Has anyone butted heads with the primary doctor in what's best for your loved one?

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It's getting to be an increasing problem to the point mom's doctor just doesn't want to deal with me. It's almost like I feel he is trying to make me go his way or it's no way as I still need his approval for any renewal of meds, etc. It's far too late in the game to change doctors, so I have to make this work. I plan on getting an appt. with the doctor just to have a heart to heart talk. Lately, I call him just for a diagnosis of what is going on with mom and what to do (mom is bedbound since falling and there are new things to deal with) and instead of giving me some direction, just bluntly tells me "well, you know she's going to die"........ I'm sorry, but I feel this is inappropriate and insensitive.....to say the least. He keeps wanting me to just go with hospice and while that may be appropriate in some situations, it is NOT for mom at this time for various reasons. (FYI---mom just fell out of bed and recovering....is happy to be alive at this time, NOT wanting to die. She does NOT have a terminal illness.) Any feedback on how you all have dealt with this would be appreciated. cadams

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Why is it too late to change doctors? If he doesn't meet your expectations, wouldn't it be better to find someone who does?

I wouldn't tolerate his attitude toward giving up. I assume he's not a geriatric doctor?

We had two PCPs who were lousy; only a few visits and they were history. There were also 2 internists who were more thorough but clearly didn't know how to deal with older folk and they're history now too. I've got recommendations for a geriatric doctor, so that'll be the next one, and hopefully he'll work out.

I tried to work with the doctors who are now history, but some of them weren't worth the effort. One of them insisted that my father should be taking Fosamax, and insisted that he "has to take something!" Never once did he raise the issue that walking is the best exercise for osteoporosis. Nor was he concerned about the side effects of dangerous drugs like Fosmax. After a few discussions and he just couldn't grasp the fact that we don't see medicine as the solution for everything, and after his office failed to cooperate in getting home care, we moved on.

You can try one last time but if the doctor doesn't change his attitude, I'd find another one. It isn't worth the agony of trying to make some of the old style doctors get on board. Some of the younger doctors are so much more progressive. I love to work with them.
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Cadams; I sympathize with your problem with mom's primary. We had a similar situation with mom's primary back in the day and we were able to find her a wonderful geriatrician who practiced at/near the Independent Living place where we moved her. So don't give up on the idea of finding a doctor who will be a better fit; find out if there are doctors who make house calls in your area.

As to hospice, it sounds as though it might be a good idea, even though she is not actively dying. If the doctor will recommend it, it gets you a new set of medical professionals who will evaluate and support you in your keeping mom at home, and keeping her comfortable.

Many patients "graduate" from hospice because they do well.

It sounds as though there is not really a definitive dx for your mom at this point and what she needs is comfort care. That is really the definition of hospice.
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Dear cadams,

Good of you to advocate for your mom. GardenArtist is right, its never too late to find another doctor. Or report this doctor the Medical Association if necessary. I know its hard to find a good doctor but its worth it. Take the time to call around and see if you can get a second and third opinion.
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Well, I guess life has a way of working things out ...... I called my mother's Primary Dr. to set up an appt. to have a heart to heart talk to see if we could work things out, but found out that he just quit the field last Friday!!!! I am stunned as well as his staff. So, now I will have a meeting with the Dr. they transferred us to and see about a fresh start. I am thinking mom's former Dr. may have been experiencing burn out and that is why the awful attitude.....quite unlike his usual warm, friendly, helpful ways. Feedback? cadams
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I thank you all for all your feedback, support and encouragement.
I DID end up changing doctors simply because mom's primary Dr.
quit the field. I have to say the new Dr., while not nearly as mature, was pretty upbeat and more positive, so you all were absolutely right on about changing drs......
Sad to report now though that mom DID pass away peacefully in her sleep the day before Hurricane Irma hit Florida. So......now I am dealing with the shock of all that and in a whole different phase.
Thanks again. cadams
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Thanks for your support during this most difficult time with mom passing. Yes, we DO live in Florida, smack in the middle of Hurricane Irma, but mom passed the day before it hit, so she was spared listening to the fierce rain and winds banging at the window as well as the horrible racket of the mobile homes across the street being ripped apart. Now that the hurricane is over and some have been notified of mom, the quiet is eating away at me with the shoulda, coulda's.......if you get what I mean. I am wondering if this is a normal thing at this stage, but surely I keep feeling.....if I had done this or that.....maybe she would still be here. What a horrible spot to be in...for anyone. I am more aware than ever now how completely depleted I am....of energy, of nutrition .....and sleeping MUCH more now as well as taking naps. I tried soooo dang hard to give her the best care in every way possible.....and yet, in the end......I still see where I fell short due to such bleary eyed exhaustion. No.....I wasn't the perfect caregiver by any stretch of imagination, but dang......in the end, just seems it should have been better. I just sooo ran out of steam.....and now feeling the guilts and condemnation. Sorry to vent here, but I am just being honest. cadams
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Do you have the option of palliative care where you live? This could give you access to a visiting nurse to work with you about mom's health care issues and limit contact with the doctor to prescription renewals. AgingCare has a couple of article about palliative care, or you can search the site for what others have written

www.agingcare.com/articles/palliative-care-how-it-can-help-your-aging-parent-achieve-quality-of-life-136281.htm

www.agingcare.com/articles/palliative-care-what-is-it-and-how-is-it-different-from-hospice-197744.htm
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Katiekate......I hadn't heard that drs. are not accepting new medicare patients. Is that across the board, all over the USA? Kinda scary. Now what do we do? I am on medicare myself......
cadams
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My mother's internist recommended Hospice or nursing home after her hip fracture and due to dementia and for medication management. Mom got very angry. Went to a new GP who does just the basics. Point being one year down the road, my mom does in fact need professional medication management. She has placed back in her home (by my brother) to live alone and is shut-in. I would far rather have taken the doctor's advice than see my mother live in such haphazard conditions.
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Cadams,
The folks who are recommending hospice are likely not aware that you already have great in-home care assistance.
I suggest you ask the care manager and/or the nurse and therapists to recommend a new PCP.
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