Follow
Share

Mom lives at home with mild Cognitive impairment. Dad passed 2 years ago. Seems mom is worse, maybe dementia now. MCI diagnosis was 8 years ago. There are 4 daughters. When the Will was made, the 2 sisters who lived in same town were named executor and co executor and POA. Before dad passed, 3 daughters lived close. All 4 daughters were taking week a month to help out. After dad passed, mom decided to change POA to another sibling. For a year and a half we all took care of mom.


The oldest siblings husband had a serious heart attack, so she started caring for him, and Covid 19 prevented her the 4 hour drive to mom's, she stopped caring for mom. Another sibling caring for mom, has fibromyalgia and husband whose had 2 types of cancer decided to move out of state. She being exhausted and always in pain and no sleep and drained financially, flew back and forth for 6 months, then stopped caring for mom routinely, she was given POA because mom didn’t want to die at hospice like dad. The two daughters who have always lived close as executor and co executor want to save the money to have the larger inheritance. They do not want to hire caregivers. They did hire their son and daughter who have been layed off because of Covid 19. They are being payed by the hour and one goes in A.M. for 2 hours and one in afternoon for dinner and meds. It’s perfect. My sisters who are there do not have to go daily or sometimes just some hours on weekends.


They still want to charge the other 2 siblings 350.00 a week for each week missed monthly. One is also POA. I agree with paying sisters who handle financials and care for mom. They still want to charge the sisters who live out of town $350. My dad left enough to take care of mom. Can my sister who is also POA and executor of will charge siblings for not caring for mom and take money from them and subtract it from inheritance when mom passes? Dad and Mom in Will stipulated it will be divided 4 ways. Is this legal? It’s a mess.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Absolutely not legal.

Mum is responsible for paying her way as she has assets available to do so.

If my brother sent me a bill in the mail suggesting that I help pay for Dad's care I would rip it up. As it is we both contribute towards the maintenance of a family property, but that is a very different situation involving a trust.

Executor sister cannot legally change Mum's Will. If she does not divide up the remaining estate based on how the Will is written, she will be breaking the law.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

No she cannot charge you. She also cannot pay others under the table for care. That needs to be setup legally with a caregiver agreement and all taxes, social security, workmen's comp, etc deducted. Then that would cause problems with the kids unemployment, wouldn't it.

She needs an elder law attorney now to negotiate the legalities of all of this. Any payment for care is mom's responsibility with what dad left. Your sis is on a collision course with many legal problems and Medicaid qualification (if it is ever needed).

Paying for mom's care is mom's responsibility and must be done legally. Then, if, just if, you did pay for it mom and sis are off the hook for Medicaid qualification because the funds for care are coming from you, not mom. Then what if you have a mAjor medical event and need Medicaid? Then you would be denied because money paying for mom's care appears to be a gift to the kids from you.

What a tangled web we weave.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

Legal issues aside, I'd like to comment on the expectation of inheritance. This, unfortunately, seems to be driving some very poor decision-making in your family. Many on this forum (including myself) had the hope/expectation (verbalized by their LO) to inherit a house, property, assets, etc. What people didn't know (or expect) was the burnout caused by the ever-intensifying care needs of their LO. Going into a facility is very expensive. Outside help starts out more affordable but then becomes very expensive as her care needs increase and requires a lot of management. by the PoA. Hiring a private person is "cheaper" but makes you an employer and again, requires a lot of management and legal oversight.

Many countless participants on this forum have been witness to the fact that very hard-working, responsible LOs thought they had saved up enough for the retirement and care they were hoping to receive, only to be shocked at the immense cost -- especially now that we are all living to such old age.

My point is that your family can jump through all these hoops, ruin familial relationships and become burned out, and in the end you may desperately WANT to transition her into a facility when everyone is tapped out. Then guess what? She will need to pay with her assets, including her home. And if those assets don't cover the cost of her ongoing care, she will need to apply for Medicaid, and heaven help you if your family hasn't consulted with an elder law attorney regarding estate planning -- what would happen if she doesn't qualify? All this contortion in order to preserve an inheritance is all for nothing. This is a cautionary tale for you to consider.

I was raised by my mom and 2 aunts who never married nor had children. They always told me I'd get their home (I never asked for it). But they are living to 98 and 101 and are running out of money and their care needs are not even that great...yet. I have come to peace that they may require Medicaid if they do not pass in their sleep. That means selling the house. I'm now totally at peace with this. Please adjust your expectations for your family's situation so that your mom gets the best care and not at the cost of burning out her children and incentivizing them to do illegal (or at the very least, foolish) things just because she has burdened you all with a request you may not be able or willing to carry out. I wish you peace in your heart as you look at reality.
Helpful Answer (15)
Report

I think it’s important to state the obvious: any money or property that your mom has while she is living is HER money, and HER property and to be used to support HER care which is expensive and will become more expensive as she gets older and needs more care. Any consideration regarding how much money will be left for the siblings inheritance is secondary. For anyone to even consider their inheritance before considering whats best for their parent is simply very, very wrong. We’ve had 24-hr care for my mom and stepdad since 2017. My mom passed away at the end of 2017 but we still needed 24-hr care for my stepdad so he could stay in the home. Longevity runs in his family and all of his siblings are in their mid to late 90’s so whatever money he has must last that long to go to support HIM. We had to move him to senior living with memory care and it is also very expensive, but its still less than 24-hr care. That decision was made because we needed to make sure he has enough money to last another 5-10 yrs not because we were worried about an inheritance. Other family members in our family may be worried about “their inheritance” but too bad-its his money; whatever money is left as an inheritance must be a secondary consideration. Everyone needs to take a step back, put their hands back in their pockets and come to grips with this truth: as long as the parent is living that money belongs to the parent, period. That money is to be used to support the parent, period. Inheritances are of secondary concern. Any money the parent has regardless of the good intentions of their parents to leave money to their children becomes a moot point while the parent is alive. That money belongs to them not their “heirs” and the cost/quality of their care should absolutely not be cut short simply because people are worried about how much is going to be left for them. The care and wellbeing of your mom comes first. Whatever money and assets are left AFTER your moms passing would be distributed to those in the will after debts are settled. This is why who you choose as your POA is so very important.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report
disgustedtoo Jun 2020
EXACTLY! A POA's duty is to manage the person's income and assets as if they WERE that person. The duty is NOT to nickel and dime everything so that there is something left "for us".

As for charging those who can't provide care any longer, how heartless is that? They did what they could while they could. The reasons provided thus far to me seem reasonable enough for bowing out. What's the plan, burn them out, kill them off, so that the rest get more? Geez, mom has assets, USE THEM FOR HER CARE!

So long as there are assets and income that belong to mom, they should be used for her care, period. The assets and income are HERS. Were she still capable of taking care of herself, she would be using those funds anyway, so what's the difference? She might even be using MORE, if she were able to get out and go shopping! So, that is exactly what the POA should be doing, using her funds for her care.

As others commented, there might be issues regarding payments to family who are providing some care. Agreements in place? Taxes being paid? Or is this all "under the table"? If Medicaid is ever needed, they WILL be looking under that table! IF and ONLY IF the non-caregiving siblings wanted to chip in, THOSE funds could be paid to the others, but not mom's assets, unless there is a legit agreement from mom. But no one should be requiring ANY of you to "chip in" funds while mom still has assets.

Thankfully our mom and dad were savers. Once mom couldn't manage finances anymore, I took over - and believe me, I am cheaper than she was, at least when it comes to HER money! Set it all up in a trust to protect it from her and/or nefarious people. Nothing frivolous, just paid the regular condo bills before and after move to MC, found a nice private pay place and keep tight tabs on what is spent. If she needs anything, she gets it, otherwise, no dice. Her monthly "rent' for MC covers most everything, so for the most part it is that rent, some personal items, prescriptions, etc.

Because her condo was set up as a Life Estate, most of the proceeds were given to us when we sold it (per IRS regs), but we all agreed to put it ALL back into the trust (minus some to cover the cap gains charged to us). Anything left would be split between us, but it is better where it is than trying to leave it with each of us and collect as needed. It's also earning money and "harvesting" losses to help with trust taxes (the bulk is pre-trust money, plus the proceeds from the condo, so most of the money is principal, not interest income. If there's some left when she passes and everything's paid up, great. If not, mom's money was used for mom's care! No regrets for me.

NO ONE is guaranteed an inheritance (even a few rich people refuse to leave it to their kids, so they say...) If you get something, great, but no one should ever be "counting" on it, nor should they skimp on mom's care to ensure some/more is "left over for us".
(6)
Report
See 1 more reply
Did siblings sign some sort of contract to agree to take care of mom, and if they couldn't they would pay? Assuming, probably not.

Your mom and dad had a plan for old age and dad, as you say, left enough to care for mom. That is what THEIR money is for. To use for care while alive. The remainder is/may be inheritance. I will never understand children who go after money before someone dies - money that they did NOTHING to earn.

You might need to remind sis that being an executor of a will means that job does not begin until mom has passed. Being POA means she will manage MOM's money to ensure she is taken care of. Sis is not considering the money as belonging to mom.

If some siblings are in agreement to paying the $350, that is on them. If any can't afford it or choose not to, mom's money should be used for her care. In the end, the instructions of the will have to be followed by sis. If it says, divide it equally by all the children, that's what has to happen. That is the reason it is best to use their money now to pay for mom's care and what is left when she passes is the balance to divide by kids.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
JHarris Jun 2020
My oldest sister cannot pay. She has too many medical bills.
(0)
Report
No, the POA does not have the authority to charge siblings that don't care for a parent. Seems like they have legit reasons that they can no longer do the carrying.

The POA can hire someone to care for Mom but she better be keeping records. And she can not deduct what she feels as the cost of care from your inheritance since that cost should come out of Moms money anyway. I am a big believer in using parents money first and then using mine when theirs runs out. My Moms care took every last cent she had. The house sold for just enough money to pay delinquent taxes and the 6k owed to Medicaid. Mom was only on it 3 months. 10k was left split 3 ways. Because I used Moms money, I never had to ask the boys for anything.

Just tell Sister she needs to use Moms money for her care. Thats what it is there for. And, if I needed to contribute, I would want an itemized bill of what I was being charged for.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
JHarris Jun 2020
I do hope all the money for mom is used so there will be none to inherit!
(2)
Report
There is no basis on which you two non-participating siblings can be charged for your mother's care.

The POA is of course at liberty to *ask* (nicely) for contributions towards care costs; but given that your mother has ample assets I can't see the justification.

If they want their caregiving contribution recognised financially, through a caregiver's contract which would compensate them or anyone they hire for their time, then of course that's understandable and reasonable. Only it's a pity they didn't think of it before, when they were dealing with powers of attorney and the like.

Possibly, what the four of you among you might agree, is a variation by which caregiving time is paid into a separate bank account which remains accessible (and the money not spent) until such time as mother passes. The non-participating siblings could then accept a smaller division of the total estate, while the nominal "wages" are divided between the two participants.

But pay out of your own pocket now for caregiving expenses that your mother is amply able to meet herself? Nonsense.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
JHarris Jun 2020
Thank you!
(0)
Report
Seems most are in agreement here - no one should be "charging" the 'children' for not providing hands-on care. For the most part, children are not held responsible for a parent's care (the filial laws are usually brought up when a facility isn't paid - too much to go into here.) When able, nice children chip in for the care. However, given aging, increasing medical issues as we age, etc, this "plan" can go awry.

The other consensus is about mom's assets - they are hers and hers alone and should be used to cover her care and needs. The POA should be acting AS mom, doing what MOM would have done. The POA's job/duty is NOT to preserve assets for inheritance, the POA should be USING the assets, as needed, for mom and her care.

Billing siblings for being unable to participate? Pshaw. What if there were no siblings? Also seems very heartless, esp since the siblings have what seem to be legit reasons for backing off. If my brothers sent me a bill for not doing hands-on care for mom, I would either rip it up and throw it away, or send it back, with no such addressee on the envelope!

Our mother had a good amount of liquid (bank) assets and a condo that we finally sold, and those funds are HERS and HERS ALONE until she passes. They provide a very nice MC place for her and cover any incidentals and Rx needs as well. We don't have to contribute anything - if there's some left at the end, great. If not, we never earned it, so what's the big deal?
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
JHarris Jun 2020
My sister is treating it like the inheritance is hers now!
(1)
Report
Thank you. i appreciate all the information about this issue of being charged for mom. As being the other POA, I suggested my sisters get compensation from her assets. She is great physically, but her mind is not so good. I am having guilt issues by not being there for mom. I will go back in July, Aug and Sept. to stay with her as much as I can. My Executor, POA sister is not recognizing me for my duty as a POA also. Shes making all the decisions on her own. She just put in $1500. video cam in moms house. She did not discuss buying video equipment with me, but when i saw them, I thought what a great idea. But she will not give us two sisters access so we can watch mom along with the other 2 sisters. Its really frustrating, Its all about greed and control. I am willing to pay, like I told her, when moms money runs out. Please pray for me.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
cherokeewaha Jun 2020
You may need to check on the will and make sure your sister hasn't had your mom change it. We went thru this and lost our home that we were renting to own from inlaws. Over 30 years of payments, upkeep, maintenance wiped out by getting the surviving inlaw to sign new papers (will) even though they had dementia and could not make rational decisions. Good luck.
(1)
Report
This could present huge problems if mom ever needs to try and qualify for Medicaid. The five year look-back will scrutinize everything. As in other posts, it is advisable to have a consultation with an elder care attorney. A contract can be drawn up to pay the person providing care to mom, but that payment comes from mom’s assets.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
JHarris Jun 2020
Thank you! I may have to consult an attorney!
(0)
Report
I love how children somehow think their parents' money becomes their money once the parents get old.

Uh, no, it's the parents' money UNTIL THEY DIE. That means their money is to be used for their personal expenses JUST LIKE IT WAS BEFORE THEY GOT OLD.

Sorry for all the caps, but sometimes folks don't understand the most basic concepts.

It is not the job of any of the siblings to pay for Mom's care unless there is inadequate money in her own accounts. It IS their job to make sure she is properly cared for, so some oversight is needed to make sure POA Sister isn't squirrelling away the money for purposes other than the benefit of Mom.

Some people have a hard time with the concept that they're responsible for someone else's money, and POA Sister sounds like she's one of them. I'd check with an elder law attorney to make sure she's doing her job properly.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
JHarris Jun 2020
Thank you!
(1)
Report
It’s basically been said here I think but I haven’t read through all the responses so I wanted to put it another way.
Executor and Co-Executor responsibilities don’t exist until Mom passes just like the Will has no bearing legally until she passes so their input as estate facilitators has no bearing unless the family chooses to give it to them (I always encourage working together and including everyone in discussions) unless Mom’s estate is set up as a trust or some other legal structure that creates that.
Currently while Mom is still with us the POA is what gives someone active legal ability to direct her care but even that, unless it has a clause that gives them the right to act on moms behalf against her will (usually milestones have to be met proving her inability cognitively so protect her from herself), only gives them the ability to carry out her wishes, agree or not, with her funds and her well being not to dictate anything, especially require, suggest, guilt or otherwise arrange anyone else’s contribution.
Whatever type of POA and however many their are for mom, they all cease when she passes because there is no one left to represent and care for. Again I always favor all the siblings working together, consulting one another and you have an interesting set up, if I’m understanding it correctly, that kind of assumes that since you have one sister who has POA now and will be a Co-Executor later and then one who will be Co-Executor and a third who also has POA. Mom and Dad obviously trusted you all and expected you to work together, take care of each other as well as them not wanting the entire burden to fall on any one sibling.
You are obviously feeling guilty and knowingly or not it sounds like at least one sister is playing on that guilt. But no one, not even your mom has the power to require or dictate what you contribute financially or physically. Only you can decide just how much you can do just like each of your sisters is only responsible for determining what they can do, what you have done in the past, what you plan to do both in your own life and to support your parents have no bearing on what is in front of you legally or morally. Not everyone can provide the same things or in the same ways. There is no way to measure what someone else is giving because you aren’t standing in their shoes, traveling there to care for Mom once every couple months may be costing you far more than stopping over once a week costs your sister or vice versa and neither of you can determine or measure that for the other. If one or two sisters are going to waste energy trying to do that, well it’s their energy to waste not your responsibility.
All of that said, it sure seems to me your Mom and Dad wanted to spread the responsibility around so as not to over burden anyone and their assumption was that you would work together. Your dad left enough resources to care for your mom, he worked and planned it that way so his kids wouldn’t have to worry about it but counted on you to help her manage it so she will be properly cared for. It may be that your sister who is left living closer and taking on most of the day to day management is simply feeling overwhelmed and has lost sight of things and perhaps recognizing that, have a family meeting about how to spread the load, will help everyone.
The cameras have been a huge help for us, we didn’t spend that much though and we use Echo Shows as well so we can video visit with Mom throughout the day. My bro and I take turns checking in on her making sure she takes meds, drinks water, walks etc. I am 400+ miles away and bro is a pilot but we can do this from afar. He lives closest and this enables him to go up 1-2x a week. I do doctor contact, med ordering etc from here and he does transport, it works and we are each caring for mom and helping each other. It’s actually been bonding in many ways, keeping us in each other lives at a stage where kids, family location might cause us to drift otherwise
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
JHarris Jun 2020
Thank you for your words of wisdom. I wish my sisters and I could work this out in a peaceful loving way for my mom. Dad set up a trust years ago, I think it was in 2012. The two sisters who live close to mom and dad were over there all the time, until my parents started needing help. It’s a shame. They had dad change executor and POAs to themselves, The first will had the older sister as excutor. She lived 6 hour away. So dad changed it, so the sisters close by could take over as excutors and POAs. I was chosen by mom, as POA after father died in hospice. That was not a good decision made by my sisters. My dad was discharged to go home by 2 doctors. The hospice doctors came to her and ask her to put him in hospice. Wrong! He wanted to go home. He wanted to eat breakfast, if my dad was off meds for 3 days he would have to be hospitalized. My sisters knew this. The only thing we would have to do if dad came home was to take him to change his catheter 1 x a week. He had money to do this if we couldn’t take him. I promised I would stay with him and take him if they just let him come home. 3 sisters and mom still left him in hospice. I have never been so devastated. Dad didn’t deserve to die their way. He was not an invalid. He wanted to live and go home. God will judge us for this. I tried every angle I could to get him home. When I think about this I get so sick at my stomach. Now I’m having to deal with a greedy sister who will not consult me on any decisions. I finally risk going home in May, I got there walked into her house and smelled an oder. I went to guest bedroom, floor wet. Closet floor wet. I checked the hot water heater and the shelf it sat on was soaked. The hot water heater was the culprit. I had someone come change it. Then the next day, water was draining on my feet at the kitchen sink and looked under sink and it was flooded. Plumber said leaking faucet. Had that fixed. I had to mow grass it was up to my knees. The refrigerator seals were sticking. Found out, someone had put ice cream bar on top of ref. And had melted down and was making a sticky mess on seal. What a mess. I am to write my sister another letter about moms care and then call her. I want it on paper in case I have more problems later on. I’m trying to make it easier for them. My sister complained that she has to deliver Sunday paper. I said get it delivered. No that cost too much. I said not if your being over whelmed! Mowing grass, I said hire someone. She said no we are taking care of it. I said it’s not being taken care of the neighbor mowed it two weeks after I did, because it was not being taken care of. My fibromyalgia got me Dow for two days after I mowed it, because it on a hill. Every time I try to help it’s a NO. I ask her to find someone to clean gutters, and she’s been trying to avoid that since fall. I’m the one who racked and blew off leaves. To me, I wish I could do it all. I can’t now, But, I know she will still charge us the $350. a month. But I will do what I can and need to do and fight that battle later. She had dad put in will if anyone contest the will they give up their inheritance. I know there are probably ways around that, but I cant worry over that now. My focus is on mom. Thank you so much. I appreciate your concern.
(1)
Report
You need to make an appointment with an Attorney as soon as you can. You sister is so busy saving her inheritance that she is letting your Mom’s house fall down around her ears! Mom’s house is an asset that is legally needed to pay for her care. Your sister is being a willfully negligent POA.

Also, nowhere in the Power or Attorney paperwork does it stipulate that the POA can charge anyone money for not taking their turn caring for your Mother. She can only do what the Power of Attorney paperwork says she can do. Since you are also a POA, dig out your copy and see what it says.

You need an attorney that will send her a strongly worded letter, at least. It sounds like that’s the only way she will drop this nonsense, and TAKE CARE OF YOUR MOTHER’S PROPERTY!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

In my opinion, no they cannot cha5ge your siblings who no l9nger assist with care. After all, It's not as if they were under contract to provide a service that was not provided. I would contact an elder lawyer for advice or contact the attorney who drafted the documents for your mom. I also would contact adult protective services as denying your mother appropriate care to save money for the inheritance reeks of impropriety and possible abuse. After all, what will happen to your mom when and if your niece and nephew return to work?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I am so very sorry to hear about you mom. My mom just passed away from Alzheimer's two weeks ago. Your mother's doctor needs to be aware of things your mother is doing and saying. Your doctor needs to make a diagnosis on your mom. He may want her to see a neurologist for proper diagnosis. While your mother is living the POA is in effect. The trust is for when they pass and your mom & father listed in the trust on how to disperse of their monies, and how things are to be divided once they have passed. As your mom's dementia progresses she will need full time care 24/7. Plus, your mom could live another 10 yrs or longer with dementia, and how is your sister going to pay for that, she will eventually may have to sell your mom's house to help pay for her care, unless your parents are rich. It cost a lot for a memory care center. We noticed issues with my mother at least 3 years before she is diagnosed and she lived 2 more years in her home with a full time care taker and she had progressed to the point she needed to go to a memory care center for her own safety and she lived there another 6 yrs. So how does your sister plan on paying for your mothers care? My brother was paying the memory care center $5,980 per mo., and luckily my parents invested well and had enough to do self pay for all of those years, but that did not include having her hair cut or having her nails and toe nails cut. Those we had to pay for separately at the memory care center. I don't think she can charge you for not taking care of your mother, nor can she deduct that from your inheritance. Having said that please speak with an attorney and take a copy of the trust with you if you can. You have every right to see or get a copy of the trust, asked your sister for a copy that so you can take that to the attorney. Just don't tell her why you want it, tell her you just want to review it for yourself. Maybe all of the siblings should go to the attorney so everyone is on the same page.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I apologize if this has been mentioned before - haven't read all responses yet but what I have read are great suggestions. After I read about the water heater & lawn, it occurred to me that you want to consider taking pictures of areas that aren't being maintained just to document your concerns.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

No. A sibling cannot charge another sibling for care. The sibling who is rendering or arranging the care is doing so as POA and can take this money from the parent's accounts as needed for needed care, but not from a siblings account. And the will is set in stone. When the last parent dies the executor must distribute the funds as the will dictates, if there are funds left. It sounds as though, whether the parent enters care of needs care in the home, once all is said and done there may be no money to worry about. But no sibling is required to give money because ANOTHER SIBLING says so. Certain states do have laws about recovery of funds from children for parents care, but this is not what you are speaking of here, I think.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Imho, no, they cannot bill or charge siblings. You may want to consult your elder law attorney if this goes south.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter