Follow
Share

It's getting to be an increasing problem to the point mom's doctor just doesn't want to deal with me. It's almost like I feel he is trying to make me go his way or it's no way as I still need his approval for any renewal of meds, etc. It's far too late in the game to change doctors, so I have to make this work. I plan on getting an appt. with the doctor just to have a heart to heart talk. Lately, I call him just for a diagnosis of what is going on with mom and what to do (mom is bedbound since falling and there are new things to deal with) and instead of giving me some direction, just bluntly tells me "well, you know she's going to die"........ I'm sorry, but I feel this is inappropriate and insensitive.....to say the least. He keeps wanting me to just go with hospice and while that may be appropriate in some situations, it is NOT for mom at this time for various reasons. (FYI---mom just fell out of bed and recovering....is happy to be alive at this time, NOT wanting to die. She does NOT have a terminal illness.) Any feedback on how you all have dealt with this would be appreciated. cadams

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Cadams, I'm sorry for your loss. I think the coulda shoulda woulda thoughts are natural, it is just our heads trying to make sense of our aching hearts. I hope you feel a little better about things soon.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Cadams, so sorry for your loss.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

So sorry for your loss, you did a great job caring for your mom and I'm sure she knew how much she was loved and cared for. I wish you peace and comfort in the days ahead.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

So, sorry for your loss...know in your heart know that you did everything possible...give it over to God....and let yourself heal...you are now entering another part of life..that is going to be trying and difficult to walk through......I know I went through Katrina in 2005 and it was difficult....I thought I was dreaming and praying each day when I woke ....it was a dream...but it was not...I cried often and still do..... know that you will make it through this......remember you are one of God's angels...and he has a plan for you.    Please be careful and be safe!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Cadams, my sympathy. When my mom passed, a good friend who had lost her own mom years before acknowledged my feelings and told me it would get better, but "it takes a long time." Whenever I dropped into that pit of despair, it helped me to remember her words..."it takes a long time."
You did your best for your mom; you loved her and cared for her; you have this knowledge. Time will heal the heartache that reason can't explain. It just takes time.
My love and prayers for you at this time of change.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your mother Cadams. You certainly sound like a loving and caring daughter. I hope you can find some peace in that.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Try to find a Dr before worrying about it.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Oh please just vent away here! I think you deserve too. So sorry you are going through all this at once.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Thanks for your support during this most difficult time with mom passing. Yes, we DO live in Florida, smack in the middle of Hurricane Irma, but mom passed the day before it hit, so she was spared listening to the fierce rain and winds banging at the window as well as the horrible racket of the mobile homes across the street being ripped apart. Now that the hurricane is over and some have been notified of mom, the quiet is eating away at me with the shoulda, coulda's.......if you get what I mean. I am wondering if this is a normal thing at this stage, but surely I keep feeling.....if I had done this or that.....maybe she would still be here. What a horrible spot to be in...for anyone. I am more aware than ever now how completely depleted I am....of energy, of nutrition .....and sleeping MUCH more now as well as taking naps. I tried soooo dang hard to give her the best care in every way possible.....and yet, in the end......I still see where I fell short due to such bleary eyed exhaustion. No.....I wasn't the perfect caregiver by any stretch of imagination, but dang......in the end, just seems it should have been better. I just sooo ran out of steam.....and now feeling the guilts and condemnation. Sorry to vent here, but I am just being honest. cadams
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I am so sorry to read that your mom just passed before Irma came through....I hope that you are doing okay..I know this is an especially difficult time for you...I hope that you are not in Florida and have to deal with the aftermath of a Hurricane...may God protect you and keep you safe.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Cadams , I'm so sorry to hear about your mom passing. May you have peace knowing you took such good care of her.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Dear cadams,

My deepest sympathies and condolences on the passing of your mother. I am very sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time. Take care of yourself.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Cadams, sincere condolences on the death of you mothers. I hope that the knowledge that you did everything you could for her will be of some comfort.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Had amazing result with visiting Hospice care. For starters, the 'hospital bed suppliers' were not able to come up with a bed. Hospice got one delivered and set up next day. Visiting Hospice is the best of care because of their direct hands-on experience. I knew that it was not necessary to go to a hospice center, but the mere fact that I hadn't yet called meant that I didn't know enough about the program. My out -of -town daughter made the call. When she later called the doctor to ask if he would sign the medical consent Hospice needs....he answered the phone: Yes!!! He didn't say hello, staff told him why she was calling, he picked up with Yes. I'll always wonder why he didn't hand me a brochure or mention something in our appointment three weeks before. You wouldn't suggest in the presence of the patient, of course. Thank goodness for daughters. I had been on the approach side of calling, but would think of it late at night. My daughter went right to the source. Hospital affiliated, Hospice is five miles away. Hospice knows what is needed and can assess at once. The hygiene supply is premium quality, delivered overnight. I was using myriad supply houses, the quality was sub par by comparison. These visiting professionals who are angels in disguise, offer....nay....welcome calls 24/7, welcome them. I was impressed with the fact that their appointments were so concise. Part of me worried about people being underfoot, but no, they go to what is needed straightaway. Nurse takes vitals and chats with the patient. The physical aide changed the bed and bathed the patient. Each visit was 45 minutes, that was all that was needed. Made an enormous difference. Once when a prescription was needed, nurse called the Hospice doc. The prescription was delivered three hours later....in a thunderstorm. Helpful not to have to leave the patient? Yes. As you read here, please remember that you might want to relieve someone of the burden as my daughter did me. I wasn't given information about Hospice. I hadn't researched it yet, though it was a nagging thought at the end of any day. Do this for someone. Get the contact information and offer to make the call. At the least, find out if Hospice is available at your local hospital, we should all know that as a simple matter of reference. We can do do much better. Boards like this, the helpful questions and replies. Families want to keep the beloved at home, but we need information and help. And daughters.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I thank you all for all your feedback, support and encouragement.
I DID end up changing doctors simply because mom's primary Dr.
quit the field. I have to say the new Dr., while not nearly as mature, was pretty upbeat and more positive, so you all were absolutely right on about changing drs......
Sad to report now though that mom DID pass away peacefully in her sleep the day before Hurricane Irma hit Florida. So......now I am dealing with the shock of all that and in a whole different phase.
Thanks again. cadams
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I am not the person who takes Mother to her drs appts. I am a girl and I don't understand medical things :) Mother has brother who is an EMT take her. Her dr is nearly as old as she is--88, he's 85. Why in the world is she seeing this ancient guy? He can barely walk, himself.

Mother loves him, for some weird reason. She has attached herself to every dr she's ever liked. And I mean, over the years she was a weekly visitor to the clinic for one thing or another.

My sis researched geriatric physicians for mother, as hers was sick a year ago and didn't look like he'd come back. She got her in to a young, female and mother refused to go. Wouldn't even consider it.
My "beef" with mother's PCP is his age and lack of up to date medicine!! Two of my kids are drs and they are appalled at the 20+ drugs mother is on--most are for s/e of something else she's on.

Also, the dr kids have both stated that the best care you will ever get is from a younger female doctor. Just saying.

BTW, Mother routinely waits 6 months to get in for a visit for, say, a cold. Seriously?? The wait list for her dr is obscene--you could die while waiting to be seen. She has routinely got a UTI and she can't WAIT months to get in.

Grrrrrrrrr......the "heart to heart" with her about changing drs just resulted in my being sent to timeout (again).
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I had many of the same problems with my mom's PCP that have previously been stated. My advice: Run, don't walk to find a mobile/house call doctor! It has made all the difference in the world!! Google mobile doctors, house call doctors, homebound, in your area. If you have regular Medicare it is easier than a Medicare Advantage for this service. They come once a month (either a PA or NP) write prescriptions, can do any lab tests in the home, etc. The best thing about a group like this is that you don't have to do any explaining. They get it because this is mostly what they deal with. You may have to do some calling but they are out there and are a LIFESAVER! Sometimes the larger Hospice organizations have a group they work with. Hope this helps. My mom is 95 with Alzheimers.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

C Adams: I would suggest to change doctors...it is never too late when it comes to her care.....you can have a heart to heart but it may not change the outcome...if he is providing her with the best care..then you may want to keep the doctor..or get a second opinion from another doctor if her insurance allows it...are just change to another.
Medicine/Insurance/Home Health and Hospice agencies may sometimes seem like you are hitting a brick wall and you are because your hands are tied...it is always a problem in getting the doctor to approve their care...I do not know what the problem is..because you contact the insurance agency and they say it's covered but if you can get through to the doctors office you may not get your answers, you may never get the returned phone call and then you only get half of what you asked for.

The sad part is you need a doctor to approve all the orders with Home Health. Hospice they have a medical director that can handle all of the issues..so it's a 50/50 split...because Hospice is only for palletive care...they do not care if the patient, eats, drinks, poops, takes their medicine or if they slowly decline and die.

The best thing for you is to put your  emotions aside and deal with them on a logical standpoint...this is hard to do..but it is the only way to handle all the aspects of taking care of her.   A word of wisdom...plan ahead...know what you want to ask....before you talk to the doctor, nurse or agency and document everything that happens...this may be of benefit to you one day.

Does your mother have a hospital bed..can you get one for her with the side rails so she will not fall out of bed...if your insurance does not cover it..you can rent one...or buy one...look on line someone might have an inexpensive one to sell..if she goes under Hospice ...she should be able to get one if the doctors approves it.

Do some research and if you have care for her at home...and it meets your expectations..then keep her at home..because a nursing home is the last place you would want to see her..In order for her to get the care be... firm..and direct.     Good luck you will be in my thoughts and prayers..
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Cadams,
The folks who are recommending hospice are likely not aware that you already have great in-home care assistance.
I suggest you ask the care manager and/or the nurse and therapists to recommend a new PCP.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Hopefully you have all the legal documents in place (DPOA, medical directives, etc).
As others have questioned, why is it too late to change doctors? I see by default (doctor up and quit) you are now going that route and hope you have more luck with the "new" one - if not, do not hesitate to seek out someone who will work appropriately with you.
Although our mom's doctor did not behave like this, we had to change because he or his office just was not working with us. In order to work with federal pension, we needed a specific Dx for mom. They required we come in for exam, which we did. I had to leave the exam room when she started getting belligerent with the tech doing tests. The doc talked to me before going in, and assured me he would provide that letter. Despite pinging them at least once/month via the portal (or by phone if I could ever get through) AND her regular physical several months later (brother took her), I got the run around. No response or we need to know what you need - I SENT that to you via mail, copies of the documents explaining it all, BEFORE the first visit... but hey, here is a way to update via the portal, here you go AGAIN. Oh we need the DPOA, here you go! End result, 6 months later, lots of frustration and no letter. I still tried, but meanwhile took her to my PC who not only provided a letter, but SEVERAL because the just right magic words were not in place. NEVER heard from the other doctor.
No doctor should be saying there's nothing to be done, she's going to die. We're ALL going to die, sometimes too soon, but that is totally unacceptable and ridiculous.
Yes, others have said it can be difficult to find a new doctor - they might not take your insurance, etc. I had to choose my MA plan carefully (even the previous one too) to make sure the doctors in my area that I have been to accept that insurance.

Hopefully by now you have a new, better doc in place and mom's care is proceeding. As for sister, again that question about DPOA and medical directives are important. If YOU have that in place and YOU are the primary, sister cannot do anything but moan and complain. If SHE has that power, you could have a battle brewing. If none of you has this power, in order to ensure mom gets the care YOU want, not what sister wants, you might have to go the court route to get guardianship and stewardship. This can be costly and time-consuming. If sister's primary concern is $$$, remind her that if this battle is taken there will be little or no $$ left! If she does not have to care for mom then just what is her complaint?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Sorry to hear that. My parents have/had an amazing primary Dr. so I have been lucky. I had a friend who had the same problem (except it was other family members, siblings) so she went and got a Hospice referral. Her mom was denied. The family members just didn't want to care for her anymore.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I recommend that you at least meet with Hospice and gain clarity as to what Hospice is about. You say you are caring for mom 24/7 and she is recovering. Thats terrific and okay. Please understand that Hospice (in home visits) will certainly not replace your active caregiving. But you will gain some valuable assistance and help in mom's recovery. They can be a great "add-on" to your care and right arm to help you understand what comes next with mom, expected outcomes, arrange some PT or therapies to help optimize mom's recovery. Lots of folks misundertand that Hospice is only end of life; thats not necessarily true. If the doctors support Hospice visit and you can get it -- then by all means take advantage. If it doesn't work out -- then you can always stop Hospice.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Which brings up new question? When mom left rehab from hip fracture she had approx 100 Percocet tablets. I separated her meds in dosing dividers. I've just learned that when my brother busted her out of respite care, his wife took the Percocet away from her. What she did with them nobody knows. Point being she is here at my house riding out the storm and is having pain. What to do?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My mother's internist recommended Hospice or nursing home after her hip fracture and due to dementia and for medication management. Mom got very angry. Went to a new GP who does just the basics. Point being one year down the road, my mom does in fact need professional medication management. She has placed back in her home (by my brother) to live alone and is shut-in. I would far rather have taken the doctor's advice than see my mother live in such haphazard conditions.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

My husband has many health issues. We were with the same doctor for over 20 years. Frankly, because my husband was uncooperative with the doctor, we started to have the inklings he had given up on hubby. His wife was my doctor. Without any warning, hubby's doctor started working only with Workmen's Comp cases and was only seeing patients one day a month. We waited 3 months for an appointment. Hubby's health issues do not permit that. My doctor changed offices and is now located about an hour away from our home. This was also with no warning. Both of us have new doctors and in my opinion, they are much better. Don't hesitate to change and explain to Mom why. She will understand why.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Cadams, your profile says that your mother has Alzheimers. Is that right? I'd try to find an expert who treats patients with this condition on a regular basis. They may be able to provide more information and guidance on her care and what can be expected in her progression. I wish you luck.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I am going through this as well with my mother's doctor.
Several times I have written a note with my concerns and "secretly" given it to the receptionist before the appointment. Twice the doctor has talked to my mom about concerns I wanted addressed, but at the last appointment, nothing.
She doesn't think she needs new hearing aids, or to even get the ones she has checked and adjusted, but she is constantly saying "What?". Then she gets upset when I need to talk louder. I told the doctor, hoping he would recommend a hearing check (since she won't do it at my suggestion) and he didn't mention it. He ignored another issue as well.
He pats her hand, says, "I just think you're doing real well", and sends us on our way.
To add a complication to this, I (and a professional therapist I consulted) have decided she probably has schizoid personality disorder, and has had it for a long, long, time. So of course she knows what's best and sees no need to find another doctor.
It's extremely frustrating on many levels, and I just keep trying to take care of myself.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Yes, I would meet with the doctor and not hesitate to change if he is unable to meet your mom's needs. I am a nurse and advocated for my mom for two years. I have reported doctor's to the medical board and also given them a piece of mind over time.
One battle I could not win was medication. The Nursing Home and physicians "double teamed" me here. My back was against the wall (so to speak). As far as Hospice, for us, it was a prayer answered. Mom had so much more attention and care and had Hospice for close to a year. Advocating for our loved ones can be bone-sucking, but I am so thankful I was able to do this for my mom.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Totally agree, it is never too late to find another Dr. See if you can get one. Call medicare. Your Mother deserves better then Dr who doesn't care.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Cadams,
There are two kinds of Medicare. With Traditional Medicare, it's pretty easy to find doctors. If you have Medicare Advantage, it can be much more difficult because you are restricted to a network. And about the doc saying LO is at the end of life, my Dad's doc said this to me 11 years ago and he's still going strong.
Blessings,
Jamie
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter