the chores difficult?

I hired a fellow to help me in the yard 3 years ago after my lawn mower was stolen. He does the heavy work and I get to have fun puttering in the flower and veggie beds.

I hired a woman to help with a big project clearing out years of clutter inside.

Lastly I hired a crew to do a number of trips to the thrift shop and dump. I did not have the ability to move large furniture items.

It's always hard living with others.

You should try a weekend or week at a time.
If you own your own home, Rent it out and then if things don't work out, you'll have your home to move back in to.
It definitely must be a total place of your own with a kitchenette and your own door for coming and going.

Shold know about house rules, ect.

Know if you're suppose to stay in the in law suite unless invited to the house, ect.

I would stay in my own home as long as I could and if I could afford it, in time of need hire a Caregiver or Live In.

Good answers. Could you consult an elder care attorney and get that person's opinion and experience about these situations? You might have a plan in place should you need more care, should they need to move, get divorced, etc. My MIL lived with us, but had funds to pay her personal expenses, etc., for a daily person, and someone to stay with her when we were away. She paid the house utilities as a contribution financially. She was not able to socialize much so we visited her in house apt and her daily provided plenty of company. She slept a lot at that point. She moved onto a nursing home near us at a later point. She had A VERY EASY personality even when demented. I considered her a good friend. I probably couldn't have lived with my own parents in the house.

My MIL moved in with us; little apartment downstairs. She had funds for a daily person and help when we travelled. She paid the utilities as her contribution to expenses. She had a VERY EASY personality even when demented. I always loved her. Even so, when the time came that she needed two people to transfer her, etc, she went to a nursing home, gracefully. Her socializing was pretty limited by her energy; her daily provided much. We were extremely lucky with her daily who became a family friend. (Found her, by asking nice clerks at stores if they knew anyone. Friends tried to steal her.) Brief family visits did the rest. I don't think I could have managed, even with these minimal requirements, cheerfully, without her personality and funds.

Personally I would think twice. What looks "good" now can turn into disaster down the road if the parents need more help and care.....and most assuredly they will need more help and care. Are you prepared to do this (like do it all or almost all) - do you have a life? Responsibilities? A job? Think long and hard. What will you do then and what will they accept in terms of what happens to them. Unless the relationship is super loving and you can handle what is to come, it might ???? be ok. but check out all the angles before you go this route. What happens if their situation negatively impacts your lives? Will you put up with it or go a different route? There are many things to think of and you better think carefully.

lealonnie1:
"On paper, it sounds so simple and lovely. In reality, it's a living nightmare for these children."

I don't think there is a book that could cover all the issues - even if there was, it isn't completely geared to you/your situation. This site has MANY discussions where pros and cons are discussed. Some insist staying in your own place and hiring help, some insist family should provide all the care needed and some (I would hazard a guess it's most) find this becomes a nightmare.

As Mepowers said: "Plan for the worst and expect the best."

Mepowers also said:

"You and your husband need to sit down and make a solid plan for your aging selves that is realistic and includes what will happen IF one or both of you become bedbound, develops dementia, incontinence, can no longer drive or cook a meal and all the various, ungraceful aging worst case scenarios that might arise in the future. Carefully consider the financial and emotional implications of those scenarios."
and
"The emotional toll of caring for or housing a parent can be overwhelming, and there are so many stories on this forum about good intentions that turned into absolute nightmares."

The first paragraph covers some of the issues that NEED consideration. Just having a "safe" place attached to your son/DIL's home sounds great, but there are so many ways this can go awry. Certainly a contract can be drawn up, to cover various scenarios, but it'll never cover everything. One of the biggest issues could be dementia. My mother lived in her own place when dementia came, and she refused to move anywhere. THIS is very common. How would S&DIL handle this? Major medical issues happen. What if one or both of you need more care than they can provide? What to do if they change their mind and want you out or you and your husband want out? They've paid to build it and are left with the cost.

Jamesj - whole comment is good!

It's good that you're at least considering the facts that caring for your own place has become an issue and change needs to happen. It's nice that they have offered, but you really need to weigh all options and considerations for what the future might present to you. A backup plan would be needed.

* No ages or medical conditions listed for them or you
* Understand future medical issues can seriously impact everyone
* Contingency plans if this plan fails and/or extra care is needed
* Independence for you and them

Downsizing is an option to consider. This could be another smaller home, but will come with chores you are trying to avoid. Senior apartments eliminate those chores, but may not be conducive to socialization. IL facilities, esp those associated with AL and MC can be helpful. They allow you to be independent and eliminate chores, but also have the advantage of built in social activities and assistance you can opt for, like meals, cleaning and laundry. They also have graduated spaces for if/when you need more help, such as AL and MC, without having to find another place. It would require you to carefully check the places, being aware of cost, what is provided, get to meet various people who work and live there when checking it out, etc.

Other potential downsides to living in this add-on space:
 * Is it in your area or are you removed from your old community/friends?
 * Are there transportation options available?
 * What plans are in place should you need extensive care?
 * What plans are there should the "arrangement" not work out?
 * If it doesn't work out, what are their plans for the space?
 * Future plans for the space after you move or pass on?

As the saying goes, familiarity breeds contempt. The best of situations can change at any time. Your independence or theirs could be compromised. Negative repercussions might be the result if you choose to move or they ask you to leave. There are many considerations to making an "arrangement" like this and some can not be anticipated. It is a huge decision, for you AND for them. Tread carefully!

I think the two big issues are: Do you really like or enjoy being around them? Secondly, are you leaving your long time friends, hobbies, routines (moving away) to live in the guest house/apt? These answers might guide you. Good luck.

Yes, it can work. My mom has lived with me and my husband for almost five years. We were still newlyweds when she moved into our home. Her physical and mental health has been steadily declining, and she is now totally dependent - but we were prepared going in. It is stressful for all of us. I’m lucky - my husband has been amazing to both of us.
I’m guessing your relationship with your kids is good, since they’ve invited you into their home.

Before you make this leap, discuss every possible scenario you can think of together, and prepare as best you can.

If you can afford to pay rent, do so. Take them to dinner, a play, a ballgame, etc. and/or treat them to a night out (without you) occasionally. Verbalize your appreciation to both of them frequently. Give them their own space, and help however you can - but remember, they have their own way of doing things and it is their home. Ask before jumping in! And always be honest if you need help.

If possible, speak with a family counselor and attorney together before you move in.
They may have offer invaluable advice. Try to maintain a healthy, open, honest dynamic, and get family counseling before things get unhealthy.

Don’t be frivolous with money you do have - you never know what lies ahead!
Remember to reward them for their generosity toward you in your will, if you have assets at the end of your life.
And if there are other family members (your other children, grandchildren, in-lapses, etc.) PREPARE them in advance, and be united with your son & DIL to let them all know to butt out, and not be resentful.

Best wishes to all of you. Remember to enjoy your time together. 💕