My brother tells me when I can visit mom because he bought her a house. What do I do?

I am very confused. You have said that your brother and his wife go weeks between visits. You say there is not a caregiver on the premises. So who is preventing you from visiting your mother? You show up and she lets you in, right? Or is there someone there who keeps you and other visitors out.

The idea that your mother lives alone there but you are prevented from visiting her is confusing me. Could you explain this a little more?

8/28/16 6:52 AM

Lanie, about the visitors' book - do you mean people delete entries that you have made in it?

I'm sorry that you're still upset about your mother's situation. I'm sorry that you didn't find the social workers very helpful.

To explain: from Social Services' point of view, your mother living in a comfortable house and having her material needs met is important. That doesn't mean that nothing else matters, but it does tick the main boxes.

If you are finding the level of conflict with your brother's family hard to manage, could somebody perhaps go with you when you visit your mother? I don't mean anyone who's going to pick a fight with them on your behalf; but what about a relative that you all get on with, or a reliable friend?

Lanie, your brother and his family should not be isolating your mother. If you, or other family members, or your mother's friends are turned away unreasonably, then you should keep a diary of those incidents and report them to your mother's social worker.

But the operative word there is 'unreasonably.' For example, it is not unreasonable to turn away visitors who arrive unannounced at inconvenient times; or who are difficult or argumentative or disruptive to your mother's routine; or who persist in bringing in items that it is not advisable for her to have, such as sweets or snacks if she's diabetic, alcohol if it's not recommended for her, that kind of thing.

I'm not for a moment suggesting that you are doing any of these things, mind. But those would be the kinds of reasons that caregivers under stress might not welcome visitors.

Why not ask a social worker to go with you on a visit, and see if you can't clear the air a bit? You want to visit your mother, and I'm sure your mother would like to see you. Having an independent, experienced person with you might make it easier to get past any problems with your brother's family.

You really seem to be in agony over this and you have my sympathy.

I suspect you don't want to hear this, but wouldn't it be better for your mental (and probably physical) health to accept the situation?

Rather than fight a losing battle, please consider the possibility of surrender. Then you can just enjoy whatever time you have to visit your mother. That can't be good for either of you to focus so intensely on the negatives.

Good luck and God bless.

It is not uncommon for family members to have separate visiting times, even in a nursing home, when they don't get along. Just stick to your schedule to avoid the conflicts. Sign your name anyway.

Lanie in the past has "stayed overnight" with her dog and grandson. I assume from this that brother is refusing to enable a dysfunctional lifestyle. That is not bullying. Nor is recruiting family members to enforce the rules. It's all a matter of perspective. If Lanie would take her meds and do some counseling, things might improve.

08/26/16.... I found this previous posting to help others follow this situation.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/going-mad-trying-to-help-mom-with-alzheimers-204604.htm?cpage=1

No one they get on with no one in the family
My mus hates living there and is getting worse she as no friends
There turned away
Yes nice house and home comforts are nice but don't you think there's other more I portent things like NOT stoping them she loves from visiting and allowing her friends in
The book my brother put there I won't write in it again becouse they scrub me out

8/28/16- Lanie222: What your brother is doing is called bullying and it should not be allowed to continue. Bullying is a HOT topic in today's society and it must be stopped! I would keep on keeping on, e.g. go and sign your name in to said book. You have a right to see your ill with Alzheimer's mother! You can say something like "I need to see my mother as she is very ill and there may not be another chance!" Good Grief!

Your brother can not do anything to prevent you from visiting your mother unless he can prove that you have treated your mother wrong and has a court order. Other than that, visit your mother as often as you like.