Brother wants to take over caregiving. Any advice?

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My siblings have not helped me at all with my parents. Now all of a sudden they are "worried" about me. My brother does not agree with my parents living in independent or assisted luving..or paying for caregivers. He and his wife think they can do a better job at caring for my dad with dementia so they can keep the $$$$ for themselves.

My brother thinks that he is better suited to care for them..and that you just have to know how to "handle" my dad. He told my sister he will move them into his house and can lock them in when he needs to. He is completly clueless about dementia and what it is actually like on a day to day basis, He thinks that my parents will be like they were 10 years ago when they would visit on vaca.

So...his plan is NOT to support me in getting them in an assisted living when the time is right..or to leave them where they are now and hire caregivers. He plans to schlep them 1000 miles away, and badically let his wife care for them....and all this because he claims this will "help" me....i am sure this is all money oriented.

So..if he takes them cross country i will be completely out of caregiving...and their lives. Caring for them is difficult and I do need help..but they are the only family I have now...i would be mortified to have them "care" for them..and probably more stressed about the possibility of them being abused.

Anyway..i have known all along this is why he has never supported me or attempted to help me. Also my mom is very stubborn and will not give anyone POA. I wanted us all to get together and get POA from mom.

Anyway just venting.. Of course if i dont take this offer...then he will say...well..we offered..you are on your own.

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Okay, continuing... (off and on), and others who have given advice good and bad. If I didn't love my mother such a great deal, I would have had her in AL a while ago. I've finally started checking out places, but it's going to break my heart when I have to put her in one.
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It sounds like he has no clue about what's in store for them. I'd appear to be agreeable and helpful -- and give them a rundown of what your typical day is like. Then give them one of the worst, very casually. "I'll never forget when Mom..." I've got several of those. Give them a useful tip or two on how you assist your mother when she gets up in the middle of the night and thinks it's daytime, or the extra laundry due to "accidents." Did any of us really have a clue as to what was in store for us when a parent or parents needed our full-time caregiving? I have had relatives concerned about me (which I truly know they are), ones who provide assistance to me (off and on
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Katiekay, by not having POA's in place your mother will give her rights away, to the system and a stranger, when the time comes. Would she rather choose who that person is? There are "springing" POA's that go into effect onky upon incapacity. That is when people really NEED someone they have chosen looking out for their best interests.
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Katie--
Well we went through this with my parents 16 years ago. Brother built a small apt onto his house, with the idea that they could live out their lives with family. HOWEVER-my brother is a paramedic and KNOWS how to deal with aging issues. I worked in Eldercare and also know. I live about 1.5 miles from them. He and I were dad's secondary caregivers during his last years with Parkinson's. Dad passed 11 years ago and now brother just has mother to contend with. It's become something a challenge. Sounds like your brother is looking at this as "easy money" when it is honestly the hardest thing in the world to do. I agree--you are more aware of the situation and sounds like your brother will take your folks and get POA however he can and then you will be left out in the cold (and I don't just mean the money). You may have to have your folks evaluated and push the issue. Can your parents still make informed decisions about their own care? How do they feel about this move? If they are still in command of her faculties, they can't be pushed, manipulated or forced into something they'd hate. You say mom "won't give you POA"..does she realize that at some time she may not enjoy the option of "giving it"? The courts will appoint someone. (The ONLY way we got my MIL to make any kind of will was when I told her that if she died intestate, STRANGERS would come and go through her stuff. THAT terrified her. She made a will that week.) Perhaps that kind of a tactic would work for your parents. It's actually kind of terrifying for elderly people to make this kind of call--it IS losing a sense of control. IF either of them is still alert and functioning, then how can your brother just step in and take them? I'd lovingly sit down with them and lay out the options. Hopefully they will be aware enough of the situation to do what is best for them.
And no, caregiving for people with dementia (even just aging issues aside from that) is HARD.
Alas, having a large nest egg makes them easy targets for the "brothers" in life who just really want the money. We don't have that "problem"...my oldest brother (now deceased) pretty much cleaned out my poor parents years ago and left them dependent on the rest of us. Our inheritance? Whatever mom has hanging in her closets. (There is a very small life insurance policy, which my brother with the POA says "split the 4 remaining ways...will not even buy you a used car." I plan to just give my portion to the brother who has cared for my folks for so long.
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katiekay, I am sorry that you are dealing with this, I don't think you have an easy way out. But, I would try to explain to your brother that you need help with the current situation and that perhaps he and his wife should spend a week with your parents before even thinking about making such a drastic move. I would also be concerned that with your fathers dementia a move to your brothers could be very difficult for him. I would try to explain to brother and other siblings what is actually going on with your parents - what you would like them to do to help - talk to them a bit about the money and the fact that you are saving their money for what will be a necessary move to a care facility in the future, should this money be spent now on care someone will have to cough up money when that care is needed and that would be responsibility of all siblings. They are your family and should they decline to help you on your terms - so be it - otherwise don't let brother or any family member try to make decisions for your parents based on what they "think" as opposed to you as the caregiver know. Good luck on the journey, help or not you will need to be strong .
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Thanks for all the feedback. I dont want it to seem like my brother is this evil person..he does care for them..in his own way. Its just that we are seeing this from very different perspectives. His contact with them has been pretty limited on the last 5 years. They dont have the same relationship with them that i do. Seems like when you are caregiving you form a strange reverse parent/child relationship? Even with that close relationship we have i would not want them living with me...it would just be too hard. My brother has no appreciation for that...

As far as my sister in law..i think she would love to get the money that a nursing home might get. My dad is fond of her but my Mom has always struggled to get along with her. When my brother facetimes my parents she rarely speaks to them so my Dad always asks about her.

My mom does not have dementia but she is terrified of any forms that would sign her control away. My dad does have dementia and at times he can be pretty lucid. If you dont spend a lot of time with him you wouldnt know right away he has dementia. He does have days tho where the dementia is plain as day.

I also am not over here anxious to slam them into assisted living or a nursing home. I truly believe that if i had left them on their home there is a good chance that possibly both of them would have deteriorated to require a nursing home. They are doing ok in their independent living for now and it is much cheaper then assisted living..and i hope to keep them there as long as possible. Of course there will come an inevitable day when they will need more care. So for now...i am actually saving my parents money with this living arrangemenr.

The difficulty level increases when you have no family support. It would be so much easier if we were all on the same page and supported each other. I hate to have to take this difficult journey alone..but it seems like thats what may happen.
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Many in the early stages of dementia can still change or establish POA's the only requirement is that they understand "in that moment" what they are signing and why.
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I don't know how far gone she is mental-wise, but she has to have her full wits to get a POA. Maybe a social worker can help you get legal guardianship or steer you in that direction; you can always call an eldercare attorney and ask. If she's mentally unable to sign papers, you will have to be appointed her legal guardian. There is no other option especially when family is involved.
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Glad, you're right there. I'm still fantasising about things I could do to relieve the anger and tension I still feel towards my family's pestilential meddlers - yesterday I descended to "go and throw bricks through their windows." Not that I would, obviously, but oh the longing...
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Pursue full guardianship yourself if you can. It seems to be the only way, when family disagrees, go before a Judge and sort it out.
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