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Hi, new here. 46 taking care of or rather babysitting my mother who is 72 while my dad still is healthy and works. Started this venture simple back in 2015. She's been in and out hospitals, rehab. That's my life now. I have no life or no help from any family or my BBF. I think she gets sick of me talking about it so I don't any more, I really don't talk to her much anymore. I gave a lot up. I am 46, not working, no/little income, no life, no thanks, nothing. I want my life back.


I rarely go out. I am finally seeing a family doctor after seven years cause it was about her. We do have a lady comes in a few days a week. I want my life back. I did not sign up for this. I got yelled and screamed at this past weekend, was my burn out point. Mom is 72 gets around pretty good she needs watching she can't drive any more my options are really limited but she have health issues alone burn out and stressed out if I bring all this up I get yelled at I get no support from out side when I bring up my health I get yelled as well had
my first doctors appointment no support. I want her to die. I hate both my parents. I want to move really bad I used to be fun and very active life went every where careging sucks I don't want to wake up most times it sucks the life you had out of you. I want to date, travel and work I can't I miss the old me the happy me it's gone. I don't even smile any more like I used to how can I get my old me back with out pissing my parents off? Sorry it's long post, this is how I feel.

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Lola,

Did you always have a rocky relationship with your parents? Maybe you will never be compatible with them and it’s in everyone’s interest to separate. You sound utterly miserable. It’s not worth staying there and being in agony. Save up your money, then just go. Cut all ties if you have to.
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Exact opposite,, my mom was no burden. In fact, the happiness and joy in the home is gone since she's gone. Holidays mean nothing, and truthfully anxious to clean out home, take what really means the most to me, and move.
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Holidays can be hard, Shad when we miss people.

Your mom would want you to be at peace and feel joy.

Move to a new home if you desire that, Shad. Do what you need to in order to heal. Your mom will live in your heart forever.

Sounds like you truly loved her and miss her. Have you ever sought out a grief support group or counseling?It may help. Best wishes to you.
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I do have some income I watch a little dog a few times a week
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Thanks every one I am def not going to take care of any one after this cause I know what I'm in for I can careless about my parents I hope she dies I pray every day I am brutal with honesty here folks. I hate both of them. My dad can not handle anything or he flips out to afraid to have any one come over cause of the way he is he's getting worse at 67 years old he flips he's 💩 a lot can't handle simple things like ordering on Amazon for me became a screaming fest I normally order stuff myself but had no gift cards that's how I do it I hate debt gift card. Then for gets he screams at me oh how they both for get so early then I am the bad guy no no no my one friend has seen them the way they treat me her mouth drops open in disbelief she does not come over any more.
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Make a step by step plan to get out on your own. Your parent have many years left. Can you see yourself in this situation for the next 10, 20 years? If all you can manage is a part time job out of the house, it's a start. Save, move. It won't get better if you stay. You can help them from a distance.
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Lolaloud Nov 2019
I have plenty of job experience been working since I was 14 years old through a school programme I have been watching a small dog a few days a week
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I'm going to tell you something a very good friend said to me years ago when I was really stuck in a bad situation. "You are repeating yourself". At the time I just kept saying how I felt over and over without finding an answer to my problems. But you do have some things in mind - the women's shelter and a job. You have to start moving on that. Other solutions will come to you as you make the move. Your parents don't seem to care about you, so why would you care about their reaction to your going? You do not belong to them. You are not too old to begin your life all over, take classes if you need to for a job, and be with people your own age once in a while. Good luck.
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I wish I had a great answer for you. Seems simple to say go, get out, and return to your life. But it’s often more complicated than that. I also miss the person I used to be. But for me, I don’t think I’ll ever be that person again; organized, attractive, gainfully employed. It’s been over 10 years now. First my mom, then my aunt, and now my father. He’s end stage now so my caregiving should be coming to a close relatively soon. But I’m different now. Not to be dramatic but it’s like having been through a war. I’m anxious now, jaded and bitter, withdrawn. When I made the commitment to be a superwoman caregiver, I knew it would be tough. But I had no idea that it would completely soul crushing. I feel like I’m dying too. There’s nothing left. I was shocked how many people told me to not volunteer to be the caregiver, but now I understand. If you have an out, then use it. Before you’re only a shell of your former self. No matter what you do, I wish you strength and better days. Thank you for letting me vent.
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So well said. Caregiving changes lives. It really does.

Of course, hard for parents to be dependent on their children too.

Some parents are appreciative and others are downright mean. It’s especially hard to care for people who are ungrateful and mean.
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Take back your life. Don’t worry about what they think. A caring parent would not be treating their daughter this way. I used to stay with my Mom, lost everything that was good about myself. I couldn’t take it anymore. I left and moved from Ohio to northern Maine. I still had a few friends left who helped me. But I was prepared to go to a shelter if I had to. You can do it!
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Hi,I am also new.I read your post and was so thankful for your brutal honesty about your feelings and I felt relieved that someone else is feeling same way.I feel guilty when I want a life besides this day after day.Not much appreciation and I feel bitter at my family for not helping or caring or calling to check on him.I did sign up for this in sense of I brought him into my home.I think your right about friends dissappearing I don't have any contact with them and NO LIFE outside of this full time job .I feel so alone.*sorry I can't seem to erase this or move it.I posted it in wrong place.I apologize.
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It doesn’t get any better. I did full time caregiving for nearly 15 years in my home. Every year that passes by gets harder to endure.

At least take breaks if you can. Can you hire someone to help? Can you be put on the waiting list for Council on Aging? They will provide a few hours of respite care if your parent qualifies.

Can you plan a for assisted living facility or nursing home for the future? Speak to a social worker about the next step. Hugs. It’s so hard.

My Lord, just read your profile. You have your hands full! Please get help soon.
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You are 46 years old. Get out.

Go to the local women's shelter, get some counseling and get a job and get on with your life.

You made a choice and now you have to make another choice.

Why do you care if they get mad.

You say they are always mad, so why would you moving out, being a grown woman, paying your own bills and doing what responsible adults do make them madder than they already are? Let them be mad.

Your mom will either figure it out or they will hire someone to come help. Works great for everyone, you have a life, they have their life and maybe at some point you all can have a relationship.
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Do what you need to do, Lola. Don’t stay in this misery anymore. Sorry I just reread and forgot your age. Look, weather you or 26, 46, or 66 you deserve your own life!

Also, children with siblings often don’t have help either. I didn’t get help from siblings when I cared for my mom.

You need to start concentrating on you!
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Lola,

You deserve to have some time to yourself. So take it and don’t feel bad about it.

Do you mind telling us your age? You need to be planning for your own future. Please don’t sacrifice your entire life for your parents.

Did you ever have a good relationship with your family? Was it always this bad?

Sounds like you are burning out fast. Can you speak with someone? A social worker to help plan for your family’s needs.
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Lolaloud Nov 2019
46 years old only child at this point ready to move in a women's shelter where I live I been thinking about it my one option for know we have servel where I live then get my own place and work my goal
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Lola,

I understand. Truly, I do. I cared for my mom for nearly 15 years in my home and many years before that in her home. It’s very hard.

My brothers did not help. Mom pitted us against each other. Nothing but criticism from all of them. I ended up asking my mom to live with my brother and SIL. I did way more than my share! Sadly, due to all of the damage done in our dysfunctional family I have no relationship with any of them.

It’s sad but I don’t have the power to change anyone, nor do you so we have to start taking care of ourselves.

Please be proactive in preparing a plan to free yourself from your misery and find joy again.
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Lolaloud Nov 2019
Only child no help no support but me me alone I hate all this tech stuff cause they keep them alive moore I wish we did it have the drugs to keep them alive or prolong or keep them going. I can't wait for the day then I can be free and do want I want I hate being bitter this is not me they both made like this thanks.
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I wish you much luck with this. I've been in a similar deal with my mom for years
it's a learned conditioning and takes some effort to unlearn. Long ago I saw a therapist and he said we were too enmeshed. I agreed.
I have read up on a lot of subjects but one that makes sense to me is Co dependence. Habits really hard to break. We know we need and want to get away but can't seem to shake them or get the energy to finally go. Money reasons, feeling give out and not thinking we can make it without them or them without us. So on.
I fall into all of those stinking thinking thoughts.
Then last year she moved in with me. Something both of us didn't want. It has been a down hill dive ever since.
Read up on these subjects and you might see yourself in the descriptions.
If you are able to go out and have some fun, go ahead! Feel free for a little while.
hope it works out and still vent here.
best of luck
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Lolaloud Nov 2019
Normally when dad comes home from work I take off to the mall or I go out to dinner I did it a few times a month just by my self but I miss things cause everything is about her them can't stand it this summer I did a beer garden a ball game sushi place but then I get burn out once I get through the door I was lucky I got to go I even went to a car show but then they don't like it when I do things oh well I got yelled to believe me
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Tell Dad you are planning to get a job and move out. Let him figure out how to care for, or get care for, your mother, who's only 72 years old at this point, and can easily live another 20 years. This right now is your default future if you do nothing. Instead, make plans to create a new life for yourself, starting immediately.

If you want your life back, TAKE IT BACK, my friend. Only YOU have the power to do that. You did not sign up to be a permanent care giver for your mother who may wind up outliving you at this point. Speak to your father about the situation immediately.

Best of luck!
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Lolaloud Nov 2019
Thanks like I said just can't not even getting paid for everything I do but I guess food and a place to live covers it no it does according to my dad I should get a little pay hopefully I can get a job I miss having one I miss a lot if things I wish I got out of this like my cousin did she was smart
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i hate every moment of it's like me and mom are stuck at the hip. Like the movie stuck on you its def how I feel know like I just can't the only time I have is when she's in rehab or in the hospital this time was in for all most a month I was totally free went shopping hanged out let other people take care of her.Its all ways let me do this or that with asking me first if I want to do it I am in a stuck mode things don't get better I regret doing this know gave up my life. Only child first off small family just me and my parents no family friends she has no girlfriends never did my dad has no friends but is close to his brother. No grand parents died a long time ago when I was in junior high I have Aunts but not close I consider them people I know. I rarely see or talk to them two cousins one I hate cause she has a life and does not care for her mom who is way worse then mine not fair she has a life the only time she sees her mom is for money she does not work has two degrees and is lazy her mom enables her a lot by giving her money my aunt has tons of health issues so does her boyfriend they are both in their 70s he's a war vet they live alone but has nurses aids helpers that come in lucky that my cousin got out of caring for her mom life is not fair it sucks
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Getting your old you back, you may have to ditch at least some of the "without pissing my parents off" part - depending, of course, on how easily pissed off they are.

Why does your mother need minding? She's young for this, at 72, with four years already under your belt.
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Lolaloud Nov 2019
My mom has some health issues and needs help from time to time she uses a walker to get around and has a wheel chair trust me my parents get pissed easyly if I say something wrong plus my dad is a def a nor everything his way or no way he's been getting worse lately not better never liked my parents I get 💩 all the time he can't handle anything takes it out on me
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Okay, you have all the signs of depression and burnout. I’ve been there and done that!

Do whatever it takes to get your life back. Not good for you to be filled with resentment. Of course, you have your reasons. I am not judging you!

Not good for your mom to have a caregiver that is miserable.

Can you give us a bit more details please? Maybe we can help more with more information.

Hugs!
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