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Has anyone come across the same as me my bro is rich and has put our mother in a house he bought? Looks good but no it's only power. And his family bullies me which has caused me much stress.
I went to s/services
But what a shock I got they are so impressed with my brother he's rich and becouse my mum lives in this wonderful house they don't see
She needs anything els
They have a visitors book mi don't write in it any more becouse they just write out I have been its a nightmare I beleve I'm dealing with sociopaths I feel like never going again mum as alzihmers it's killing me

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That was a mistake not sure how to use space but will learn
I have rang my brother but they won't anwser the phone
I would have had a brother if he had chosen a diff wife
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Lanie: You have out up several threads on the same issue. Since we here on the forum are trying to help you, please limit it to one thread per topic.
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PS when you notice something else your Mom needs - can you get it for her? My mom loved lip gloss [dry lips/dehydrated], had lotion, Ensure - i never wen to visit without something she'd like. i hope he does supply food, etc. and chooses things that she can fix herself. Eventually, she may opt for liquids, puddings, soup or finger foods only. It truly is hard to live alone. It's more than being lonely - it's isolation.
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Please don't let your brother's bully-ing tactics stop you from visiting your mom. You aren't a visitor - you are her daughter. Perhaps they want to see who was there - when - in case something comes up missing? If need be - you could write "i was here. Mom and i had a lovely time. Have a nice day." [without writing the time span etc. :) ] If he asks any details about the visit, just coyly reply: "oh, girl talk." If your Mom likes flowers, take her a bouquet from the grocery store - even a small bunch so that you have a need to go back in a few days to take care of the flowers - a vase might be too much for her to lift/tend to, and flowers last longer if the stems are cut. [Another reason to go back] i took flowers to my Mom every other day - the were from the garden and oh my how she loved them!

If / when something happens with your mom - you don't want your brother keeping it from you either. You need up to date information about her health/emotional status. Could you call him every other day or whatever you're comfy with - to ask him directly "how's your family? How's Mom doing today?" Keep in touch. Yes, oh my it's hard [i had a really bad experience with my sister threatening me - and criticizing me, even though i called to give her updates about Mom's health, etc. But praise the Lord, i learned courage and bravery - i even wrote out my conversation with my sister, before i called her. It helped me focus - put aside my anger/fear; i felt as tho i were more in control and not so easily derailed - or hur t- because of her viscious words and threats.

Can you squeeze out a compliment - "you've decorated her house quite nicely" - sometimes little praises go a long way. Or even a compliment that isn't quite as personal - but this would be safe: decorating the house [or something specific about the arrangement being appropriate for her - good idea, etc.] And you really need that bridge of communication to stop that wall of rivalry from getting thicker and taller.

Sounds like he's got a large ego, and tries to laud it over you. Expect it, but don't buy into it. Your goal is to get a better relationship so that you can visit your Mom without getting the 3rd degree - or even being banned from visiting her. Who takes Mom to the doctor visits? Perhaps you can 'volunteer' to take her on the next visit?

Use the strength of your mind, not your emotions, when dealing with your brother. He knows which buttons to push, and how to control you. Might be 'fun' throwing him off guard. Speak up, sit up straight, and deal with him armed with an air of strenth, not meekness nor of one 'asking permission'. That gives him 'power.' Take a deep breath and sing at the top of your lungs when it's over - singing is better than screaming. Invite positive thoughts into your mind -- you don't want to lose contact with your lovely mom.

Use the bricks from the wall he's erecting to repurpose them into a bridge. You can do it - we're behind you. God bless ~ you're a great advocate for your Mom: please don't surrender that. Just pray for your strenghth, wisdom, and guidance to be fortified,
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I agree that you need to go and take someone with you who is trustworthy, your mom's pastor, a friend of hers, a social worker, someone to verify the things you are seeing so it's not just your word against your brothers. Also, keep track of the things he does such as erasing your name out of the visitor log, telling you to bathe her, etc. This will also verify the things you are saying. Please keep trying to be a part of your mother's life, you may be the only advocate she has, and as her dementia gets worse, she will need you more and more.
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8/29/16-Pamstegma: Lanie must have other posts. I'll have to find them when I get to my laptop.
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Lanie in the past has "stayed overnight" with her dog and grandson. I assume from this that brother is refusing to enable a dysfunctional lifestyle. That is not bullying. Nor is recruiting family members to enforce the rules. It's all a matter of perspective. If Lanie would take her meds and do some counseling, things might improve.
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Your brother can not do anything to prevent you from visiting your mother unless he can prove that you have treated your mother wrong and has a court order. Other than that, visit your mother as often as you like.
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8/28/16- Lanie222: What your brother is doing is called bullying and it should not be allowed to continue. Bullying is a HOT topic in today's society and it must be stopped! I would keep on keeping on, e.g. go and sign your name in to said book. You have a right to see your ill with Alzheimer's mother! You can say something like "I need to see my mother as she is very ill and there may not be another chance!" Good Grief!
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It is not uncommon for family members to have separate visiting times, even in a nursing home, when they don't get along. Just stick to your schedule to avoid the conflicts. Sign your name anyway.
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You really seem to be in agony over this and you have my sympathy.

I suspect you don't want to hear this, but wouldn't it be better for your mental (and probably physical) health to accept the situation?

Rather than fight a losing battle, please consider the possibility of surrender. Then you can just enjoy whatever time you have to visit your mother. That can't be good for either of you to focus so intensely on the negatives.

Good luck and God bless.
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I am very confused. You have said that your brother and his wife go weeks between visits. You say there is not a caregiver on the premises. So who is preventing you from visiting your mother? You show up and she lets you in, right? Or is there someone there who keeps you and other visitors out.

The idea that your mother lives alone there but you are prevented from visiting her is confusing me. Could you explain this a little more?

8/28/16 6:52 AM
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Lanie, your brother and his family should not be isolating your mother. If you, or other family members, or your mother's friends are turned away unreasonably, then you should keep a diary of those incidents and report them to your mother's social worker.

But the operative word there is 'unreasonably.' For example, it is not unreasonable to turn away visitors who arrive unannounced at inconvenient times; or who are difficult or argumentative or disruptive to your mother's routine; or who persist in bringing in items that it is not advisable for her to have, such as sweets or snacks if she's diabetic, alcohol if it's not recommended for her, that kind of thing.

I'm not for a moment suggesting that you are doing any of these things, mind. But those would be the kinds of reasons that caregivers under stress might not welcome visitors.

Why not ask a social worker to go with you on a visit, and see if you can't clear the air a bit? You want to visit your mother, and I'm sure your mother would like to see you. Having an independent, experienced person with you might make it easier to get past any problems with your brother's family.
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No one they get on with no one in the family
My mus hates living there and is getting worse she as no friends
There turned away
Yes nice house and home comforts are nice but don't you think there's other more I portent things like NOT stoping them she loves from visiting and allowing her friends in
The book my brother put there I won't write in it again becouse they scrub me out
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Lanie, about the visitors' book - do you mean people delete entries that you have made in it?

I'm sorry that you're still upset about your mother's situation. I'm sorry that you didn't find the social workers very helpful.

To explain: from Social Services' point of view, your mother living in a comfortable house and having her material needs met is important. That doesn't mean that nothing else matters, but it does tick the main boxes.

If you are finding the level of conflict with your brother's family hard to manage, could somebody perhaps go with you when you visit your mother? I don't mean anyone who's going to pick a fight with them on your behalf; but what about a relative that you all get on with, or a reliable friend?
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08/26/16.... found another new previous thread to help give more background to this situation.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/can-i-get-mom-into-sheltered-housing-or-caregiver-204603.htm?cpage=1
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08/26/16.... I found this previous posting to help others follow this situation.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/going-mad-trying-to-help-mom-with-alzheimers-204604.htm?cpage=1
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