Brother wants to take over caregiving. Any advice?

Moving them 1000 miles, is too much of a change. That isn't going to work. and locking them in? What sense does that make.

I think that it is your brother that needs care. How old is he?

Good luck. You will be better off on your own.

Katiekay, you NEED to get the POA done! If something happens to mom, only the state can stand in to make her decisions for her. Is that really what she wants?

So your brother is clueless, how do you get along with your sister-in-law? You are right when you say the bulk of the caregiving would probably fall on her, so I think she would be the weak link in this plan. If you could find a way to educate them about the realities of dementia; the sure progression of the disease, the physical as well as mental deterioration, the reality that once they (she) take on this role they will be IT for YEARS, may be enough to delay if not totally quash this plan.
Of course if your parents are all for the plan then that makes it more difficult. If not you could perhaps use it as leverage to get those POAs! What do you other sibs have to say about this?

CM, the only thing more frightening than dementia is family members that think they know best, in spite of not providing consistent care for the loved one. Happened here, they know best but when having to actually figure out how to best deal with it, not a freaking clue!

Pursue full guardianship yourself if you can. It seems to be the only way, when family disagrees, go before a Judge and sort it out.

Katie--
Well we went through this with my parents 16 years ago. Brother built a small apt onto his house, with the idea that they could live out their lives with family. HOWEVER-my brother is a paramedic and KNOWS how to deal with aging issues. I worked in Eldercare and also know. I live about 1.5 miles from them. He and I were dad's secondary caregivers during his last years with Parkinson's. Dad passed 11 years ago and now brother just has mother to contend with. It's become something a challenge. Sounds like your brother is looking at this as "easy money" when it is honestly the hardest thing in the world to do. I agree--you are more aware of the situation and sounds like your brother will take your folks and get POA however he can and then you will be left out in the cold (and I don't just mean the money). You may have to have your folks evaluated and push the issue. Can your parents still make informed decisions about their own care? How do they feel about this move? If they are still in command of her faculties, they can't be pushed, manipulated or forced into something they'd hate. You say mom "won't give you POA"..does she realize that at some time she may not enjoy the option of "giving it"? The courts will appoint someone. (The ONLY way we got my MIL to make any kind of will was when I told her that if she died intestate, STRANGERS would come and go through her stuff. THAT terrified her. She made a will that week.) Perhaps that kind of a tactic would work for your parents. It's actually kind of terrifying for elderly people to make this kind of call--it IS losing a sense of control. IF either of them is still alert and functioning, then how can your brother just step in and take them? I'd lovingly sit down with them and lay out the options. Hopefully they will be aware enough of the situation to do what is best for them.
And no, caregiving for people with dementia (even just aging issues aside from that) is HARD.
Alas, having a large nest egg makes them easy targets for the "brothers" in life who just really want the money. We don't have that "problem"...my oldest brother (now deceased) pretty much cleaned out my poor parents years ago and left them dependent on the rest of us. Our inheritance? Whatever mom has hanging in her closets. (There is a very small life insurance policy, which my brother with the POA says "split the 4 remaining ways...will not even buy you a used car." I plan to just give my portion to the brother who has cared for my folks for so long.

Glad, you're right there. I'm still fantasising about things I could do to relieve the anger and tension I still feel towards my family's pestilential meddlers - yesterday I descended to "go and throw bricks through their windows." Not that I would, obviously, but oh the longing...

Many in the early stages of dementia can still change or establish POA's the only requirement is that they understand "in that moment" what they are signing and why.

Katiekay, by not having POA's in place your mother will give her rights away, to the system and a stranger, when the time comes. Would she rather choose who that person is? There are "springing" POA's that go into effect onky upon incapacity. That is when people really NEED someone they have chosen looking out for their best interests.

It sounds like he has no clue about what's in store for them. I'd appear to be agreeable and helpful -- and give them a rundown of what your typical day is like. Then give them one of the worst, very casually. "I'll never forget when Mom..." I've got several of those. Give them a useful tip or two on how you assist your mother when she gets up in the middle of the night and thinks it's daytime, or the extra laundry due to "accidents." Did any of us really have a clue as to what was in store for us when a parent or parents needed our full-time caregiving? I have had relatives concerned about me (which I truly know they are), ones who provide assistance to me (off and on